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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT

Venting The Vent/Rant Thread Vs. You Silly KnuckleHeads Can Go Fly a Kite!!

^ Sounds awful best of luck. If your in the USA double best of luck.
Also if your in the USA hope you have good insurance!
Best wishes hydro, remember your posts from quite some time ago.

Anyways, as for my rant.
How the hell do you figure deal with a million stressful things when...

Your medications get cut off, your w/d'ing off multiple substances you've been on high doses of;
for long periods of time.
And to top it off you have the most important appts. of your life coming up within the next week to 2.
Disability Hearing, Doctors Appointments that might actually have a chance at giving you a life, etc.
But no, your doctor knowing this decides to completely fuck you.
Also to boot your doctor decides to ignore your life threatening conditions & just get you off your;
controlled substances ASAP.

FUCK THE MEDICAL SYSTEM IN THE USA!

Good luck Hydro, Hoping your not in the USA.
 
Can't cope with this constant irritability. It's like everything n everyone is irritating me, I feel irritable all the time over the slightest things n cant seem to concentrate / focus on things. I feel like I'm turning thick or what the hell is wrong with me. Getting up in the mornings is a major effort n I just feel useless n guilty for feeling like this. Also feel anxious about the future n stuff. Doing stuff in the garden to make myself feel useful I just dont know what the hells going on :(

Evey
 
To the mod that started this thread.
You might be my hero. Not only for your statement above either. Your login name rocks and so does your avatar.

But I'm making a ship off this rock, going to call it Big Pharma Gone.
 
Was all excited that I got the judge I wanted for my Disability Hearing...
Then my lawyer calls to coach me for hearing tomorrow.
He brings up a bunch of old shit I never even though about.
As I never imagined it could effect my case or would even come up.
Stupid stupid shit, & now I'm upset, having a panic attack.
Also no idea how to handle meds/food/sleep/night, let alone going to hearing tomorrow morning.

Fuck the system in general I guess. To upset to even vent properly.
 
nuttynutskin said:
I really despise nosy people that feel the need to be involved in everything even when it doesn't concern them and give their unwarranted opinion, then get pissed off when they aren't listened to. Yes, I'm talking about a family member.
Click to expand...
sounds like one of my relatives lol. Nosy and feel that he's above everyone else!
 
Well had hearing today. Gonna vent about the system some more.
It's a fucking DISABILITY HEARING. It lasts like an hour (average is 2-10 minutes at this place).

90% of questions are about how I came up positive for cannabis but negative for other medications.
Note that this is on a 10 year old drug test.
That the doctor at the time told me that it must be wrong & to ignore it.
Apparently he still put it in the records & has since retired. He did cut off my medications.
But he was retiring & I was going to a new GP so we never bothered to do a re-test.
Who would of thought 10 years later that bites me in the ass, as it affected nothing at the time.
Hell Pain Management saw it, took me right in started me right up didn't give a fuck.
So after my recent "suicidide attempt" I also came up positive for cannabis.

Won't happen again as after the hospital worked me over lungs are shot & so is my heart.
Have an appointment with thoracic & cardiologist as damage is so bad.
Note that I had 0 problems in either regard before the hospital got to me.
So he asks me if I used since that 10 years ago & I say I don't recall as well I didn't.
I forgot that I smoked that night as well I popped so much shit I don't recall a damn thing.

So long story short we spend 45 minutes discussing whether I've smoked pot more than twice.
The 2nd time I was so fucked up on everything trying to make life & the pain end that I didn't remember.
"Honestly your honor as you can see by the medications I overdosed on that I really don't recall."
"Well I recall waking up in the hospital, but beyond that nothing else."
"As such I apologize that I can't give you a better answer but it's very possible I consumed cannabis that night,"
"However, as I have no recollection of said night I can't confirm that.
though the test results seem to indicate that."

"Could you be more specific?" says the judge.

