TDS The Suicide Support Thread

[aplumgirl]

I still dream about relapsing. Sometimes, just by watching some movie scenes about drugs it already makes me a bit agitated.
I can managed it but after so long I wonder why I'm still affected by the things I watch. My wife thinks that I talk too much about it.
Part of our healing is talk about our problems and listen to everyone else's imo. But this does not work at home, not when the person you live with have gone through all the quitting part and especially the time before quitting.

Erik, I'm afraid if out brain really does somehow get rewired, how do we ever get back to normal? I'm not sure I ever was normal, but I sure wasn't so plaqued by the belief I'm truly screwed up forever!

 

[delphinen]

I tried to PM Moreaux but it gave me an error about having to delete my messages.. I don't wan't to do that, there are memories there.
Anyway, yesterday I fixed (not entirely) the super broken laptop of my grand mother and got a little cash to spend. It took me almost all the day working on the computer, which was a good thing being always on bed or playing games.
I bought some Tramadol and a box of Lorazepam. For one night and half I felt soooo good and was able to sleep like a baby. Also my cold went totally away thanks to the powerful antiemetic effect of the Tramadol. But I feel it will come back.
Today, without money again, at least to buy another box of Tramadol, bought a good amount of food. Food makes me sleepy.
I would have slept all my way up to tomorrow if not for the backpain of being so many hours in bed.

If I reach this Thursday alive I will hint at my psychiatrist I will kill myself soon.. I think she deserves to know, at least with all the paperwork I will left for them, they will remember that people do kill themselves, what do you think?

 

[Moreaux]

I still dream about relapsing. Sometimes, just by watching some movie scenes about drugs it already makes me a bit agitated.
I can managed it but after so long I wonder why I'm still affected by the things I watch. My wife thinks that I talk too much about it.
Part of our healing is talk about our problems and listen to everyone else's imo. But this does not work at home, not when the person you live with have gone through all the quitting part and especially the time before quitting.

Sorry to hear you're having troubles - this is normal. I feel like sometimes in helping others you can get to absorbed with addiction and it can be easy to stagnat or start falling back into old thoughts. That's the biggest reason why I quit going to meetings - having to focus on my specific addiction 24/7 prevented me from moving forward after a while.

I can relate to what you are saying though and have found that it's a cycle. Sometimes I get too involved in helping other people and have addiction on the brain and then I am more easily triggered so I have to take a step back. I think it's all about balance.

I have always treated the dreams as an early warning sign that I'm messing up somewhere so I examine what is going on closely. I think once you have time in sobriety it's easy to get comfortable and complacent and stuff sneaks up on you. Feel free to message me if you need someone to listen. Take care!

 

[Moreaux]

I tried to PM Moreaux but it gave me an error about having to delete my messages.. I don't wan't to do that, there are memories there.
Anyway, yesterday I fixed (not entirely) the super broken laptop of my grand mother and got a little cash to spend. It took me almost all the day working on the computer, which was a good thing being always on bed or playing games.
I bought some Tramadol and a box of Lorazepam. For one night and half I felt soooo good and was able to sleep like a baby. Also my cold went totally away thanks to the powerful antiemetic effect of the Tramadol. But I feel it will come back.
Today, without money again, at least to buy another box of Tramadol, bought a good amount of food. Food makes me sleepy.
I would have slept all my way up to tomorrow if not for the backpain of being so many hours in bed.

If I reach this Thursday alive I will hint at my psychiatrist I will kill myself soon.. I think she deserves to know, at least with all the paperwork I will left for them, they will remember that people do kill themselves, what do you think?

I think you should stick around and talk to your psychiatrist Thursdy, and let her know what's going on. I don't think think you should kill yourself. You have intelligence and a skill set that is not possessed by many people, and I think you have a bright future a head of yourself if you can get through this difficult time. I think you have a lot going for you that you don't see, granted you are not in an ideal situation right now, but circumstances will change. Getting through this time will make you a stronger more insightful person, and I bet you learn how to better manage anxiety.

What you are living through has the potential to make a profound impact on your life. People who accomplish great things often live through very difficult events - those events change their entire perspective. I think you are on that precipice of change, as long as you hold on and don't give up yet.

You need cash, why not advertise computer repair online and charge by the hour? I know where I live techs can charge up to $70 an hour, though to get more work quicker lower it to $40 an hour. Most computer issues people will bring to you will be malicious software and that stuff is fairly easy to remove.

