dl_engineer
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2008
- Messages
- 4
This evening, I was researching ibogaine, a medicine that I used once before, 8 years ago. Back then, I was a raver, a compulsive user of coke and amphetamines, and I also had a very serious drinking problem. Along with the substance abuse issues, I suffered from severe depression (largely because of the substances I was abusing) and things had reached the point where I was seriously contemplating suicide. The ibogaine worked as advertised, and 24 hours later I felt great, no depression, no withdrawals, no cravings, and a fresh, clear head.
So why am I posting about it now? Because one of the trip reports I came across tonight was my own, posted on Bluelight a few days after the experience! It is here, in the TR archive: http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/302968-Ibogaine-800mg-First-Time-SAVED-FROM-ADDICTION
They say that hindsight is 20 / 20. They also say that ibogaine treatment is far more likely to result in long-term sobriety when the patient is over the age of 30; the experience of many ibogaine providers is that while ibogaine is incredibly effective in painlessly detoxing patients of all ages, those in their teens and 20s are unlikely to stay sober long term. Whereas when ibogaine is given to older patients with a long history of addiction (the classic cycle of multiple cold turkey withdrawals followed by the inevitable relapses), there is a far better chance that they will permanently kick the habit. Why? Nobody knows for sure, but I suspect it has a lot to do with the arrogance of youth, and the humility and wisdom that grows with age.
In the days leading up to my ibogaine experience in 2007, I was convinced that if the material was indeed effective at helping me to *get* off drugs, I would have no problem *staying* off drugs. If you read my report, you will see that it was highly effective - I got a full reset, in the sense that I no longer craved substances - and in the sense that my chronic depression and mood instability that had been caused my substance abuse was eradicated. I have always been scientifically minded, and thought that taking care of the neurological issues associated with my addictions were all that I needed to stay clean. In response to my report, many BL'ers cautioned that my successful ibogaine detox was just a beginning, that it was imperative that I do some serious psychological work on myself, in order to learn how to live a fun and satisfying life that did not involve the use of substances. Meanwhile, I was so thrilled to have a clear head again that I just started LIVING again, without much thought.
The next few weeks / months were nothing short of amazing. My career took off like a rocket - I went from being a sketchy, broke dropout who built the occasional website and lived in my parents basement to being the technical team lead at a social networking startup. I re-engaged with all the friends whom I had ignored over the last few years as my drug and alcohol use spiraled out of control - and I started dating again, since life was great and I had every reason to be confident in myself and proud of who I was. Of course, many of these old friends whom I reconnected with used drugs and drank alcohol socially, on the weekends. And I thought to myself, "Well, now that I've got my shit together it's time to have some fun - I can drink and use socially just like everyone else!" And for a while, I could - until I couldn't.
Of course, I inevitably ended up back where I'd started - a neverending cycle of binging, vowing to quit, quitting for a while, and falling off the wagon. I wouldn't say that the ibogaine had *no* effect, though - because I never really enjoyed substances the way I had before, and over the years I gradually lost interest in "partying" and the social abuse of substances. Eventually I quit partying for good - in the past two years, I haven't gotten drunk, nor have I touched coke / crystal / k - just like most of my raver friends, real life became challenging and fulfilling enough that the party lifestyle simply lost its appeal to me. This was helped by the fact that 3 years ago, I met an amazing woman - and though it's been bumpy at times, it's the first time I've been in a relationship that gave me more joy than I ever found from using substances / partying / sleeping around, and it just gets better and better!
Unfortunately, over the years, I had developed a nasty dependency on prescription opioids (morphine, oxy, etc); while maturity and motivation will do wonders for quitting party drugs and binge drinking, it is sadly not the case for these insidious little bastards that latch on to the pleasure centres in your brain and distort them, such that even after you make it through the acute withdrawal syndrome (something I succeeded at a number of times), you still have to deal with the endless PAWS - think of PAWS like a low-grade depression, with the primary symptom being an inability to experience pleasure. It makes me sad to think about all the wonderful adventures I have had in my career, in travel, and in love, where I knew I *should* be filled with joy, but I just wasn't. 2 years ago I very foolishly went on Suboxone maintenance - life was great for a while, until the subs destroyed my sex life, made me gain a bunch of weight, and eventually turned me into a fuzzy-headed, emotionally reactive "crybaby" (my theory is that I was suffering from low testosterone, as is common when potent long-acting opioids are used for a period of time). Last summer, I kicked the subs with the help of a kratom taper and moved in with my lady. After a few weeks of feeling pretty good though, the anhedonia returned in the fall - and despite a life that should have been blissful (a wonderful woman, an exciting new career opportunity, and an exotic vacation adventure), I felt flat, dead, lifeless - far worse than I ever had in the days before Suboxone.
