TDS The Suicide Support Thread

[tremours]

this thread has helped me so much over the years, i remember wandering the streets and seriously conisidering drinking draino and if i hadnt heard what a bad way to go i would of. my life still sucks, but its not that bad its just getting isolated. now i realy have no purpose but at least i have a roof over my head. my grandma just dies after 94 years i dont think i could do that, but i remember saying i wouldnt make it to 24

 

[starting_over]

this thread has helped me so much over the years, i remember wandering the streets and seriously conisidering drinking draino and if i hadnt heard what a bad way to go i would of. my life still sucks, but its not that bad its just getting isolated. now i realy have no purpose but at least i have a roof over my head. my grandma just dies after 94 years i dont think i could do that, but i remember saying i wouldnt make it to 24

Sometimes I'm amazed that I'm even still alive at 26, I was 100% convinced I would have killed myself by 25... still not out of the woods yet. My health keeps deteriorating though.

 

[tremours]

Sometimes I'm convinced I should of died years ago, but who can decide that. When I was 10 should I have the option, but I still think we need more information on these decisions I know I was suicidal early but I can't set a threshold

 

[Erikmen]

Erikman I don't know if it's because I'm high but I'm confused to if you were responding to me.

There is no perfect way for what, suicide? Well I took a massive amount of Xanax alone, now if I would have mixed it with alcohol- I think the outcome could have been different.

Yes. I offered my own personal experience and thoughts about the idea and how scary it can be. Perhaps never as rewarding as we might think...

 

[mandraxx]

Hate to admit this, but I have attempted suicide many times during my life, and I know that it is part of my nature, especially when I am depressed. Luckily, with some therapy, I was able to escape this trap 3 years ago and finally explore the dark side of things. It took some time. I know this may sound like some bull**** to people here but with something like suicidal tendencies and depression, a lot of times you need patience and have to wait for a miracle. Other times that miracle will just arrive at your doorstep. Some are lucky, some are not. I have had many friends who attempted suicide, they were all addicts, I don't know what they're doing right now, but I keep busy with a journal and memoir to keep things together.

For those considering - consider a therapist, counselor, or even a hotline. Or a place like this. Venting is sometimes needed.
A journal helps A LOT. For example, do you really feel suicidal? You can channel your energy into something else, a poem, a song, or simply some words. You don't necessarily have to be talented, but you may find talent in the darkest places.

Need to get some sleep. Take care.

 

[cappatown]

Yes. I offered my own personal experience and thoughts about the idea and how scary it can be. Perhaps never as rewarding as we might think...

The first time I was hospitalized I took about 200 xanax in 24 hours. I didn't know how many I really took at the time and honestly only remember taking 6. I held this story up with the nurses until I got out and found out what actually happened (was in a total blackout). At first I was awake till the wee hours of the morning just scared- scared of what I did, scared I did it twice, scared that I could have died and not even known.

But now, when I think about it- I get pissed. Pissed for being honest with doctors, pissed for fucking up my Xanax prescription (never get those again...), and royally pissed at failing 3 times.

 

[Erikmen]

^ I know the feeling.

I have also been hospitalized once, but it was really serious. That experience and what happened after changed everything.

 

[tremours]

ive been to the hospital more times than i can count, but no one realy cares. right now im doing alot better than i was 2 years ago but im still just a pathetic loser reaching out on a msg board.

 

[Erikmen]

You are not pathetic. Don't allow yourself to accept this. There is a saying about exactly what you have posted; you are only insulted (or feel less than what you are) if you don't know yourself. As much as you feel uncomfortable about yourself don't put yourself down like that.

 

[tremours]

Thank you for thinking about me at all, I've still got a couple hours until the store selling again. Though I'm going to try to avoid bothering you with my problems

 

[herbavore]

Thank you for thinking about me at all, I've still got a couple hours until the store selling again. Though I'm going to try to avoid bothering you with my problems

This is a support forum so it is never a bother--feeling horrible happens to us all and sharing how we managed to find our way out of that (if we have) is often just as helpful for the person writing it as the person reading it. Try not to let despair set in. You are in a process with yourself--everything is fluid--and change always starts with an acknowledgement that you want it.Hang in there.

 

[Erikmen]

^ Exactly!

Thank you for thinking about me at all, I've still got a couple hours until the store selling again. Though I'm going to try to avoid bothering you with my problems

You are not bothering me at all. Feel free to say whatever you need to. We all have gone through tough situations in life.
Take care.

 

[tremours]

After the past couple years I've lost my purpose and right now I'm confused, I have zero friends no prospects. I've done good in caregiving but no one going to hire me with my history, it's realy not even that bad just alot of drunk in publics, I just feel like there's nothing left, but on the other hand I remember 3 or 4 years ago thinking antifreeze was a good solution

 

[Erikmen]

Don't get stuck in the past. You are making friends here, people care. I have also gone through situations where I felt the same and I realized now that I was putting myself down even before others had the chance to do that for me. When we come out of certain situations in life we don't have a lot but you are alive, you are here. You want to move forward.

