I can't stop using. My boyfriend is visiting from his job in Colorado, was supposed to be Fri-Mon but ended up being Sat-Mon, I thought I would be able to abstain during this period at least. Nope. Saturday night I copped when he went to sleep, Sunday I copped while he went to his sister's for a couple hours, today when we woke up I really was intending not to, I asked him to come with me on my daily trip to the methadone clinic, but he declined. Strange, bc last time he visited, he offered to come with me and I said I preferred to go alone, and that was a source of contention for a little while. Tables turned I guess.
Anyway, I ended up calling my dealer afterward, withdrawing literally the very last money in my bank account (I was terminated from my job about two weeks [ish?] ago,) and shooting up 1.3g of "cocaine" in a matter of 3 shots.
(I put the quotation marks there because I did not feel a rush, or hear bells, it didn't come in a wave the way it usually does, even in such high amounts that it was literally hard to draw up because it was so thick with powder - so I assume it was mostly cut?) the first two I did in my forearm, miraculously was able to register there for once, and the last one in the front of my neck, bc historically the rush has come on stronger that way and I was frustrated from feeling nothing but mild negative side effects from the first 2 shots - registered at first but not the next few times I checked. I put two fingers of my other hand at (where I thought) the point where the tip of the syringe was, so I could stop if I felt any swelling - I thought maybe my blood pressure was very low and I was in a vein but not drawing up blood, because as I fished around there were brief flashes of a trickle, very dark red - and pushed down the plunger anyway. The site is a bit swollen and tender - not like a complete miss, but ... I don't know. I freaked out, but a warm compress on for 15 min and then an ice pack for 20, over a piece of gauze soaked with witch hazel. It didn't get any worse, but I don't think there's any improvement either. It's not flat and smooth, like the rest of my neck, that's for sure. I bet it will bruise in the next 20-30 hours. The forecast for this coming week is in the high 90's. I already have had to wear long sleeves because my forearms and especially left bicep are covered in hard, red lumps.
Well that was a more detailed account of my day than I really intended to go into. My point I guess is that I made not just one poor choice, but several, despite my most earnest intention not to, and then made it even worse by using the stupidest ROA, in the worst location imaginable, and failing to get a clean hit - not to mention the lack of fucking rush/high - and have not only colored the tone of my boyfriend's visit - marred it, really - but set the stage for the next week of my life (at LEAST) to be broke, probably not going out anywhere, (it just so happens that I have nowhere to go, no obligations, or friends, anyway!) self-conscious and self-loathing.
I wish I could sleep through the next 7 days. But I'd still wake up as me, is the problem. Every morning, I am still me. Why am I this way, why do I do this. I hate it, I'm tired of it, I hate what it's done to my life, I can't fucking stand myself. And yeah, my eyes are welling up, but my cheeks are dry. I don't even have the capacity to truly get upset about this deepest problem at the root of my existence, that would serve as maybe a turning point, catalyst, or at least catharsis, something. I'm just tired. Ready to tap out. Done.