I hung in there till January, but finally reached my limit for living life in muted tones of gray - and so for the past few months, I have been using opioids (mostly kratom, occasional pills) - with the result that I can once again experience pleasure from life - but at the cost of my sex drive, and a reduction in my ability to focus on complex intellectual material that is slowly getting worse. Plus I'm broke - Kratom is EXPENSIVE once you develop a tolerance - and it is incredibly frustrating to work long hours, earning a good 6 figure income, while repeatedly ending up in the situation of searching under sofa cushions for enough nickels and dimes to get a coffee on the way to work!
And so, I will once more put my trust in the healing spirit of Iboga - but this time I know that ibogaine will be only a beginning, a clean slate, a chance to build the life I want to have, and that I *can* have. I am incredibly fortunate and blessed to be gifted with technical skills, as it has allowed me to build a remarkably successful career from absolutely nothing, over the past 8 years. Once free from the financial and cerebral chains of addiction, I will be able to truly enjoy the fruits of my labor - I earn enough money that I will be able to simultaneously pay off my debts, live a rather nice lifestyle, and save for the future. I definitely have some work to do in this area - probably because my young adulthood revolved around drugs and alcohol, I never developed the habits of saving and budgeting that are second nature to most people. And I am no longer so naive as to think these habits will develop themselves - the year that I was on Suboxone, my financial situation nearly as bad as when I was using. However, with my clarity of thought restored - and the ability to experience simple pleasures to a greater degree - I believe that I will be able to create new habits for myself and create a degree of stability in my life. I deserve it, and my partner deserves it. I want nothing more than to marry her and spend the rest of our lives together, to have children, and to raise them with love, with acceptance, and with wisdom.
The ibogaine arrives next week - it is en-route from South Africa by courier; thankfully here in Canada, ibogaine is legal to import, to buy, sell, and use. I am familiar with dosing protocols and precautions for the type of chemical dependency I will be treating - so I am fairly confident that by sometime next weekend, I will be fully detoxed from opioids, without significant withdrawal. They say that the days and weeks after ibogaine are a critical time; ibogaine's active metabolite, noribogaine, hangs around in the body for up to 3 weeks, and it has the remarkable effect of increasing GDNF levels in the brain by 12x. GDNF is a molecule that signals to neurons that they should sprout new connections, repair damage - and perhaps, divide, and give birth to brand new brain cells. This process, known as neuroplasticity, is something that all human brains are capable of, with or without ibogaine - it is why there have always been success stories of long term, hardcore addicts and alcoholics, some with symptoms of brain damage, who got clean, stayed clean, and gradually repaired their brains through therapy and hard work. It is a long and arduous process; and for that reason, relapse is almost inevitable in substance abusers who quit cold turkey.
It is said that after ibogaine, it is possible to accomplish the rebuilding process described above, in a far shorter period of time, and therefore with a greater likelihood of success, because the patient will experience relief of the crushing anhedonia of PAWS before it drives them to relapse - if they even experience PAWS at all. But to make this happen, the ibogaine patient must have a plan for what they will do for the month or so following the treatment; it is necessary to immerse oneself in activities that facilitate the rewiring process, such as certain forms of therapy, meditation, art, music, sports, education, ...
