April Getting/Staying Sober and/or Clean vs Not Fooling Around.

[1fastgsxr]

Only a few days clean off opiates, having a real tough time here. Feeling severely depressed and really starting to question the point of living. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal... I couldn't do that to my family nor have I actually thought of ending my life. I'm just very down, very lonely, and I feel very weak/embarrassed for letting myself fall into addiction.
I've come to the realization drugs are just a coping mechanism, not the problem itself. I'm scared that I'll never be happy again. I have valium but I really don't want to take any....or any meds really. Whats the point of using one drug to get off of another?
I just feel lost, alone, and scared. It's like no one can help me but myself but I don't even know how to "fix" it.

Thank you for listening. Sometimes it helps to just rant it out. It's just a rainy, ugly day where I feel completely alone in this world.

Congrats to those of you staying strong...you give me hope that I will one day get to where you are.

 

[phactor]

^^^

Try a 12 step meeting or some other type of outside support.


Decided to try to cold turkey Nicotine today. Had been cutting back so why not give this a shot. I want to do it, its messing with my appetite and I spend too much money on it. I had a few months off it last year (its been on and off for me for about 5 years). The shit is so hard for me to quit for some reason.

 

[1fastgsxr]

My only issue with that is, while I don't suffer from day to day anxiety (ie panic attacks), I do have an immense fear of speaking in public. Social anxiety in those settings I guess. So I'm afraid that would cause more anxiety than relief

As for smoking... you can do it. I did it myself, smoked for years- 2 packs a day toward the end. I quit cold turkey, no gum or patch or tapering...just stopped. It sucked. You just have to be mentally ready and committed. The WDs sucked, I was in bed a few days with flu like symptoms then I had to battle the cravings. Driving in the car was hard because I always smoked while driving. It got better. After about 3 months...I finally felt like I was over it. Still had some cravings but they were less often and less intense. Then it got to a point where smoking and the smell of cigarettes actually disgusted me. I won't like, I had a couple cigs here and there over the years but they made me sick more than anything so I never really looked back. I actually used gum (just regular SF gum) to help me quit...gave me a new oral fixation. And no lie, I was chewing gum like a horse, like a pack a day haha

So go for it! I'll be happy to offer any advice.

 

[simco]

Only a few days clean off opiates, having a real tough time here. Feeling severely depressed and really starting to question the point of living. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal... I couldn't do that to my family nor have I actually thought of ending my life. I'm just very down, very lonely, and I feel very weak/embarrassed for letting myself fall into addiction.
I've come to the realization drugs are just a coping mechanism, not the problem itself. I'm scared that I'll never be happy again. I have valium but I really don't want to take any....or any meds really. Whats the point of using one drug to get off of another?
I just feel lost, alone, and scared. It's like no one can help me but myself but I don't even know how to "fix" it.

Thank you for listening. Sometimes it helps to just rant it out. It's just a rainy, ugly day where I feel completely alone in this world.

Congrats to those of you staying strong...you give me hope that I will one day get to where you are.

Yeah, those first few days suck. As you point out, the depression is just awful. FWIW, I find that it helps if I can think (or even say) to myself that the depression is lying to me. Or another way to put it is: I try to get in a head space where I feel like I'm watching a movie or tv show about the gloom. It's no more real than something unfolding on a screen... just like the dope gives you a sense of well-being that's thin and in many ways fake, the depression is also bogus. Admittedly, I can't always pull this off. And it may sound corny when I put it into words. Your mileage may vary .

Best luck.

 

[Papaverium]

Dude, I LIKE that!

Not sure if it will resonate (I'm old as fuck), but I've been going way back and listening to my old Butthole Surfers records. Your track reminds me of some of their stuff, especially from the Locust Abortion Technician album.

I'll see if I can figure out an anonymous way to put up a few tracks I've been working on... that's my main activity these days as I try to keep myself too occupied to use.

I don't know how "old as fuck" you are lol, Ive never heard of it and im 22, but I wanna check out these people!

 

[simco]

I don't know how "old as fuck" you are lol, Ive never heard of it and im 22, but I wanna check out these people!

old as fuck = 43 in my case. sigh.

here are a couple all-time greats in the musical vein I was thinking of:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LwknFJpjl9g [good, clean fun]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t92UkJkfb6g [warning... possibly the most terrifying song ever]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iLX4TKO1fy8 [a really, really old one but also hilarious]

I know these are a bit off-topic. But trawling through music is one of my favorite ways to keep my mind off drugs.

