Days On Meth/ 2-3 points a day, And The Weed Blues - Moderate. Im still going?!

[ThatSpaceyKid]

First off is it true that Meth makes your body smell a specific way because of intoxication? I always wondered this... I always think that I smell like dried sweat a little bit but that's about it... I thought the smells were from lack of hygiene during binges.? The cat piss smell from not showering or wearing deodorant. The rotten dead smell is from not brushing your teeth and a dry mouth? But then again when I pick at myself I can smell something unique like never before? It's like sourish and sweet and smells like feet almost or something idk.

I have been smoking Meth Amphetamine for the last five days today being day six. I have only slept 6 hours this week. Last time I ate was Tuesday.

Amazingly I don't feel like shit at all. It was my Bday yesterday so I smoked 4 points by myself from a friend because it's my favorite...

I haven't been to school since last Friday. I went to work everyday this week sober in the morning, but tweeked by noon. I don't even feel like I'm going to crash. I stay up til 6-7 am and go to work at 9 most days. There were 2 days where I didn't even go to sleep. Made it through a 3 hour seminar yesterday for work no problem.

I don't have bags under my eyes yet, I'm not in psychosis. I'm not hearing or seeing anything. I'm just zoned out and feeling euphoric as all hell. My chest doesn't hurt. I've been drinking water like crazy.

I have showered every day and brushed my teeth everyday. I have worn clean clothes and deodorant so it's not like I'm losing myself yet... I take vitamins every morning and then drink a cup of coffee with 20-30 packets of sugar in it. Mmmm

I'm still able to function. I can work. My jaw isn't grinding. I don't have big pupils just glossy eyes. I'm my normal skin color anyways which is Flushed and pale. I haven't puked anything or at any time this week. So I am already fucked by my tolerance which won't let me get high anymore

Only thing I've noticed is I wake up thirsty as fuck. My skin and hair is clammy and oily as fuck but still smells clean. I literally had to use a towel and acne cream to get it from being oily/greasy. Soap and water had no effect. My breath smells like shit unless I brush in the morning, at lunch, and before work.

I haven't had any weed.... I NEED weed. It's sanity. Without weed I'm fucked. It's been since last Saturday :,( . Even if I didn't do meth I can't eat or sleep. I broke down crying yesterday and Tuesday because I need weed for medical reasons... but i didn't have money for an Oz and not paying 140 for half an Oz bc it's from the recreational dispensary. I had 115 dollars... This week I spent 20-30 a day on Meth which got me 3-4 a day because I get hooked up bc I watch out for this guy and buy daily. Only reason I haven't stopped binging is because I need to be high... I can't physically or mentally function sober... If I just had weed man.... Tommorrow ? is all that is driving me.. I planned to sleep but am to high on meth still.. so maybe I'll sleep til 2-3 pm tomorrow... My dad and Nana will pitch for an Oz, so with my money I can buy some more meth next week.. they said because "Since You don't care about anything else but that shit not even yourself or us... Were gonna pitch on it for you for your 19th bday and will let you smoke yourself stupid Saturday night but not with your friends and in your room but you better cover up the smell before bed.. Whatever's left of your weed I'll give you a gram a day.. No joints no bongs No foil." So blunts and pipes it is. Only reason this binge ends.. I'm going to try and smoke all that Fucking weed ") by myself all night and non stop... Idgaf how high I get bc I know I'm gonna asleep Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday.. oh well guess I "Got to high"

 

[F1n1shed]

Even though you don't feel like you are crashing, it isn't a good idea to continue like this. Sleep more and take a day off here and there. I promise when you wait 12-24 hours after your last meth dose you will start feeling a bit depressed and down.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Force yourself to drink some water, and eat food. Don't re-dose, and get some rest. I hope you had a happy birthday.

I've heard that the smell from meth is because of the toxic chemicals that are used to make the drug? I'm not certain though as I have never used meth and do not want to.

 

[Gkeel]

I don't feel that it makes me have an odor at all, maybe it's cause I always stay hydrated I force myself to gulp down water.

 

[ThatSpaceyKid]

I don't feel that it makes me have an odor at all, maybe it's cause I always stay hydrated I force myself to gulp down water.

