Misc Really BAd Kratom UEI addiction HELP

[DogLover123757]

Have you ever withdrawn from any opiates before? For me it was just like when I came off of percocets. So it was all the usual opiate withdrawal symptoms. When the Loperamide took effect it completely wiped out the physical side but it didn't help me mentally. So I didn't have the chills, vomiting, diarrhea, RLS, shakes and restlessness etc. I just felt completely empty, burnt, hopeless, sad and lost. I felt like a complete waste and a loser just without the physical agony. As difficult as it will be try to make sure you eat healthy whenever you can. Even just protein shakes or smoothies. And as I am sure you already know, exercise or any sort of physical activity is extremely helpful. I couldn't do any of that until the second week, but it really helps.

 

[CfZrx]

Hi UEI fiends!!! Somehow when I stopped, I had no wds. But I wasted hundreds of $ on a leaf habit. It is very degrading, and the fear that it would be outlawed and leave me sick was always there. Just switch to plain leaf, and when your down to 3 teaspoons a day or so, order some shitty bulk kratom, I bet you will slowly lose interest If u keep the potent shit around it will be too hard ime

 

[UEIfiend]

Thanks guys,

Dog lover, I really appreciate your insight. You are right, I am thankful every day that I still have a great job and haven't managed to jeopardize it with this addiction. I also have a great wife and while I feel terrible about lying to her all these years (she has no idea about this addiction, or the money that I've spent), but she's very good to me. I realize I didn't mention it before, but I also have a beautiful, smart, funny, and hilarious 2 1/2-year-old little girl. I love being a dad and I would jump in Front of a bullet for her in a second. She and my wife are my primary motivation for getting this thing kicked.

Since the UEI went bad, I have been taking the replacement extract. Yes, it's about the same price, and no it doesn't give me any euphoria to speak of, just give me a slight fuzzy feeling, but it does keep the withdrawals at bay

While transitioning over to it about a month ago I did go through about four days of withdrawals, mostly just be crawling out of your skin feeling and anxiety. I wonder if having gone through those light withdrawls and having only been on this for new stuff for a month or so may help me out. Meaning, I wonder if because the alkaloids are different in the new stuff if it's going to be more like coming off of a one-month habit instead of a two-year habit. Probably just trying to spin it positive. I guess we will see later today.

I do have a lot of loperamide, but that really does scare me. Taking any medication like that it in a dosage so much higher than intended worries the hell out of me. I know that's ironic since I was taking so much of the UEI and given the fact that there are no controls on what is in it and it was probably much more dangerous. But the high dose loperamide still really worries me. I'll do it if I have to, but I'm hoping that if I combine lower doses of it along with the other medications my doctor gave me that I can avoid going to the level of taking 40 pills a day.

Given the horror stories out there about loperamide, I'm wondering if I could use the tramadol to the same effect by using a much more normal dose of that. If anybody has experience using tramadol for withdrawals please let me know what you think?

I don't have any other history of opiate withdrawals. I know somebody else asked that question. In the past. when I've gotten the prescription for oxycodone for pain I've used it recreationally until the bottle was gone but never really got hooked on it.

I don't really have any history of depression, and before I got hooked on the stuff I was pretty happy and loving life. I really feel for you dog lover, this is hard enough to go through without having existing problems like that reemerge after the crutch is gone. I really hope you were honest with your doctor and are getting the support and medication that you need to help with those.

I do still have about 50 g of the replacement extract as well as another 50 g of some extremely strong extract and I've had for about a year that never felt particularly pleasurable so I never took it. I'm worried this is a mistake, but I'm going to take it with me. I'm just so worried about being in a withdrawal situation where I honestly feel like I'm going to die and I'm truly worried about that happening and won't have anything to stop it. I'm sure that's the addict in me rationalizing but it is what it is. If I feel like I am at risk of taking it but don't feel like I am taking it because I think my life is threatened that I hope I have the willpower to flush it down the toilet at the hotel.

Anyway, I just took about half of my normal morning dose and headed into work. I just got to get through the morning and drive a couple hours to the hotel. By the time I get there I will probably at least starting to feel the R want to crawl out of my skin feeling pretty significantly.

