TDS The Suicide Support Thread

[herbavore]

Hey Jamesdean. What if you were to write that note not as a suicide note but as a way to communicate what was hurtful and damaging to you. I assume you are talking about your parents or extended family, right?

 

[rebelmania]

Effysunshine, how are your days going now? Jamesdean, how are you doing today?

 

[Tears in the dark]

I have no clue what I'm doing but i finally made it on here, been crying for two hours trying to be able to post) I need to vent but feel like....... I don't know...... I'm a mother of three, 5 ,11, and 20 and a grandma at 37 how could i be sad or heven forbid want to cut the hell out of my self mix pills i pry shouldn't (i like topamax100mg, trazodone50mg, kpin 3mg, and seriquil100mg, always hopeing i dont wake up but i always do what kind if person can look in to her grand baby's eyes, braid her daughters hair and turn right around an pray to god he would take me? I don't want to be here it hurts to much.

 

[Tears in the dark]

I don't even know if I'm in the right time zone my clock says 1156 I live in Michigan

 

[Tears in the dark]

Some back ground I have always had problems with low self esteem (due to multi abuse out side the home) lead to anxiety that has ruled my world every other word out of my moth is "I'm sorry" or "its my fault" and depression, i call it the dark, my mind gets dark, I feel trapped like i need to escape.
In 2010 I lost my rock THE best man most amazing person I will ever know, i didn't get to tell him good bye when I got there it was ......to late. But I could not greave! I had to be strong for my daughter he took her to do something after work every wed that was there day he embraced being a grand father and there bond was all love and she at 12 years old was crushed by this, I could not fall apart not for a second because my mom was abusing fioraset? (if u know the correct spelling let me know)so messed up I had to go live with her she was poping ten fifteen a day while trying to save my moms life i found out i was pregnant? dropped my antidepressants nbd wasn't on many yet, and was still was still holding it all in.......

 

[Tubbs]

Let it out, you're not doing your family or yourself any good by holding it in, trust me I've been in a very similar situation, I don't have kids, but I was engaged and was a father figure for the sweetest little girl, and I lost it all because I watched my best friend die, and held in the grief.

The best thing is to let it out and start to deal with your grief.

 

[Tears in the dark]

Note?

Sorry, I moved this to a more appropriate forum, The Dark Side. Apologies for not mentioned thing when I merged it here earlier.

i have never thought of wrighting a note....... what do you think that means? Im 37 and I have never been ale to do it tryed oh yes! this world sucks its hard, and for some of us its ten times harder, your not alone I love you!

 

[Tears in the dark]

Thank you,

Let it out, you're not doing your family or yourself any good by holding it in, trust me I've been in a very similar situation, I don't have kids, but I was engaged and was a father figure for the sweetest little girl, and I lost it all because I watched my best friend die, and held in the grief.

The best thing is to let it out and start to deal with your grief.

to know some one is listening is , there are no word's

 

[Tubbs]

I'm here to listen, and to help, I've been through hell, so to help another get through it feels right.

 

[Tears in the dark]

Part 2

Let it out, you're not doing your family or yourself any good by holding it in, trust me I've been in a very similar situation, I don't have kids, but I was engaged and was a father figure for the sweetest little girl, and I lost it all because I watched my best friend die, and held in the grief.

The best thing is to let it out and start to deal with your grief.

Oct 2011 im pregant only 0ne year after I lost my dad and I have to pretend I'm happy?I felt like the worst person In the world i wanted to die while i wad pregnant! What kind of human does that? Thinks that?I constantly thought of kiling myself I googled what would happen to the baby if I hung my self, i never slept , after Haylee was born i couldnt have loved that little pink bundle of joy more than any thing.......but I had had my third c section and was deffently slipping FAST in to post partum depresion...... but I had to save my moms life. (The fioriset I'll haveto lookup the correct spelling she was taking 10 to 15 pills a day) was bad, the telemarketers called every day, (really long story short)I helped her get off them she has been as far as I know off them still, but I was getting worse and no one saw it. every time I went to the doc, up the dose, add a pill, up the dose , and I'm thinking its perscribed so it's ok had to wright all my meds down and times because, one there were more that i could count and two, I was to fucked up to count them any way.
With my kids a summer away from starting school i admitted my self to pine rest.the withdrawal was hell all I wanted was my dad the only thing i take now is 80 Prozac 30 nurotin and 3 mg of kpin, I do drop back to old meds when I want to knock myself the fuck out............

 

[Tubbs]

That's rough, I'm really sorry to hear about your struggle. Are the meds helping at all?

 

[Tears in the dark]

Last part

Let it out, you're not doing your family or yourself any good by holding it in, trust me I've been in a very similar situation, I don't have kids, but I was engaged and was a father figure for the sweetest little girl, and I lost it all because I watched my best friend die, and held in the grief.