 

[1fastgsxr]

Yeah, those first few days suck. As you point out, the depression is just awful. FWIW, I find that it helps if I can think (or even say) to myself that the depression is lying to me. Or another way to put it is: I try to get in a head space where I feel like I'm watching a movie or tv show about the gloom. It's no more real than something unfolding on a screen... just like the dope gives you a sense of well-being that's thin and in many ways fake, the depression is also bogus. Admittedly, I can't always pull this off. And it may sound corny when I put it into words. Your mileage may vary .

Best luck.

Thank you! Always have to remind myself, "this too shall pass." I've been through tough times... much worse than this. I've quit smoking and an alcohol addiction so I KNOW I'm capable. It's hard to see it now but it is a good way to remind myself I'm capable and I'm stronger than this.

Just going to have to keep myself busy, remind myself of what's important in life. Life is bigger than just me...and you only get out of it what you put in. I don't want to live a life of regret. I've found in tough times just fake it until you make it...positive thinking goes a long way, even when you feel like dying inside. There are people with cancer, without a home...people with no family. Hey, I've got it pretty good in the grand scheme of things. I am going to get through this...I WILL get through this. This is just another test, and another instance where I can eventually look back and be proud of how strong I am.

I want to share this video I bookmarked for my bad days. It has a lot to do with positive thinking, putting positive, loving thoughts in your mind. Many will think it's corny, but give it a chance... hopefully someone else can find comfort/healing from watching.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oAoTbwVHYUI

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Today makes 2 months

dude!! amazing work!

Dude, I LIKE that!

Not sure if it will resonate (I'm old as fuck), but I've been going way back and listening to my old Butthole Surfers records. Your track reminds me of some of their stuff, especially from the Locust Abortion Technician album.

I'll see if I can figure out an anonymous way to put up a few tracks I've been working on... that's my main activity these days as I try to keep myself too occupied to use.

I've "heard of" the Butthole Surfers. But all I listen to is noise, occasionally metal, and rarely ambient/industrial, or stuff like aphex twin.

I however made an hour long Marilyn Manson/noise mash-up type remix, if you'd like to hear it I'll post it too

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Only a few days clean off opiates, having a real tough time here. Feeling severely depressed and really starting to question the point of living. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal... I couldn't do that to my family nor have I actually thought of ending my life. I'm just very down, very lonely, and I feel very weak/embarrassed for letting myself fall into addiction.
I've come to the realization drugs are just a coping mechanism, not the problem itself. I'm scared that I'll never be happy again. I have valium but I really don't want to take any....or any meds really. Whats the point of using one drug to get off of another?
I just feel lost, alone, and scared. It's like no one can help me but myself but I don't even know how to "fix" it.

Thank you for listening. Sometimes it helps to just rant it out. It's just a rainy, ugly day where I feel completely alone in this world.

Congrats to those of you staying strong...you give me hope that I will one day get to where you are.

I was going through all these thoughts in the beginning.

The important thing is you weren't happy using drugs; the pleasure drugs deliver is impure (this is a philosophical concept, not a reference to drug purity but the purity of a pleasure, an impure pleasure leads to misery afterward, and a pure pleasure does not). Keep this in mind, and know you will feel better one day. I'm finally getting back to that point after 5 months and 1 week clean off a multiple year heroin/suboxone bender

 

[Smoky]

Only a few days clean off opiates, having a real tough time here. Feeling severely depressed and really starting to question the point of living. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal... I couldn't do that to my family nor have I actually thought of ending my life. I'm just very down, very lonely, and I feel very weak/embarrassed for letting myself fall into addiction.
I've come to the realization drugs are just a coping mechanism, not the problem itself. I'm scared that I'll never be happy again. I have valium but I really don't want to take any....or any meds really. Whats the point of using one drug to get off of another?
I just feel lost, alone, and scared. It's like no one can help me but myself but I don't even know how to "fix" it.

Thank you for listening. Sometimes it helps to just rant it out. It's just a rainy, ugly day where I feel completely alone in this world.

Congrats to those of you staying strong...you give me hope that I will one day get to where you are.

I was in a similar spot 7-8 months ago with opiates. Yes, I agree… drugs are not the problem it's what one does with them, or the relationship with the drug(s) to change the way we feel. Good news is though you most likely will feel better eventually, it just.takes.time. and work!
Addiction is an illness, it goes against what we truly want for ourselves… I don't believe it's about weakness. You are very strong for making a change for the better. Congrats on coping in a healthier way today. It's not easy but it does get better!

Hang in there!
Smoky

 

[simco]

I've "heard of" the Butthole Surfers. But all I listen to is noise, occasionally metal, and rarely ambient/industrial, or stuff like aphex twin.

