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Fucking novel
- Thread starter Smiley91
- Start date
Hey Smiley91,
I can't know enough about your situation to offer specific advice but I had a turbulent few years at my parents before leaving just as I turned 18, it was tough moving from a comfortable home to a room in a dirty house with a mattress on the floor but you have to start somewhere.
It was only after leaving that over time my parents began to view me as an adult, I never did get on well with my father and my mother had a terrible temper when I was younger and certainly trod the line of abuse with her beatings.
Within a few years much of he tension and long held ill feeling had gone, I didnt have to deal with them every day and they didnt have to deal with me and I lived by my rules and dealt with the consequences, moving out was the best thing I ever did.
I would encourage you to look to do so, try not to make it a walk out, do it with dignity and preserve what relationship you have, I can't promise things will be better between you but they will change
I can't know enough about your situation to offer specific advice but I had a turbulent few years at my parents before leaving just as I turned 18, it was tough moving from a comfortable home to a room in a dirty house with a mattress on the floor but you have to start somewhere.
It was only after leaving that over time my parents began to view me as an adult, I never did get on well with my father and my mother had a terrible temper when I was younger and certainly trod the line of abuse with her beatings.
Within a few years much of he tension and long held ill feeling had gone, I didnt have to deal with them every day and they didnt have to deal with me and I lived by my rules and dealt with the consequences, moving out was the best thing I ever did.
I would encourage you to look to do so, try not to make it a walk out, do it with dignity and preserve what relationship you have, I can't promise things will be better between you but they will change
Erikmen
Bluelight Crew
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When I was 18 things were quite turbulent as well. I was loaded in drugs, worked a lot and felt I could do everything.
I had moved away from my parents house to live abroad when I was 15 so I didn´t let them have enough power on me on anything.
The best thing I have done was to get a job and become independent. The rest just followed. Including my addiction(s).
I believe that later in life you will treat them as your friends and not much tension will probably cease to exist.
So try to leave a space for that as this relationship will be very important few years from now.
I had moved away from my parents house to live abroad when I was 15 so I didn´t let them have enough power on me on anything.
The best thing I have done was to get a job and become independent. The rest just followed. Including my addiction(s).
I believe that later in life you will treat them as your friends and not much tension will probably cease to exist.
So try to leave a space for that as this relationship will be very important few years from now.
MoreAlkaloidsPLZ
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Success is the best revenge. My parents were complete fuck ups. Totally junked out, selfish, neglectful, abusive etc. I bailed at the first opportunity and still bounced back and forth crashing with either of them on and off when I couldn't maintain over the years. Ultimately I found that I liked them a lot better when I didn't see them often. My father is dead now. Whatever peace I made with him is all I can do. My mom is still around and slowly drinking herself to death. (She kicked dope like 15 or 20 years ago.) She calls me once in a while drunk off her ass to tell me how proud she is and yada, yada. She lives half way across the country somewhere. IDK if I will ever see her again and honestly am not sure I care either way.
I guess my point is that it gets better. You will find a way to stand on your own and no matter what your parents or anyone else thinks you will be free then. That may go a long way towards patching old wounds. It may not. But trust me when I say this: NOTHING is more satisfying then living life on your own terms and being able to make it happen. Take advantage of any programs you can and set some goals. Find a way to stand tall and those haunting memories will no longer be obstacles. You can do it.
I guess my point is that it gets better. You will find a way to stand on your own and no matter what your parents or anyone else thinks you will be free then. That may go a long way towards patching old wounds. It may not. But trust me when I say this: NOTHING is more satisfying then living life on your own terms and being able to make it happen. Take advantage of any programs you can and set some goals. Find a way to stand tall and those haunting memories will no longer be obstacles. You can do it.
Smiley91
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- Jan 21, 2012
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Thanks for the brilliant reply.^
I was in a bad way but feeling more level headed now and ur post helped with that. I'm making peace with my mum but am now living at a friends for a while, most of the time, until im sorted.
Its tough coming to terms with the reality of life. And i dont mean being independent financially. Just the fact that the person that created me i view as a threat. Anyway im trying to stay positive...thanks MoreAlkaloidsPLZ ur post got me through a rough lonely patch. Hope life treats u well friend.
I was in a bad way but feeling more level headed now and ur post helped with that. I'm making peace with my mum but am now living at a friends for a while, most of the time, until im sorted.
Its tough coming to terms with the reality of life. And i dont mean being independent financially. Just the fact that the person that created me i view as a threat. Anyway im trying to stay positive...thanks MoreAlkaloidsPLZ ur post got me through a rough lonely patch. Hope life treats u well friend.