I'm glad you got food and sleep - it's very difficult to make rational decisions when you're hungry and tired. Both can make all the difference in the world on your mood and outlook and how you cope with stress.

 

[Erikmen]

@ delphinen,
Despite of what you think about your own life, it matters for other people even if they don't seem that close to you.
I have gone through this and have had a terrible experience afterwards, I went through a coma, almost died but almost became a disabled person.
It is still a mark in my life and in my past. I remember waking up and not being able to speak or hear what people were trying to say, I thought I would never get back to normal and that freaked me out. It was a very painful experience.

To be very honest with you, I'm afraid of what may be on the other side. I got a glimpse that it could be way worse and I feel deeply grateful for having got better. Don't do it. We live in parallels lives so I was once told by a great and very close friend of mine who had gone through a very severe experience. We never know who is staying back and how our bodies will be like when this is all over.

Please try to think that people adjust and adapt to the worst situations in life and that our problems are not for life. I was in a very dark place few years ago and now I thank God, so to speak for having moved forward. My life changed, but it took forever for that to happen - so I can deeply relate to your suffering but ending your life will not end everything imo and experience.

I speak from my heart, and I believe that this too shall pass. You'll learn to love yourself so you can love others even harder and truthly.
I'm sorry you are going through all of these issues but give yourself another chance. I always tell people that if I could change anyone can. I'm not any different from most people here and I did things that surprisingly changed my life. It took time but like I said we learn to adapt, to accept and to change.

You can make it. You can do whatever you set your mind to do. I know it seems much easier to say than do but I believe I know at least a little of what you are going through. Don't hesitate to ask for help, that's what we are here for. Moreaux is a very clever and wise person, listen to her. People want to help you.

Wish you my best. Take care!
Erik

 

[delphinen]

I think you should stick around and talk to your psychiatrist Thursdy, and let her know what's going on. I don't think think you should kill yourself. You have intelligence and a skill set that is not possessed by many people, and I think you have a bright future a head of yourself if you can get through this difficult time. I think you have a lot going for you that you don't see, granted you are not in an ideal situation right now, but circumstances will change. Getting through this time will make you a stronger more insightful person, and I bet you learn how to better manage anxiety.

What you are living through has the potential to make a profound impact on your life. People who accomplish great things often live through very difficult events - those events change their entire perspective. I think you are on that precipice of change, as long as you hold on and don't give up yet.

You need cash, why not advertise computer repair online and charge by the hour? I know where I live techs can charge up to $70 an hour, though to get more work quicker lower it to $40 an hour. Most computer issues people will bring to you will be malicious software and that stuff is fairly easy to remove.

I'm glad you got food and sleep - it's very difficult to make rational decisions when you're hungry and tired. Both can make all the difference in the world on your mood and outlook and how you cope with stress.

I am very shy, I tried spreading the word that I was fixing computers in the building but since I'm on the verge of getting kicked away because of the rent, I was told to stop. So I can't even do that. There are some computer stores around here but I never worked at one, I always worked in telecommunications companies or something like that, I would have to scrape my original CV and fake a new one with other "experiences" that I truly don't have to even try getting on these stores.

But why bother? what you say is true, if I get through this, chances are I will become a stronger person.. but I won't get through, honestly, and before living in the street and dying of a mal petit seizure, I will kill myself while I have access to a high rooftop.

Thank you for your kind words.

 

[aplumgirl]

OMG! So glad to be back here! Somehow I got directed to the full site!! I'm totally unable to navigate that huge site! It wouldn't even late me reply to this thread for help. I would love someonrcto PM me as I do have ?'s related to bluelught use? Soooo glad to be back!

 

[aplumgirl]

I am very shy, I tried spreading the word that I was fixing computers in the building but since I'm on the verge of getting kicked away because of the rent, I was told to stop. So I can't even do that. There are some computer stores around here but I never worked at one, I always worked in telecommunications companies or something like that, I would have to scrape my original CV and fake a new one with other "experiences" that I truly don't have to even try getting on these stores.

But why bother? what you say is true, if I get through this, chances are I will become a stronger person.. but I won't get through, honestly, and before living in the street and dying of a mal petit seizure, I will kill myself while I have access to a high rooftop.

Thank you for your kind words.

