• TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT

TDS Megamerged TDS Psychosis Thread vs. it's all going to be alright

I agree with motiv except the pistol part. See if she really wants to get meth, she can find it without the toothless neighbor. If I had a friend who was that far gone on drugs, I would urge her to get help for her problem. What happened to the offer to take the kids for the weekend?
 
I am going to side with the kids. I am sorry for your friend but at what point does a parent lose the right to be in charge of their children's lives? I would say that someone that is delusional, especially speed-delusional (paranoid of everything and everyone) that has a gun in the house to boot would fit in that category in my mind. What if no one lifts a finger to help those kids and something terrible happens (and from your account it already is terrible, so up to that to tragic)? personally, I could live with my friend hating me over watching her kids suffer their mother's madness day in and day out. They are already going to suffer psychologically one way or another but it's a matter of their physical safety at this point.

We do not have some divine right to our offspring. It's both a biological and a societal directive that a parent care for their children. When "care" turns into neglect or abuse other caring adults have to intervene.

I had a friend like your friend. She was a wonderful and vibrant person once upon a time. She was burglarizing houses (starting with all her friends) and living with her two young daughters in her car before their biological Dad finally came back to town and stepped in. The girls are grown now and dealing with the scars but they are certainly grateful that someone got them out of there. My friend never did recover from any of her addictions (coke, meth and the list goes on). She lives on the streets in another city. I still have hope for her but, like many addicted mothers, I know the guilt from putting her kids in harm's way has a way of keeping her using. I wish we would build and staff rehab housing for mothers with children rather than prisons and group homes.

I take it there no father in the picture? What about grandparents or aunts or uncles? No matter who the kids go to, you should stay connected with them in case those situations are not good either. Is there any chance at all that you could take them in as foster kids yourself?
 
Trying to make long story short, but have to begin somewhere. ( English is not my first language, so try to bear with some possible mistakes )
I hope people will not comment on the doses I've taken or how frequently I've took them, yes I know I've been stupid and irresponsible person.

Background:
Male, 24 years old. Used drugs since teenager, but not "hard drugs" since things got a bit out of hand about year and half ago.
Always been a "party animal", but beers and booze did not cause this.

Now for the story...
I got supply of acid (LSD) about year ago ( Last June ) to be exact. I would drop acid in spawn of 3 months over 20x times. I used massive doses so I could binge for 2-3 days in row. I would start off with 150ug and the next day I would triple the dose trying to achieve the same effect. Every session was coupled with heavy weed smoking to "boost" the effect.

These were not some mild, peace & love trips, most of those "trips" felt more like epileptic seizures and I was sometimes just twitching on the floor seeing bright lights one step away from my mouth foaming. I did my last dose of LSD last november after a very traumatic experience on this drug ( Do not want to go too much into details, but friend of mine was beaten and held gun-point, all the while we were tripping hard on acid )

After this incident my drug use got bit out of hand and I generally had little no none respect for my body. I was boozing, using meth & amphetamines, chain-smoking and popping pills ( Mostly benzos for my hangover ).

From November on I got a supply of MDMA krystal and ecstasy tabs. I would drop these almost every weekend for the next 2-3 months.
I used doses that were undoubtedly neurotoxic, since my usual dose per evening was 0,6grams of pure MDMA, but me and my friend went few times over 1,0-1,2grams. ( Again, there is nothing glamorous about this, those doses mean that you are hot as a hare and you have to spend time in a cold shower, that is, if you do not end up in hospital before that ) I also used amphetamine/meth during my MDMA/Ecstasy sessions, almost always. Also coupled with heavy weed smoking.

I started to get a bit worried since I started having really bad hallucinations when coming off from MDMA. ( This was always coupled with weed smoking )
During the comedown, the hallucinations were so vivid and real, but they were delirious. I could even touch these hallucinations and even converse with some of them, but at the same time I was aware that there is no possibility that these things could be real ) Generally they made no sense. I was also heavily sleep and food deprived when experiencing most of them.

This was the turning point for me personally and quit doing MDMA, meth, amphetamine somewhere in february for the sake of my mental health.
This was around February, I believe.
After being sober for few weeks, I decided to smoke some weed. Oh boy that was a mistake:
I do not know how, or why, but cannabis triggered total "walls melting" syndrome for me. I know that THC is mild psychedelic, but everything was "living" and "melting" as If I just had dropped some moderate dose of acid. I could not even read book since the letters were melting into each other as if you are on LSD.
This had never happened before from weed smoking alone, and bear in mind that my last dose of acid had been in November.