It's okay to feel confused and most people I know who had a history of addiction had to restart without friends. This is all temporary and I believe you need to focus on your good side. There are things we are good at, look for your bright side. Let the past where it belongs and as difficult and lame as this might sound try to move on. You don't have to carry your history for interviews of work. People get sick, stressed, depressed. You are not alone trying to find your spot in a world that seems to be looking for A+ people.

Try to organize your life, think of the priorities, look for doctors or psychologists if you can afford it or start making your own priorities. What I have realized in life is that when we are fine, the world looks different and the challenges a bit more feasible.

 

[InfoIsPower]

Everyone here has something unique and positive to offer Even if you feel you don't, I am willing to bet if you look hard enough, there will be something awesome no matter how big or small...
It doesn't matter if your smart / basic pretty / plain rich / poor or whatever... all that matters is kindness and that includes being kind to yourself sometimes too... It perfectly ok to say screw everyone else, today is all about me, sometimes ;-) in fact it's necessary...

Depression is so cruel, I know from first hand experience... It also took my cousin and a best friend...

1 foot in front of the other my comrades, 1 foot in front of the other...

 

[Sprout]

I don't know why I'm posting here because I know I won't listen to any advice but I guess I gotta vent.

I had a serious psychotic break last year where I thought my neighbour was breaking into my house to steal my things and... funnily enough, sneaking into my house to move things around to make me feel I'm going crazy... Hint; I was.
Since then I've conceded to psychiatric care - hospitalised twice due to induced Mania and torturous akathisia and dystonia.
I was medicated eventually with Olanzapine, Sertraline, Orphenadrine and Lamotrigine, which worked aside from wanting to bash my head against the desk due to side effects.
I went off my meds 8 weeks ago and after a few weeks I found myself justifying throwing myself in front of a car to save my family and 'friends' from having to deal with a textbook suicide.
I failed at ending my life on... several... occasions and the thing that keeps me here is less than the knowledge that someone would have to clean up the mess than that I would fail again if I tried.
2g's EPD IV'd while consuming 50ml pure essential oils (which cause elongated QTi), 4,000ug's Fentanyl with Triazolam... etc., I can't even succeed in ending my failure.
I don't enjoy life anymore but I'm horrified at the shame of being incapable of ending it.
What more can I do?

 

[Buspersons Holiday]

The only advice that I can offer in your situation is that it WILL pass and you won't feel like this forever. I was in a similar situation for most of my teens & had 3 serious attempts at my life which I can laugh about now as each one, despite my absolute intent to die & actions that should have killed me (apart from trying to gas myself with natural gas - hey, this was before the internet!) totally failed, I passed them off as a 'cry for help' to avoid further intervention, whilst completely devastated that I had survived when I felt that I was just existing & that life had no meaning or pleasure.

Did you come off your meds with the support of your GP/CMHT or did you stop taking them of your own volition while they were still being prescribed? You say they were working apart from the horrendous side effects. Is going back on them an option? Would them stopping the way you feel now outweigh the side effects?

I know only too well how unbearable it is to want out so desperately, but not succeed at each attempt (oh god, I just remembered another one when I didn't even know how to tie a noose properly, with predictable results)

I came through these times without talking to a single soul about it at the time and I know you can come through it too - I've read a lot of your posts & you've given a wealth of experience & knowledge & humour and that'll all still be there when you come through this and you bloody well will! Keep talking & asking for help & don't be ashamed, you have done nothing shameful, but I'm glad that is preventing you from doing it.
And your 'friends' may feel to you right now that they're not really, but I guarantee that some of them love you, are worried about you & will be there for you.
Be kind to yourself xx

 

[herbavore]

Hey Sprout, I am so sorry to hear how demoralized and powerless you are feeling. Why did you decide to go off the meds?--were they helping at all?

Your life is not a "failure to be ended"--it is simply a collapse of everything inside all at once and that is a terrifying experience. This may seem like it is your life but, the way I see it ,is that it is your thoughts about your life that are exhausting you to the point of giving up. I do not blame you one bit for the exhaustion but don't let it kill you. Talk to your mental health care workers, your friends and family and let them know how discouraged you feel. Sometimes everyone needs others to step in and help hold on--I know I have been there more than once in my life. PM me if you feel like talking. You do not have to go this alone.

 

[busted.produk]

Hey sprout,
I rarely post anything but reading your post made me feel something....
Im in a very similar situation and just want you to know youre not alone.
Reading your words made me not feel alone and that in itself is something major that you contributed to this shit-rock planet.
As generic as it sounds(and i, myself am sick of hearing it), apparently it wasnt your time to go.
Stay strong brother and thank you for giving me a little bit of strength to do the same.

 

[herbavore]

Hey, busted.produk, I hope today feels stronger for you. You are so right on that simply knowing you are not alone is a powerful source of strength. What do you feel like you are most discouraged by?