• TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT

I just need to do it

disgraced

Greenlighter
Joined
May 2, 2015
Messages
5
Where I need to be is not where I'm at. I have been using hydrocodone almost regularly for at least the past three years. I feel like I live half of my life feeling great, and the other half miserable. I'll use hydrocodone for two weeks, and then I go without for two weeks. I believe in the past 3 years the longest I went without pills was 20 days or so, I remember feeling ill still around that time, but today I realize that it was most likely my mind telling me to feel ill because pills were available, so then I would just use again.

The time that I was on pills before then was about 4.5 - 5 years ago, and I would only take some every now and then, I never felt addicted or that I developed a dependency on them at all, even when I got sick because I was not taking them. I remember feeling so ill, but at the time I was young and ignorant. I didn't think that being sick at that time had anything to do with NOT taking pills. I knew at the time that taking one or two would have made me feel better, but I never thought that I was sick from not taking them. After being physically ill for a week or so life still sucked, depressed and anxious, my mood and mind just wasn't right. Then (i can remember vividly) waking up one day, and it was so euphoric. I felt great, I felt normal, and I felt happy.

Back to today, I'm going through PAWS from using hydrocodone. I don't really have a support system, and I'm hoping that by posting this I can meet some people and we can all help each other get through whatever problems were going through. First time doing something like this. It's either this or rehab, I'm literally at an end.
 
Welcome to Bluelight and the recovery forums and congratulations on making the decision to quit. You will definitely find a lot of peer support here. Check out these threads and articles in particular:

http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads...er-Thread-vs-April-Showers-bring-May-Sobriety

http://www.poppswebsite.com/post-acute-withdrawal-paw/

Do you have any kind of support at all in your life? (I'm thinking of even one or two friends or family members that know what is going on.) When you are making such a fundamental change in your life you need as much support as you can gather around you. How do you feel about meetings (SMART Recovery or AA/NA) ?
 
Don't be so hard on yourself disgraced. Today is a new day and you are an addict like many people here so you are not alone just remember that.

20 days is a long time I commend you for that but at the same time it isn't a hefty amount of because as you stated pills were still around and deep down you probably knew you weren't done. You gotta delete all your connects and just be done with the scene as hopefully you are now. Im not gonna sugar coat it, it's an uphill battle and the hardest thing ull do for the rest of your life. But thinking "rest of your life" can be overwelming so let's not worry about that. Just get through today. It's 6am here I haven't slept because im at day 3/4 again for the 1,000,000,0000 time lol but I wanted to write to you. Im sitting outside smoking a cig drinking tea watching the deer run around.

Go in to each day with the mindset of positivity. Sure your emotions will go up and down a lot all day as in "i can do this" "no I can't" "yes I can" lol its crazy but you can do it. If I can you can and well do it together :)

As addicts we want the instant fix. I laugh at myself sometimes because im 25 using for 7 years and after only 7 days clean i expect everytjing to be normal and good?!?!! How crazy does that sound? 365 days X 7 years whatever that equals and like you i expect to be ok after 2 weeks!!! Come on unfortunatly shit just don't work like that. But you will get better with time I promise you that but only you can allow yourself to reap the benefits of being sober, we just want those benefits to come ASAP but they prob won't for a couple months. That's my issue to i don't give myself enough time but im not giving up and I got lots of money saved for a car and things are looking up finally. It's been a tough road with lots of bumps but we can walk it together :)

Be a little miserable for a month or 2 now and have a happy life, or live in this shithole forever. Only you decide how the story ends! Luckily it's an autobiography and you can end it how you want. You have control, not the pills.

PM me if you ever want to vent I'll do w.e I can to help
 
Thanks for the support. A bit of an update, I was anxious and depressed last night, I think it had to do with coming down off the marijuana. Took my last two tramadols last night which calmed me down a bit. I don't experience anything from tramadol, only thing it really does is keeps my mood in check and prevents RLS but I don't feel buzzed off them. Woke up today, mind is pretty good, legs are pretty good, energy is quite low.

So yeah I'm calling today my day 1 without pills. I did take some loperamide, and unfortunately I've had 2 shots of whiskey thus far. I've never really had a problem with drinking, I would drink every weekend for a few weeks, but then I'd go months without drinking. When I drink, I know I'm going to feel like shit the next day, so i rarely do drink. But by taking pills I know I'm going to feel terrible eventually, it's inevitable; so why do I do it? Blows my mind sometimes.