I really didn't got that scared about this new effect and even actually continued smoking, but 3rd of March I quit all drugs. Literally all drugs.
I've been sober since 3rd of March, 2015. No coffee, no cigarettes, no alcohol, no weed, no stimulants. Nothing. Only food and water.

The thing I am a bit worried about: the walls are still melting. I'm not joking. During the first week of my "withdrawal" from all of these substances, things were really bad, I couldn't even look to the ground/grass without the ground literally melting and swimming before my eyes. Those who have done acid probably know what I am talking about.

Yesterday I was visiting my parents for example, they have tapestry with lot of imagery and symbols. The thing is: the tapestry is still alive for me. It's as if im on acid. It's "bubbling" and "melting" and making new patterns all the time. Even when I am not properly looking at things like these.

I'm not that bothered about these things, I know that I probably fried my brain with acid & mdma. But I would be interested what exactly does cause these things? Serotonin? Dopamin? etc. What is the chemistry behind these things? I've always thought that acid flashbacks are a myth but after being 7 weeks clear of any drugs and stimulants I still have this thing going on. Do I have brain damage and has anyone gone through anything similar?
I would really like to know what in the heck is going on with my vision :?

Mentally, I am more or less ok at this point and routinely working at my job as any other member of society, but these visual disturbances do bother me since they do not seem to go away. Has anyone experienced anything even remotely similar?
 
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Most people find that they go away with time and regained physical health. Make sure that you are covering all the basics--good nutrition, good sleep and aerobic exercise of some kind. Consider a good quality (no mercury) fish oil supplement. Practicing meditation can do wonders--especially for lessening the anxiety that your thoughts bring to the lingering visuals (Will this last forever? Have I totally changed my brain? etc). Try to simply observe the visuals as they happen and concentrate on breathing. Over time, they should diminish. I have some HPPD left from over forty years ago but TBH, it is so infrequent and minor that if anything, I enjoy it when it happens.;)
 
Ok so in the past in this forum I have written about suffering with psychosis. This initial cannabis induced episode happened less than a year ago. Since then, my long term partner and I don't speak due to me wanting her back (which I haven't been coping with well) and various other things have happened. Basically, I went away and the day that I was flying and the same time, a very serious plane crash happened (Germanwings) in odd circumstances. OK, I was freaked out about it but soon kind of forgot about it. Started getting into a routine, doing exercise psychosis was getting better, feeling more positive etc. then one day I was feeling so so good from exercise.

That day, I really had my 'mojo' back in the first time in months since the initial onset of psychosis. Later that day, I got into a very serious car crash. I was fine, had tests at the hospital etc. but it could have been awful. My mum mentioned wearing a seatbelt and I'm so glad I did (that day too!) otherwise I wouldn't be here now. I have fractured my sternum and the other guy in the crash is in a critical condition. I think it's important to note I was literally in the wrong place at the wrong time and this was no fault of mine. This happened a few days ago and I am still shook up about it. I am 23 and have been driving for 6 years and have never been involved in a crash like this before. I would like to travel but am really scared now.

Well anyway, basically I feel like there is some higher force trying to 'get me' - I know this is typical of psychosis but at the same time I'm asking for your input on weather you think these events are significant and what help I should try. I'm now living in fear - I used to be quite care-free but I'm really scared something bad is going to happen just around the corner and it's affecting me a lot. I'm not quite sure what to do. I am trying to stay positive but it's difficult. I have smoked one puff since my episode and it sent me ill again (that was in Dec) haven't touched any drugs since.

Thank you so much :)
 
I think it is very positive that you recognize your paranoia (that it is some higher power that has it in for you) for what it is. It is completely natural after trauma for the brain to seek a way out of fear and usually this takes the form of thoughts that center around control. When you have been in an uncontrollable trauma (like a car crash) it can bring up all the discomfort that we humans have with accepting our own lack of control. Even envisioning a judgmental god that has it in for you is a way of ordering the disorder of experience if you see what I mean. Trust your better judgment and give yourself time to heal from the inevitable PTSD from such an experience. I was in a very minor crash recently and even that threw me off kilter for quite a while.

Glad you are OK!
 
There are no such thing as coincidences and you know this :)

I guess that depends on your definition.

Clear there is cause and effect. the butterfly flapping it's wings etc. etc. and there are those who believe in some kind of entity or 'God' taking an active role in the minutia of our daily lives, I'm not in that camp.