Me to man. 2-3 bottles in the morning, 2-3 at lunch. 2 at work, and at home a few more cups... I'm not talking about normal Bodiliy odors ya know. It literally smells like chemicals or something . I know because I've tested it. I went to a friend's house for a few days. Without meth no unusual odors. My skin was fine my hair was fine, just overall normal. After Meth even if I showered my body would always let off some strange smells. He said I smelled like I had been playing with something that stinks like a mild whiff of Ammonia or something foul. But I've noticed it's only when I swear... As the more you smoke the more liquids you drink which means more sweat... And with me maybe this might be a reason ? I wear long sleeves and a hoodie no matter what and tight skinny jeans even if is boiling hot outside and I've just tweaked. I'm thinking its all in my head and that it's just a lot of dried sweat mixed with oily skin, but then again Old Spice overpowers the smelly kind of sweat.

 

[ThatSpaceyKid]

Even though you don't feel like you are crashing, it isn't a good idea to continue like this. Sleep more and take a day off here and there. I promise when you wait 12-24 hours after your last meth dose you will start feeling a bit depressed and down.

Oddly no man. It's usually 84-96 hours after my last dose that I really noticed the depression but I have lived with depression since I was 7... So it doesn't phase me. But the anger and irritability is crazy. And I know it is always good to rest.. Lately it's just tweak 3-5 days during the week and then crash on the weekend which isn't good. The Day after just feels amazing. I can still feel a weak rush, I still feel a sense of well being, I get up and actually wanna go to work and what not... Just overall the shit just destroys all my feelings, mania, irritation, negative thoughts, and keeps me feeling happy until I don't dose for a few days.

 

[Samulson]

Just a thought, but I wonder if that smell might not be coming from a build up of lactic acid and other toxins from lack of sleep.

"I have only slept 6 hours this week. Last time I ate was Tuesday."

Also might want to consider taking a break from it, that kind of body abuse is going to get painful.

 

[ThatSpaceyKid]

Just a thought, but I wonder if that smell might not be coming from a build up of lactic acid and other toxins from lack of sleep.

"I have only slept 6 hours this week. Last time I ate was Tuesday."

Also might want to consider taking a break from it, that kind of body abuse is going to get painful.

Yep. Never again mate... I tripped the fuck out well not really... I had also been drinking coffee the whole time which probably made it worse... But that last night I covered my Windows, I made sure there was no sounds in my room, I had the lights off, I had shit blocking the door, and I had my phone off because it was tripping me out and any sounds I heard sent me into rage or sent me into high alert mode... Hell I told off my mother because she kept coming into my room and made me jump....

And possibly. I was thinking that I smelt like Adrenaline, stress sweat, my socks smelt like a strong hint of Ammonia, my face and hair smelt like grease and sweat, and it is very possible that I smelt like lactic acid as well.

 

[Hecticus]

You've lived with 'depression' since 7 years old? Well if that doesn't phase you just wait until you experience such complete hopelessness you wish you were dead, unmotivated to the extent you can't get out of bed, eat or function sexually. You're no different. If you continue to abuse Meth you will experience severe longlasting depression which will strongly motivate you to use more instead of waiting out withdrawal.

 

[ThatSpaceyKid]

You will never be able to understand... Because everything you say I've already lived or live with every day.

It got worse over the years... Trust me... I've wished I was dead and felt that hopelessness most of my days, if not that I wanted someone else to suffer. I've attempted to kill myself several times now along the way. I am to the point where I am done with sex because I hate myself, don't think I'm good enough, feel unattractive, don't have the drive, find drugs to be more pleasure, or don't enjoy the pleasure or get attracted.....

I can honestly say that I don't find joy or pleasure in life. I don't care for love and relationships. I don't care for my own family. I don't care for my health. I hurt myself just for fun because after binging I know my bodies fucked, but the adrenaline, rush, etc is more important and is amazing. I don't try to make friends of find hobbies. I don't care about my pride. I don't care about ANYONE. It doesn't matter who you are.... If your close or distant to me your just irritating and mean nothing. I don't feel bad for hurting people anymore, I don't mind any pain anymore, if someone. I go days without eating or sleeping... I can't cry anymore. I don't want to go anywhere in life. I don't care about my job or school.

I don't even have a girlfriend because I always choose my habit over them. There's been times where I slept for 16-20 hours a day... I slept through school, work, when family was around, the holidays, my birthday, just whenever.... Hell it kills me to get in the shower, clean stuff up, and make sure clothes are clean... If I truley can't I will go days without showering or changing. I don't have any remorse or second thoughts... If it I am in great need I will gladly steal from a poor family who needs it to get by. I will steal from my own family if I need to and don't care how it hurts them... I don't even care when I make my family cry or make them feel horrible. I'm always starving. But I can't eat most days. I only eat once every two days or so on average. Or if I eat its barely a few bites and a bottle of water....