Why do I do this?


Anyway, herbavore, thanks for the additional information. No I don't really have a support system, people are aware but they don't really think it's an issue. And I just to know what to say man.

nygiants, thanks for the support man. I want to be here for you, for anyone, just like people would be here for me. If you need chat or vent or whatever. PM man, we can get through this!!!

Emotions are going crazy. I sometimes think if I was away from the sounds and sights that remind of certain things then maybe this would be easier. But who can just pick up and go, I can't. I just have to deal with it I guess.

Since my initial post, something that has really excited me is to be able to pay this forward one day. Cause I clearly need help, and people are willing to help, it just amazes me how people can come together and help one another out.
 
keymaster, thanks for the support. I read your post earlier, and I actually started looking up some NA meetings while at work. Its definitely something that I should try, not just now in the beginning, but also down the road after (fingers crossed) I make it out of this situation.

Probably had a few too many drinks last night, which made the night a little rough with RLS but woke up around 2:30 and my legs felt a bit better. Actually made it to work too. Biggest issues today are tingly legs, can't stop yawning, can't stop sneezing and just extremely lethargic. As for the mental part, just not too good. I mean I tried to just focus at work, but anxiety/depression would slip in now and again. Something that I forget when going through this is that, before the WD starts I always think it's going to be non-stop physical/mental pain until it gets better (or i use again), but today it comes and goes in spurts. What I'm saying is that I'll feel like shit for a few hours and then I'll feel pretty decent for 45 minutes before the symptoms sink back in. I'm also convinced that having a positive attitude is really helpful.


Thanks for checking this thread out. Tomorrow is day 3 for me. I think a big challenge will be in a few weeks when pills become available, having the will power to stay away! Feel free to PM me (anyone) or just post to this thread if you have any questions.
 
Yo disgraced your inbox is full I can't respond lol.. i screenshotted my message tho cuz it's long n I don't wanna forget what i said
 