I however made an hour long Marilyn Manson/noise mash-up type remix, if you'd like to hear it I'll post it too

yeah, put up the mix if it's easy.
to your point, these days, most of what i listen to is metal or at least somewhere in that vein. a couple contemporary favorites: today is the day, converge, old man gloom. genghis tron can be pretty awesome if you're in the mood for some noise mixed in with your metal/hardcore.

 

[phactor]

My only issue with that is, while I don't suffer from day to day anxiety (ie panic attacks), I do have an immense fear of speaking in public. Social anxiety in those settings I guess. So I'm afraid that would cause more anxiety than relief

As for smoking... you can do it. I did it myself, smoked for years- 2 packs a day toward the end. I quit cold turkey, no gum or patch or tapering...just stopped. It sucked. You just have to be mentally ready and committed. The WDs sucked, I was in bed a few days with flu like symptoms then I had to battle the cravings. Driving in the car was hard because I always smoked while driving. It got better. After about 3 months...I finally felt like I was over it. Still had some cravings but they were less often and less intense. Then it got to a point where smoking and the smell of cigarettes actually disgusted me. I won't like, I had a couple cigs here and there over the years but they made me sick more than anything so I never really looked back. I actually used gum (just regular SF gum) to help me quit...gave me a new oral fixation. And no lie, I was chewing gum like a horse, like a pack a day haha

So go for it! I'll be happy to offer any advice.

Thanks, I have been vaping and using snus. I had a decent amount of time without using nicotine but I kinda started up when my Girlfriend was smoking around me (haven't had a cigarette in a long time). Its not that bad yet, and it gets in the way of my weight lifting goals.

As for the meetings, you don't have to say anything and can sit in the back. Just keep it in mind.

 

[BlueSaffron]

Thanks, I have been vaping and using snus.

I read this as "I have been vaping and using anus". Hey, whatever works

I've been using .5 to 1 mg sub, but I'm really fed up with myself, and I was thinking about last summer, how I got off methadone and felt awful and ended up using, and I was just thinking... what my life would be like now if I had just toughed it out and quit then. I know we can't go back in time but it's just like.. I always have an excuse why I dont want to go through it, why I just "need" a bit of opiates in my life because of this or that, and as soon as things are a little better I'm totally going to do it.

But now I think that maybe things aren't going to get better UNTIL I do it. So I'm thinking of taking .5 for the next 2 days, .2 for the next 3, and jumping. I'll update here if I do - I haven't been posting much because there's nothing to post, I'm just still on subs and spinning my wheels in life. So lame.

So yeah, target jump off date is next Monday. Hopefully I can do it, because I just feel like I'm getting nowhere, and losing myself in the process. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore.

 

[cicerogrinds]

Oh yeah, that happened to me big time, and its not the first time it has happened. I had to stop going to the gym for a month because I was just going way to often.

I also haven't gambled in over a year and it was never a problem per say, but I can totally see getting hooked on sports gambling. Also, I suck at regulating my shopping and can get a strong high off of it.

NA is all about addiction being an issue of thinking, for me at least, the drugs are but a symptom. I have always had an addictive personality, video games, chocolate, baseball and hockey cards etc etc etc

how long have you been clean phactor... has the addictive personality toned down at all.. i'm the same way.. hoping it gets a bit more controllable

 

[Captain.Heroin]

yeah, put up the mix if it's easy.

I fear the copyright laws might yield it deleted one day, but I can see if I can upload it.

 

[simco]

Just back from a nice run. (Here 'nice' means it beat the hell out of me.) Glad to feel the endorphins: last night sucked. Came really close to using.

 

[Smoky]

Nice ^
Going out myself for a long walk through the park trail.

 

[Papaverium]

Man, I messed up my clean time yesterday...

Back to day one I suppose.... *sigh*
I know I shouln't be too hard on myself either, shit happens but damn. I was so far, I almost made it a month...
I will not slip back in!!

 

[simco]

Verri,

As I've seen you remind other people in this situation: don't knock yourself around for this. You made 20-some days clean... that's huge! You'll do it again, and then some. Each relapse helps you learn about your addiction. It's a bump in a very bumpy road. Happens to all of us. Just climb back on board and push forward.

-Sim

 

[Papaverium]

Verri,

As I've seen you remind other people in this situation: don't knock yourself around for this. You made 20-some days clean... that's huge! You'll do it again, and then some. Each relapse helps you learn about your addiction. It's a bump in a very bumpy road. Happens to all of us. Just climb back on board and push forward.

-Sim

Thanks Sim, I appreciate it
'Tis a very bumpy road, and it will have it's ups and downs. Using once in almost a whole month is a pretty big leap, I just don't wanna accidentally leap all the way off the cliff..

I guess there are no accidents though, we all make our own choices.