Alright there is a lot going on for a long time so I'll try to sum this up to vent properly - using words here rather than being stuck frustrated and ultimately condemning myself to into some self absorbed depressed and angry mood I don't want to fall into.
I'm in my late twenties, living with my parents, my younger brother moved back home with his girlfriend, and I've been using for many years. I've struggled here and there, clean then not clean - but I (especially when I'm clean, and attempting to do whatever it is I'm doing - still don't exactly know) can never get the momentum going without being battered down by, as of late, my brother for example. For a while it was my dad - I was sober & working full time but needed a ride to work (which wasn't out of his way and my hours lined up with his) - however after time went by it became 'an issue' as if I had any other options because I'd obviously be taking them.
That's when it all starts again - it's like back to either causing issues/problems with me because there aren't any anymore (because I'm not using) and that's exactly what happened tonight with my brother. However he has been an arse lately to everyone, maybe it's his new job I don't know, but he's particularly hard on me and brought things up from my past that he said hurt him out of no where, from a conversation about how he should have walked the dog. It's just too much for me - it's the type of situation where if I don't listen I get shit for it - if I stay and listen I don't want to hear and I am beyond words in an emotional state that I can't handle. I had to verbally tell him that if he keeps up with this I don't think I will be able to keep myself from hitting him. I've never been a violent in my life, at all - but as of the past 2-3 weeks he's been saying and doing this so contradicting to his words & actions it's become what I feel may be my only outlet - so I said it to him that he cannot do this because you're putting me in a awkward position.
I've let him hit me before because I know he needed to vent - but I don't think I want to know what it would be like to hit him - with reason behind the punch. I would only ever defend myself in life, and I really just am very frustrated.
I don't blame anyone for where I am or what is going on with me I don't sit around and complain, however I am aware of that I do neglect others who care dire for me when I decide to use (at least in their eyes). I'm not trying to kill myself, I'm not depressed, sometimes I just like to get high. In the right circumstances I wouldn't 'use' at all - however I don't see a life where I don't use or have the ability to maintain a healthy lifestyle whilst the consideration of using a drug is in the cards. I feel all this and my family knows it, whilst they go on about "how I should be feeling" or "how I should be planning for what I will do to not use" - it's sickening to me because at the end of the day I haven't been using (not lately at all) - and I really could care less.
Point blank people have issues and for a long time I made my mistakes, I now feel more like the patsy in the family then anything else - and me becoming sober for such a reason (to stop this being a possible outlet, would only prevail the misconstrued concept that it was always my fault).
Thanks for reading (or not) either way needed to vent
-dp