Basically man I've been doing Crystal Methamphetamine for ages now.... I will admit the depression and self hate is a bitch, BUT they only come around after being sober for 3-5 days... If I use one day I will feel fine for the next 2-3 days.... The depression is such a familiar thing that it doesn't hurt me.... The only things that phase me are anxiety, rage, mania, and those days where I have given up where I just NEED to use because if not I spend my next week unfunctional.

 

[Hecticus]

Your depression does not excuse you for being a piece of shit. I can't tell if you're just a junkie, psychopathic or both? Most junkies do feel remorse about the things they've done, which unfortunately reinforcing further abuse. Once again you say "The depression is such a familiar thing that it doesn't hurt me", then why do you continue to use and hurt yourself and your family if you can 'handle' your depression? Don't kid yourself, i think similar to me it's hard to recall ever being content without drugs because you've been abusing them for a long time. I hope you will one day find something else worth living for.

 

[queenbee1127]

I vote psychopath ??

 

[ThatSpaceyKid]

Your depression does not excuse you for being a piece of shit. I can't tell if you're just a junkie, psychopathic or both? Most junkies do feel remorse about the things they've done, which unfortunately reinforcing further abuse. Once again you say "The depression is such a familiar thing that it doesn't hurt me", then why do you continue to use and hurt yourself and your family if you can 'handle' your depression? Don't kid yourself, i think similar to me it's hard to recall ever being content without drugs because you've been abusing them for a long time. I hope you will one day find something else worth living for.

I'm a piece of shit because that's what they made of me. Being pushed down. Being forgotten. Being alone. Feeling suicidal for a very long time.. Always fighting and putting me down. My "Happy" family hates each other so there's always a good fight. Having to learn to stand up for myself and use my words to bring them to tears. Everything is gone. No more educational pursuits. No more worries. No more sanity... I can easily talk to my family about drugs any kind of drugs... I can talk to them about my personal drug use... I had to confess to shooting up... I tell them too of death and death wishes, insult their relgion/morals, degrade and dehumanize, humiliate, deceive, destroy, my thoughts of homicide and suicide....

Waking up feeling like a different person with a new mindset, hopelessness, New morals, New goals, and new ultimate highs and devastating lows each day I breath. Erupting into rage when someone goes against my intentions or fails me. Doing things unreasonable things, deadly things without a care for mine or others safety. forgetting them, dealing the consequences. I'm Bipolar, depressed, and take Antipsychotics to....

I can't get over the countless days crying and needing to self medicate. That's what's kept me here and desire to hurt others with my slow decay and death. I am the bird that never flew. The one tossed from the nest straight to Hell. Stuck in a world unknown forever. A stranger to everyone. My thoughts seem perfectly normal to me, but once they are expressed to others I sound like a psychotic disturbed person.

I have used so many drugs... I am fried. What keeps me alive is my ability to survive. I have learned to hate and hate, but over time hate turned to hurt. Hurting and feeling dead, needing to take it up a notch, and feeling forgotten.

One thing led to another. I was tired of hurting and being alone. Years of repressed hurt, hatred, rage, sorrow, hostility, Self identity, memories, regrets, envies, and habits turned into a bitter past... I was reborn and tainted with sin. From that day on ... I became worse and worse. I started to become the deceptive, sly, wise, chill, unafraid, death chasing, uncaring, worthless, gone, tweaker that I am now.

I started doing Marijuana, Pills, Booze, ... I upgraded to Heroin and Crystal Methamphetamine. As soon as I didn't feel relief anymore... I've self harmed at a time as well.... Now I am lost. When smoking became useless I put it in my veins with a syringe... And now I must smoke everyday...

What's the point trying to find something to live for? I always get on top of the world, steady, have good chances for a good future, Work hard, study hard, aim to astound the world, clean from drugs for a week at most... I work hard to build this up months and months... BUT all it fucking takes is ONE moment, minute, hour, episode, and the need to medicate to take everything I worked for and built from me... It all goes away because of ONE fucking thing... Even if it wasn't my fault.... I just.... Fell in love with tweaking... I don't even care what it does to my body. I was desperate enough to smoke meth in a public bathroom today...

I was walking around and picked up... There was a lot of wind. A bubble in my hands. A bag of Crystal Methamphetamine and a craving that needs to be met. I NEEDED it... I went to the bathroom at this place and was in there for 20 minutes... The bathroom smelled like meth. A fucking hobo walked in and questioned me so I gave him a cigarette and walked off.... I craved all day. Have not slept... I have had to be very careful and under the table with my use... The parents confirmed my use because I told them after they hinted and bugged for two weeks...They think I'm on Heroin mostly but it's Crystal Methamphetamine.

