Heroin Y do we have to come clean? is it because thats wat is "normal"?

[Raven*]

I struggled with shooting H for while and i told myself i could never be like those "dirty junkies" but just like everyone else i completely fell in love with her, she was the first being in my life that made feel love and warmth and welcomed. its like coming home every time. my life got out of control of course and ill spare u the gruesome details as im sure they are like everyone elses here.... and i ended up squatting in an apartment with 1 day to vacate from the street while already fleeing several unsavory dealers because i had used up their supplies that were meant for profit. Basically i ran away, i knew i couldnt get out of the life their so i skipped cities and entered a rehab program where i was for 90 days and they tapered me down with subs... my sob story turned into a fairy tale when i got out and caught a break that my poor mother would take me in yet a fucking gain but this time was different, i went to school and i held down a job. i got sober friends and i went to meetings i held on for almost 2 years this 5th of june... but life was boring, it was meaningless and i never feel anything. i go through the motions of doing "the right thing" but i hate it... wat is living if your not alive for it? i dont want to be a normal person working a 9 to 5 with a happy marriage and 4 loving robot children. i crave the mess and the theatrics. i need to live a life that is full to the bursting with everything i can consume.... basically all this leads up to the simple fact that i fucked up again, i knew exactly wat i was doing and my stomach cramped with excited anticipation. i set up the deal with a 19 year old kid who knew someone who knew someone, i mean i struggled to break my sobriety for days through this kids bullshit... it wasnt a lapse in judgment or a fucked up mistake. i searched and bargained and bitched to get this shit... and i do mean shit, it was the worst brown ive ever seen, not even tar and cut with some shit that got all caught up in my cotton.... but fuck was it still good. it was coming home.... ive been using now every day for a month and now im w/ding before i let myself slip into that place again, that place that i never really wanted to leave...... but im still sitting here knowing that this wont be the last time because fuck i dont want it to. drugs are the only thing that ,makes me feel and makes me want to get up in the morning and function with the rest of the world. im on day 3 and im starting to feel better just still aches and pains and of course sleeping is out of the option plus my body is totally fucking confused about whether im in Antarctica or the Sahara Desert, still tho i feel better then yesterday. ive been getting thru it with bars, wine, and sleeping plls... plus netflix of course. still though i keep debating within myself when will it be long enough of a break before i can go back and not go directly back into w/ds... i keep saying i can just use occasionally and honestly i dont know if thats a lie or not and i dont really care... i think ive just come to terms with the fact that im a junkie, i just am. i think in some ways i always will be. i dont hate myself for being one but i hate myself for wat it does to the people i love.... uhg i dunno i guess i lost my point in all this but i needed to get it out and i suppose thats wat matters

 

[d1ahp]

People get clean because the cycle is exhausting and there isn't much love in the game. You push and pull and come up with ways to get more money but eventually it all catches up to you. People lose their husbands, wives, kids, houses, cars and jobs just keep doing that one thing that doesn't even feel the same compared to when they first started. One day you wake up and realize that what you're doing only makes you feel good for about 5 minutes but leaves lifelong scars down your arms, debt and lack of love. No love from those around you. Hatred for yourself. Hatred for the world in which, whether you like it or not, were living in. Some people get clean because of that.

 

[Raven*]

I know it leads to all these things but i feel so young now and i feel like this is a part of who i am.... maybe its just another excuse to use but i feel like i have this whole life to live and i found something that truly makes me happy is is so bad that i indulge here and there but not enough to develop w/ds like once a couple weeks pr something. if i could handle it would it be so terrible?? i know that is destroys lives but if it was manageable would it still make me a bad person

 

[d1ahp]

Theoretically, no it wouldn't be bad. If you could occasionally main line some H in a responsible manner and go on with your life there wouldn't be an issue. The only problem is that you can't, and you know that. Even though you're trying hard to convince yourself otherwise I did that too.

Every *insert your DOC here* addict has been where you are. It's alright. You're going to do what you want to do. If you don't die you'll wake up one day and realize how much time you've wasted and how much of an uphill battle it will be to get back on track with whatever personal ambitions and goals you might have. Or maybe you won't, maybe it is who you are and you'll be content doing it for the rest of you life. I have a feeling it's the former that's going to happen, though.