Kind of like you, not being able to sleep is extremely hard on me, I've never really had insomnia problems but I get so unhappy and frustrated when I even have a slight problem falling asleep or when I get a short night of sleep. I'm worried that even a couple of nights of no sleep in a row will cause me to go crazy. I'm also really worried that I won't be well enough by Saturday and will go home and be a dick to my wife and daughter whom I am always extremely patient with and am almost always a great dad and husband. I don't want them to have to suffer because of my stupid ass mistake.

I'll keep everyone updated later today and if anyone has any other advice, and especially any thoughts on how to use the medications that I have available most effectively, speak up. Just talking to people on here has been helping my fear.

 

[UEIfiend]

It's funny, now that I am trying to quit I keep thinking back to how ridiculous my behavior has been in chasing the euphoria I originally felt when taking the stuff.

Kratom was outlawed in my state about a year ago, so I've actually been having my weekly order shipped to a FedEx location in the next state over and then driving two hours to pick it up. I remember the sheer terror and panic that I felt when my supplier wasn't able to fill my order and how I had to ration my dose to get through an additional two days while I figured out where I could have it shipped to and how to make the correct arrangements etc.

Before that happened, I even rented a mailbox and had my stuff shipped there so that nobody would find out. I just can't believe the crazy lengths I went to and the money I spent and the inconveniences that I was willing to deal with in order to get a drug that barely even gave me any euphoria anymore but was just using to keep from getting sick. Crazy.

I do think I have a very addictive personality. I've struggled with alcohol my whole life, and have quit drinking several times. The first time doing inpatient detox, the second time finding a doctor at the ER that was willing to send me home with Librium because the inpatient facility was full, and the last time just toughing it out at home with nothing (that was actually a piece of cake for some reason, almost no withdrawals).

That's one of the reasons I haven't told my wife about this. I suspect deep down that if I told her about this and came completely clean she would still stick by me and be supportive, but I also hid my drinking from her The last time. She just thought I was having one beer a day and I use that to mask all of the hard liquor that I was sneaking. Because I already betrayed her trust once and I know she took it very hard, I'm worried that if I came clean with her this time it would do irreparable damage to our relationship and that it would never be the same. Her not knowing is hard, but thinking about her finding out is even more worrisome.

I wish I wasn't so worried about her finding out, because doing this alone in a hotel room is pretty damn scary. Not having anyone there to figuratively hold my hand is pretty terrifying since I'm really not a loner in any sense.

 

[DogLover123757]

It's funny, now that I am trying to quit I keep thinking back to how ridiculous my behavior has been in chasing the euphoria I originally felt when taking the stuff.

Kratom was outlawed in my state about a year ago, so I've actually been having my weekly order shipped to a FedEx location in the next state over and then driving two hours to pick it up. I remember the sheer terror and panic that I felt when my supplier wasn't able to fill my order and how I had to ration my dose to get through an additional two days while I figured out where I could have it shipped to and how to make the correct arrangements etc.

Before that happened, I even rented a mailbox and had my stuff shipped there so that nobody would find out. I just can't believe the crazy lengths I went to and the money I spent and the inconveniences that I was willing to deal with in order to get a drug that barely even gave me any euphoria anymore but was just using to keep from getting sick. Crazy.

I do think I have a very addictive personality. I've struggled with alcohol my whole life, and have quit drinking several times. The first time doing inpatient detox, the second time finding a doctor at the ER that was willing to send me home with Librium because the inpatient facility was full, and the last time just toughing it out at home with nothing (that was actually a piece of cake for some reason, almost no withdrawals).

That's one of the reasons I haven't told my wife about this. I suspect deep down that if I told her about this and came completely clean she would still stick by me and be supportive, but I also hid my drinking from her The last time. She just thought I was having one beer a day and I use that to mask all of the hard liquor that I was sneaking. Because I already betrayed her trust once and I know she took it very hard, I'm worried that if I came clean with her this time it would do irreparable damage to our relationship and that it would never be the same. Her not knowing is hard, but thinking about her finding out is even more worrisome.

I wish I wasn't so worried about her finding out, because doing this alone in a hotel room is pretty damn scary. Not having anyone there to figuratively hold my hand is pretty terrifying since I'm really not a loner in any sense.