Regardless I have personally found dwelling on things and their possible connections and meaning to be distracting, disturbing, damaging and ultimately pointless.

Also be careful not to fall into the trap of worrying about these thoughts in themselves, just let them be and let them pass.

Glad to hear your OK after your car crash, it just shows how we should all endeavour to live for the moment <3
 
There are no such thing as coincidences and you know this :)


I have to start here, because this is true. I don't want to start comparing our situations, but suffice to say, even in the most negative of times, I hold this as dogma. Carl Jung was right. Synchronicity is legitimate.

This does not mean that you are meant to die, however, and I suggest you take a deep breath and feel the deep realization that you are not meant to die. In fact, you are meant to live. You mother, you said, warned you that day to wear your seatbelt, and it saved your life. While we cannot know the games played by the gods or the mathematical dilemmas that govern our fates, it is pretty easy to see the net outcome of the spirit realm, because it culminates here my friend, and you are still alive :)

My honest suggestion: ask. Ask yourself why it seems something may be out to get you. Youll get many answers, trust your gut. Find the right answer. Then come back here if you dont like it. Connect with people. You will find your way out of your dilemma.
 
Thank you for your words herbavore. Yes clean, healthy living with moderate exercise I am already doing and I have been a good boy and taking my fish oils!
I still like to update my situation a bit:

I've had to stop my current job of 3 years for some time period after visiting my company's occupational health physician (whatever this is called in your locality)
He directed me towards drug psychiatry clinic for a stress-related vacation and I will visit them next week. I will not accept any drugs or anything, I will not put anything expect water and food in my system, this is what I have decided firmly.

My family insisted to go there because I've never searched any help for my drug use that has been going on for years, even though I've been sober since 3rd of March.
I ended up in pretty psychotic episode few days ago trashing my (own) house breaking furniture, but I would never do harm to any living person or thing, this I am certain for I've never had violent tendencies.

I personally feel my problems are serotonin and dopamine-related and stress makes them worse. I've depleted my serotonin through irresponsible LSD use and MDMA was the last thing I should have done. One of my old junkie friends who ended up even suicidal from MDMA addiction ( He was popping pills absolutely huge amounts in short time frame ) gave me advice few days before I quit all my drug use that his MDMA withdrawals or the "blues" started months after quitting it. Those words still echo in my head because I certainly feel that is happening right now to me.

I've never been this emotional wreck to a point that I've had to even stop going to work, even during my heaviest drug use of amphetamine when I was physically very ill, I was still able to go to work. I have very high work moral since I've been working since 18 years old ( Even during xanax withdrawal ) and I am saddened to finally admit to myself that I cannot cope with work anymore. This is coming from a person who in 2 years has only once called in sick for work.

HPPD is worse when I am clearly having these "psychotic" episodes, the visuals are very heavy during this time and my pupils are dilated as if I am on some drugs. I've been 8 weeks now sober and this is still happening: my pupils dilate and I see clearly visuals, this dilation was even observed by my family member. Stress causes this. My heartbeat of last few days has been absolutely sky high.

The thing is, I am in withdrawal from so many substances, that I have no idea what is causing this. I wish good luck for everyone who are going through anything similar.
This is starting to feel the most difficult task of my life, the last time I was this depressed and broken was when I went through almost 9 months of xanax withdrawal when I was 18. I should have learned better.
 
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I believe I can clarify some of the issues you are going through.

I am asking you to relax. You need to regain self esteem and find enjoyment with some sort of project or recreation. You must sleep more and eat proper food. Educate yourself on fitness and nutrition. Also take a look at Cyclothymia, you`ve mentioned above symptoms that just match up with this mood disorder

Some backround information about me: I am 22 Years Old and have extensive experience with LSD/ MDMA/xtc & Mush/Ketamine. Obviously I've tried many others such as Hydro Morphine, Cocaine, Salvia. I've smoked my fair share of weed and I cant say no to beer.

From my experience, psychedelic use was most enjoyed during my beginner years. I had almost no anxiety/depression during my lsd use. After the trip I felt refreshed and couldn't wait until I would do it again.

