I've never stopped.
Years and years ago now when I was getting clean I felt that if that sobriety didn't stick and I started using again that I wouldn't be able to get away again. Maybe it was some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy, but I started getting back again way back in summer. Not this past summer that was 8 months ago, but the SUMMER OF 2012! Since early summer 2012 I haven't had more than a full week away from heroin (and was on suboxone on the rare non-using day). Over these past several years I've only gone more than 4 days away twice! Haven't gone more than 3 days straight without using in at least 2 years.
I was always the type of person to save money and didn't impulse buy and would barely ever splurge. Considering I started working when I was 13 years old I just always had at least some money. I've been broke for a while now. Not just broke, but in debt and have lost several cool and sometimes sentimental items to pawn shops. Being this broke definitely effects your self-esteem and self-worth in a way that I hadn't fully understood until I found myself in that position.
I have no social life, don't go on Facebook or even want to see anyone I know. I don't have any real friends any more. They've all moved on, literally and figuratively. I'm the least successful of anyone that was in our group. I barely have any "drug friends". It's just me and time is going by. I'm a background character in my own life story.
When I had been starting to get bad again all those summers ago I hadn't really lost much yet. I missed hanging out with a friend before he was going to live in Massachusetts to start a new job. Kind of blew him off to get high instead. Wanted to call him so I could apologize. Wanted to make sure we were still cool and see if I could come up soon and check out bars/social scene in his new town. I never talked to him again though. He killed himself. As far as I know he killed himself thinking that I didn't care about him or didn't consider him a good friend. Had known him for 14 years at that point, met on the first day of 7th grade. He was one of the few friends that I thought I would always continue to see or at least talk to even when we were adults. I always had this dream of us coaching a track team together and becoming a powerhouse program.
I absolutely loved track and competitive running in general. I can't watch it anymore. I've tried, it actually hurts. Since I've never gotten clean since he died I have never finished processing his death. I'm sure there was a number of things that were going on in his life that he felt he couldn't continue. I just am always going to think that him thinking I didn't care may have been one of the nails in the coffin. It might have come among a flurry of other issues, and if I had just gone out and met him that night or called him sooner, it might have been enough for him to not go through it.
When I do occasionally have a few days on sub my sober mind returns. My sober mind thinks its 2012. I can't explain this clearly, but it feels like I had years stolen away from me. I missed the end of my 20s and am in my early 30s now and am every single thing I never wanted to be. Other than my dog I really only have drugs in my life at this point. It's really shitty to actually be a loser. Even if I do get clean I have to deal with feeling like I've been robbed of 5 years and I have to explain to people why I am where I am at this age.
I'm a drain on everyone around me. I honestly don't remember what it's like to not have to worry about getting sick if I don't have drugs or to have multiple nights in a row where I'm not dope sick. I can remember being younger and being happy. I can't remember the last time I was happy though. It's not just the depression, it's the total lack of pride, lack of confidence, lack of any self-worth or self-respect.
TLDR: It's not worth reading. I'm not looking for any replies and I don't want anyone to waste their time reading this, much less responding to it. Just needed to vent