. You will be alright man, I wouldn't feel ba about taking that other Kratom with you to the hotel, you are probably going to need it, and if you can just use enough to stave off the withdrawals and that combined without your prescribed meds should be enough to keep you well enough while the UEI is leaving your system. Just view it as tapering off to a lower substance and if you can taper down on the combined 100 grams you have and in a few days to a week you might find yourself in a good place. If you would rather be at the point where you are completely done with Kratom just flush all you have and take the tramadol with you. I am sure that will do the trick, however there are mixed reviews about the difficulty of coming off tramadol compared to Kratom. Anyways whichever route you choose it sounds like you at least have enough substances to help you get started and with everything you have you probably wont need any loperamide. Just remember it is going to take time regardless of how you medicate yourself so be prepared to be strong and be your best friend as well as cautious enough to protect you from any temptation. Take care.

 

[UEIfiend]

Well, it's been over 24 hours since that last half dose I took yesterday morning to get through the work in the morning.

I was definitely feeling kind of crummy in the afternoon when I got to the hotel. I took 8 mg of loperamide, one Clonodine pill, and watched a movie. My biggest problem with the crawling out of my skin feeling and anxiety. After the movie I took one of the Ativan, which seem to help slightly with that.

I was able to eat fairly normally, basically just feeling general crappyness and always always some level of the wanting to crawl out of my own skin. Going to bed was a different story. I took a second Ativan about two hours early, but immediately after turning out the lights the restless legs started with a vengeance.

I know I did get some sleep because I don't have memories of seven constant hours of restless legs agony, although the Ativan did seem to mess with my sense of time a little bit. I know I got up two different times in the middle the night to take a bath because I read that that has helped. It definitely helped and actually both times felt dangerous in that I caught myself falling asleep in the bathtub. But I did Seem to fall asleep pretty quickly if I got out of a hot bath and into bed immediately. But it maybe felt like I slept an hour before I woke again. I know I got up two other times in the middle of the night. Once I took melatonin and this over-the-counter restless legs medication, and once I got up and took another Clonodine and 10 mg of loperamide.

I keep wondering if I should up my dose of Loperamide or if I would just stretch out the withdrawals by doing so.

Anyway, I got up this morning and was actually able to have a fairly normal if not slightly difficult bowel movement, so I guess at least that's not messed up that much yet. Maybe taking the early dose of loperamide stopped any diarrhea in its tracks.

I do have a little bit of an appetite so I'm going to grab something to eat in case this is the last time that I feel somewhat hungry. In general, the biggest problem is that every moment I feel the I want to crawl out of my skin feeling and anxiety which makes Time drag on and makes it very difficult to Enjoy even a single moment.

So 27 hours in, and from everything I've read the worst is still to come. That's pretty scary. But I'll get through it.

 

[DogLover123757]

Well, it's been over 24 hours since that last half dose I took yesterday morning to get through the work in the morning.

I was definitely feeling kind of crummy in the afternoon when I got to the hotel. I took 8 mg of loperamide, one Clonodine pill, and watched a movie. My biggest problem with the crawling out of my skin feeling and anxiety. After the movie I took one of the Ativan, which seem to help slightly with that.

I was able to eat fairly normally, basically just feeling general crappyness and always always some level of the wanting to crawl out of my own skin. Going to bed was a different story. I took a second Ativan about two hours early, but immediately after turning out the lights the restless legs started with a vengeance.

I know I did get some sleep because I don't have memories of seven constant hours of restless legs agony, although the Ativan did seem to mess with my sense of time a little bit. I know I got up two different times in the middle the night to take a bath because I read that that has helped. It definitely helped and actually both times felt dangerous in that I caught myself falling asleep in the bathtub. But I did Seem to fall asleep pretty quickly if I got out of a hot bath and into bed immediately. But it maybe felt like I slept an hour before I woke again. I know I got up two other times in the middle of the night. Once I took melatonin and this over-the-counter restless legs medication, and once I got up and took another Clonodine and 10 mg of loperamide.

I keep wondering if I should up my dose of Loperamide or if I would just stretch out the withdrawals by doing so.

Anyway, I got up this morning and was actually able to have a fairly normal if not slightly difficult bowel movement, so I guess at least that's not messed up that much yet. Maybe taking the early dose of loperamide stopped any diarrhea in its tracks.

