TDS The Suicide Support Thread

[Captain.Heroin]

Does vaping help any?

I'm in a pretty crappy mood as well. I am being so mean. It's almost like being in WD! Maybe it's hormones!

yeah but I just can't handle my own emotions ever since I quit opiates

cannabis helps me chill and helps with the anxiety and depression

but I still have such a hard time

 

[aplumgirl]

CH, you CAN do it. From what little I know, you are a brave person. When our emotions come forward it's hard to be brave, but you (we) can do it. You have a lot going on with school and stuff but I believe you have inner strength. You've been posting and moderating on BL for years. Give yourself props, you've made it thus far, you'll get a handle on your emotions too. Stay strong!

 

[Erikmen]

I just can't handle my own emotions ever since I quit opiates

cannabis helps me chill and helps with the anxiety and depression

but I still have such a hard time

I'm not that different, I can relate to what you are saying. Perhaps I was like that before but it never bothered me.
I believe and hope it gets better with time, even if it progresses slowly, after all it's not even 18 months considering the past 8 years on medication every single day. I learned that at some point we are capable to adapt to almost anything in life.

 

[Moreaux]

yeah but I just can't handle my own emotions ever since I quit opiates

cannabis helps me chill and helps with the anxiety and depression

but I still have such a hard time

I think dealing with emotions is tougher in early recovery because we're forced to feel them, we have to confront them, we can no longer alleviate them with substance. While cannabis takes the edge off, the base emotion still exists. I certainly feel your pain CH, having emotions is one of the biggest obstacles I have encountered in recovery.

It's been over two years and mine are all over the place and it's brutal, though it has gotten better over time. I have been learning to deal with mine in a healthy manner and haven't been on medication since getting sober. However, I will get Wellbutrin tomorrow to quit cigarettes and am honestly looking forward to the antidepressant properties. I have been so anxious and depressed lately from a couple of unfortunate events that I have been dealing with I hope Wellbutrin lifts my spirits some.

Hang in there CH - all this is normal and it does get better. Part of this is also PAWS so the intensity of these emotions should get better in time, and you will get more accustomed to experiencing them as well. Good luck!

 

[Jabberwocky]

You sound very mystic toothpaste. Meditation is something I've never really tried.

I for one don't know much about myself, but I can deal with that characterization. If I could sit in a cool damp cave my whole life and enjoy it I know I certainly would, but it would be very unfulfilling. People, ultimately, make life worth interesting and worth my time.

Meditation for relaxation purposes alone was what drew me to the whole idea of creating my own little practice, and the supportive communities I discovered got me more interested. I really, really was drawn to the idea that you can be productive and healthy by doing so little, essentially nothing compared to what our culture tells us we must be doing with our time. There are so many different types of exercises and traditions out there you could easily find something you enjoyed, even a simple body scan or just learning to listen to your breath.

If you ever wanted to learn how to enjoy being still, just being with yourself, it is definitely worth a shot. As soon as I started trying to do it the right way I started really figuring it out. For a very long time all I wanted was to a) be comfortable around other people and b) comfortable in my own skin. I got good at being comfortable around other by self medicating and really got a high off of how I thought I looked (etc), but when that stopped working I realized I was profoundly unhappy.

It took me years to begin to be comfortable more than not in my own skin, even more so than before I began using, now without using I mean. People still freak me the fuck out. But that's okay. From what I've experienced I have no doubt that can also change.

 

[aplumgirl]

I for one don't know much about myself, but I can deal with that characterization. If I could sit in a cool damp cave my whole life and enjoy it I know I certainly would, but it would be very unfulfilling. People, ultimately, make life worth interesting and worth my time.

Meditation for relaxation purposes alone was what drew me to the whole idea of creating my own little practice, and the supportive communities I discovered got me more interested. I really, really was drawn to the idea that you can be productive and healthy by doing so little, essentially nothing compared to what our culture tells us we must be doing with our time. There are so many different types of exercises and traditions out there you could easily find something you enjoyed, even a simple body scan or just learning to listen to your breath.

If you ever wanted to learn how to enjoy being still, just being with yourself, it is definitely worth a shot. As soon as I started trying to do it the right way I started really figuring it out. For a very long time all I wanted was to a) be comfortable around other people and b) comfortable in my own skin. I got good at being comfortable around other by self medicating and really got a high off of how I thought I looked (etc), but when that stopped working I realized I was profoundly unhappy.

