DopamineAllocation
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Mar 30, 2015
- Messages
- 11
Well, going to give this thread another more direct attempt, since the last related one was closed due to people considering it creepy or came to the conclusion that I was trying to gather information on how to kill someone. (???)
So, let's give it another try guys. Maybe a more personal post can give you a better idea of what I'm looking to achieve. I'll start with a bit of background information. I am completely dysfunctional in basic social settings, basic personal settings, basic thinking, basic thought construction - primarily due to some childhood shit, you know, shit nobody really cares about, wants to talk about, or shit that is related here. You get the idea. I'm a sad guy, fucking pathetic I might add.
While giving you this information may/may not eliminate the accusations of OTHER intentions, it does bring up the conversation of "oh, you're fucked in the head. get help pls" - been there, done that guys. Went through extensive trauma focused therapy, dozens of psychotropics, tried everyone only to receive either useless effects and shitty side effects. Or, more commonly, the medications being a fucking nightmare. After 2-3 years of dealing with just about every psychologist that was willing to listen to me and nothing to show for it except for an embarrasing record, I tried suicide. To my misfortune, failed horribly. Liver failure, humiliation, inhome therapy, bullshit medical diagnoses... even threw me in the crazy house for a year. Obviously, I tried again. Tried again. Never made it all the way, except to fuck up physical health enough to add to my misery. When you try to get help for these type of problems, and you really put your heart into it, find nothing, try everything from medications to trauma focus, to attempting to eliminate yourself from the fucking world, and still fail at that.. what's a man to do? Magically recover? No. Obviously, I tried to handle it on my own.
How does one usually start doing that? Drugs. Illegal drugs. I was pathetic enough to look for my own sources of help outside of the system, and stumbled upon a group of what the average person would call a "stoner". Long story short, I tried pot for my first time. For what I was actually expecting it from the experience, I was pretty shocked at the results. Cracked a few jokes, hell, made someone laugh for a change. Thought about the present without curling into a pathetic ball crying about my mommy-daddy-cry-baby-bullshit. Made a joke about it actually. This was my new solution, and oh boy has did it work for a good while. Until I gained such a high tolerance and such an inability to find more funds for it... It was no longer worth the time/price. Time to move on at that point, right?
Started using alcohol. Fucking great, fantastic. Overly confident asshole, laughing about shit that others found horrifying. It was great. Turns out, my previous attempts at ending the world as we know it brought on some liver problems that I didn't know about. So, alcohol fucked it up a bit more and a few hospitializations later, it was time to give that up.
Now what? What the hell do I do now, right? Explored the deep web for a bit, just ordered shit that sounded good to me. Tried a variety of different stimulants, meth, coke, bit of mdma, and the occasional RC-on-a-blotter-sold-as-'LSD'. It was all great, oh the meth, how I loved staying up for weeks to turn into a complete fucking lunatic and come up with theories that sounded just fucking amazing to me at the time. Great stuff, it was. Cocaine, had the great effects of being overly confident much like alcohol, but oh shit, was that shit expensive? RC-on-a-blotter-sold-as-LSD, still don't know what the fuck this stuff was! But man, it was great. Did it about 30-40 times, some experiences being a little bit unexpected compared to the last, but I know now that this is what I was aiming for. Losing my mind. I want to lose my mind, I want to be fucking insane and I want to realize it. Ever had any sort of psychosis from maybe, psychedelics, meth?
This. This is what I'm looking for. I'm not trying to kidnap some poor sap and make them catatonic so I can violate them, that's fucking sick. I just want to live life in a different way. It doesn't have to be positive, schizophrenia has always interested me as far as how I'd like myself to feel. I love the idea of it, it sounds absolutely horrifying to others from what I've read, but guys, this is truly the last attempt at getting anything out of my life. My criminal record is fucked, my history is fucked, I'm absolutely horrifying to look at, talk to, get into a relationship with (don't try to give me advice here, it's better suited for someone else, and i've heard it from the profesionals. I speak from experience when I say these things, and I've been through just about every 'coping method' for it known to man)
Instead of being a babbling, uncomphrehendable emotional waste-of-space, I want to be a drooling, wide-eyed fruit fly. Without the horrifying price every time. I just want something that I can take enough of that will just completely take me out of this world, forever. Where I could be thrown in the crazy house and be completely fine (until they start chemically raping me with neuroleptics, guess that's a risk i'm willing to take)
Come on guys, there's no hope for a future for me. I tried my hardest at elimating myself from the world, even managed to fuck that up. Just give me some thoughts. I'm not looking for any really useful advice, and half-expect this to be closed by a moderator in moment's notice. But hell, it's worth a try right.