It's okay though. I used my meth mind and convinced them I was going out with an old friend today. Life sucks... The family wont let it go. They make it an issue. I have to stay home alone most days because " I just go out to get high".. They bring up what I did day by day. I have to be 10 steps ahead.... My craving got to bad though. I told this lie with a straight face because my dad is a fucking idiot. I made it right after work because all I fucking do is work ugh. He believed I went with a friend for 30 minutes and came back sober. My mother stupidly gave me more money and got told off. Then I told her off for being a fucking whiner. My brother came home happy as hell BUT I'm tweaked so I ruined his day with a violent argument. Gotta say using his dead friends and degrading them is satisfying. My sister left after 5 minutes of me being around because I'm stupid, and crazy.

 

[Dresden]

Forget what everybody else thinks. Your problem is that you hate yourself, or at least your current behavior. The good news is that you can change your behavior if (and only if) you want to deep down inside. Ask yourself, "Why am I choosing to act like this when it is not bringing me happiness?" If you don't change your addict behavior, chances are your family will get rid of you in one way or another. Mine did it to me when I was smoking too much crack 10 years ago.

As for the methamphetamine, if you keep on vaping more everyday, then there's no telling how long you'll be awake for.

 

[F1n1shed]

You remind me of a hatefuly edgy teen. How old are you? I can relate to a lot of this though, the depression and hopelessness. That getting clean just doesn't last because life begins sucking again.

I think you are comfortable in your depression, comfortable in the misery. You catch a buzz off it and don't want to change so you continue to use.

 

[ThatSpaceyKid]

You remind me of a hatefuly edgy teen. How old are you? I can relate to a lot of this though, the depression and hopelessness. That getting clean just doesn't last because life begins sucking again.

I think you are comfortable in your depression, comfortable in the misery. You catch a buzz off it and don't want to change so you continue to use.

19.. Hate is all there is besides hurt... I want revenge on so many people.... It's slowly happening. Exactly.... A month or so clean but then life starts to suck or mania drives me to do it. I wouldn't say comfortable just accepting... It's been this way for ages... After a point I just stopped caring because depression and misery was my only companion for years. The feeling I really understand besides rage and anger. I would say I wouldn't know how to be "Happy"... I don't have any hobbies besides drugs. I don't have anyone to care to much. I don't know how to have fun without being high. I don't know when to stop. I don't abstain from the substances because I don't know how or really have a reason to.

I don't have hope. I don't have pride. I don't have a high ego or self esteem. I don't accept myself and hate myself. I just want the end in some means even death if it sets me free. I won't turn to God because I have NEVER accepted religion. I was forced years ago, but now I have the choice and I vow not to step into another church or place of worship again...

 

[Grinders Kiefers]

19.. Hate is all there is besides hurt... I want revenge on so many people.... It's slowly happening. Exactly.... A month or so clean but then life starts to suck or mania drives me to do it. I wouldn't say comfortable just accepting... It's been this way for ages... After a point I just stopped caring because depression and misery was my only companion for years. The feeling I really understand besides rage and anger. I would say I wouldn't know how to be "Happy"... I don't have any hobbies besides drugs. I don't have anyone to care to much. I don't know how to have fun without being high. I don't know when to stop. I don't abstain from the substances because I don't know how or really have a reason to.

I don't have hope. I don't have pride. I don't have a high ego or self esteem. I don't accept myself and hate myself. I just want the end in some means even death if it sets me free. I won't turn to God because I have NEVER accepted religion. I was forced years ago, but now I have the choice and I vow not to step into another church or place of worship again...

Depression is comfortable because you've lived that way for long enough that it's easier to navigate in a miserable state all the time than to try anything different. I've lived most of my life feeling depressed for one reason or another because I didn't think I could do anything about it. It's not easy to bring yourself to change and drugs will always seem comforting because they let you hide how you're truly feeling, but usually leave you even more depressed than when you started because you have no idea what's really going on inside of you.

Nobody knows "how" to be happy because it isn't a learned behavior; it is a choice, however. Only you can decide whether to think positively or negatively, and the more you feed those negative thoughts, the more real they become. You don't have hope, pride or self-esteem because you tell yourself it's true. The easiest way to change reality is to change your mind.

 

[SoulRo||in]

You will never be able to understand... Because everything you say I've already lived or live with every day.

It got worse over the years... Trust me... I've wished I was dead and felt that hopelessness most of my days, if not that I wanted someone else to suffer. I've attempted to kill myself several times now along the way. I am to the point where I am done with sex because I hate myself, don't think I'm good enough, feel unattractive, don't have the drive, find drugs to be more pleasure, or don't enjoy the pleasure or get attracted.....