Are you sure you can't go to inpatient treatment and then a sober living facility? At least you'd have food and a roof over your head until you detox and find work?

What you comtimplate is not reversible. In 2014 I swallowed over 150 pills, I woke up and am glad, most days! I too posted here about suicide. I know the despair. It can and will pass. If you think you're at your bottom try to believe you can go up out of the darkness.

Just my thoughts!

 

[Moreaux]

I am very shy, I tried spreading the word that I was fixing computers in the building but since I'm on the verge of getting kicked away because of the rent, I was told to stop. So I can't even do that. There are some computer stores around here but I never worked at one, I always worked in telecommunications companies or something like that, I would have to scrape my original CV and fake a new one with other "experiences" that I truly don't have to even try getting on these stores.

But why bother? what you say is true, if I get through this, chances are I will become a stronger person.. but I won't get through, honestly, and before living in the street and dying of a mal petit seizure, I will kill myself while I have access to a high rooftop.

Thank you for your kind words.

Are there websites that you can use to advertise your skill? We have a site called craigslist.com where you can advertise what you do and what you charge - that way more people will see it.

You will get through this if you want to. It may not be easy or enjoyable, but it will pass. I really share aplumgirl's thoughts - going to rehab would be a quick solution and it would give you a chance to focus on getting healthy.

You said you're shy, which I can relate to as I am painfully shy as well, but that also means that you're probably very isolated which will keep you in that dark depressed state. Even if you don't feel like it, force yourself to go for a walk out and about for an hour - maybe go to a coffee shop and get a cup and hang out in the shop. You don't have to directly interact with anybody, just being around other people helps pull your thoughts outside of yourself. It's very easy to get stuck in a depressive downward spiral when you isolate and being around people can fix that. I say this from experience. I prefer not to be around many people, but before I got married I would go weeks at a time without leaving my house or interacting with anyone in person. It was during those times I had some of the darkest thoughts I've ever had in my life. Getting out would allow me to break that cycle.

There are millions of ways to kill yourself - don't put a time limit on it such as doing it before you move because you have access to the roof. There is no hurry to commit suicide. I really think you should explore all your options before making that decision as it is permenant. There is also a chance that you could live after jumping off the roof, and most likely that would mean your life is worse than it is now.

 

[aplumgirl]

My daughter starts kindergarten in 2 weeks, I'm afraid that I'm not strong enough yet to be "there" for her. I'm surely capable of doing the mechanics of picking her up and getting home, but honestly I slept ALL day yesterday, I didn't take anything, but if I had had to pick her up or something I couldn't have! I had been awake more or less since Friday and my body just crashed. I know it's part of the bipolar cycling, but I'm truly afraid! What if it happens again and I can't function?

 

[Erikmen]

Sorry to hear you're having troubles - this is normal. I feel like sometimes in helping others you can get to absorbed with addiction and it can be easy to stagnat or start falling back into old thoughts. That's the biggest reason why I quit going to meetings - having to focus on my specific addiction 24/7 prevented me from moving forward after a while.

I can relate to what you are saying though and have found that it's a cycle. Sometimes I get too involved in helping other people and have addiction on the brain and then I am more easily triggered so I have to take a step back. I think it's all about balance.

I have always treated the dreams as an early warning sign that I'm messing up somewhere so I examine what is going on closely. I think once you have time in sobriety it's easy to get comfortable and complacent and stuff sneaks up on you. Feel free to message me if you need someone to listen. Take care!

Thanks a lot Moreaux! Indeed, I've noticed this cycle and have even questioned if I'm mildly BP. Most of the time I'm pretty determined and get a sense of total resolution but when I start to dream and think about things I'm normally done with I get that something is happening.

I believe it's a good thing I can sort of feel when I'm not okay so I can search for support on time. I had this image of different scenarios where I saw myself totally free of these thoughts after so long but I think my 'demons' will follow me for the rest of my life. It only sounds bad but it's actually pretty normal, people with diabetes or kidney issues also need to take care of their habits permanently.

I guess that as long as I can share my concerns I'll be fine. Small things like that is sort of tabu in my family and it can raise unpleasant conversations so I rely a lot on being able to talk to people here, people who maybe be different than me but quite similar sometimes. That is pretty relieving.

Thanks!!