I do have a little bit of an appetite so I'm going to grab something to eat in case this is the last time that I feel somewhat hungry. In general, the biggest problem is that every moment I feel the I want to crawl out of my skin feeling and anxiety which makes Time drag on and makes it very difficult to Enjoy even a single moment.

So 27 hours in, and from everything I've read the worst is still to come. That's pretty scary. But I'll get through it.

. Hey man I have to get some stuff done so I will leave this quick reply and a more detailed one later. Four Lope pills is nothin it isn't enough to have any effect. If you take a large enough dose it will void out the RLS, the "crawling out of your skin" and the other physical sensations that drive you nuts. I know you are apprehensive about it but going back to my own experience after the first full day of CT (35-45 grams a day) I took 80mgs and I had zero physical WD's once it kicked in. So it's up you, if they are making you miserable than up your dose, if you can handle 7-10 days of it then don't, but with the quality and duration of your habit, 8-10-15-20 mgs isn't even going to make a dent. I am glad you got through the first night and you let us know how it went, I will ba back later on, take care.

 

[UEIfiend]

Thanks dog lover, actually experimented and took a couple of tramadol and they immediately took away all of the discomfort. I took a nap and it was the best nap of my life.

I don't drink often due to my previous problems, but I skipped the benzo's for most of the day and got a little drunk this evening. That actually helped me enjoy my evening a bit. Also got to talk to my little girl and wife which was a lot of fun.

Basically right now I feel drunk and uncomfortable, but I'm going to take a couple tramadol which did seem to completely get rid of the discomfort earlier and try to get a full nights sleep. Wish me luck!

If I don't feel much better tomorrow, I absolutely will take your suggestion and significantly up the dose of loperamide. I can't say that I feel like I want to die like I've heard some people here, probably because of the decent medications I've been prescribed, and I really do feel lucky for that. But what I do feel is still a low-grade living hell so I can't even imagine doing this without having come clean to my doctor.

I really appreciate the encouragement and tips. Keep them coming! Thanks everyone.

 

[DogLover123757]

Thanks dog lover, actually experimented and took a couple of tramadol and they immediately took away all of the discomfort. I took a nap and it was the best nap of my life.

I don't drink often due to my previous problems, but I skipped the benzo's for most of the day and got a little drunk this evening. That actually helped me enjoy my evening a bit. Also got to talk to my little girl and wife which was a lot of fun.

Basically right now I feel drunk and uncomfortable, but I'm going to take a couple tramadol which did seem to completely get rid of the discomfort earlier and try to get a full nights sleep. Wish me luck!

If I don't feel much better tomorrow, I absolutely will take your suggestion and significantly up the dose of loperamide. I can't say that I feel like I want to die like I've heard some people here, probably because of the decent medications I've been prescribed, and I really do feel lucky for that. But what I do feel is still a low-grade living hell so I can't even imagine doing this without having come clean to my doctor.

I really appreciate the encouragement and tips. Keep them coming! Thanks everyone.

. Cool man glad to hear you are hanging in there. I am glad the Tramadol is working, it's awesome to get that feeling of relief cover you like a blanket right? Just stick with that if its working. I remember the first little sleep I got that lasted more than thirty minutes and it was an incredible feeling. How are you doing mentally? Right about now is when all the shame and regret etc. would be flooding my brain and trying to monopolize my conscious. As soon as you can try going for a walk or light jog, or even doing some stretches or push ups. You got the ball rolling man so if you have found a formula that combats the physical withdrawals and allows you some sleep than definitely keep following that recipe. I hope all is well at your place of employment as well as your home base and take care as always, remember each day is one day closer but also don't let your guard down.

 

[cashfl0w_d0nkey]

Be careful with tramadol... I'm not sure the doses you're taking but people have seizures on doses not too much over the recommended dose fairly regularly. Just a word of caution.

 

[UEIfiend]

Yeah, I'm being careful with the Tramadol. I know that 400 mg is the daily limit or you risk lowering your seizure threshold. I think I've only taken 300 mg in the last 24 hours, and I'm only planning on taking 50 mg if I absolutely need to today and 100 mg at bedtime today. I definitely don't want to just get addicted to Tramadol. So I'm going to take the minimum that's absolutely necessary and try to reduce it every day.