It took me years to begin to be comfortable more than not in my own skin, even more so than before I began using, now without using I mean. People still freak me the fuck out. But that's okay. From what I've experienced I have no doubt that can also change.

I had a small group meditation when I was in inpatientvrehab for a while. I suffer from anxiety and I was hoping it would help, it didn't do much.

I have always used deep breathing exercises when angry, but not so much in social situations as I felt so "exposed" or on "display". I have heard a few different people on YouTube talk about meditation, TM especially. I'm a huge fan of John Lennon and John Denver (no judgements allowed Lol) so I've known about TM, I just don't seem to feel open. For example, I was not able to be hypnotized. I have a very strong mind and it's not easy for me to let go of control.

I'm a born again Christian as well, I'm aware that you follow Buddhism. My inner person is led by God so I feel allowing something " else" inside is good for me.

I have NO judgements at all, I hope the same atmosphere is true here. I've posted in other threads and had remarks made about my intelligence or lack thereof.

Anyway, I'm thankful for your response and willingness to shsre , I also am available if you have any questions.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Christian meditation and my secular practice in the Theravada tradition have infinitely more in common than not. Form former is actually very much influenced by the later, though fairly modern. TM is a much later form of meditation than what is now termed "mindfulness," which is geared towards training your mind to learn how to become more aware without jumping to judgement or criticism of what thought, emotion or physical sensation it is focused on.

What part of the world do you live in, if you don't mind me asking? Actually one of my favorite places is what used to be a Jesuit Nunnery in Santa Barbara. There is a lot of "cool" interfaith stuff out there in the world of vipassana.

I am not a big fan of any religion, as dogma and I never got along. For instance, I couldn't even deal with the education required for a bar mitzvah. I have always found monotheism far to inflexible given my life experiences, but I very much value many in various traditions. I feel that connecting to something outside your, a community you feel safe as a part of, where you can experience being vulnerable and becoming your more authentic self is what is ultimately important.

That is actually precisely what drew me to secular mindfulness, that it has allowed me to develop an integrated self that is feels much more authentic than anything I have ever known. Nothing is nicer than being able to simply be who you are.

 

[aplumgirl]

Christian meditation and my secular practice in the Theravada tradition have infinitely more in common than not. Form former is actually very much influenced by the later, though fairly modern. TM is a much later form of meditation than what is now termed "mindfulness," which is geared towards training your mind to learn how to become more aware without jumping to judgement or criticism of what thought, emotion or physical sensation it is focused on.

What part of the world do you live in, if you don't mind me asking? Actually one of my favorite places is what used to be a Jesuit Nunnery in Santa Barbara. There is a lot of "cool" interfaith stuff out there in the world of vipassana.

I am not a big fan of any religion, as dogma and I never got along. For instance, I couldn't even deal with the education required for a bar mitzvah. I have always found monotheism far to inflexible given my life experiences, but I very much value many in various traditions. I feel that connecting to something outside your, a community you feel safe as a part of, where you can experience being vulnerable and becoming your more authentic self is what is ultimately important.

That is actually precisely what drew me to secular mindfulness, that it has allowed me to develop an integrated self that is feels much more authentic than anything I have ever known. Nothing is nicer than being able to simply be who you are.

geared towards training your mind to learn how to become more aware without jumping to judgement or criticism of what thought, emotion or physical sensation it is focused on.

That's what I could use help with. I'm aware enough of myself to know I jump to conclusions and ideas based on my own intellect. I prefer MY ideas to others, which is inherently closed minded although I don't intend to be.

I live in the southern US gulf coast area. I also enjoy examining other faiths in the Christian faiths. I've studied other non-christiab faiths in college and have a basic idea of their foundationscand beliefs. I had a personal encounter in my life that cemented Christian faith for me personally. Not everyone has that special experience and I wish more people did.

Yes being "who you are" is extremely nice. I believe in acceptance and tolerance but I'm so straight laced most people wouldn't know.

 

[Jabberwocky]

There is nothing wrong about who you are Nothing wrong with being straight laced at all as long as you can still be flexible enough to ensure you remain kind and gentle. In our culture we are primarily taught how to harden - how to attempt to control our feelings, our bodies, to rationalized and make sense of ourselves and our world. There is nothing wrong with this, these are all important to know. But with also learn how to soften one can begin to mature, to become aware that it is okay to be who we are as individuals, this genuine self I speak of. How to make our way in the world.