"Considering the test results I would say that I likely did consume cannabis that night,
but I honestly can't recall."
"Without the actual recollection I hesitate to confirm or deny.
"But based on the evidence I will say yes your Honor."
"I did consume cannabis along with all the other substances I consumed.
"But I must state that I don't recall doing so."
"Is that to your satisfaction? As I honestly do not recall well enough to give you specifics."

"Yes that is a good enough answer for the court as you seem to be doing your best to answer honesty."
so says the Judge.

It was laughable. He didn't seem to care either way, seemed like he just was killing time.
As he didn't wanna deal with the next guy & I was clean cut & polite.
My lawyer basically said that the judge was known for fucking around like that about stupid shit.
And that the vocational expert saying I had a 0% chance of getting a job.
Or ever being able to do one should be what matters.

So just hoping everyone was telling the truth, as the whole thing has been so many lies & such a joke.
So that's my rant, the whole medical/disability/psych/system it's all one laughable joke.
Someone that's actually disabled with tons of documented physical & mental issues gets hassled.
About a drug test that wasn't accurate from 10 years ago. :!

So ridiculous, oh well least I think I might still win, I have to.
Or I'm fucked for life as I'm truly incapable of working, my probs legit sadly enough.
Really don't wanna go back to the hustling thing & gonna be busy enough trying to get my PM back.
As GP won't do it after the whole "suicide attempt" thing.
Taught me my lesson about trying to get help quicker, don't just wait & suffer.

Apparently you just gotta spend years & years waiting on specialists & rotting in the meantime.
Oh well, least specialists are coming up & I might win this & have a chance at life.
As I don't mind calling it quits if it's my choice.
But I don't wanna be forced to off my self by circumstance. :\

Trolled by a Administrative Law Judge, who would have thought...
 
My little rant... I can't say it to his face so maybe this will make me feel a little better.

"Fuck you. You pretend to be my brother, but you're barely even human. And why are you bleeding me dry after I've done so much for you? Not that this particular thing feels like much of a favor now, but I brought you dope for months and now you dangle this shit in my face like I'm not supposed to want it and when I cave you wag a finger at me with one hand and empty my wallet with the other. I mean, I know you've got to get yours, but don't act like you're trying to help me. In fact, I suspect you never cared about my recovery, you just wanted me out of the way so you could get a firmer foothold. Then you parade around like life is fucking grand and you're on top of the world, and why am I being such a bummer?... well, my life has been tough lately, and you're not making it any easier. I'm sick of your disingenuous optimism, your false praise and encouragement. I'm honestly glad the last thing you want is for me to relapse - that would ruin your precious little hustle - but you could be a little less obvious about how fucking selfish and hedonistic you're being. Stop striking up conversations, rattling off your stoned, shallow little piece, then nodding off when I try to reply. Stop waking me up in the morning stomping around recklessly and slamming doors cause you're in a rush to go score. Stop making trivial small talk with me in the middle of the night when you're feeling bubbly and chatty cause you just caught a mean rush. But don't leave me alone, I could use a friend right now :(."

fuck. I know I need to rise above this bullshit, but part of me wants to stick around and slap some people. I've been doing so well and I've been responsible with my maintenance despite a brief slip that was physically easy to bounce back from, but it left me fucking enraged. I'm sick of turning the other cheek... but that's what I'll have to do if I want to transcend this madness. Damn. I guess it's kind of like dying - you can't take anything (or anyone) with you to the other side (and you can't really reach an arm back through the portal to crack a few heads either... it'll just end up with a needle in it). I'm learning

[edit: Sorry to carry on. I try not to bring too much personal shit here (I mean, it's all very personal, but I guess it's good to evaluate what's pertinent). You guys can't hold my hand every time I get a boo-boo, but there's a great secondary support system at work here - one that might stop listening if I spout too much irrelevant garbage. Thanks]
 
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Evey,

When you've been through a lot of distress with people who show little compassion or understanding, of course you are going to believe that this is how all people will behave towards you. Even when potentially, benign situations present themselves, you're so sensitive to warning signs that you will find the darker side and this is all to protect yourself.