So, let's give it another try guys. Maybe a more personal post can give you a better idea of what I'm looking to achieve. I'll start with a bit of background information. I am completely dysfunctional in basic social settings, basic personal settings, basic thinking, basic thought construction - primarily due to some childhood shit, you know, shit nobody really cares about, wants to talk about, or shit that is related here. You get the idea. I'm a sad guy, fucking pathetic I might add.
While giving you this information may/may not eliminate the accusations of OTHER intentions, it does bring up the conversation of "oh, you're fucked in the head. get help pls" - been there, done that guys. Went through extensive trauma focused therapy, dozens of psychotropics, tried everyone only to receive either useless effects and shitty side effects. Or, more commonly, the medications being a fucking nightmare. After 2-3 years of dealing with just about every psychologist that was willing to listen to me and nothing to show for it except for an embarrasing record, I tried suicide. To my misfortune, failed horribly. Liver failure, humiliation, inhome therapy, bullshit medical diagnoses... even threw me in the crazy house for a year. Obviously, I tried again. Tried again. Never made it all the way, except to fuck up physical health enough to add to my misery. When you try to get help for these type of problems, and you really put your heart into it, find nothing, try everything from medications to trauma focus, to attempting to eliminate yourself from the fucking world, and still fail at that.. what's a man to do? Magically recover? No. Obviously, I tried to handle it on my own.
How does one usually start doing that? Drugs. Illegal drugs. I was pathetic enough to look for my own sources of help outside of the system, and stumbled upon a group of what the average person would call a "stoner". Long story short, I tried pot for my first time. For what I was actually expecting it from the experience, I was pretty shocked at the results. Cracked a few jokes, hell, made someone laugh for a change. Thought about the present without curling into a pathetic ball crying about my mommy-daddy-cry-baby-bullshit. Made a joke about it actually. This was my new solution, and oh boy has did it work for a good while. Until I gained such a high tolerance and such an inability to find more funds for it... It was no longer worth the time/price. Time to move on at that point, right?
Started using alcohol. Fucking great, fantastic. Overly confident asshole, laughing about shit that others found horrifying. It was great. Turns out, my previous attempts at ending the world as we know it brought on some liver problems that I didn't know about. So, alcohol fucked it up a bit more and a few hospitializations later, it was time to give that up.
Now what? What the hell do I do now, right? Explored the deep web for a bit, just ordered shit that sounded good to me. Tried a variety of different stimulants, meth, coke, bit of mdma, and the occasional RC-on-a-blotter-sold-as-'LSD'. It was all great, oh the meth, how I loved staying up for weeks to turn into a complete fucking lunatic and come up with theories that sounded just fucking amazing to me at the time. Great stuff, it was. Cocaine, had the great effects of being overly confident much like alcohol, but oh shit, was that shit expensive? RC-on-a-blotter-sold-as-LSD, still don't know what the fuck this stuff was! But man, it was great. Did it about 30-40 times, some experiences being a little bit unexpected compared to the last, but I know now that this is what I was aiming for. Losing my mind. I want to lose my mind, I want to be fucking insane and I want to realize it. Ever had any sort of psychosis from maybe, psychedelics, meth?
This. This is what I'm looking for. I'm not trying to kidnap some poor sap and make them catatonic so I can violate them, that's fucking sick. I just want to live life in a different way. It doesn't have to be positive, schizophrenia has always interested me as far as how I'd like myself to feel. I love the idea of it, it sounds absolutely horrifying to others from what I've read, but guys, this is truly the last attempt at getting anything out of my life. My criminal record is fucked, my history is fucked, I'm absolutely horrifying to look at, talk to, get into a relationship with (don't try to give me advice here, it's better suited for someone else, and i've heard it from the profesionals. I speak from experience when I say these things, and I've been through just about every 'coping method' for it known to man)
Instead of being a babbling, uncomphrehendable emotional waste-of-space, I want to be a drooling, wide-eyed fruit fly. Without the horrifying price every time. I just want something that I can take enough of that will just completely take me out of this world, forever. Where I could be thrown in the crazy house and be completely fine (until they start chemically raping me with neuroleptics, guess that's a risk i'm willing to take)
Come on guys, there's no hope for a future for me. I tried my hardest at elimating myself from the world, even managed to fuck that up. Just give me some thoughts. I'm not looking for any really useful advice, and half-expect this to be closed by a moderator in moment's notice. But hell, it's worth a try right.