While I probably woke up 30 times last night i'm fairly sure I got at least five hours of sleep out of the nine or so that I stayed in bed. It was obviously very fitful but I know I got at least some restful sleep. I also didn't have to get up and take bath during the night and didn't have horrible restless legs, though my entire body felt just restless enough to keep waking me up. I suspect the hundred milligrams of Tramadol along with the Clonodine is what helps me. I haven't taken a benzo in about 18 hours.

Still trying to figure out if I should go back on the benzo's today or tough out a little the anxiety and drink again tonight. For at least a few hours the drinking allowed me to enjoy the evening.

Dog lover, mentally I'm still doing OK. No horrible depression, just kind of feel blah mentally but I've caught myself a couple of times feeling hopeful and looking forward to slowly trying to rebuild finances after I've destroyed them.

I'm kind of wondering if I'm getting off a little bit easy because of having switched to a different extract over a month ago. From the day I got the first bad batch UEI I had a pretty terrible couple of days even while taking the new replacement extract that they sent along with it. I also had a couple of weeks after those first few days that I had some pretty significant anxiety all day along with some mild crawling out of my skin feeling. The replacement extract I think maybe kept me from going into full-blown withdrawals. Maybe it had a few of the same alkaloids, just not the ones that I particularly liked.

Obviously, I've been taking the replacement extract for over a month, with my dosage increasing as I try to get some sort of pleasure from it. But I wonder if since I already went through withdrawals to some level with the UEI and have only been on the new version for a month whether that is making these withdrawals a little bit more tame. I guess there's no way to tell since I have the good medications from my doctor and haven't stopped taking the Clonidine to see how bad they would really be without it.

I'm at the 48 hour mark from that last half dose and in about 28 hours I'm going to head home. That will make 76 hours from my last small dose. I'm hoping that if I can sneak Clonodin , Ativan and Tramadol as needed that I can be functional enough that my wife will just buy my story about having the flu. While I don't feel like doing anything at all, I only felt truly incapacitated the first day.

Yesterday I was able to run out to Walmart to grab a couple of snacks, and I also walked around the hotel grounds a little bit. Today i'm actually thinking about cleaning out my car which sorely needs it. I feel little bit better when I'm doing anything as opposed to just sitting watching TV even though that's all I really want to do. I know that doesn't make sense but it is what it is.

I definitely feel guilty about looking forward to drinking later, since I've been a full blown alcoholic in the past, but looking forward to that is really what seemed to get me through the day yesterday. I have drunk on any business trips ever since I quit years ago and I've never had a problem stopping when I got home. My wife was fully aware of my drinking problem after I came clean with her and would have zero tolerance now, so there's no way I could be a sneaky drunk anymore around her. She has a fantastic sense of smell and would immediately bust me. That's probably why I've been able to keep my drinking to just the very rare business trip without it spiraling out of control again. I just have no possible way to drink at home. Still feel guilty about it though. It's like I'm trading my new addiction for my old one. But if it helps me get through withdrawals it's probably worth it. Or maybe that's just the addict in me talking.

Anyway, thanks to everyone who has posted. Looking forward to the posts and encouragement on here has been really helpful. As has just being honest with everyone even if it's a bunch of strangers. I'll post an update later today.

 

[Picnic_Johnson]

The tramadol certainly will help with any kratom withdrawal, but DO NOT take more than 400mg per 24 hours or there is a risk of seizure ..

And not to bash the OP, but now an additional case of "UEI" use has been reported to poison control... kratom won't be around much longer I suspect

 

[UEIfiend]

Yeah, whatever was I thinking. I should've just let it finish off destroying my life the life of my daughter and wife rather than ask my doctor for the help I need. Because I was so selfish, there may be another report to poison control of UEI in a state where Kratom is already illegal.

I apologize for trying to salvage what's left of my life.

 

[UEIfiend]

OK, I've had a moment to think. Or an hour or so anyway.

I hope you read this, and I hope you think about how you're "Not to bash the original poster" comments would be taken. Actually I'm not the original poster, I just hijacked the thread because it was so close to home and I assumed I could get some help from people who actually suffered from the same devastating addiction.