P.o.T.u.S
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anger will only make things worse im glad u are doing better now..accepting that life will sometimes work against u and there are bigger things at work will help keep u calm when life gets hard
Its never as bad as u think it is and nothing last forever so things will turn around..peaks and valleys
optimism and positive thinking will keep a smile on your face when life gets shitty
Its never as bad as u think it is and nothing last forever so things will turn around..peaks and valleys
optimism and positive thinking will keep a smile on your face when life gets shitty
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herbavore
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It never ceases to amaze me the damage that human beings can do to each other within that sacrosanct little system called the nuclear family. You don't get to choose, you just are born to whatever man and woman were following the script no matter how they actually understood it. Some of us get great parents, some of us get monsters and most get something in between-- earnest human beings with all their flaws. I am really sorry that you are made to feel that you are nothing but a problem. All the advice above about creating distance is the best advice. Get strong on your own without their judgments. You will probably find that you have internalized their view of you and that is now your only responsibility--to undo all the strands of those judgments in your own head. When you do that you will be able to be free of the anger that is holding you hostage. Forgiving your parents does not mean excusing their behaviors; it means you acknowledge the hurt and refuse to keep carrying it yourself.
Take care of business. Get your housing and whatever support services they offer. If you can explore your childhood in the safe environment of a counselor's office, do it. Childhood sexual abuse is a very complicated minefield--those memories are often buried so deep that they are inaccessible. On the other hand, emotional abuse can be so strong that people are susceptible to thinking it must have been something more. It will take time and a safe space to determine what really went on but it is in your best interest to do so. I wish you all the luck in the world, along with courage and faith. You are worth it. Remember that.
Take care of business. Get your housing and whatever support services they offer. If you can explore your childhood in the safe environment of a counselor's office, do it. Childhood sexual abuse is a very complicated minefield--those memories are often buried so deep that they are inaccessible. On the other hand, emotional abuse can be so strong that people are susceptible to thinking it must have been something more. It will take time and a safe space to determine what really went on but it is in your best interest to do so. I wish you all the luck in the world, along with courage and faith. You are worth it. Remember that.
MoreAlkaloidsPLZ
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Glad I could help. I'm pulling for you. Don't ever give up!
Smiley91
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- Jan 21, 2012
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I just wanted to say thanks so much for the replies, really helped me at a tough time. I have never said things out loud ever before so it was sort of a relief to share the thoughts that have been tormenting me with someone other than myself. Ive realised i definitely need to seek help, but every time i see my councillor i cant find the words to explain , or i am scared of saying too much/the wrong thing and of the consequences etc...
Any advice on how to approach my councillor/s on this?
Any advice on how to approach my councillor/s on this?
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I had a really hard time talking to a counselor about the issues I had with my father although he had somewhat identified the problem.
He had me write a letter to him, one that would never be sent. I've managed to lose it but that may be no bad thing. Talking to him about how deeply unhappy I was about my relationship with my father and how it was affecting me ....and had been for as long as I can remember did help.
I would suggest writing some stuff down, maybe a list of things you feel you need to try and talk about, at least that way you just need to say you have written a few things down that have been troubling you and hand it over, can you email them ? I'm just suggesting what I might do knowing how hard I find it to genuinely open up to people, it may not be appropriate for you.
What I do know is that all the disappointment, resentment and the sadness and pain that comes from the little boy inside of me has damaged me more than anything else. You have to keep working on finding ways to deal with these things in a less harmful and more mindful way, I've by no means got this done yet but just recognising it was life changing.
What can I really do to make a little bit of this better........not become the very thing I despise so much, try and do the things he didn't do and try not to resent him as he did his father.
You started this thread so you can delete it anytime you want, shoot me a PM if you need me to do it.
all the best
He had me write a letter to him, one that would never be sent. I've managed to lose it but that may be no bad thing. Talking to him about how deeply unhappy I was about my relationship with my father and how it was affecting me ....and had been for as long as I can remember did help.
I would suggest writing some stuff down, maybe a list of things you feel you need to try and talk about, at least that way you just need to say you have written a few things down that have been troubling you and hand it over, can you email them ? I'm just suggesting what I might do knowing how hard I find it to genuinely open up to people, it may not be appropriate for you.
What I do know is that all the disappointment, resentment and the sadness and pain that comes from the little boy inside of me has damaged me more than anything else. You have to keep working on finding ways to deal with these things in a less harmful and more mindful way, I've by no means got this done yet but just recognising it was life changing.
What can I really do to make a little bit of this better........not become the very thing I despise so much, try and do the things he didn't do and try not to resent him as he did his father.
You started this thread so you can delete it anytime you want, shoot me a PM if you need me to do it.
all the best
MoreAlkaloidsPLZ
Bluelighter
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- Mar 22, 2015
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Shop for your therapist like you would for clothes. Try them on. Come in low key and talk about other, less personal things and get a feel for how you interact. You have to be able to trust your therapist before they can help you and letting it all hang out is probably not the best way to determine that. Build a relationship with them first.