The dark days of another lost soul...

[indicameds]

If you are gonna read this, I simply ask you give it the respect of reading it fully to the end. It is a true story of a recently lost friend. And this in my attempt to place into words the damage it has left in its wake and the deep words of his 13 year old sister at the funeral. Thanks in advance for allowing me to get this off my chest. And giving me a place to do so. If this is the wrong part of the forums mods please feel free to move it and sorry ahead of time.


The current scene in louisville the city I love and have called home to almost 30 years is getting grim. On one hand the scene is wildly alive and in its younger vibrant years of good times, cheap prices and potent poisons. But the troubles that come with it completely over ride any joy that can come from a junkies paradise.

After 15 years of being in the scene as a lone wolf the loss of friends was non existent. But with the sudden wave that has hit the east coast in the last few years it is leaving behind a deadly trail of tears, sorrow and missery. Ive always known loss to be a part of this life style I decided to partake in at such a young age and commit myself to fully. But it has always happened far enough away to were my heart never grew cold with the saddness it does these days just as often as common hunger and the need for sleep. It is now a part of every day life.

I recently lost several close friends to dope. And with each passing one it is getting harder and harder to just accept that ignorant choices and the failure to act responsibly is to blame. I refuse to by into the addiction/disease kool aid N/A tries to fource down everyones throat as the rape and pillage dope sick people for every last cent the have for there so called recovery.

But this is the part of this post that has brought me to the thoughts of the night, the dark place Im in and the reasoning behind this post.

A 13 year old little girl is the younger sister to one of my best friends growing up. And at his funeral just last week this is a qoute that she picked to read while giving a brief speech about her brother and her idol before he was laid into the ground.

She said,
"Dope fiends are sick people who cannot act other than they do. A rabid dog cannot choose but bite.” -
- William S. Burroughs

And this qoute came from a 13 year old girl that has just began to know what life is and yet she fully understands addiction better than most people twice her age and while she spoke with tears running down her cheeks. I for the first time in my entire life said a silent prayer and prayed that if there is for some odd chance a god up there, that for the sake of his sister that his soul is saved and makes its way to heaven so that one day she can have a chance to see him again, because a young women with a mind and heart like her at her age will find no other place after life but heaven if there happend to ever be such a place. One can only hope such thoughts in such tragic times.

Im against organized religion, and religion of all sorts. Dont believe in spiritual awakenings, the holy ghost, god, creationism or any of the above. But at times like this. I am completely lost. I have now clue were to go from here. Im not suicidal. Im just empty. I lost all hope for life, humanity and myself. I just wish i could crawl into a hole in a dark place and be brough rations of food to live out my remaining days with the time to reflect on what I could of done to save that little girls brother. To save one of my closes friends. To at the least try to instill some knowledge from my prior years of street worn concrete city block poverty earned intelligence.

I know my spelling is off. some run on sentences and other errors. But im just not in the right state of mind to go back and correct it right now. I just needed to vent. Thanks to anyone taking the time to read my thoughts and any replies of any sort are welcomed during these dark dark days.

 

[Tacoma]

nsaman really u think this would be a good time to ask? How insensitive. And by the way u can't ask that on here anyway.

 

[trutexan]

i have lost many dear friends to dope.just keep going,only you can choose what road you take.i always said i would not live to see 30.i am 57 now and glad i am still here,still an addict but i have learned self control.so just hang on .

 

[Colonel Contin]

replies of any sort are welcomed during these dark dark days.

<quote snip>

^ Somehow I don't think this is what you had in mind.

Anyhow, I am truly sorry for your loss. I've had to witness too many of my friends spiral out of control with their drug use and lose their lives to overdose. It never gets easier. And you're right, people who are unfamiliar with drug addiction hide behind judgement as a way of numbing themselves to such events. The truth is, some of the kindest, most compassionate, deep-feeling people I have met have coping problems that result in heavy addictions. They lose control of those addictions when they are hurting the worst, and it usually doesn't end well. Sometimes I've been able to see it coming... makes it difficult to sleep at night.

It's refreshing to hear that his sister seems to have taken a mature perspective on her loss. Burroughs seems a little sexually explicit for a 13 year old, but he was no stranger to heroin addiction, and his reflections are often no less than brilliant (his reverent diatribe on cats, The Cat Inside, is one of the most endearing things I've ever read). That quote might be a little dehumanizing, but so is addiction I suppose. I guess on some level it hurts less to imagine that somebody deep in the throws of heroin abuse was already gone before they actually died (ie, "at least they aren't suffering anymore"). It's saddens me, though, to imagine that when I've been at my worst people might have just written me off as though I wasn't even 'in there anymore'. I can't allow myself to believe that's the case.

I find it mildly ironic that you scorn NA and at the same time you have found yourself turning to a higher power for comfort in a time of sadness. Maybe NA isn't all bad. There is A LOT of profit being raked off the backs of addicts in this country, agreed, but I think big pharma and the drug-treatment enterprise are more likely the guilty parties. Regardless, It's amazing what the death of a loved one can stir in somebody; sometimes you wind up surprising yourself.

But you're right, addiction isn't 'black and white' and can't be explained away easily. It's not as simple as a series of "ignorant choices and the failure to act responsibly" leading somebody down a dark path. On the other hand, I don't believe that addiction turns people into 'rabid dogs' that have absolutely no control over their fate and are beyond redemption. There is room for some middle ground there. I believe that anybody can be saved if they want to be so long as the proper support is available. The people on this forum are proof that there is hope in the struggle. Try to resist the urge to recede and bury yourself in regret. It may be too late for your friend, but you can honor his memory by reaching out to 'instill some [of your] knowledge' in others that are suffering. Try and keep your head up and your hand extended.

