I Don't Know How To Describe It

[bleeding_lily]

Today, I am sick. In more ways than one. First off, I have strep (again),and I can't sing, which pisses me off (music is my passion). Second, for the last week or so, I've been feeling very distant, and I seem to not be understanding social ques. I get confused very easily, and I can't get myself to hold a full conversation without feeling lost and left out, simply because I don't understand. I've been fiending quite vigorously since I've began to feel this way. I seem to have lost my compassion for others, especially my "family". I need out, I need a break, and I can't afford to leave again. Every day the stress weighs down more and more on my shoulders, and I feel weak. I used to be a hydrocodone and basically any other opiate addict, and I can't stop thinking about how much better I would feel if I could just take a few pills. On top of that, I had a nightmare last night and woke up sobbing, because I dreamt that the love of my life overdosed and died, and there was nothing I could do to save him. I am scared. I am depressed. I am lonely. I am craving. I am shaking. I can't breathe.

-Asher

 

[Thewolfamongstyou]

Find the strength within and walk. Don't deal with it like these ppl do. Half of them lay around romanticising addiction with science. You are better than that.


Be smart
Be safe
Be true

 

[CosmicG]

I know the feeling all too well. Connecting with people on a daily basis is something that I struggle with constantly. Sometimes I think that nobody else in my life understands things the way I do. They could not possibly comprehend the things I think about and on such a deep level. This is my ego telling me that I am different, so should isolate myself even further by not sharing my thoughts which they would never possibly understand anyway. Benzodiazepines are my DOC, and something that even after rehab I have not been able to cut out of my life. Knowingly crippling myself is something that I have successfully done for over a decade now.

If I were to guess I would say that the dream you had is your subconscious showing you that going back to your opiates would be totally catastrophic to not only you, but your loved ones as well. Our choices after all have the ability to warp the lives of those closest to us. The ripple effect. My life. It sounds like you desperately want to connect with your friends and family but you can't. Something is keeping you from it. Yourself. I am broken, but look for ways to end the cycle. Keep going one day at a time. I cannot say that I fully understand what it is that you are experiencing, because I am not technically you. I certainly at the very least can relate

 

[bleeding_lily]

Thank you very much Cosmic, I appreaciate having someone who can relate. What you said about my dream is something I have not yet thought about,but it definitely puts it in a different perspective,making me question myself and my choices more. Something I need to seriously consider. Thanks

-Asher

 

[Thewolfamongstyou]

Thank you for being understanding to me and my girl cosmic. I agree. The dream isn't a sign I will relapse and die. Id never give up on you or our struggle lily. We can do this together lily. With Hope and love we can over come anything

 

[CosmicG]

Sure thing guys best of luck to both of you you guys can beat this together. Stay positive and only good things will come in due time.