Dog lover is one of them and has been phenomenally helpful.
There's nothing wrong with anybody asking for help. And nobody ever ever ever ever ever should decide whether to ask for help because of any consideration that it would inconvenience any other drug users.

I don't personally think Kratom should be illegal. I'm not sure how I feel about the extracts since that's what got me into so much trouble. But I'm still reserving judgment.

However, many more people have problems with alcohol, and it has remained legal. Also, many more people have problems with marijuana, and despite that it is becoming legal in more and more states. The harmfulness or harmlessness of something like alcohol, marijuana, or kratom and the benefits versus problems that can cause is something that you can take up. Fight that fight if you want.

But I hope for the rest of your life, if you're a person that actually has ever cared for another person, you won't make a comment like that again.

That's no different then passive aggressively chastising an alcoholic for asking for help because you worry that it might bring about another round of prohibition. Pretty damn selfish.

I thought a big part of the site was harm reduction. Your types of comments don't make that easy. Please think about that. That's all I have to say.

 

[tacodude]

Careful with clonidine.... Using to much could lead to difficulty going up stairs leading to tunnel vision and weakness near fainting.

 

[DogLover123757]

The tramadol certainly will help with any kratom withdrawal, but DO NOT take more than 400mg per 24 hours or there is a risk of seizure ..

And not to bash the OP, but now an additional case of "UEI" use has been reported to poison control... kratom won't be around much longer I suspect

. Do you have a link to where I can read about this? Or where I can find any info?

 

[DogLover123757]

OK, I've had a moment to think. Or an hour or so anyway.

I hope you read this, and I hope you think about how you're "Not to bash the original poster" comments would be taken. Actually I'm not the original poster, I just hijacked the thread because it was so close to home and I assumed I could get some help from people who actually suffered from the same devastating addiction.

Dog lover is one of them and has been phenomenally helpful.
There's nothing wrong with anybody asking for help. And nobody ever ever ever ever ever should decide whether to ask for help because of any consideration that it would inconvenience any other drug users.

I don't personally think Kratom should be illegal. I'm not sure how I feel about the extracts since that's what got me into so much trouble. But I'm still reserving judgment.

However, many more people have problems with alcohol, and it has remained legal. Also, many more people have problems with marijuana, and despite that it is becoming legal in more and more states. The harmfulness or harmlessness of something like alcohol, marijuana, or kratom and the benefits versus problems that can cause is something that you can take up. Fight that fight if you want.

But I hope for the rest of your life, if you're a person that actually has ever cared for another person, you won't make a comment like that again.

That's no different then passive aggressively chastising an alcoholic for asking for help because you worry that it might bring about another round of prohibition. Pretty damn selfish.

I thought a big part of the site was harm reduction. Your types of comments don't make that easy. Please think about that. That's all I have to say.

. Hey man how is today for you? Don't let one person's comments or point of view interfere with the path you are on. I know this is a sensitive time for you but stay focused and positive and focus all your energy on your transformation. I don't think you were being insulted it was just the way that comment came across. I totally understand though because I still feel vulnerable to a point and I have had very little interaction with my parents because they don't understand drug/substance addiction and it always ends up going to a judge mental place. So how is it being back home? I am sure that your wife and child are a great source of happiness and motivation. Just think of how awesome it will be soon and how much stronger, vibrant and productive you will be and you will be able to contribute the way you were meant to. I also don't think Kratom should be illegal but it is all political and you know how twisted and corrupt the boys on the hill are. A perfect example is how Kratom got banned overseas because it interfered with the opium trade. Soon here in the states when Big Pharma realizes how strong a threat that Kratom is to their financial greed is probably when it will be scheduled to make sure that the population is forced to but their drugs. You know a cheaper alternative to their addictive offerings will scare the shit out of them and it wouldn't surprise me if it does get regulated and controlled by these companies to bring them more revenue. Anyways getting back man stay focused on this day and the goals you have set for yourself and go easy on the tramadol, if you had a serious problem with booze then I would be extremely cautious about picking up a glass. I know the feeling though of wanting anything that will combat this agony so it's difficult to stay completely disciplined. So let me know where you are at when you have some time and don't worry about that other comment because I honestly don't feel like it was a shot against you and your recovery. It just came across the wrong way at the wrong time. Hang in there man and keep your health and family at the forefront of all your thoughts and soon another day will be in the books.