The best thing is to let it out and start to deal with your grief.

no one understansds u have to learn to live all over again after that kind of.......trama? I felt like it was. But now every thing I do is wrong, my home is starting to feel like prison ,when u say sorry it shouldn't only be to avoid conflicti love being a mom I live being a grandma I'm sick of being a door matt, I want to be with my dad......
But I cant.

 

[Tubbs]

I know the feeling, I still have days years later where all I want is to see my best friend, I can't, but I keep going because I know that's what he would want.

 

[Tears in the dark]

Trapped

Let it out, you're not doing your family or yourself any good by holding it in, trust me I've been in a very similar situation, I don't have kids, but I was engaged and was a father figure for the sweetest little girl, and I lost it all because I watched my best friend die, and held in the grief.

The best thing is to let it out and start to deal with your grief.

could never leave the baby's even my 20 year old princess I just couldn't ....... and but how do u stop these thoughts i see it, bad thoughts. And do u hold them all in or do u tell the ppl who "love you" tell them? because that, tends to get turned around and used against me later.

 

[Tubbs]

I let it out here, that's why alot of us are here. There's alot of people with similar experiences here in the dark side, in my normal life I've only ever told 3 people all or even nearly all the things I've been through and seen. But thats more because I don't really have family and have major trust issues, if you have someone you truly trust in your life ask them if you can vent, that helps more than anything in my experience. If you don't feel free to share around here, I'm always glad to lend an ear, as are many of the wonderful people here.

 

[herbavore]

When the grief in your life is threatening to overwhelm all the walls you have tried to build against it, it is important to let the walls fall as scary as that can feel. Letting your family (especially your older child) know that you are suffering from something very old--something that you cannot suppress nor skirt around without compounding the pain. Like every other human being I used to run from emotional pain. When my son died there was no place to run and in the midst of that horrible first year I learned something amazing: it is the running that produces most of the pain.

Loss deserves the grief it creates. It reflects the love you felt for the person you lost. Grief is painful but not unbearable.

It is the other part of your grief that concerns me--the grief that comes from being torn from your own true self at some point (for most of us this is childhood). Low self-esteem takes many years to solidify but the good news is that it does not take many years to undo. But it does take two things. 1) You must find at least one thread of faith in yourself to believe in. It may seem daunting but if you are alive you still have a tiny spark of faith in yourself somewhere. Find that little spark and give it oxygen every day. 2) Retrain your thoughts. If you are used to taking the blame to avoid conflict, consider other strategies to diffuse rather than avoid conflict. Just a simple little tweak like changing "I'm sorry, it's my fault" to "I hope what I said (or did) did not contribute to the problem" can make a world of difference. If your family is accustomed to you being a doormat it will take time for the dynamic to change.

One of the hardest things in the world is to try to balance the responsibility of being a parent with a crisis within yourself. You feel pulled in so many different directions and it is overwhelming. Just remember this: a falling apart mother cannot see to the needs of her child. She must first take care of herself. Wanting to die is our natural response to the limits of psychic pain we can carry. You are at that limit. Is there any way you could access even a few meetings with a therapist--someone to listen to your situation and help you develop strategies to change your feelings of being trapped?

 

[Billy123]

Sorry but I couldn't do it. After 24 hours I started crying and puking. I ended up doing an O/D but got caught by my mom when she heard the noise of me falling. They released me from A&E this morning but my mom wants me out of the house. It was a nice O/D and I can still feel it. I'm not used to injecting and I recommend people who aren't in my position keep away from it. I'm begging anyone that's even contemplating going down that road to think again. For me it was supposed to be a one off but if you want to do it as a recreational thing you will regret it. I'm still not thinking straight but I thought that if I ever had an overdose that I would get my stomach pumped. All they did is they gave me a shot of Naloxone (something like that) on my way to the hospital in the ambulance and I woke up. My head started hurting straight away. At the hospital after checking my vitals I spoke to a counselor and that's it! I'll write again tomorrow once I'm thinking straight because I don't want to say something wrong. But I feel at peace today. Truth is that I'm giving it one last go with the loperamide and if it doesn't work I'm going to do what I have to do. This thread is virtually closed so nobody is reading this anyway. At least nobody can saying didn't try.

 

[herbavore]

I'm reading it, Billy. You must be feeling very disoriented today. Did the hospital not offer any kind of treatment options? I think it is pretty sad that someone can come that close to ending their life and simply be released once the physical life has been saved. What about the pain that almost ended it?

Are you in the UK or the US?

 

[Billy123]

I'm in the UK. I'm starting another detox on Wednesday. I'm really desperate but I don't know what to do

 

[herbavore]

Billy, you've just gotta hang in there and keep taking those steps forward. I'm glad you are going to detox. Open up to those that are around you. All we really need out of life is connection. Connection to others, to ourselves, to nature, to wonder. But pain makes us shut down and at first that feels safe and necessary but after a while that same guardedness starts killing us.

You can PM anytime if you feel the need.