I was young once too, and I thought exactly the way you think now. I think very differently now. Now, I wish didn't spend so much time, energy and money that won't help me be a better husband, father or a man in general. I love being a husband and a father but man oh man, to this day I struggle with opiate addiction. I want to be free, but I'm not.

Most opiate addicts who have been around will have a similar story to mine.

Whatever you do, I wish you luck. Please be safe out there.

 

[Raven*]

Your right, i dont want to be like this forever. i wish so bad that i can get to a manageable point so that i can have both worlds but i do know deep down that right now that is not even in the realm of my possibilities. i love going to class and im half way through with my bachelors degree, i really do love doing these things but then i get in these pits where i feel like those things dont really make me happy and that they are just a facade for everyone that sometimes i even believe myself, you really are right tho... its a dirty fucking cycle and ur mind plays tricks on you convincing u that its ok because of this reason or that when in reality it really never is. i know since i know the feeling of drifting away i will always crave it and id be lying to myself if i said i would never do it again but i do think ill be able to pull myself out of it eventually i just really hope nothing happens to me thats irreversible before that happens. thanks tho i appreciate the advice

 

[Grinders Kiefers]

Hey man, just wanted to say not all of us want the "storybook" life either, but there are more (and in my opinion, better) ways to get what you want out of life without having to rely on drugs to get through the day. I've always struggled to identify with, or to even understand what concepts like love, happiness, success, etc. really mean. These concepts were bullshit when I was using, something I couldn't grasp and didn't deserve, and not even entirely because of the drugs, but because I was listening to how others defined them. I had to ask myself what I love, what makes me happy, how successful I want to be, and so on, before I could really go on living without drugs.

I don't mean to set a benchmark for what you need to do, those concepts are just some I find important and the same may not be true for you. Either way, it was necessary for me to find out for myself what makes me "me" and not wake up wanting to use or die. It sounds like you have a good thing going with school and there are other parts in your life that you enjoy besides drugs - whatever it is, figure out what makes you feel alive and focus on the positive aspects of that. Keep in mind, there will always be unpleasant situations in your life that you can't control, but in my experience the easiest way to change reality is to change your mind.

 

[TheLostBoys]

Because most people run out of money......IMO, its all about money. If you had millions, you wouldn't get clean, but you may end up dead tho from an overdose.

There are some people that can do opiates moderately & keep a job & a family life while others are totally out of control, & can't keep any opiated around.

 

[mrsnowygrainius]

the only way to get clean is to finialy be fucking tired of the life style and want out of it, i mean by hitting some kind of a bottom. I hit mine when i blew out all the veins in my arms yet would still continue to shoot into them. i wasn't getting high, just well and fuck i was tired of spending all my hard earned cash working 6 days a week 10 hours a day just to feel like a normal person does on any given day! its insanity!

 

[Nom de Plume]

People get 'clean' because using drugs like heroin makes one 'unproductive', which is bad in a capitalist society that regards productivity as its greatest virtue.

Productivism allows for coffee breaks, but workers would stop working as hard or altogether if they were allowed, say, a heroin break or an LSD break.


Opioids have been widely known and commonly used by humans since the beginning of recorded history (the Sumerians—who invented written language and the first civilization known to science—called the opium poppy 'hul gil', or 'joy plant', as far back as 7,000 years ago).

However, it wasn't until about 300 years ago (around the time of the Industrial Revolution and the birth of modern capitalism) that opium addiction was considered as bad
or even considered at all.

Modern society is all about efficiency and productivity. Whatever maximises the efficiency and productivity of the society's system—which includes the people within the society—is beneficial.

Drug addiction, mental illness, unemployment, homelessness, etc., lower the productivity and efficiency of the system. Therefore, they're all considered as bad or unvirtuous.

To put it succinctly, heroin addiction is not good for the person because it makes the person not good for the system.

 

[TheLostBoys]

^^^^^

What system are you talking about? The immune system, the persons body? Or the society that we live in & the upper echalonte want us programmed a certain way as slaves to serve them 50 hours a week at a minimum wage, pay heave taxes & keep repeating the cycle?

 

[Nom de Plume]

^^^^^

What system are you talking about? The immune system, the persons body? Or the society that we live in & the upper echalonte want us programmed a certain way as slaves to serve them 50 hours a week at a minimum wage, pay heave taxes & keep repeating the cycle?