Your suggestions and ideas are most welcome. I am lucky to have this second chance at a cure, and wise enough to know that it is not going to be easy - and that I must *listen* to the wisdom of others who have been there, who know people who have been there, and / or who know more about the brain than I do. And these describe the Bluelight community very well
Until next time (yes, I will certainly report on the actual trip as well),
Light Of Iboga
*DEAR MODS: I was "lightofiboga" when I posted the original report, however I cannot retrieve my password as I have no idea what email I used to create that account. I don't care about the username - but I would be very grateful if one of the mods could reopen / unarchive that thread and merge this into it - because everything I have written above is very relevant to the discussion in the original thread about how to stay clean long term after an ibogaine detox! Thanks :D
So why am I posting about it now? Because one of the trip reports I came across tonight was my own, posted on Bluelight a few days after the experience! It is here, in the TR archive: http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/302968-Ibogaine-800mg-First-Time-SAVED-FROM-ADDICTION
They say that hindsight is 20 / 20. They also say that ibogaine treatment is far more likely to result in long-term sobriety when the patient is over the age of 30; the experience of many ibogaine providers is that while ibogaine is incredibly effective in painlessly detoxing patients of all ages, those in their teens and 20s are unlikely to stay sober long term. Whereas when ibogaine is given to older patients with a long history of addiction (the classic cycle of multiple cold turkey withdrawals followed by the inevitable relapses), there is a far better chance that they will permanently kick the habit. Why? Nobody knows for sure, but I suspect it has a lot to do with the arrogance of youth, and the humility and wisdom that grows with age.
In the days leading up to my ibogaine experience in 2007, I was convinced that if the material was indeed effective at helping me to *get* off drugs, I would have no problem *staying* off drugs. If you read my report, you will see that it was highly effective - I got a full reset, in the sense that I no longer craved substances - and in the sense that my chronic depression and mood instability that had been caused my substance abuse was eradicated. I have always been scientifically minded, and thought that taking care of the neurological issues associated with my addictions were all that I needed to stay clean. In response to my report, many BL'ers cautioned that my successful ibogaine detox was just a beginning, that it was imperative that I do some serious psychological work on myself, in order to learn how to live a fun and satisfying life that did not involve the use of substances. Meanwhile, I was so thrilled to have a clear head again that I just started LIVING again, without much thought.
The next few weeks / months were nothing short of amazing. My career took off like a rocket - I went from being a sketchy, broke dropout who built the occasional website and lived in my parents basement to being the technical team lead at a social networking startup. I re-engaged with all the friends whom I had ignored over the last few years as my drug and alcohol use spiraled out of control - and I started dating again, since life was great and I had every reason to be confident in myself and proud of who I was. Of course, many of these old friends whom I reconnected with used drugs and drank alcohol socially, on the weekends. And I thought to myself, "Well, now that I've got my shit together it's time to have some fun - I can drink and use socially just like everyone else!" And for a while, I could - until I couldn't.
Of course, I inevitably ended up back where I'd started - a neverending cycle of binging, vowing to quit, quitting for a while, and falling off the wagon. I wouldn't say that the ibogaine had *no* effect, though - because I never really enjoyed substances the way I had before, and over the years I gradually lost interest in "partying" and the social abuse of substances. Eventually I quit partying for good - in the past two years, I haven't gotten drunk, nor have I touched coke / crystal / k - just like most of my raver friends, real life became challenging and fulfilling enough that the party lifestyle simply lost its appeal to me. This was helped by the fact that 3 years ago, I met an amazing woman - and though it's been bumpy at times, it's the first time I've been in a relationship that gave me more joy than I ever found from using substances / partying / sleeping around, and it just gets better and better!
Unfortunately, over the years, I had developed a nasty dependency on prescription opioids (morphine, oxy, etc); while maturity and motivation will do wonders for quitting party drugs and binge drinking, it is sadly not the case for these insidious little bastards that latch on to the pleasure centres in your brain and distort them, such that even after you make it through the acute withdrawal syndrome (something I succeeded at a number of times), you still have to deal with the endless PAWS - think of PAWS like a low-grade depression, with the primary symptom being an inability to experience pleasure. It makes me sad to think about all the wonderful adventures I have had in my career, in travel, and in love, where I knew I *should* be filled with joy, but I just wasn't. 2 years ago I very foolishly went on Suboxone maintenance - life was great for a while, until the subs destroyed my sex life, made me gain a bunch of weight, and eventually turned me into a fuzzy-headed, emotionally reactive "crybaby" (my theory is that I was suffering from low testosterone, as is common when potent long-acting opioids are used for a period of time). Last summer, I kicked the subs with the help of a kratom taper and moved in with my lady. After a few weeks of feeling pretty good though, the anhedonia returned in the fall - and despite a life that should have been blissful (a wonderful woman, an exciting new career opportunity, and an exotic vacation adventure), I felt flat, dead, lifeless - far worse than I ever had in the days before Suboxone.
