day 11 for me!! 4 days off Suboxone. don't feel too horrible, but I have been taking mushrooms.
I know some people say "oh psychedelics and withdrawals, hahaha you're so dumb, good luck with that bad trip you're about to have!!" but I've actually found the complete opposite to be true. last night was incredibly healing for me. it was my best and most spiritual trip by far. like it was crazy, I could see things -- EVERYTHING -- for exactly what it was. I saw how a mushroom trip is like a metaphor for life, you get caught in a loop sometimes and it's your own responsibility to get yourself out. I could see all the fake fronts people put on, I could tell when people were lying and making up stories to seem impressive or "cool", and I could tell when they were being genuine. At one point two of my friends were talking shit about my heroin addiction but using the metaphor of "oh we all have that one uncle that can't get their life together haha" and normally I would feel ashamed or guilty or something, but I knew EXACTLY what they were talking about and the mushrooms made me see things so clearly that I was NOT having it. I just straight up said, "Look you don't have to tiptoe around the issue. I'm a heroin addict. Shit happens, you both have your problems too. At least I'm doing something about mine. If you have something to say about the way I've lived my life, say it. I'm sitting RIGHT HERE." But it wasn't all being said in a mean way. It all had this undertone of unconditional love. Like, even though they were talking shit about my addiction, they would keep circling around to saying "oh but we love that uncle, and we just want them to be happy, and I really hope they leave behind a novel about their life cuz I bet they have some great stories to tell"... and when I said what I said it was more like I meant it in a way like, "I love you guys, I won't hate you if you have a problem with my addiction because I know I've hurt you both because of it, you can be honest with me without any judgement". you know? I just felt so much unconditional love going around and it was beautiful.
BUT I'm glad I did say it because even though it came out way harsher than I intended, I did feel the firmness was necessary. The people in my life need to know that I'm not going to put up with that kind of stuff any more. I'm not going to keep my addiction in the dark anymore. "When you shed light on the dark..." and all that. So it was actually a hugely profound moment for me, because a.) I am normally too ashamed to admit my addiction problems so openly and freely like that. And b.) something about owning my own truth and not being ashamed of where I've come from and who I am gave me a whole new level of respect for myself. And it made them respect me too, I could see it in their eyes. It's kind of a long story, but the friend I was doing them with is someone I knew from back in the day and even tho we were best friends, we also had a lot of bad blood and the friendship didn't end well. We recently reconnected, but never really talked through our issues, and while I've forgiven it all I could tell that she's been holding on to some of that old resentment. Last night completely melted all that away. I heard her talking to my brother about me while i was in the other room and they were both saying things like, "Dude, I didn't even know your sister could be this awesome!!" "I love her like this!!" "What happened to my sister?!"
I was like umm getting clean happened? lol. idk. It was just really cool to know that I've changed to a point that the people I care about most are noticing it too. It made me feel really good and now that girl and I are back to our best friends status, which is nice. I've always loved her, despite our differences, and I've known her a long time so it always bugged me that things left off so badly with us.
I'm just so happy I got clean and that my relationships with others are starting to heal. I have a long way to go, and a lot of amends to make, but I'm making real progress