Just a rant from a tramadol addict

[Why_Continue]

Hi, what was about to be a quick post turned into a rant.

How to start?

Where to start?

I want to die.

I post here because many of you know what's addiction and what's to use drugs to cope with your life.

I'm a relatively successful guy. Built my business from scratch. Went from leaving with my parents and having no money to having not to think about money anymore and buy whatever I want. Everyone sees me as a successful guy, nice guy, and happy guy. What else can you ask when you have money and your only worry is to check the daily income reports, right?

Right. I'm addicted to tramadol. It's bad. Really bad. This shit is eating me from the inside. I'm becoming addicted to benzos if I'm not already. I think EVERY mother single freaking day about killing myself. Not one single freaking day passes without the thoughts. They creep on me and the worst is that I want to kill myself.

Actually I take that back. I want to kill all the shit that is killing me. Addiction, loneliness, not seeing a future without drugs. I can't live without tramadol. I also do stupid shit on it.

I'm bipolar. I know that because I started taking tramadol to bring me down from my sad days. It worked like magic.

Why do I post this? Because it keeps the suicide thoughts a bit away if I type.

I don't want to die. I have so much to give to society. I want to give and do and create. I give and I don't ask for anything back. I want to build a better world. But I don't see this as a future without taking the same shit that is eating me inside.

I cannot stop taking it. The withdrawal is fucking awful and I cannot take days off.

Successful guy, happy, motivated, bla bla . Take away my tramadol and I will lay on the floor punching it to try to relieve the pain. I'm nothing without tramadol. NOTHING.

I'm only writing this to express what I'm feeling. I know the whole don't write threads telling people you're going to kill youRself. I really don't want to kill myself but I doN't see any other way out.

Every single day I imagine myself jumping off a cliff. I can recreate it all in my mind. Even the exact time I hit the water and die. But I don't know what's on the other side. Do you?

They say that someone who loves you will be on the other side to guide you to the doors of heaven. I want my grandmother to guide me.

I wonder if all my pain will go when I die. Will I feel anything?

You never know, The guy who seems all happy on the outside may be dying on the inside. Nobody knows. Nobody knows the pain that you suffer inside. Loneliness, addiction, coping with life, not seeing a future despite I can have that future.

Who am I without drugs? I don't even remember.

I've self medicated with tramadol to fix my mental issues. Oh, how I'd love to go back to th times where 100 mgs would have me loving the world. Now I take 800 mgs just to not go and kill myself.

The worst part of the tramadol withdrawl is the intense suicide ideation. I read somewhere on a research paper that tramadol users on withdrawal have extremely high risks of suicide. Well, no shit, huh?

I can kill myself and kill all my pain. Or I can face life like I am doing and see that not only am I using tramadol to not go into withdrawal, I'm using it because I used it to cope with life.

I am not a bad guy. I want a better world for everyone. If I kill myself I will make the world turn into hell for my family. Can you imagine that your son kills himself and you didn't even know he was so bad into his addiction and mental health.

It's easy to hide the pain from the outside. But the pain from the inside. Oh, the pain from the inside.

If there's anything that I can recommend to anyone is to not use drugs as patches in your life and in your brain.

I've cried as I type this. I cried when I thought of my family.

I once had a near death experience in a car accident. I knew I was about to die. My body tensed up and like a flash I saw al my family and all my life pass by. It was like I had acknowledge that I was going to die and wanted to remember my loved ones before dying.

There's no way out.

I apologize for the rant. I just needed to let it out somehow.

