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April Getting/Staying Sober and/or Clean vs Not Fooling Around.

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Visited my Girlfriend who is in treatment yesterday and its amazing how much better she is looking and sounding already. I kinda forgot what coming back strong from a relapse looks like and I got to see it yesterday. Still though, its hard to watch someone you love have to deal with that guilt and shame that so many of us know. At the end of the day, she decided to use so she is in the position she is in. Doesn't make it any easier for me though.

Saw my family yesterday and made the whole amends deal (I am on that step). I have 10 months and 28 days clean. Life is good for the most part. The exercise is starting to get addictive again though.
 
I do live in New York city I have bin to most of the museums here but I don't really enjoy doing something like that let alone by myself
I currently don't hangout with many people so when they are working I'm screwed and bored
I'm going to work now which is good cuz I don't usually obsess about getting high at work and even if I do it passes by the time I finish
The fear of one of my friends calling me to hangout and them.knowing if I say no that it's fishy also prevents me from doing something stupid
I'm really glad I made it thru the weekend it was a real battle for me I almost failed but I didn't and I'm proud of myself for that
Thanks again everyone for giving me strength in time of need
I wish everyone an awesome week!
 
Visited my Girlfriend who is in treatment yesterday and its amazing how much better she is looking and sounding already. I kinda forgot what coming back strong from a relapse looks like and I got to see it yesterday. Still though, its hard to watch someone you love have to deal with that guilt and shame that so many of us know. At the end of the day, she decided to use so she is in the position she is in. Doesn't make it any easier for me though.

Saw my family yesterday and made the whole amends deal (I am on that step). I have 10 months and 28 days clean. Life is good for the most part. The exercise is starting to get addictive again though.

That's great to hear! :)

My bf decided he is going back to rehab, no later than May. Hopefully we can stay clean together.. I'm at 25 days no opiates today.
He's in bed at home wding still. :/ We don't live together which is good for this situation...

~Verri
 
totach: Awesome news about you getting through the week-end without using... that is a victory. It sounds like the work week is easier for you, as you get distracted, so keep going... never, never, never give up.
Phactor: I pray everyday to become addicted to physical exercise. I have walked the past 4 days in a row... yesterday, quite a bit, so slept massive amounts, just waking up a bit here there over 15 hours. At least that makes my tapering easier.
Pharma ​Thank you for posting those gorgeous pics of Japan... I love their culture.
 
Other sober BL's: Congrats on another day clean and sober...PAPAV: awesome job on your days off opiates!
 
Hey, everyone. After hemming and hawing, I've bit the bullet and committed to quit using heroin. For now, I'm letting myself have weed, as it helps so much with the cravings, so I'm not really 'clean.' But the smack habit was getting really sketchy. Time to GTFO.

Today is 10 days off heroin for me.

This is my first time having to kick an addiction... all your posts on this thread are really helpful. Keeping myself busy. Lots of music; lots of bonding with my wonderful, loving, never-judging dog. But damn, looking down the barrel of a permanent break from getting high is scary and depressing.
 
Hello, I would like the opportunity to properly introduce myself for the first time on this forum.

I'm 26 and I've experimented with most drugs and by the grace of some higher power never got hooked on the harder shit. I've had aspergers (autistic spectrum disorder) my whole life and experimenting with cannabis and tobacco when I was 17 was not the best thing for me but hindsight 20/20 I suppose.

The last time I went 12 weeks (or anything close to 12 weeks) without pot was 9 years ago when I was 17 and that was not by choice. I've wasted thousands of dollars on it and MY MISUSE of it is the reason I am 26 and only have a couple hundred dollars to my name and still live with my parents. Still I don't blame the cannabis, it was my underlying disorders that lead to my misuse.

I haven't smoked cannabis for a week or 2 now. Last night was the first night I got fully caught up on my sleep and didn't wake up with my shirt covered in sweat. I've always had a strange relationship with cannabis and WDs from it are unusually hard for me due to underlying SEVERE issues of depression and anxiety. The worst symptoms for me are insomnia, racing thoughts, depression and irritability sometimes to the point of rage or tears. Took me many years to realize this about myself.

Then a few months ago I made the mistake (tho I'm still on the fence as to whether it was truly a mistake) of trying to use kratom to get me off the pot. Suffice it to say it didn't work out the way I planned. (But I can't say it alltogether failed either tho I don’t recommend this to anyone)

I've used kratom on and off for a few months (usually rotating it with cannabis) and daily, multiple times a day for the past few weeks.