Okay everyone, listen up...I read many threads about the withdrawals and let me explain everything you'll go through.
I done every type of pain pill, suboxone, the patches even was hooked on xanax, for years, I dont see much about long term usage effects, very different from someone using for 6mths-year, withdrawling for their first time, long term users can experience longer withdrawls and repeated symptoms. If you are planning to stop cold turkey, listen up, see a doctor first and explain and don't leave without xanax, any benzo's, you'll need them and get everything ready, you won't have the energy later.
First most important, any opiates your taking you need to bring it down to a level to able to withstand the withdrawals, anyone taking high doses shouldn't even be reading this, your still abusing. My wife was on fentynal patches, 100mgs, that's a lot and in two maths got her down to oxy 20mg, the final script we decided to take 10mg for a few days then a qtr pill, 5mg for a few days then it begins.
First you'll sleep a day, maybe even two but on the 3rd day withdrawals really begin due to any opiates still in your system, once out then be ready, just remember that it will end, in time.
You'll get brain flashes, nerve ending tweaking in your face, on your lips, hot flashes, hot flashes last a few days to a week, usually, for my wife and me. The the uncomfortable feeling something eating away at you inside, sick to your stomach. Then the mental game, RLS, insomnia.
Let's start with a plan and let me explain that a lot of drugs are being mentioned on here to cope but in the end it can just prolong your withdrawals and some meds can make things worse, like RLS, I tried baclphon muscle relaxer, made my RLS worse and also, benadryol for sleep didn't work and made my RLS 10x worse.
Plan that worked for me;
Started taking vitamins, right before stopping would be best, a multi V, vitamin B complex, vitamin B12 (vitamin B for energy, nerves) and potassium for nerves also, L-tyrosine for energy.
First started taking 2 multi vitamins daily, with Vitamins B,s and potassium. You'll need your vitamins so your body heals, it helps but don't think you'll feel any different, will help some with energy lvl's and the fact you can't eat.
You can try L-tyrosine later as you feel better, atleast a week before you'll be able to get around.
Take xanax for sleep, try not to take it durning the day the first week, withdrawal, get it out of you first because insomnia will kick in on day 4 and you WILL not be able to sleep...no matter what. I had done this without any xanax and was up for 8 straight days without no sleep until I finally fell asleep for a half hour, a day later got an hour sleep and more sleep as days went on. Your brain has to reprogram your natural sleep pattern, you been going to bed drowsy everyday so its something you'll have to deal with, even taking xanax will still prevent your natural sleeping pattern from coming back so do not take xanax daily for a long period of time, then you'll have to withdrawal from that and to me it was worse than opiates, lucky for me i got off benzos a year before all this.
See Thomas recipe for vitamins, minerals you'll need.
The first week is hard, take xanax as needed for sleep and will help with nerves and RLS, there are meds for RLS which can be fine if only using for a week, any meds will just prolong withdrawals so get it over with. Take hot showers, if you get sleep, stay up all day and keep your mind active, try eating soup, banana's, anything easy to get down, a little at a time. I believe my first week wasn't so bad, the hot flashes, sneezing (will go on for a month due to your nose being so dry) as fluid starts coming back to your nose it will eventually stop. The eerie feeling of wanting to rip off my skin, no energy..etc. As for me, week two was worse, the mental game begins, very restless, I drank sometimes and got shit faced to kill the pain, my wife swears weed helped her a lot, made things worse for me, I did try Lyrica and seemed to help but only took for a few days then my brain was tweaking again.
It always seemed any meds that did help gave some relief but prolonged withdrawals, just because I'm not sick as a dog doesn't mean I'm not withdrawaling, withdrawals can last a month even two months with repeated symptoms which may not last long but can come back, this is why I state, spread out them xanax, you'll need them.
Week one had maybe 1-2mg xanax, week two 1mg a day, week 3 half mg a day. I did save a few on the side for down the road, I'm on week 6 and still feel some restless, low energy but I get better each.
Now with no xanax, I'll have a few beers, rum and coke for the mental part, I'm now thinking much clearer, more active everyday, keeping busy, now eating better, no more vitamins, I'm finding food now comforts me as i now get bored quite easily.
I do not find myself wanting any oxy's, maybe a xanax here and there but I know I need to heal, your body needs to be COMPLETELY off everything, drug free for you to heal.
Do not take suboxone unless its only for a week to bring your self down, suboxone withdrawals are very bad, I know! Most meds listed on blue light for relief may, may not help but just remember, long term abusers (years) will will prolong symptoms.
People mention having sex helps, it does and will help you sleep better.
After 6 weeks, my head still rings some, some low energy, now having coffee in the morning helps, it took a month for my natural sleeping pattern to come back, now getting 6-8 hrs sleep everyday.
I now don't care to get high but only to get healthy, you can get permanent nerve damage from long term usage, your nerves will soon return to normal but may take a month.
Finally done and never have to worry about running out of pills or worrying about getting sick again. Many will agree, many won't but from experience I know what worked for me and know any meds won't make things better, only use for short time relief and get on with getting better, trust me, it will all be worth it.
Good luck everyone and stay clean.
 
I've have been using so long I don't want to even mention, don't want anyone to think well he did it that long then I'm OK, no..I wasted many years of my life I will not get back. Once you cross over from hydrocodone to oxycodone its a completely different game, I didn't want to do anything anymore, vikes are still a bad habit, any opioid habit is but once crossed over my life changed. Years of abuse, I didn't want this to happen but it did and all became a catch 22, didn't want them, couldn't live without them. As stated above anyone can see what i just went through, anyone who keeps playing around about quitting like I done for years and fooling yourself will be in a world of trouble. I wish I never done an oxy, well I paid the price.
If your on day 3, day 4, 5...just keep going, it can get tough, the hardest thing I ever had to do but again I abused half my life away, don't let it happen to you and don't let these pills or whatever your taking get a hold on you. each day you'll get better, listen to someone who's done just about everything, had withdrawals many times, life changing experiences, losing jobs, family.. I can go on and on.
Stay positive, if anyone needs help plz PM me, I will try to help in anyway. The wife and I both got caught up in it, both went through withdrawals, supported each now both clean. Never again, never. Stay clean.
 
done finally, thanks for the info I appreciate it. And I’m glad that you (and your wife) seem to be on a good path.