Although I was taught how to meditate on my breathe, how to soften around the cycle of breathe, I have found that later I began to really learn how to soften into my body. How to experience, for instance, the fullness of gravity holding me down and safety of the earth under my body.

There are many, many traditions and types of meditation, but what I love about mindfulness is that it is all about learning how to become more aware without judgement of criticism. Once I began to experience little tastes of what that can be like, although nothing more than the briefest moments of awakening, it has begun to change how I look, feel, think and, ultimately, behave.

There is no ultimate formidable breakthrough moment of "enlightenment" IMO, but moments of it. Moments of sleep and awakening. It is like striving for a worthwhile goal. For me, spirituality, faith and the like are all about becoming. It's very challenging and unfulfilling to feel as one is watching as one's life goes by, and perhaps worse yet to rationalize the world to a point of fantasy - where one's behaviors reflect emotions or beliefs about the world as opposed to the world outside one's self. That is not what it takes to truly thrive as a human being amongst other human beings.

Anyhoo, I have enjoyed our little back and forth here. Please PM me if you'd like to continue our discussion, just so we don't move the thread too off topic. I would certain enjoy chatting about it all more.

 

[Nixiam]

I was heavily suicidal before I started to make sense of what I wanted to feel. After taking opioids I understood that I don't want to kill myself, I want things to be okay.

WHICH IS REALLY BAD ADVICE! You don't get answers through drug use! I'm dumb and it was a fluke!

Suicide is my plan F.

 

[Erikmen]

^ Yup.
Nice to see you around Nixiam!

 

[Nixiam]

Hehe you too Mr. Erik. Warmed up to the TDS sub forum a bit.

 

[Jabberwocky]

As you should! You're one dark mother fucker nix

 

[Nixiam]

lol

 

[herbavore]

^Always does my heart good to see someone posting laughter in the suicide thread.

 

[somnilicious]

I cant take anymore. I am going to commit suicide. The worst part of all this is that this is a well thought-out intention with a fully rational mind unimpeded by drugs. I lost all ability to feel pleasure anymore. I'm not even in the depths of Despair right now . I've been way worse. I've just been thinking a lot about it the last couple of months and I decided that is what I have to do. I stay clean. I went to drugs I try to exercise I tried eating right hell I'd even quit smoking cigarettes. Scary part is that usually when I came to this this decision it was because I was helplessly strung out on drugs. Now I just hate life and this is a totally sober decision. I really don't intend on responding to this and I don't even know why I'm putting this here. I guess I just wanted to see how I felt after putting the words in black and white and I still feel exactly the same. This is so much more than a cry for help because I am more sure than ever that there is no help for me. I've tried any and all suggestions that are usually put forth on these forums for such problems to no avail so goodbye.

 

[herbavore]

I am sorry that you feel life holds no possibility of ease or happiness for you. Getting "clean" (I kind of hate that phrase) takes so much strength and perseverance and when the same bleak outlook is there waiting at the end it can feel so immutably true that life itself holds nothing but suffering. Wanting that life of pain to die makes sense but I hope that you will survive to a different life altogether. I wish you peace, somni. You have lots of friends here that care about you. If you feel like talking to someone for any reason at all please PM me.

Do you think your feelings could be PAWs?

 

[DixiChik]

My macabre sense of humor sustains me...but it can only go so far.

Somni...Idaknow, but for me personally...Maybe you?...I'm so anal, I've even weighed the pros and cons (old school legal pad lists) of hitting the exit. Truth be told I have far more reasons to leave than I do to stay in this horrible pain.

Some days it's just the fear that I'll fuck it up that keeps me from committing suicide. I was posted something in another thread (maybe P&S). I joke about my own demise. There was a guy that posted that he tried to hang himself a while ago, but the beam broke. He's happy now in hindsight that it did! I'm thinking day-em, I was worried about inability to make the noose...now I gotta worry about the beam breaking.

Fact is that NO ONE can stop us from ending our so-called life. I'm staying for now...Hope you will, too.

 

[Erikmen]

I can relate to this feeling of unhappiness when we are sober but can't find pleasure in life. I do all sort of things to get better and usually get there but if I just live naturally without having to do anything such as exercises, hobbies, family etc, these feelings come back.