 

[Captain.Heroin]

within 1 minute I went from happy to panicking and wanting to kill myself

really fucking stressed, suicidal ideation at 100%

 

[Moreaux]

within 1 minute I went from happy to panicking and wanting to kill myself

really fucking stressed, suicidal ideation at 100%

These feelings are temporary and will pass CH. Take deep slow breaths and step back from the situation for a moment. You got this!

 

[aplumgirl]

within 1 minute I went from happy to panicking and wanting to kill myself

really fucking stressed, suicidal ideation at 100%

I will talk to you. I'm a very panicky person due to bipolar disorder. If you need someone to listen, I will

 

[aplumgirl]

These feelings are temporary and will pass CH. Take deep slow breaths and step back from the situation for a moment. You got this!

Moreaux, if you could PM CH. I sent him a reply to his and forgot about the restrictions on sending 1 message per 180 minutes. What a shame, I wanted to help.

 

[Moreaux]

My daughter starts kindergarten in 2 weeks, I'm afraid that I'm not strong enough yet to be "there" for her. I'm surely capable of doing the mechanics of picking her up and getting home, but honestly I slept ALL day yesterday, I didn't take anything, but if I had had to pick her up or something I couldn't have! I had been awake more or less since Friday and my body just crashed. I know it's part of the bipolar cycling, but I'm truly afraid! What if it happens again and I can't function?

You have two weeks before you have to deal with it - a lot can happen between now and then. Everything you are working so hard on now is in the best interest of your daughter. If you're not able to do everything at once that is okay, you're doing the best you can. Eventually you will feel better and the better you feel the more you can do.

My Mother was bed ridden the first 10 years of my life with mono, hepatitis, and pneumonia. The doctors didn't think she would survive. There was a lot that she couldn't do, but I cherish the special times that we did share when she was feeling well enough to get out of bed. I think with kids quality time is more significant than the amount of time.

You live with her so she has the security of your presence. She's not going to focus on or remember the times you couldn't pick her up, she's going to remember the times you did. The relationship will adapt to what you are capable of doing, and that is what she will remember - the special moments you will share. If you don't have the strength to pick her up than have her join you in bed and snuggle - talk to her and stroke her hair or face. That's what my Mom used to do for me. I'm almost 40 and when I've been extremely ill my Mom to this day will lay down with me and stroke my face. I fall asleep almost instantly lol. I could care lass that she didn't hold me as kid.

Try not to worry, you don't need the additional stress. Your daughter loves you and you guys will do fine when she goes back to school.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Moreaux, if you could PM CH. I sent him a reply to his and forgot about the restrictions on sending 1 message per 180 minutes. What a shame, I wanted to help.

Just knowing you read and replied helped me so much thank you

Also, because I'm a moderator (a senior moderator at that ) you can PM us whenever.

The 1x message every 180 minutes only applies to other Bluelighters/Greenlighters.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

My daughter starts kindergarten in 2 weeks, I'm afraid that I'm not strong enough yet to be "there" for her. I'm surely capable of doing the mechanics of picking her up and getting home, but honestly I slept ALL day yesterday, I didn't take anything, but if I had had to pick her up or something I couldn't have! I had been awake more or less since Friday and my body just crashed. I know it's part of the bipolar cycling, but I'm truly afraid! What if it happens again and I can't function?

Then you'll do your best, and things will fall in place. When you set off with the right intentions, everything seems to work out

I'll be keeping you and your daughter in my thoughts; congrats on her starting kindergarten!!

 

[aplumgirl]

Just knowing you read and replied helped me so much thank you

Also, because I'm a moderator (a senior moderator at that ) you can PM us whenever.

The 1x message every 180 minutes only applies to other Bluelighters/Greenlighters.

I certainly tried to reply. I was given that error and have been frantically posting for the last hour to upgrade my status. Silly huh?

If you still need PM, then tell me where to contact you as a mod. Sadly I'm more of a reader here and not too "hip" to procedures.

All for one and one for all man.

 

[aplumgirl]

Just knowing you read and replied helped me so much thank you

Also, because I'm a moderator (a senior moderator at that ) you can PM us whenever.

The 1x message every 180 minutes only applies to other Bluelighters/Greenlighters.

I made it up to 24 posts from 9 in one hour. I'm so sorry I don't know how to contact you without timing out.

I added you as a friend, thinking that might allow me access but alas, no help. I'm using mobile version so that might hamper my attempts.

I'm thinking if you and your situation. I'll post to you later when I am allowed.