I can honestly say that I don't find joy or pleasure in life. I don't care for love and relationships. I don't care for my own family. I don't care for my health. I hurt myself just for fun because after binging I know my bodies fucked, but the adrenaline, rush, etc is more important and is amazing. I don't try to make friends of find hobbies. I don't care about my pride. I don't care about ANYONE. It doesn't matter who you are.... If your close or distant to me your just irritating and mean nothing. I don't feel bad for hurting people anymore, I don't mind any pain anymore, if someone. I go days without eating or sleeping... I can't cry anymore. I don't want to go anywhere in life. I don't care about my job or school.

I don't even have a girlfriend because I always choose my habit over them. There's been times where I slept for 16-20 hours a day... I slept through school, work, when family was around, the holidays, my birthday, just whenever.... Hell it kills me to get in the shower, clean stuff up, and make sure clothes are clean... If I truley can't I will go days without showering or changing. I don't have any remorse or second thoughts... If it I am in great need I will gladly steal from a poor family who needs it to get by. I will steal from my own family if I need to and don't care how it hurts them... I don't even care when I make my family cry or make them feel horrible. I'm always starving. But I can't eat most days. I only eat once every two days or so on average. Or if I eat its barely a few bites and a bottle of water....

Basically man I've been doing Crystal Methamphetamine for ages now.... I will admit the depression and self hate is a bitch, BUT they only come around after being sober for 3-5 days... If I use one day I will feel fine for the next 2-3 days.... The depression is such a familiar thing that it doesn't hurt me.... The only things that phase me are anxiety, rage, mania, and those days where I have given up where I just NEED to use because if not I spend my next week unfunctional.

I would edit the quote but the app stinks on my phone..

Just wanted to say yes I know what you are going through, I came up with a term 'Suicide is closer than Sex' to explain the gauge you just explained. You do have to find someone to open up and get love back in your life and that gauge will move back over to the sex side. But not sex without love in your current state. That won't work and will just give you more conditioning of being used since you currently feel unworthy.

It is a dangerous trap since there are millions of people and fetish web sites that will prey on your state of mind and condition you through degradation sexual relief to keep you there. Enjoy it for a while while you are there. You can really get serious relief from your helplessness to 'go with it' and reset your urges... But don't stay there long.

Life is all about experiences but if you feel stuck in hopelessness reflect on what I said before thinking only of suicide.

I can go into more details if this resonates with anyone.

-SoulRo||in

 

[Man in the Dark]

19.. Hate is all there is besides hurt... I want revenge on so many people.... It's slowly happening. Exactly.... A month or so clean but then life starts to suck or mania drives me to do it. I wouldn't say comfortable just accepting... It's been this way for ages... After a point I just stopped caring because depression and misery was my only companion for years. The feeling I really understand besides rage and anger. I would say I wouldn't know how to be "Happy"... I don't have any hobbies besides drugs. I don't have anyone to care to much. I don't know how to have fun without being high. I don't know when to stop. I don't abstain from the substances because I don't know how or really have a reason to.

I don't have hope. I don't have pride. I don't have a high ego or self esteem. I don't accept myself and hate myself. I just want the end in some means even death if it sets me free. I won't turn to God because I have NEVER accepted religion. I was forced years ago, but now I have the choice and I vow not to step into another church or place of worship again...

You are 19 years old!!! You are still a kid, grow up and be a man and change your thought process. I know shit is hard believe me I know from experience family and military trauma. Don't give up so easy I am in my 40' s and still fighting everyday.

 

[ThatSpaceyKid]

You are 19 years old!!! You are still a kid, grow up and be a man and change your thought process. I know shit is hard believe me I know from experience family and military trauma. Don't give up so easy I am in my 40' s and still fighting everyday.

Good for you really .... I wish I had something to love and to love me... But never works. Or I get detached after time... I always screw up during mania and fuck up everything... My family knows everything, so now when I'm going from happy, sad, depressed, anxious, angry,etc all in a few days they blame drugs... When drugs keep me fucking sane... I can't be sober.... Not even from Bud.... Everything I feel is extremely intensified.. Sadness to me is a breakdown or suicidal thoughts or using substance and not eating and sleeping for days... Happiness is being extremely irritiated hyper talking a mile a minute feeling euphoric and not sleeping. Anger is rage I start fighting with people cussing breaking shit hitting or cutting myself threatening suicide and fist fights with the family or just going and vanishing for a day or two without telling anyone... No matter what it turns to misery tears and anger to...