I hung in there till January, but finally reached my limit for living life in muted tones of gray - and so for the past few months, I have been using opioids (mostly kratom, occasional pills) - with the result that I can once again experience pleasure from life - but at the cost of my sex drive, and a reduction in my ability to focus on complex intellectual material that is slowly getting worse. Plus I'm broke - Kratom is EXPENSIVE once you develop a tolerance - and it is incredibly frustrating to work long hours, earning a good 6 figure income, while repeatedly ending up in the situation of searching under sofa cushions for enough nickels and dimes to get a coffee on the way to work!
And so, I will once more put my trust in the healing spirit of Iboga - but this time I know that ibogaine will be only a beginning, a clean slate, a chance to build the life I want to have, and that I *can* have. I am incredibly fortunate and blessed to be gifted with technical skills, as it has allowed me to build a remarkably successful career from absolutely nothing, over the past 8 years. Once free from the financial and cerebral chains of addiction, I will be able to truly enjoy the fruits of my labor - I earn enough money that I will be able to simultaneously pay off my debts, live a rather nice lifestyle, and save for the future. I definitely have some work to do in this area - probably because my young adulthood revolved around drugs and alcohol, I never developed the habits of saving and budgeting that are second nature to most people. And I am no longer so naive as to think these habits will develop themselves - the year that I was on Suboxone, my financial situation nearly as bad as when I was using. However, with my clarity of thought restored - and the ability to experience simple pleasures to a greater degree - I believe that I will be able to create new habits for myself and create a degree of stability in my life. I deserve it, and my partner deserves it. I want nothing more than to marry her and spend the rest of our lives together, to have children, and to raise them with love, with acceptance, and with wisdom.
The ibogaine arrives next week - it is en-route from South Africa by courier; thankfully here in Canada, ibogaine is legal to import, to buy, sell, and use. I am familiar with dosing protocols and precautions for the type of chemical dependency I will be treating - so I am fairly confident that by sometime next weekend, I will be fully detoxed from opioids, without significant withdrawal. They say that the days and weeks after ibogaine are a critical time; ibogaine's active metabolite, noribogaine, hangs around in the body for up to 3 weeks, and it has the remarkable effect of increasing GDNF levels in the brain by 12x. GDNF is a molecule that signals to neurons that they should sprout new connections, repair damage - and perhaps, divide, and give birth to brand new brain cells. This process, known as neuroplasticity, is something that all human brains are capable of, with or without ibogaine - it is why there have always been success stories of long term, hardcore addicts and alcoholics, some with symptoms of brain damage, who got clean, stayed clean, and gradually repaired their brains through therapy and hard work. It is a long and arduous process; and for that reason, relapse is almost inevitable in substance abusers who quit cold turkey.
It is said that after ibogaine, it is possible to accomplish the rebuilding process described above, in a far shorter period of time, and therefore with a greater likelihood of success, because the patient will experience relief of the crushing anhedonia of PAWS before it drives them to relapse - if they even experience PAWS at all. But to make this happen, the ibogaine patient must have a plan for what they will do for the month or so following the treatment; it is necessary to immerse oneself in activities that facilitate the rewiring process, such as certain forms of therapy, meditation, art, music, sports, education, ...
Your suggestions and ideas are most welcome. I am lucky to have this second chance at a cure, and wise enough to know that it is not going to be easy - and that I must *listen* to the wisdom of others who have been there, who know people who have been there, and / or who know more about the brain than I do. And these describe the Bluelight community very well
Until next time (yes, I will certainly report on the actual trip as well),
Light Of Iboga
*DEAR MODS: I was "lightofiboga" when I posted the original report, however I cannot retrieve my password as I have no idea what email I used to create that account. I don't care about the username - but I would be very grateful if one of the mods could reopen / unarchive that thread and merge this into it - because everything I have written above is very relevant to the discussion in the original thread about how to stay clean long term after an ibogaine detox! Thanks :D
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