 

[totach]

Man that was a intense post to read
I really feel for you man and I can relate a lot to parts of the post
I have bin clean from a 12 year heroin and xanax addiction for all over 30 days
This kick was really hard for me I am not suicidal but sometimes feel like if I died naturally or accidentally it wouldn't be the worst thing to happen
I know you said you can't take days off but you should look at it more in the way of what is more important to you right now
Is it your business or your piece of mind
Cuz if it's your piece of mind then no money or anything in this world is worth happiness and freedom
I think you should focus on your well-being right now and consider a 28 day program or something of that nature
Hopefully your business Will survive your absence
If you continue like this you will never be happy so give yourself a chance
I'm sorry if I'm preaching or am saying things that are not helpful it's just my opinion
All the best to you man

 

[Rachella666]

Remember this....we are all in the gutter but some of us are looking at the stars. This is coming from a codeine and benzo addict who is also bipolar, chin up my friend, you can do it, ive been there, suicidal and all, pm me if you want to chat xxx Rachel xxx

 

[nygiants1313]

I don't understand if you own your own business sand have so much money and all you have to do is check the income why you can't go to a nice rehab for a little bit. If you have the money your life is more important then a few days of work. Or have an assistant look things over for you.

Also why can't you just stay at home or in a beautiful hotel and kick the shit while checking the income reports from your hotel room with a phone cal or the Internet?

 

[nygiants1313]

No offense but you don't have to think about money? And the only thing you have to do everyday is check to see how much more money your bringing in? But you can't go to a detox place. Not a shitty place either but since money is nothing you can go to the nicest place and get the best of the best treatment.

I understand and addiction and how you probably feel inside but the what you type makes it seem as if you are in a better shape then 99.9999% of addicts. Money is nothing to you, and once treatment is over you everything awesome in Your life will still be there.

I apologize for not showing much empathy here and I applaud you for the great accomplishments you have worked hard for in life, but if your as well of ass you say you are, I see no reason to why you can't get help from an outside place.

Even if if its a week or two, can't someone just shoot ya a text about all the money you made that day lol?

Good luck

 

[P.o.T.u.S]

Dont hold it against yourself that u used drugs to cope with the pain.you are the same person with or without the drugs it is just easier to be a good person when u are numb to pain and feel good on the inside.what ever u did to get to this point in your life doesnt matter just take the lessons u have learned and move foward..a very slow taper could work better than a detox

 

[Valkyria]

Tramadol is a real pain in the ass to come off of The anti-depressant effect it has on your brain means that coming off is naturally going to be very dark and depressing.. In the past I've found that the mental part of coming off trams is far, FAR worse than the physical w/d's.. But I'll tell you something, there was 1 med that for me was literally miraculous in helping get through that period of time - gabapentin. And I've known others who have had success with it during tram w/d's so I don't think it's just me. But anyway.. please don't kill yourself this won't last forever..

 

[cay]

Been there man everything sounded similar to my own story from can't quit, easier to commit suicide, more money than needed, bipolar type 1, etc.

It's time for a change, but not this second. Make a plan and stick to it, you should understand that concept being successful. Here's an idea, continue on this path till you have stocked enough money aside for at least 3-4 months off (being safe), hire an assistant to take over and just trust them to do there job. Personally though this is where I might just sell thw business and do some menial work for awhile.

Now my addiction was to opiates, I am bp type 1 rapid cycling. For the last 5.5months I have been unmedicated and clean from opiates, when the acute withdrawals passed (luckily I did some tapering over 1.5months from 120mg IV to 60mg IV so it wasn't too bad) I got happy. Stupid levels of happy, most days between full blown mania and hypomania. I think the shock from being so depressed for years plus bp just sent me over the top.

To say the least it's been an adventure, and not easy by any means but was building your business? Look at it the same way as that. You are ready to quit from what I am reading, so make a plan and do it.

Oh and the phrase you are the same person on and off the drugs, for me at least, complete bullshit! It feels that way on the drugs and yes you share an underlying personality but the psychoactive drugs are locking away a good bit of who you are even though you don't realize it, and trust me they aren't all bad traits, good ones get locked away too. I thought I was locking away my anger but locked away 90% of who I am and rhe anger hasn't been a problem.

 

[jammin83]

Just want to add that the benzos could easily be making you far worse. Sure, they help in the short-term but for myself nothing will make me suicidal like benzos. You really don't want to have to kick that stuff on top of the tramadol.