 

[UEIfiend]

Thanks man,

Yeah I did come across the wrong way. I felt like I was getting bashed for asking for help. And the only way to really ask for help when you absolutely need it is to be honest about what's going on. Not sure I could've done this without the meds that my doctor prescribed. I do think it was a slight dig for having been honest with my doctor, but I will grant you that maybe I'm overly emotional because I'm withdrawing, so I'm going to let it drop.

I am taking it easy on the tramadol. I haven't had any since last night. I absolutely knew about the seizure implications of too much tramadol and have stayed well below it.

All I've had all day is the twice a day Clonodin which is just a blood pressure medication but seems to really help withdrawals big-time from everything I've read. If that's the reason that my withdrawals of been so tolerable than I would recommend that drug to everybody with any sort of opiate dependence. It has been a lifesaver.

I've just been hanging out all day in the hotel room watching movies and going for walks every hour around the hotel grounds. I've also been taking Imodium but only a couple of pills here and there to control the diarrhea.

Based on how I feel, I think I'm actually going to be OK when I go home tomorrow midmorning. I still feel rundown and kind of like I got hit by a truck, but my wife thinks I've had the flu while I've been gone and she'll baby me and be totally cool if I lay around for the rest of the weekend.

I think I could've actually gone to work today if I needed to. I wouldn't of been all that productive but I think I would've been able to tough it out, so with two more days under my belt I think I may be able to make it on Monday and actually be productive.

You're right about the booze, I'll be honest, I'm probably going to have something to drink tonight. It definitely gets me to settle down in a way that I really enjoy way more than the benzo's that I was prescribed. Those kind of space me out, but I will save them for the first couple nights back home since I have absolutely zero option of drinking once I'm home. I'm not worried about it becoming a problem again just because my wife is a complete Nazi when it comes to that. And that's a good thing, she will definitely keep me on the straight and narrow for the rest of my life in that regard. No way to get rid of alcohol breath so no way to sneak it the way I was the UEI. If she ever smelled alcohol on me she would kick my ass and immediately force me into some sort of a program. No way I'm going to jeopardize my marriage, my daughter etc. to drink. So I will occasionally drink when I go away on trips for business but that's it. Sucky addict logic, but if that's what it takes and that keeps it from becoming a problem again, that's not so bad.

So far, no horrible depression. A big part of that I think is because I'm missing my daughter so very much. All I want is to give her an awesome Life, and while I'm feeling so guilty that the amount I've spent on this crap is going to completely change the lifestyle that she's going to experience for the next 15 years, all I really want is to start fixing shit.

I really just want to go home, feel normal, get a good nights sleep for once, and wake up in the morning so comfortable in bed that I just want to go back to sleep.

For over a year now, I've been waking up at 5 AM even on the weekends. I only do it because I'm so uncomfortable and want to get my fix. My wife thinks it's because I value an hour or two if alone time before my daughter gets up. She makes fun of me, saying that living in a house full of women has driven me to be a morning person just so I can drink some coffee by myself and watch the news.

That's not it at all, it's only because I had been laying awake for over an hour squirming because I needed to get my dose. And it's only that late in the morning (ha ha) that I am squirming to get up because I got up at one in the morning to take a half of a teaspoon to get me through the last couple hours of the night. I am so sick, and I mean so very sick of my sleep schedule and waking schedule being dictated by my desperate need to eat greenish powder.

The lies we tell ourselves and everyone around us are insane.

Anyway, I'm rambling. Thanks a lot for the support, and that goes for everybody especially dog lover who has taken the time to write every day at least a couple of times. It's made a big difference. I check this site every hour or two and since you all are the only people I am being honest with and truly sharing exactly what's going on with, it seems to make a huge difference.

 

[DogLover123757]

Thanks man,

Yeah I did come across the wrong way. I felt like I was getting bashed for asking for help. And the only way to really ask for help when you absolutely need it is to be honest about what's going on. Not sure I could've done this without the meds that my doctor prescribed. I do think it was a slight dig for having been honest with my doctor, but I will grant you that maybe I'm overly emotional because I'm withdrawing, so I'm going to let it drop.