I was just thinking about how difficult a time I have with trusting others, let alone myself, recently.
I know why, it's valid but I battle trying to justify it to myself - which makes me feel very insecure.

The paradox lies in the fact that any mistrust; built to protect ourselves, is usually a very valid, mind-saving behaviour but it's a double-edged sword - it lets nothing/anyone worth trusting in, either. Trying to rise above the bitterness, when you're stuck in it seems impossible but if you yield to the pain - it gets clearer, I find.

Maybe start to focus solely on yourself, when people let you down, it's because they cannot give you what you need because simply, they dont have the capacity and coming to terms with that -although extremely difficult - is very freeing...you realize that the problem really has nothing to do with you at all.
Sometimes, in the future, you may find an uncannily, similar situation; where you recognise that sense of aloneness/abandonment; you recognise it in yourself or in someone else and then, you understand that what you LACKED is in your capability to create; therefore you create the thing you needed for yourself. It just takes a lot of patience and acceptance which is tremendously testing.
Life and people can appear so superficial and a lot of the time it can be just that; people are stupefied by the games they play, we all get stuck on the surface sometimes but that doesn't mean that that's all there is to all people.

I don't know if that makes any sense to you but hope it does.


Hydro:
So sorry to hear you're going through such a frightening, thing H :/
Is there anyone you can contact to get in touch with, or intercept on your behalf w/ re. to a doctor/consultant?



Please keep us updated about your situation.♡


* am typing on phone which is awkward so excuse crappy, message layout etc
 
@Colonel Contin I spout far to much shit, as you've seen by my novels.
I really hope that people are listening though I rarely get replies or even more rarely PM's.
If it's any consolation I'm listening.
You can carry on as long as you want. Hell post a book, I'll read it & give a shit.

I am not you so I can't know exactly where your coming from...
But I have a friend with a brother who is quite similar to the situation you describe.
So I think I have at least a basic understanding.
I feel for you, I really do, it's a terrible situation to be in.

I wish you the best & sincerely hope you do your best in your recovery.
I also hope that the bullshit your being put through comes to an end.

My problems are a bit different as I'm trying to stay on Opiates/Benzo's.
After being cut off by GP due to a stupid "suicide attempt" I'm sure if you've read;
my posts you know my saga by now...

Regardless I have genuine physical/mental problems & have been on them for so long that
I honestly don't think that it would be better to be off.
The pain & GI issues alone would do me in, let alone the exacerbation of my mental issues.
Though they weren't to big an issue till the hospital stay, now there a lot worse.

Though I still believe the mental issues stem mostly from physical issues.
Even though a psych might disagree with my history & the fact I was abused as a child.
But I digress, getting off why I was posting, sorry half sick ATM.

I just wanna re-iterate that if you ever need to talk or anything you can PM me.
Like I said post a book, I will read it, I give a shit even if I'm just some guy on BL.
Hope that means at least something to you.
As I know that when I've been at my lowest just having someone on here give a shit;
has meant the difference between me offing myself & continuing my miserable existence.

So yeah, guess that kinda sums it up. PM me if that would help, or post a book.
Either way, at least you know you got someone listening.

As for my rant, just sick of the same old routine.
Not gonna get into it ATM as it'll just annoy me more & trying to calm down.
Hoping the little bit of shit I have to taper with & my new Neurontin script will help a bit.

Fuck PA MEDICAID! :X

That can be my rant, as I want my fucking Lyrica, Neurontin isn't the same & doesn't help;
with the nerve pain half as much. Besides the dose is to fucking low.
Regardless it's better than nothing. So I guess I should be grateful. 8)
 
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Cousin od'ed and died today :( opiates taking over my family and friends(and me). Never been so... whatever the fuck im feeling right now.