So it seems you have the choice of the taper or rehab/detox/cold turkey. Gabapentin does seem to help opiate withdrawal and pretty much any type of withdrawal so maybe try that. It isn't necessarily addicting but it is habit forming if you take it longer than a couple of weeks so beware of that.

I'm not going to tell you that I have been where you have but I have been suicidal for periods of time, more times than I'd like to admit in the last ten years. I used to be addicted to opiates and benzos. I'm bipolar as well. I haven't found too many answers but I do know getting the drugs out of your system is step one. It's hard to think clearly and rationally under the influence. If you feel up to it, going cold-turkey, supervised of course, might be your best option. For me, tapering can be a slow death and you will be feeling better much sooner, however, worse in the short-term. You can do it though. It seems impossible when you are in the depths of your addiction, but you have to. Just getting off of that stuff should be your first priority. It is sucking your life-force right out of you.

Feel free to send me a PM if you need anything. Best of luck to you.

 

[DMB1979]

I was addicted to tramadol for about 8 years. Buying it online 140 dollars every two weeks. I sympathize with you. I'm an average person, college,have a home and a husband. And I've graduated from Tramadol to a drug that's far worse. I'm on oxycontin and oxycodone through pain management doctor. I don't know if I'm supposed to tell you that. I just want you to know that I feel for it. The tramadol withdrawal is some of the worst withdrawal there is out there. Thankfully when I went off the tramadol onto the oxycontin it kept away the withdrawal symptoms. Now I'm just addicted to a different drug. if I had to do it without getting on to something else I would definitely go to a detox place. Cutting tramadol cold turkey is bad bad bad idea. I wish you the best of luck. I'm new so I hope it's okay to say this if you need to talk you can send me a message. 8 years of my life were sucked up by that drug.

 

[P0kemama]

Cutting tramadol cold turkey is bad bad bad idea. I wish you the best of luck.

You might want to consult your PCP re: a taper plan to get off the Tramadol. Because of it's anti-depressant effect and I believe a risk of seizure it is best to have medical advice. I send you nothing but positive energy - and it sounds like the sooner you take action to beat this addiction the better.

 

[Pb109]

I've been there with tramadol. It made me so confident and happy but I couldn't live without it. The withdrawls were to much. It took for me to end up in police custody for a while to get of it. If that hadn't happened I would still be on it. I need it mostly for my work to give me energy and not feel the aches and pains.

One thing that did help with withdrawls and not thinking about it involved my taking 6 30mg of codeine tablets throughout the day. I even managed to when myself of them and now I'm clean from that drug. 2 years addicted and at the mercy of that drug.

 

[incaseofaburglar]

The tramadol can be dealt with a lot more easily than the benzos. If you have money, I would check out ibogaine. You could wipe out the tramadol quite quickly. Costa Rica is a good place for ibogaine -- lots of options. There are the Bwiti ceremonial centers (like Iboga Life and New Life Iboga) and then the medical models (like I Begin Again). Just a thought. You only need about a week. The benzos are rough though, stay away from them or if it is too late, start a very, very SLOW taper.

 

[psykoman]

If you have money just go to one of the private rehabilitation centres still be hard but at least they make you as comfortable as you can be.

 

[Just.Let.Go]

Made me almost cry to read your story. I can feel your emotions in your words radiating off the screen. I have faith in you that you can do this. The fact you reached out and wrote us all your story is proof alone.

"Actually I take that back. I want to kill all the shit that is killing me. Addiction, loneliness, not seeing a future without drugs. I can't live without tramadol. I also do stupid shit on it."

Run with this thought and never ever look back.

 

[Tacoma]

I can relate completely although im not successful by any means. Been trying to kick my 3yr addiction to opiates specifically heroin. Everyone i love in my life has now left me all i think about sitting at home is either shooting up my arm or just picture myself hanging..but instead of doing either i do nothing react to nothing if i have to cry all day i do because im still waiting for it to get better it has to get better because when we've hit rock bottom we can't get any worse right?