 

[Zi3m]

I am very sorry for your loss brother, just know you are not alone. I feel this pain for the first time today. A close cousin of mine died from heroin OD this morning. Before now, like you, I'd only heard these stories through the grapevine of people i didn't know very well. Now opiates are infiltrating my life as well as friends and family more than ever and I've never been more afraid. What can we do? Life is not fucking fair.

 

[indicameds]

^ Somehow I don't think this is what you had in mind.

Anyhow, I am truly sorry for your loss. I've had to witness too many of my friends spiral out of control with their drug use and lose their lives to overdose. It never gets easier. And you're right, people who are unfamiliar with drug addiction hide behind judgement as a way of numbing themselves to such events. The truth is, some of the kindest, most compassionate, deep-feeling people I have met have coping problems that result in heavy addictions. They lose control of those addictions when they are hurting the worst, and it usually doesn't end well. Sometimes I've been able to see it coming... makes it difficult to sleep at night.

It's refreshing to hear that his sister seems to have taken a mature perspective on her loss. Burroughs seems a little sexually explicit for a 13 year old, but he was no stranger to heroin addiction, and his reflections are often no less than brilliant (his reverent diatribe on cats, The Cat Inside, is one of the most endearing things I've ever read). That quote might be a little dehumanizing, but so is addiction I suppose. I guess on some level it hurts less to imagine that somebody deep in the throws of heroin abuse was already gone before they actually died (ie, "at least they aren't suffering anymore"). It's saddens me, though, to imagine that when I've been at my worst people might have just written me off as though I wasn't even 'in there anymore'. I can't allow myself to believe that's the case.

I find in mildly ironic that you scorn NA and at the same time you have found yourself turning to a higher power for comfort in a time of sadness. Maybe NA isn't all bad. There is A LOT of profit being raked off the backs of addicts in this country, agreed, but I think big pharma and the drug-treatment enterprise are more likely the guilty parties. Regardless, It's amazing what the death of a loved one can stir in somebody; sometimes you wind up surprising yourself.

But you're right, addiction isn't 'black and white' and can't be explained away easily. It's not as simple as a series of "ignorant choices and the failure to act responsibly" leading somebody down a dark path. On the other hand, I don't believe that addiction turns people into 'rabid dogs' that have absolutely no control over their fate and are beyond redemption. There is room for some middle ground there. I believe that anybody can be saved if they want to be so long as the proper support is available. The people on this forum are proof that there is hope in the struggle. Try to resist the urge to recede and bury yourself in regret. It may be too late for your friend, but you can honor his memory by reaching out to 'instill some [of your] knowledge' in others that are suffering. Try and keep your head up and your hand extended.

Thank you for your well thought out and written response. I appreciate such intelligent, caring and supportive words as you've left for me. Thank you. Im doing much better today, I was kinda stuck in a loop of my own horrible thoughts that night after a long day and a long week of missery following the funeral and helping the family clean out his apartment with his room mate and just odds and ends that has to be done when a life is lost. It just hit so close this time it really forced me to take a look at what is and has been my life and the ones around me for the past 14-15 years now. And it saddens me that it can all come to such a drastic and sad end in the blink of an eye. Just like his little sister I read alot of burrows and other drug riddled novels and authors and find myself romanticizing the addictions and use alot of the times and seem to forget that it is still REAL life and death is right around the corner at all times.

And @Zi3m
I am sorry for your loss, I thank you for the kind words also. We just gotta keep our chins up and keep going for the ones that love us. Because i know myself am no where close to sober. So i have to remember to keep the safety and responsibility I get so angered about that my close friends seemed to let slip out of view right before the hand of death grabbed him. because I know how I feel right now and I do not wise this on the ones that love me for one second. Take care, be safe and thanks everyone.

Well except nsaman up there. Someone needs to ban dude. He did the same thing in a scene thread the other day. 2 post and both asking for drugs.

 

[Voyager3]

Indica, I am very very sorry for your loss, and the anger, hopelessness and despair it seems to have brought you in its wake. I have lost several friends to drugs, always opiates, always accidentally, stupidly, inexplicably or pointlessly, including a darling ex-, who suffered terrible pains after breaking her back in a bike accident, and just 'slipped away' on night, after oding on prescription pills. All I can say is (perhaps callously) I'm afraid that's the way it goes?

I watch now with a feeling of sadness and uselessness as I make new friends who areaddicted to smack, one in particular, a lovely, pretty little 'spare change junkie', who I can't help getting fond of, but just dread what might, and probably will happen to her. She doesn't want my help (other than money), and I don't want a blowjob thanks... young enough to be my daughter, though it isn't my noble, decent, gentlemanly side that treats her with respect, and cares... I just don't want to see another on fall by the wayside. And maybe even worse are good friends and ex-lovers, who are to all intents and purposes 'lost' even though they may still be alive - but in another, ghastly world. Sorry to 'hijack' your thread with my stories - I only hope it might make you appreciate you are not alone, and London can be just as bad as Louisville or whatever.


One thing which does give me comfort, and I can honestly assure you of, is that death is not the end of existence, of that I am sure. I am a psychic medium, though I follow no organised religion, they are all pointless IMHO. I did however try to kill myself several years ago, and during a brief OOBE, had a very quick glimpse of what is to come.... a 'one way trip' to a lovely place - which I was sent back from by a dutiful, 'celestial bouncer'.... codeine dose too low! Please don't depair, these popeple haven't 'gone' just changed state - and in time, you will see them again, I promise you! No 'faith' or 'belief' required, its the way of the World, and the Next World!