With xtc the first phase was all about finding the perfect dose and friends to roll with. Took me a few months to get a solid dose down ( ended up being 2 pills for a night). During those months I mixed xtc with alcohol and smoked lots of weed during my rolls. I skipped class and made an ass outta myself at home. When mixing xtc with alcohol the initial onset would feel great, the following day was always followed by a depressive episode lasting the day or even up to a week. Once I understood xtc was quite dangerous in terms of mental health affection I decided to only do it alone. Mixing it with weed doesnt count. Unless weed is making you paranoid.

I learned to stop taking xtc and MDMA all together. It has too much potential to trigger depressive episodes. The high is great but the come down and lasting effects are too influential. A Lot of this had to do with xtc. XTC at times was composed of bzps and other dangerous substances. MDMA was enjoyable for a few years after i dropped xtc but it was a rare occasion. MDMA triggered depressive episodes as well, but I could usually handle the come down, its just i would always be thinking of negatives things.

From what I've read from you posts I'd like to point out the obvious. You've spent such a long time getting fucked up.

I'm concerned about your reaction with weed. You should try to enjoy pot and take the edge off with it. You've just spent too much time on drugs that it's changed the pattern of your thinking.

You will get better and your first step should be to stop worrying.

Your vision may be alarming but it will go away as fast as it appeared.

Focus on your life and save money, don't worry about your drug use and how it may be affecting you to live a good life.

The reason i recommend pot is because i used to get bad panic attacks from it when I was taking LSD and others. I kept smoking weed though and going through the bad trips. Eventually I decided to just relax when I was stoned. I realized I wasn't happy about alot of things in my life that I didn't actually realize. When I was stoned these thoughts would just pour out at me and I would get panic attacks. I learned to listen and now when I smoke weed i reflect on my life and just enjoy the day.

I learned to use pot as a tool of self reflection/ to seduce myself (for lack of a better word). It really doesn't have any negative effects. I would drink but it's got too many negative effects, and believe me, drinking is easier in terms of enjoying the experience. Maybe you should consider using pot. It will help you sleep and you can deal with your anxiety with it.

You mentioned you've been sober since the 3rd of March? You need to gain some self esteem and work towards a goal. Your fits of rage, feelings of high and lows, constant worrying, also you said you haven't been working. You should educate yourself on cyclothymia. It`s a condition like bipolar but its not as intense. Consider this thought. Maybe your drug use gave you some big highs. Now maybe your lack of drug use is giving you some big lows. Maybe your mind is adjusting and taking sometime to adapt and you are experiencing highs and lows, or possibly just lows atm.

So what i`ve got for you based on my own opinions based on what you`ve provided is: Relax. Go to the gym. Make music or do a creative task. Be social with people. rebuild your thinking for the next month. Make the biggest effort you can to work towards a goal that in a sense could give you a feeling of success. But don't use drugs in the process. Your condition could be medicated with mood stabilizer drugs. I wouldn't be surprised if you got some quetiapine (its to treat schizophrenia & bipolar, also used as a sleep aid & other off label disorders). You mentioned you believe your serotonin and dopamine receptors are to blame. Well quetiapine acts on thoughs receptors. I do not like medication like that myself.
 
Thanks for your words afroberry. Yes you hit right with your guess on the quetiapine, I already knew what this medicine is, since some of my friends have been treated with it and I am familiar with the effects ( I have not tried it myself )
My doctor prescribed quetiapine today and I agreed to try them, but I have no intention to actually use or even try them, since I personally think any drug effecting my serotonin and brain chemistry will make the situation much worse. So from now on I basically say to my doc that I have been taking it so I can continue other options and continue with the 'propgram'

Even though using cannabis might be a tempting choice, I would like to say that I have no 'moderation' in my smoking. I'm ex-grower myself and one spliff before bed simply won't do it for me. When I smoked, I used to smoke copious amounts. I'm talking 4-5grams a day. If I didn't have bud, I would smoke lesser amounts of pollen or my own made hash. Last time I could smoke a joint and call it a day was probably when I was 17. Smoking weed doesn't actually make me reflect on my problems, I actually feel very inebriated and just don't think of anything and I don't like it because it makes me feel contempt and fine just sitting on my ass all day.

I wish best for you and take your words on the relaxation part, but I will try to relax without drugs first time in my life. I already do have some projects going on (music) and my band has a semi-international gig on October so there is something to look up to and I hope I will be better for the event. Today has been a good day so far and I certainly feel much more confident than I have felt in a while. Cheers.
 