I am taking it easy on the tramadol. I haven't had any since last night. I absolutely knew about the seizure implications of too much tramadol and have stayed well below it.

All I've had all day is the twice a day Clonodin which is just a blood pressure medication but seems to really help withdrawals big-time from everything I've read. If that's the reason that my withdrawals of been so tolerable than I would recommend that drug to everybody with any sort of opiate dependence. It has been a lifesaver.

I've just been hanging out all day in the hotel room watching movies and going for walks every hour around the hotel grounds. I've also been taking Imodium but only a couple of pills here and there to control the diarrhea.

Based on how I feel, I think I'm actually going to be OK when I go home tomorrow midmorning. I still feel rundown and kind of like I got hit by a truck, but my wife thinks I've had the flu while I've been gone and she'll baby me and be totally cool if I lay around for the rest of the weekend.

I think I could've actually gone to work today if I needed to. I wouldn't of been all that productive but I think I would've been able to tough it out, so with two more days under my belt I think I may be able to make it on Monday and actually be productive.

You're right about the booze, I'll be honest, I'm probably going to have something to drink tonight. It definitely gets me to settle down in a way that I really enjoy way more than the benzo's that I was prescribed. Those kind of space me out, but I will save them for the first couple nights back home since I have absolutely zero option of drinking once I'm home. I'm not worried about it becoming a problem again just because my wife is a complete Nazi when it comes to that. And that's a good thing, she will definitely keep me on the straight and narrow for the rest of my life in that regard. No way to get rid of alcohol breath so no way to sneak it the way I was the UEI. If she ever smelled alcohol on me she would kick my ass and immediately force me into some sort of a program. No way I'm going to jeopardize my marriage, my daughter etc. to drink. So I will occasionally drink when I go away on trips for business but that's it. Sucky addict logic, but if that's what it takes and that keeps it from becoming a problem again, that's not so bad.

So far, no horrible depression. A big part of that I think is because I'm missing my daughter so very much. All I want is to give her an awesome Life, and while I'm feeling so guilty that the amount I've spent on this crap is going to completely change the lifestyle that she's going to experience for the next 15 years, all I really want is to start fixing shit.

I really just want to go home, feel normal, get a good nights sleep for once, and wake up in the morning so comfortable in bed that I just want to go back to sleep.

For over a year now, I've been waking up at 5 AM even on the weekends. I only do it because I'm so uncomfortable and want to get my fix. My wife thinks it's because I value an hour or two if alone time before my daughter gets up. She makes fun of me, saying that living in a house full of women has driven me to be a morning person just so I can drink some coffee by myself and watch the news.

That's not it at all, it's only because I had been laying awake for over an hour squirming because I needed to get my dose. And it's only that late in the morning (ha ha) that I am squirming to get up because I got up at one in the morning to take a half of a teaspoon to get me through the last couple hours of the night. I am so sick, and I mean so very sick of my sleep schedule and waking schedule being dictated by my desperate need to eat greenish powder.

The lies we tell ourselves and everyone around us are insane.

Anyway, I'm rambling. Thanks a lot for the support, and that goes for everybody especially dog lover who has taken the time to write every day at least a couple of times. It's made a big difference. I check this site every hour or two and since you all are the only people I am being honest with and truly sharing exactly what's going on with, it seems to make a huge difference.

Hey man sounds like you are doing okay. Nothing sounds like it is out of the ordinary or enexpected. It's totally cool to have a drink and take a few meds just be careful and think everything through. I also have the "addicts mentality" where everything is done to the extreme of excess. But it sounds like you are being smart and using the meds moderately and that is a great sign of your discipline and self-control. I honestly think you are progressing well although I know it probably seems like you are stuck in a place that will never change. The perspective is completely different now to ten days from now when it will be tailing off. So don't feel bad however you choose to relax, it's a marathon not a sprint and adding uneccessary stress and guilt will only pull you backwards.

 

[DogLover123757]

Also remember my friend it could always be worse. You have a wife and child who love you and a place of employment all of which are powerful and positive constants in your life. You have so much going in your favor and you are in the final stages of completing this puzzle of health and stability. Don't ever forget all the good and positive in your life as there are so many people that are less fortunate.