Tomorrow will be day 7. I’m feeling pretty good during the day, anxiety seems to be subsiding for the most part. A couple things worth noting: I’m experiencing tingling sensation in my left hand, and left forearm. Also last night/this morning I woke up with a really bad charlie horse in my foot. I haven’t been taking anything really. I did take a loperamide two days ago, and I’ve been taking naproxen (Aleve) twice a day (once every eight hours). I did take a few vitamins today as well, I use to take them daily, but multivitamins usually make me tired after taking them. Since I’ve little energy the past few days, I’ve avoided them. Also, i walked/ran 5 miles tonight. I use to run regularly, so slowly starting to get back into without pushing it too much. As for sleeping goes, once I’m able to fall asleep I do sleep for a few hours, usually either wake up around 7 and just get up for the day, or wake up around 3ish, stay awake for an hour to two before I pass back out and then wake up around 7. Appetite is back up, probably too hungry, but eh well. I’m not going to deny myself food, my body is telling me to eat so I’m going to eat. I definitely do not eat too much though, eating too much (especially before going to bed) makes me feel like my blood pressure rises and causes my legs to become restless. The time before last that I was going through WDs I would have bad RLS while at work; I sit down most of the day so RLS would cause a big problem. I was able to calm myself down using breathing exercises, and I noticed that it reduced or relieved my RLS. I was doing the same thing last night; If I can’t fall asleep, I’ll use some breathing exercises and they seem to help me. Breathing in and out evenly for about 4 or 5 seconds, and just focusing on breathing helped me.


Again, thanks for the information. Trying my hardest and staying focused.
 
One minute at a time.<3 Sometimes learning to take life in those small focused increments is a beneficial lesson for much more than addiction--it's also great for anxiety and over-thinking and lots of other things that hold addiction in place. You can do it! stay strong.<3
 
Disgraced, sounds like your on the right path. I remember counting the minutes in the first week, then counting the hours in week 2, then counting the days. It seemed when your high time flys by now going through all this time stood still, just takes time, then more time. Insomnia and RLS was bad for me, tingling in my arms, legs and feet, the mental game, brain zaps. After week 2 I seemed to start getting better each day, out walking, going to parks keeping myself busy.
I do want to mention that I did take some xanax about a week ago and a few days later some minor symptoms did return, insomnia, RLS and some ringing in my ears, just shows what some meds can do to your head while your trying to heal, I threw away any left over xanax.
Thanks for the awesome comments, you are on the right path, keep your head high. Doing great and so awesome to hear your doing so well.
PM me anytime, I'll try to be on everyday for support!
 
disgraced said:
donefinally said:
Just checking on you, let me know how everything is going.
(I can't send any more PM messages??)
Yes, I got some advice.
I went through the same crap, took xanax for the mental part, your feeling like this because your brain is all messed up, its a neurological issue, xanax is a head med so only use it on a very short term basics, it will prolong symptoms and some symptoms may return, I'm almost 8 weeks out and took xanax last week (for about a week) after a few days insomnia returned and RLS, tingling in my feet, some ringing in my ears, only lasted a few days, feeling better but just shows that you need to be completely clean to heal. I think a xanax here and there won't hurt, just don't take them everyday. I'm having withdrawals from opiates only also, it can still mess with your head trying to heal.
The mental part, its hard, very hard at first but after awhile, it WILL all go away, no more anxiety, no more feeling like your brain is going to shut down and die, it will all go away and you'll feel better than you have in a long time. You'll start getting your mental energy back and soon will say, I'm done...finally.
Don't try to think about it every min of the day, keep doing as your doing, staying active and each day you'll get better.
Your doing awesome, your almost done with this.
Keep in touch.

Thank you for the awesome comments!
 
First off just want to say thanks if you’re reading this, whether you’re generally interested in my well being or looking for information/support for yourself, or both. So thank you. Day 14 is upon me, obviously the majority of the physical symptoms have subsided. For a while there, in the evening (9PM or so) I would get really tired, really fast, and just have to crash. 9PM is way earlier than normal for me to go to sleep. The fact that I was able to sleep though was great, I would rather get super tired and be able to sleep than suffer from insomnia and RLS all night. So anyone reading this, those crappy symptoms, they do subside, and when you get frustrated that you’re too tired, remember that it could be worse (and probably was just a few days prior). As far as the mental symptoms, mainly the anxiety, I would say for the most part that I’m less-anxious, or not anxious at all for the majority of the day. The mornings can still be just a bit rough, nights are pretty good like I said since I’ve been getting tired quick.

