Daly, you have 'come to the end of your tether' - a condition I know well, and of course you are not the first nor the last! Try to break out of the dark, dismal whirlpool you are apparently stuck in, with this thought, if possible. You have not always been like this, you have been happy I'm sure, and you can be again. Try to remember some 'peak' moments, before it all went wrong, just to remind yourself it is possible... and it will be again. That might just take the edge off your mood, as depression feeds on itself like a ghastly, vicious circle, and it is possible to break out, you have to believe that!
I myself attempted suicide very seriously only four years ago, being very 'sensible', logical and practical and deciding it was the only way out - I didn't really want to die, it just seemed there was no other way to avoid a hellish decline into a foul, desperate state I wantted to avoid. I took a few weeks preparing for it, writing sheaves of notes explaining to all my loved ones and friends that it was not their fault, and this was my decision and mine alone... blah.... blah... basically what I considered would do no harm to anyone I left behind. Even funeral address, music to be played... everything. And off I went one quiet dawn, and took a massive overdose of codeine, whiskey and a huge IV Librium injection to finish the job, once plastic bag and band were over my head....
All wnt wrong (needless to say), woke up freezing cold some six/seven hours later... and then the crap really began! DEspite all preparations, safeguards, notes, arrangements etc etc, all I got was a tirade of abuse about my 'selfishness', lost my girlfriend, lost several good friends permanantly, chucked out of the house, and grimmest of all, almost got banged up in the local loony bin... er, I mean 'Psychiatric Care Facility', which makes Prisoner Cell Block H look like a holiday camp. No help from anyone, treated universally with disgust, revelsion and even mockery... all that I could live with, f**k them! Isaid... but the people that really cared and mattered were terribly hurt and upset, filled with remorse at me, feeling sorry for themselves, the selfish bastards! Whatever you do, don't do it, should you survive, you'll never hear the bloody end of it, for you are now officially selfish, thoughtless, unreliable, cruel, uncaring, reckless, irresponsible, untrustworthy, stupid, mean, and (if you fail) clumsy, useless and disorganised. Nobody will read the notes, and only moan that you didn't even leave enough for a funeral!
So I sank into the depths of depression, and slowly learned how to live again.... but that's another dismal story! I'm glad I failed, but sorry I tried - "It seemed like a good idea at the time" I suppose. Please put the guns away, had I been armed it would have been different. The will be another, better way, just hang in there (hmmm... perhaps not the best expression, but...), and something WILL turn up, it has to in time. Be patient... and the very, very best of luck!