Neither. I'm talking about an economic system—capitalism, in this particular case. This economic system transforms a culture into a productivist culture, where productivism is championed and anything counter-productive or unproductive is regarded as the ultimate wickedness. It considers psychopathy a virtue and laziness sinful in the workplace.

 

[TheLostBoys]

Neither. I'm talking about an economic system—capitalism, in this particular caseworki transforms a culture into a productivist culture, where productivism is championed and anything counter-productive or unproductive is regarded as the ultimate wickedness. It considers psychopathy a virtue and laziness sinful in the workplace.

So I'm assuming you're against the legalization of drugs? The people that consider a person using drugs as lazy, & whatever else you may concuct, is a person that has been brainwashed by the social media & teachers, etc....growing up.

I'm.not saying drugs are good for you, but I estimate 90% of the restaurant work force uses drugs, & they keep working & serving your meal with no knowledge of you knowing.

The food establishment is the one among few that never drug tests, & for good reason.

The question is what types of drugs are you referring to? There are opiates, stims, weed, etc.....

Thing is, I do know some very successful business people that do use drugs & do very well with family & friends, thing is, not many people fall under this situation because of their addictive personalities.

As a human, we need to feel live, sadness, etc.....& if you're always high, that's not gonna work. You gotta just maintain once in a while.

 

[Nom de Plume]

So I'm assuming you're against the legalization of drugs?

I have adamantly supported drug decriminalization or legalisation since I was about 12 years old.

The people that consider a person using drugs as lazy, & whatever else you may concuct, is a person that has been brainwashed by the social media & teachers, etc....growing up.

I concur. You misunderstood me. If you care to understand, my only advice is to carefully read and reread my comments until you do.

 

[d1ahp]

People get 'clean' because using drugs like heroin makes one 'unproductive', which is bad in a capitalist society that regards productivity as its greatest virtue.

Productivism allows for coffee breaks, but workers would stop working as hard or altogether if they were allowed, say, a heroin break or an LSD break.


Opioids have been widely known and commonly used by humans since the beginning of recorded history (the Sumerians—who invented written language and the first civilization known to science—called the opium poppy 'hul gil', or 'joy plant', as far back as 7,000 years ago).

However, it wasn't until about 300 years ago (around the time of the Industrial Revolution and the birth of modern capitalism) that opium addiction was considered as bad
or even considered at all.

Modern society is all about efficiency and productivity. Whatever maximises the efficiency and productivity of the society's system—which includes the people within the society—is beneficial.

Drug addiction, mental illness, unemployment, homelessness, etc., lower the productivity and efficiency of the system. Therefore, they're all considered as bad or unvirtuous.

To put it succinctly, heroin addiction is not good for the person because it makes the person not good for the system.

I have more in life to be responsible for than being rebellious, these days. If that means getting clean and being another slave in the assembly line, so be it. In the grand scheme of society, everyone is a slave in the assembly line except those who write history.

Opiate addicts benefit capitalism far more than hurt it. I'm leaving many aspects out, but, supplying the opiates, employing the doctors who write scripts(main source of addiction in the US), rehabilitating those who have had enough, and maintaining others through Suboxone or Methadone; it's a multi-billion dollar industry that even affects people far outside of the United States. The only thing those who organize and keep (re)organizing the society care about is that which allows them to keep writing history; money. As longs as there is demand for opiates, legally or illegally, there will be a supply of it.

 

[Listening]

I have more in life to be responsible for than being rebellious, these days. If that means getting clean and being another slave in the assembly line, so be it. In the grand scheme of society, everyone is a slave in the assembly line except those who write history.

Yep. For so long I defined myself as "not being one of the sheeple." However, this very quickly turns into a farce. There are sheeple capitalists and anti-sheeple capitalists, and neither are doing any good for anyone. Ultimately the absolute rejection of the society in which you were born is a trick of the ego to keep you asleep from certain frightening possibilities of how you may act and participate, and maybe even effectuate change, in this history-in-the-making. Eventually, if there is hope of freedom, one must come down from the mountain and live here, with what is.

 

[d1ahp]

Yep. For so long I defined myself as "not being one of the sheeple." However, this very quickly turns into a farce. There are sheeple capitalists and anti-sheeple capitalists, and neither are doing any good for anyone. Ultimately the absolute rejection of the society in which you were born is a trick of the ego to keep you asleep from certain frightening possibilities of how you may act and participate, and maybe even effectuate change, in this history-in-the-making. Eventually, if there is hope of freedom, one must come down from the mountain and live here, with what is.