RIP J I love you!!!!
 
can some tell me why i am in the wrong when iv got a fucking child molester living next door to me for kicking of on him now i am looking at get sectioned because of this sick bastard

and the police wonder why i have such a problem with them sicko bastards in to children and im in the wrong here no i am not sick fucks letting him live next door to me and then protecting him like this by trying to lock me up
 
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Thats awful, Foolsy. And I agree with you wholeheartedly. They are protected in this country - and it's so bloody wrong.

Evey
 
i am going end up having a fucking heart attack because of this one thing after another just lately and its all because of Gary Sanderson the local child molester and drugs baron thinks he can go round gloating that i got raped bragging that he is untouchable and will do what he no nonce you wont and the fucking police wont deal with you i will you destroyed my life Gary with your bullshit and iv had enough
 
oh man, this thread can help put it in perspective. that's a cliche thing to say, but true.

i'm sorry for your loss, Zi3m.

Colonel Contin, you have my empathy. i hope you and your brother are able to reestablish each other as priority.

best to you with your medical problem as well, IS.

foolsgold, best in finding some peace.

and damn, Asclepius. it's so nice to hear from you. your kind words made me tear up a bit. it is very scary. and i feel very alone about it. because i have mental health issues, it's hard to tell when that's the source of my problems or when there is a real external problem. sorry to hear you've been having trouble trusting yourself as well. it makes it very difficult to communicate with others when you need help. i am in the process of finding a doctor, but it is difficult and the soonest appointment i've been able to find is a month out. and that's just to see the gp, who i imagine will not ultimately be the one able to help. so i have a bit longer to endure, which is life.

i am stressed. it makes me not loving. or unable to show that love. man, i just yelled at these kids. pulling out of my parents' driveway, there was a car parked on the side of their little 6 house road. it was raining so i couldn't see in their window and didn't stop. but i knew there were teenagers in that car. probably waiting for their weed guy, just like we did in high school. it's not safe to buy drugs on that street; it's a bunch of rich old people who will call the police in half a second. a family member of mine just completed felony diversion and is living with my parents, and i don't want the police responding to drug activity on that street. so i threw it in reverse and rolled down my window and asked a couple little teenage boys looking like they turned 16 this morning, "are you all sitting here waiting to buy drugs?" they were extremely nervous, calling me either "sir" or "ma'am," and said they were just looking for something to do and making calls trying to figure it out. the rain kicked up and i didn't wanna have my window open or make them keep theirs, so i said "don't be buying drugs on this street. i'm not fucking around." dude, why did i not just say, "ok, that's fine, but if you are here for drugs you need to know this is not a safe place and any car that pulls in and sees you here will call the police." they are just kids on a saturday. like i used to be. and there actually is a chance that they were just making calls and trying to figure out a place to hang out. we did that too. we also got yelled at for it by crazy old people. i don't know. it didn't make them feel good, and there was no reason for that. i care about them. i don't want those kids getting arrested for something so stupid. i was mean because i thought it was for the best. but i wasn't thinking clearly and could have accomplished the same thing without being aggressive making them feel shitty. they gave a meek "alright" and i told them to have a good day before driving off, but it was too late to salvage decent interaction. what bullshit, some random person makes them roll down their window and yells at them. showing love to your fellow human beings is the most important thing. i wanted to protect them and my family, and i'm not thinking straight because i'm stressed. i'll never see them again and can never make amends, but i'm really sorry for being mean. i hope they quickly laughed it off, moved on, and that they enjoy their saturday.
 