Yea man don't focus on negative shit, you will be prone to emotional hard times but with my advice you can learn to ignore these episodes. I have been prescribed the same medication as you. I myself refuse to take it at the moment mainly because I believe my diagnosis should take more than 20minutes with a person I have never met. The paradox here is that I've taken drugs from drug dealers and I have only known for like 20 minutes at a time ahahaha.

Consider taking the drug at some point to see how it affects you. If you plan to take it make sure you give yourself 10hours of sleep and 2 hours to get ready the next day. This is because this drug can make it impossible to get outta bed sometimes. Honestly it probably would help you out but I believe you can do this on your own.

Now you stated that you cannot enjoy smoking weed because of how much you must smoke to satisfy yourself. My opinion is that you should listen to yourself and like you said. enjoy life sober.

I want to help you with your symptoms though so if you end up feeling good again I don't you to fall back to old habits.

Get a gym membership and go 3-4 times a week for 45mins at a time. Work out how you like to but I suggest picking two muscle groups and then get the fuck outta there.

Work on your music, if you can make it your main focus. If your having a hard time being creative remember that working out at the gym should bring this energy back naturally.

Don't skip meals and just drink water.

Avoid pop/energy drinks 100% and limit your coffee intake.

You need extra sleep and can't afford late nights.

Follow that advice ( I'm really just asking you to get your body and mind active again ) and give your body tons on water/healthy balanced meals and your symptoms will go away.

Your HPPD is another story. Enjoy it man, because it will go away over time. If you want more info on it ask and I will take sometime to explain it. Its very in-depth.

If you cannot make these happen yourself you honestly should take the medication. But in my opinion you really should make the biggest effort to workout and be creative while eating healthy. With good rest its just a matter of time before you feel better.

Get back to me,

Afr0Berry
 
Some update..had some good days, some bad days. Today is a bad day. Last night full of disturbed sleep, drug-related dreams where I am using various drugs ranging from almost any drug imaginable. Woke up multiple times. Still staying sober.

Tapestry on the walls are melting, bubbling hard as ever, it is really disturbing. I feel very down and left side of my brain aches, along with my left eye. Vision of my left eye is blurred, it is as if the eye cannot concentrate on any object properly. Weird pressure kind of feel, not your regular headache. This pressure was familiar with acid/mdma comedowns and even during use. Ears are ringing very hard ( It gets louder on these days )

Afroberry, I feel hard to enjoy this HPPD because it certainly seems that during these days when I feel totally off, the HPPD is at it's worst. I don't even have it everyday or at least I cannot notice it. During the days it happens, like today, I certainly feel more sensitive to light. It reminds me of my first acid trip when I perceived light as ' vibrating beams' through my senses.

I feel really off, but I will keep going sober, since I've had some very great days going on between. I'm still at vacation and have had long forest walks for few days, they certainly feel refreshing and I feel an urge to spend lots of time in nature at the moment. Cheers for everyone.
 
Ibiza, I'm really glad to hear that you are still staying sober for now. Also that you are enjoying the forest. :) Anything that you can do to stay clear-headed now is going to make things easier as time goes on.

Have you been thoroughly checked out by a doctor? The pressure/headache makes me think that you should.

Thanks for the update.<3
 
Some update. Thank you herbavore for encouraging me to see a doctor. I was diagnosed yesterday with a chronic disease, no cures and the pain has kept me awake for few months now. At first I was naive enough to believe that drug withdrawal was causing it, but turns out it is caused by surgery mistake in my youth. My parents even sued the doctors back then, but lost the case, since the surgery was performed correctly, but the infections and complications caused the damage. 22 years later the infection has renewed itself in the wound and scar and this I found out yesterday. I was speculating the same myself, but was a bit afraid to see a doc because my drug withdrawal is going on. I,ve quit my job and my insurance pays some of the medical fees since i will probably have surgery later this year. I,m still sober, not eaven coffee or cigarettes. I only want to say that people.. BE Thankful for your health, drug addictions are mental struggles after the hardest period..and remember always THAT MIND OVER MATTER. I have no intention to resume any drug usage anymore since my physical wellbeing is in danger, I am very depressed at the moment but not because of any withdrawal. Stay strong folks I will stay too.
 
^Really sorry to hear that--and that it took that long to get it diagnosed. My husband and I are both going through health issues right now--it sucks.:( I wish you the best and hope the surgery gets it completely cleared up. It's no fun to go through surgery but at least if it can put an end to the pain it's worth it.
 
Continue to stay sober and don't use any drugs and hopefully the visuals that you see will stop. Good luck with everything and the surgery.
 
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