A while back in my life I realized it was impossible to have a life I could live. I was intensely on meds and all I thought was how worse things were quickly turning to. But at the end and to put this really short I OD'ed, and was in a coma for 48 hours. Woke up physically disabled and this despair became even worse, and public. What I'm trying to say is that somehow I was led to believe that no matter how you do it I feel like you'll always have to confront yourself with in a parallel life where you must keep going on.

Also when you go through an important life decision like that you have no guarantees that you'll get into a better place or if everything will just be turned off. Perhaps it doesn't work like. I don't want sound cliché, but is it a risk you are willing to submit yourself to.

Actually none of that is as important as you. You are important, and I'm sure a lot of people care about you although we sometimes have trouble in seeing all of them - they are all around. Your life matters and whatever is not functioning for you right now may be much better in the near or further future. We tend to adapt to all things in life. Not only from my own experience but also from a lot of people who could not bare certain conditions and were adapted to them with time. This happens to people who live without food, or under traumatic events. I do trust that we are capable to adapt to anything and eventually this particular thing or things that are bothering you so much today will be much more bearable with due time.

Hopping for your best!
E.

 

[Moreaux]

Somnilicious -

I can relate to not not finding pleasure in life. I was desparately miserable and suicidal using, spent seven years focusing and working hard to get clean, and then got clean and then went through two years of benzo PAWS. All those years of struggling for sobriety everyone told me life is so much better sober, I was blindsided by the PAWS and more suicidal than ever. Nothing was getting better, it was just different. Different pain, different struggles but not better.

My parents stood by me through trying to get sober, and we're doing their best to support me through PAWS. They wanted nothing more than to see me get healthy, emotionally and physically. As PAWS continued to get worse I told them I'm only sticking it out for five more years, if it's not better I am going to end my suffering. It wasn't a cowardly act if I did it at the end of five years, as with those five years and the other nine years I struggled made a total of fourteen long years of hard work and struggling - that's respectable imo.

My parents weren't happy about this but agreed to it, and for the first time I felt relief that there was going to be an end to the pain - one way or another. Well, I made it through those five years. Something happened in the third year, I started feeling better. I didn't feel good, I wasn't happy, there was still an enormous amount of pain, but it was getting better and that gave me hope. It's been over six years now, and there was a brief relapse a few years ago, but I made it through. Am I happy, not all the time and I still have pain, but I have moments where I'm genuinely happy and content, and I have moments of pleasure. I never thought I would experience those feelings again, and knowing it's possible is enough for me to stick around.

Drugs and alcohol did a lot of damage to my brain. Withdrawal from benzos did serious neurological damage. I thought that damage was permenant and robbed me of the ability to feel pleasure. I was wrong - the damage isn't permenant, recovery is possible, it just takes time. I read some of your other posts and threads - 17 years on heroin, 9 years on benzos, MDMA - you've been sober for a year now, but you're no where close to being healed. Realistically, you will probably begin feeling better in another year as long as you don't take anymore benzos or other GABAergics. I know how terrible the anxiety is, and it may even get a little worse before it gets better, but IT WILL GET BETTER!

I know how much it sucks right now on so many different levels but try to hold on. Give yourself five more years. When you're anxious and low remind yourself that these feelings, this specific moment, is temporary. I wish more people in recovery were honest about how long it truly takes to get healthy - everything is not magically better once you stop using, it takes time, and in so many cases, it takes longer than a year. If there were more honesty then people would have more realistic expectations regarding early recovery and wouldn't be so devestated and disappointed when everything isn't better.

Early recovery is so difficult. You have to deal with PAWS, rebuilding your life, working to continue to resolve the underlying issues motivating your use, along with learning productive methods to coping with stress and life - that's a lot. I can't think of a more difficult time.

Keep eating healthy and exercising - that goes a long way with recovery. Unplug and take time for yourself in nature away from everything else. Learn how to breath and learn how to let go. Just walk right the fuck away from whatever is causing anxiety - if it's important you can deal with it later. Walk away and force it out of your brain. It takes some practice, but it's an invaluable skill. PAWS forced me to learn how to do it, and I suspect your present situation can teach you.

Feel free to message me if you want to talk, vent, scream - whatever.