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^you're going to take this experience with you and fold it in to your future approach, I can tell. I'd be willing to bet that, as people get older, the actions they take in the name of protecting others slowly become detached from the sincere intent at their core and begin to sound more and more like 'bitching'. At first, you are those kids in the car waiting to buy drugs, then when you're older and a little wiser you're telling them "hey, this spot is hot, you should probably head down to the park", and a little further down the road "if you are here for drugs you need to know this is not a safe place and any car that pulls in and sees you here will call the police", then "don't be buying drugs on this street. i'm not fucking around", and finally "I'm calling the fucking police". People seem to become bitter as they repeat their experiences, especially if the gesture seems futile. At least you are conscious of your motivations. As long as you don't detach yourself from your decency and you keep in touch with that essence of compassion and empathy that is obviously in you, I think you're entitled to have a bad day. The scary thing about those types of experiences is that it becomes difficult to see yourself in them, and then you're left wondering "who the hell am I?" or "what have I become?".
 
@ Colonel Contin Very insightful, a very introspective thought inducing post.
Much appreciated. It makes me think a bit about some actions I've taken lately.

@hydro Thanks for the kind words they are much appreciated.
I tend to post novels & as such often don't get any response.
The fact that I know at least 1 person is paying attention & cares means a lot to me.
Thanks again, actually brought a tear to my emotional withdrawing eye.
Really appreciate it & I wish you the best in your situation as well.

As for venting or ranting I think I just did enough of that in the PM Mega Thread.
Kinda went off on TLB for posting what I thought was negative.
Maybe I went a bit far after reading C Contin's post & thinking about it.
But I guess I'd have to think about it more.
As I feel the PM Mega Thread has no place for negativity.

Anyways, thanks again to those that do take the time to read my novels.
As it means the world that someone cares, as ATM the people on BL are pretty much;
all that I've got outside of my girl, but she's got Mental Issues & is in a bad place herself.
So I can't really talk to her or explain my problems to her as she has enough of her own.

Hell she hid on the floor when landlord came by & ended up calling social services to;
help her call him & explain that she was having issues.
Just so hoping I get my Disability & get my meds back, or somehow get my physical issues fixed.
As I really need to do both to be able to move back in with her & help her out.
As IMHO that's what she really needs, as her huge downward slide started when she had me;
move out for a "week".
Which was because of my health issues as she needed a break from them.
Turned into basically until I get Disability & get my health figured out.
That's a hard one for me as well, as all I wanna do is go help her now, but it's not an option.
So I guess that's my rant for the thread ATM.

Wanna help my girl but circumstances in every way they possibly can prevent it. :X
 
^I like your 'novels' and have been following your 'saga'. The vent/rant thread seems like a good fit for you. Don't be discouraged if people don't communicate consistently, it doesn't mean they aren't reading. The point of venting and ranting is to get it all out. I've noticed people in this thread don't interject too much.
 
^ Good to hear. Thanks for the input.
At least that's something positive ATM.
Gotta try & call & talk to my girl & pretend everything's alright.
Kinda hard when your in so much pain your doubled over at the keyboard.
So wish me luck.

Fuck my doctor.
Fuck the medical system in the USA.
Fuck the fact that I followed the fucking rules, took my shit as prescribed;
& still got royally fucked in the end.

Fuck the fact the only way to end this hell is to go in the other room get a fucking rig;
grab a Dilaudid & hope to fuck my shaking ass can hit what the hospital trashed.
And I'm not gonna fucking do it as it'd just be relief & I gotta save that relief for
getting shit done. Fuck this situation.

Instead I'll take my ER taper bullshit & wait 4 hours shaking in bed till maybe I can
sleep for a few miserable hours before I do it all again.
Eventually I gotta pick a day to pincushion myself & get some shit I need done, done.
But damn it, I don't wanna have to do it. If only I didn't shake 24/7. :(

Guess that's my rant, hope it isn't skirting any rules, never sure in here.
It sure isn't glorifying anything as it's fucking hell.
I'd give anything to go back to before I had major pain & GI problems.
Who would have thought I'd fall apart at 25, I sure didn't.
But as they say life ain't fair. :\

Guess I'll try & make that call...
Wish me luck, as sadly enough she can read me like a book.
I just can't seem to lie to the only person I care about.
God do I wish I could though, as I hate for her to know how much I hurt. :(
 
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