I'm back to one dose per night of the kratom today after taking multiple doses everyday during the holidays (I celebrate Passover and Easter) but thankfully I was able to get next week off (lied to my boss that I had to help my cousin move) and only working Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday this week. Friday I see my psychiatrist for a new script for my clonazepam and lexapro and I'm going to see if he is willing to prescribe gabapentin assuming I have the balls to tell him about my dance w/ kratom.

What this means for me is I've committed myself to a cold turkey kick (no kratom or any other opiate even loperimide, no cannabis or alcohol either) after I take my final dose of it no later than Friday night (perhaps even Wednesday or Thursday night.) This means a fast taper before I kick. Cannabis was my original problem and I can’t justify using it to WD from the thing I took to WD from cannabis in the first place. No more of these running in circles for me!

Then I'm going on a 9-10 day road trip where I don't have to be around anybody and can WD in peace (or rather without disturbing the peace.) This may be hell but at least I'll be going from place to place and I'll have my solitude which I find essential to getting over that initial hump. I'm actually kind of excited for the road trip but no doubt it will be hell and when I sleep in will be in my car at a Walmart parking lot or in a tent. (You gotta do what you gotta do)
I know I need to talk to people to truly heal my wounds but the first thing I need is solitude.

I'm serious about getting clean of everything but my clonazepam (taken only as prescribed 1mg 3X a day), lexapro and nicotine (which I need for my underlying anxiety and depression) and possibly diphenhydramine and Gabbapentin (if I have the balls to ask my psych. for the Gab.) to help me sleep (although if I'm feeling extra bold I may drop the diphenhydramine too and take only melatonin at night.)
I keep reminding myself, one step at a time. First step was stopping the pot and the second step is now stopping the kratom.

This Spring I'm dead set on going 12 weeks (perhaps even a year but I've only commited to 12 weeks so far) without cannabis, kratom, alcohol or any other major intoxicant (except for my clonazepam taken only as prescribed for anxiety and the other meds I mentioned above) so that I may have the chance to know what it feels like to be sober for the first time in 9 years. It will not be easy but I am committed as hell!

There is sooo much underlying fear, sadness, shame and guilt and its already starting to creep up on me as I type this. Holy shit. So many times I wish I could be 17 again and make the right choices but that’s just not how life works. It’s not like things would be any easier if I did go back.

Here I go again...
Anyway thank you for allowing me the time to properly introduce myself.
RecoveringPothead AKA Cannablis88 AKA HasToBeMoreThanThis
 
In trouble with opiates again after a surgery:(

So angry with myself. Detox starting tuesday, this will be the last one.

I doubt many here have much faith left in me but I'm fucking doing it this time and staying away forever. Over. Gone. I'm so sick of this cycle I keep crying, luckily I had someone to talk to who is willing to take me on and love me despite my idiocy. I cried in her arms and shesaid it was ok and she loved me, I don't understand why she does but it means a lot that there is someone out there who cares and can see past my problems. I felt like an idiot crying and she made it totally ok, what I have done to deserve this I have no idea.
 
In trouble with opiates again after a surgery:(

So angry with myself. Detox starting tuesday, this will be the last one.

I doubt many here have much faith left in me but I'm fucking doing it this time and staying away forever. Over. Gone. I'm so sick of this cycle I keep crying, luckily I had someone to talk to who is willing to take me on and love me despite my idiocy. I cried in her arms and shesaid it was ok and she loved me, I don't understand why she does but it means a lot that there is someone out there who cares and can see past my problems. I felt like an idiot crying and she made it totally ok, what I have done to deserve this I have no idea.
I understand completely. I had surgery a couple weeks ago. I was pretty disappointed in myself because I had been using for a bit before the op. Of course my post op meds weren't as effective as they should've been and I got really down about that. Cheers to you having a plan. If you really want it, you'll be successful. Cliche...it's not about falling down, getting back up is what counts. Just keep trying and you will get there.
I'm so glad that you have someone to be there for you. I think people really underestimate how much having just one person can be of so much help.

You deserve to be loved and have someone
 
Problem is I've fallen down and got back up about 20 times before by the age of 27. I have no faith in myself anymore.
 
I definitely can relate to falling Down dozens of times and loosing faith in myself
Even at two months Benzo and opiate free I don't have faith in myself cuz I know I'm one high away from Fucking everything up
I'm really praying it gets better with time but even.If I Fuck up again I will not give up on myself
Just hang in there as long as you don't give up I'm sure you will get to.where you wanna be
 
This is my first time having to kick an addiction... all your posts on this thread are really helpful. Keeping myself busy. Lots of music; lots of bonding with my wonderful, loving, never-judging dog. But damn, looking down the barrel of a permanent break from getting high is scary and depressing.