Preach.

 

[Burnt Offerings]

The illegal drug trade is a very profitable piece of the capitalist system, I think. I mean the dynamics of capitalism are present everywhere in it, really.

Do drugs also impair certain parts of capitalism in some ways? Yeah, I'd say so. I also think that the a big part of the reason cannabis has been illegal for so long, and authorities in the USA have made such a big deal about going after it for decades, is that it promotes thinking that some people don't like. That's really the only reason I can see for the prohibition in the specific case of cannabis just because the high from smoking cannabis usually isn't intense or debilitating (compared to some other things, anyway) and it doesn't do huge damage to the user's health.

You also have the prohibition of drugs made illegal at later dates like LSD, MDMA or GHB, but I think those are more due to high profile media coverage/scaremongering combined with the general political culture surrounding drugs that "the classics" (ie marijuana, cocaine, heroin etc) helped create. To help understand a lot about drugs today it's useful to go back to the reasons why drug prohibition originally began, and that's a very interesting story. The USA in particular is one nation in particular that played a big role in that internationally.

-------

Anyway, to the OP's post, I identified with some of that for sure. Personally I love drugs. I'm fascinated by them, not just by getting high (although of course that's a big part of it) but also simply by the topic of "drugs", generally speaking...drugs pharmacologically speaking and neuroscience-related topics, the culture of drug use, the pharmaceutical industry and legal drug trade, the illegal drug trade, the history of drug use in human society, all of it interests me. (That's a big part of the reason that I like to discuss the topic on this site!) But there are other things that interest me, of course, and I think I've done a pretty good job balancing those things, although there's no denying that there have been moments when drugs have interfered with my life in negative ways: a possession charge on my record, times I've felt like shit cuz I did too many drugs, wasted personal opportunities, having to hide my use from certain friends and family members, etc.

But I haven't gone through half the shit that many of my peers have gone through.

One of the big reasons I haven't become an addict (at least not yet) has to do with what a previous poster said about money. Drug use can be an expensive habit and I hate being broke. I just want to live a comfortable life and sometimes that requires taking drugs out of my budget. For some people I guess the high from a drug must be so good that it's worth all other aspects of their lives becoming shit? Or maybe their lives already were shit so they feel they have nothing to lose? I have no idea, I love the feeling of certain drugs but I wouldn't sacrifice everything in my life for that feeling.

 

[LilikoiMoon]

It can be amusing to be an addict at times. Now before anyone says "WTF, how" let me explain.

The cast of characters can be amusing, is what I mean. The behavior...the crazy antics of addicts fighting over drugs (the female addicts I know are hilarious), trying to hustle, the drama, etc. Over 20+ years I have had some fun times with these characters.

However.....

The cycle of sickness (withdrawals), being broke, illegal activities (depends on how you pay), hurting those you love, risking your health, overdosing, bad reputation, etc. isn't worth it.

We've all been there....no matter what pain emotional or physical, we all share a common bond.

You can't use for "fun" anymore once you've been an addict, so even trying to cure boredom in a huge mistake. Find a hobby, take a trip, blog your experience, anything.

We get clean because we want better, we're tired of struggling. Simple.

I'm sick of people I love dying from drugs.

 

[cj]

I can relate to your original post so much OP. I have never relapsed by "mistake" it has always been a well thought out decision to get back in the game. Damn I relate so much to what your saying about sober life being boring and not really rewarding. I crave that excitement that dope brings. I also crave the purpose that having a habit brings. It is my motivation to get out of bed to work to meet people and maintain relationships. Without the push of having a monkey to feed I wouldn't do any of that. But eventually I do get tired of the game after a year or so of constant use. So I either go to rehab or get on maintenance. Right now I am on methadone and very happy as it gives me a reason to get up in the morning and a little bit of a high to sustain me while being affordable enough to live a reasonably normal life. I also rediscovered my love for pot and other drugs so that helps as well. My advice is too follow your passion. If it leads you to a needle and spoon then so be it. You got your whole life to figure this shit out after all.

 

[down508]

getting clean is more than just not using. you were miserable because you stopped getting high without working a program. the twelve steps work for me, I got clean and I'm not miserable, sure some days the idea of using sounds good but instead I focus on helping others who are strugglinig with addiction