All right, rather than continue with a straight update, and since this thread already exists, I’d like to ask a question. I am NOT epileptic, nor have I ever suffered from a seizure in my life (not that I’m aware of at least). Can anyone provide information on the risks of having a seizure at this point (14 days off hydro, was using max 70mg/day prior to quitting). Reason why I ask is that there has been at least two situations in the past two weeks that have been odd to say the least. The first episode was when I was pretty much completely asleep, but I awoke when a member of my family came home (around 3AM). I woke up a little bit, my sister shut the door to my bedroom, and I can’t really explain it but there was this intense pressure in my head. At first it was if two things happened, 1) somebody slammed their hands on my bed near my head as hard as they could (so it was super loud and startling), and 2) it felt as if someone was pressing my head into my pillow/bed as hard as they could. Because of these two things, there was intense pressure in my head, I felt like I was screaming and seconds later it was if I just woke up. Nothing like this has never happened before, it freaked me about. Also at this time, and days leading up to and a few days after, there has been some I would say quite intense at times, tingling in my extremities (fingers, hands, lower forearm, upper leg), primarily on my left side.

I probably wouldn’t have brought this up, I would’ve been ok just letting it go. The tingling for the most part is gone, or at least I don’t notice it. But today, I had a eye exam. During the exam the dr is shining this light in my eyes, no big deal, you know I’ve had eye exams before, but all of sudden I became nauseated, intense sweating all over, tingling and heat in my head, pale in the face, felt like I was going to pass out. Sorry if it’s TMI but I almost thought I was going to lose my bowel, it was that intense. It seemed at the time more than just getting a little nauseated and feeling sick in the stomach, like I said besides the quick sweats, there was a strange tingle and heat in my head.

Am I at risk of a seizure at this point? I’ve been 2 weeks clean before, (I’ve been completely clean, 6+ months before) and I never remember anything like this happening. I did look up some information to try and determine what epileptics experience before seizures, like “Odd feelings, often indescribable”, I know that’s vague, but these two episodes were very odd, including the tingling that I was experiencing on my left side.

Thanks in advanced.
 
Hey disgraced, first I want to say; your doing so awesome!
Ill mention some things I went through but I also had abused for many, many years so my symptoms can be much longer.
Hey, check your blood pressure, it can be low at first but can also get high, my wife's blood pressure went through the roof in her withdrawals.
I experienced some very weird things going on, I felt like I was going to have a seizure, my brain was so out of wack, this was still going on in the 4th-5th week, the weird feeling in my legs, feet and had went on for a month but wasn't so bad after week 2, feeling anxiety... Bad, and my head ringing, it still rings, not as bad.
I started taking my vitamins again (shouldn't of stopped) which will help your brain heal, 2 multi V, V B complex, B12 and potassium. Also heard amino acids from GNC help you heal faster (have not tried yet), make sure to take your vitamins daily and take for at least 2-3 months until your completely healed.
Like I said its a neurological thing, most symptoms should be similar but some may experience different symptoms, main thing is your getting your sleep, I didn't get my full nights rest til week 3-4 so lucky you, you'll begin to heal quick getting your sleep. I bet in a week you'll feel much, much better.

I talked to and seen some people who abused drugs so bad their feet swelled up so bad and had huge nerve problems and their head so messed up, seems they had brain damage, they abused badly, for many years so don't feel so bad, many have it really bad.

I have been sweating a lot also, not hot flashes but just sweat, durning the day, mostly under my arms, don't know why??

I honestly felt I was going to have a seizure or my brain was going to shut down and I was going to die. I reliezed it was just something I needed to go through and havnt felt like that in awhile.
I'm about 85% back to normal, still healing after about 8 weeks, slight ringing in my ears and some anxiety (very minor), other than that doing OK.

You should not go through that length of time, after a month you should be feeling great. Everything your feeling "should be normal" but don't quote me on that, your doc will give better advice.

Your doing great, hang it there, each day you'll get better....so awesome!!!!!
Keep in touch
 
Also, I want to mention that I also went through many withdrawals too, seems to me that every time I got back on the crap I experienced more withdrawal symptoms, worse and longer. I believe I screwed my head up by getting on, off, on, off, different opiates, more symptoms, withdrawals over and over, definitely screw with my head. I remember the first time I had withdrawals, wasn't so bad but I kept on abusing, over and over and now are completely horrible..now paying the price. That's me and everyone's different but to me, the more you screw with your head the worse it can be.
 
Disgraced,
Hang in there, you now should be going on week 3, keep it up, you'll be feeling much better.
 
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