Hey simco and nice work on the ten days:)

There are techniques to deal with this. I really like the fellowship approach when it comes to this. You do not have to tell yourself your never ever going to use again.. even if this is your true intention.

"You never realize what you have until its gone"

"I didn't really even want it until they told me I couldn't have it"

"I Didn't Realize How Much I Loved You Until I thought You Were Gone "

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder"

We can desire what we don't or can't have very strongly. Some night clubs use this very principle to make people desire to go into the club.

NSFW:
nightclub-velvet-rope-620x480.jpg


Our desires and cravings come from the unconscious part of our brain. This is where love comes from. Hunger and thirst as well.

"I never knew I loved them until they were gone": The intense desire and experience of love is an emotion that has been activated to motivate the conscious to drop everything and get that person back. It was not around before they left, because they were still there and did not need any tracking down or getting back. The unconscious often does not share its thoughts and opinions, unless its needs us to solve it problems.

There are some techniques that work well to deal with this. They are little mind games we play with our unconscious minds. I like the fellowship approach a great deal on this one.

We dont ever have to tell ourselves we are never going to use again, even if this is our full intent.

"just for today" i'm not going to use.

This can allow us to get through each day without using and do it without flipping the addicted part of ourselves the fuck out. If it flips out and believes your intention is to never use again it will throw a hissy.. just like it does when someone has "thier heart broken"

Another one some people use is that when they are on their deathbed they will use again. This one may work better after a period of recovery has been maintained though.

Here is a good thread on the brain and addiction. The chapter linked on "The divided self" is great for starting to understand how the mind and addiction work. The elephant is the unconscious is naturally more powerful and is whats addicted, while the rider is the conscious mind.

The Brain and Addiction

Hope that all makes sense and helps you out. Again very nice work on the ten days:D

A man said to the Buddha, “I want Happiness.”
Buddha said, first remove “I”, that’s ego,
then remove “want”, that’s desire.
See now you are left with only Happiness.​
 
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Hey, everyone. After hemming and hawing, I've bit the bullet and committed to quit using heroin. For now, I'm letting myself have weed, as it helps so much with the cravings, so I'm not really 'clean.' But the smack habit was getting really sketchy. Time to GTFO.

Today is 10 days off heroin for me.

This is my first time having to kick an addiction... all your posts on this thread are really helpful. Keeping myself busy. Lots of music; lots of bonding with my wonderful, loving, never-judging dog. But damn, looking down the barrel of a permanent break from getting high is scary and depressing.

10 days is great keep it up! :)

It is super depressing to think of never getting high anymore, but keep in mind that there are way more things in this world that are the opposite of depressing, and we can't experience them if we have a life dedicated to nodding all day. And we definitely can't experience life if we are dead. now that's depressing to think of. :/

I'm having bad cravings right now so I decided to come on here. It seems to help me to type and get my mind off it. Even though I'm typing about it. It's more of a release than anything. Better than going out and copping, I'm trying to convince myself I'd rather stay in and watch movies or something...
I kinda wanna draw, but my attention span right now is rubbish. :\

~Verri
 
Problem is I've fallen down and got back up about 20 times before by the age of 27. I have no faith in myself anymore.

You are making an effort and want to stop. That's enough. Just keep trying and you will get there. I know it can be difficult, but try not to be too hard on yourself. I tried to PM you btw. Clear out ye old Inbox lol.
 
Done.

It's just hard to keep the faith when you keep going back over and over deceiving yourself saying you are ok.
 
Thanks, Verri and Never... it's super helpful to know that others are here and have been here in the past. I'm seriously impressed with the accumulated insight and camaraderie I've seen on this thread.
Peace,
Sim
 
I have a release I'd like you to listen to that I made; it's primarily dark ambient/experimental

just follow the link and hit the play button :)

https://archive.org/details/Silicon_201504

Nice! This is very interesting. I like the chopped growling or... it sounds like a distorted vocal chop at least. I also like the way you typed the title.

I've always wanted to mess around with producing music but I think I'm more of a visual artist. I like to appreciate what others come up with for sounds though. :)

~Verri
 
I have a release I'd like you to listen to that I made; it's primarily dark ambient/experimental

just follow the link and hit the play button :)

https://archive.org/details/Silicon_201504

Dude, I LIKE that!

Not sure if it will resonate (I'm old as fuck), but I've been going way back and listening to my old Butthole Surfers records. Your track reminds me of some of their stuff, especially from the Locust Abortion Technician album.

I'll see if I can figure out an anonymous way to put up a few tracks I've been working on... that's my main activity these days as I try to keep myself too occupied to use.
 
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