What ecstasy abuse did to me and how long will it take for recovery?

[E head]

So I first started rolling about 8 months ago. Since then I have probably rolled about 40-50 times, consuming probably about 3-4grams of molly and 70 pills of ecstasy total. When I first started I fell in love and did it probably about 6x in the first two weeks each time taking 1 E. At first the comedowns were not bad at all and I felt perfectly fine but later on as I kept abusing rolling multiple times a week I started to feel real shitty and became really irritable easily, blew up a lot on my parents, and a lot more changes happened that I can't remember of. These days the come downs next morning are not even bad at all, i don't really get depressed because I guess i'm used to living on low serotonin, or my brain just cant think and i'm used to feeling crappy(honestly I sorta like it because idgaf about anything) that I honestly feel the same the next day, just a little more brain dead. I slowly noticed my brain started to get in a constant haze like how you feel sort of after a heavy smoking session the next morning you brain is all cloudy and hazed. I did not take breaks at all really, my biggest break I had from rolling was 5 weeks but besides that I average rolling every 5 days sometimes dropping 2 nights in a row one time 3 nights in a row.

Starting about a couple months ago or I don't even really remember, my life started to feel sort of dream like, 2 weeks will fly by and I won't even know what happened during those two weeks, the 2 weeks will feel like it was one day, it's like i'm living a dream and i'm not really living life. I also have no time perception anymore, Idk what 1 hour or 1 minute feels like. I used to get brain shocks and zaps a while back, I still get em but not nearly as bad as before,sometimes during the day and sometimes at night before I'm about to fall asleep I would sometimes wake up to a large bang and zap in my head, scary as hell. Worst comedown I had was after I dropped 3x in a row about a couple weeks ago, I felt fine till the afterglow was gone(rolled daytime) and when i woke up the next morning it felt like someone whacked me in the head with a sledgehammer during my sleep and someone was squeezing my head the whole day, that was prettyy bad. Now recently the past couple months rolling hasn't been as fun, the magic is gone, it's just to get high, I trip out easily now when coming down sometimes(weed makes worse) and sometimes when rolling i'll get negative thoughts like what am I doing right now, etc. one time I even had a bad trip for a while at a rave, thinking I was all alone and was freaking out in my head. I stopped taking 5 htp because it would sometimes give me brain zaps when I took it and the next day I would just feel so tired that I didn't want to do anything.

Yesterday when I was rolling I started to trip because my heart was beating hella hard which is normal when rolling, but I felt my heartbeat and it was 1.. 2.. 3........4 then restart so I thought I was going to die but i'm fine. The worst my heart felt though was after triple dropping (300mg at once) some good ass molly and ended up taking 450mg the whole night, my left chest was literally hurting for a whole day or two. Today after rolling 2 days in a row, I noticed that I really am depersonalized as hell, more than usual, idk what normal stuff is, everything feels so weird, but i don't really let it get to me because i'm just used to living like this, and I know one day i'll feel normal again. My short term memory is so bad these days, I'll go downstairs or upstairs for some reason in my house and i'll forget why i even went down or up for, or i'll get totally sidetracked by something else and will forget the main point of why i wen't down or upstairs. Or i'll come upstairs after chilling and doing stuff downstairs, and i'll totally forget what I did downstairs the whole time.. I also will sit through my college classes, and not even remember a thing my professors told me. Or sometimes i'll be talking to my friends and forget what I was even talking about or what we were talking about. The worst memory problem I had was yesterday when I forgot what my girlfriends name even was. I also sometimes will get speech problems rarely once in a while, or get words mixed up. And recently this last month my anxiety has gotten a little worse then it already was, I don't really get panic attacks, but sometimes my anxiety does get a little uncomfortable, and recently I just tend to worry a lot about everything when there's no need. Also idk if I can fully contribute this to rolling, my friends seem to not have this problem really, but my libido is close to zero, I could care less about fucking a girl, sure it sounds nice but idk if my dick would even work because I can rarely get it fully hard anymore so I don't even care about the idea of having sex. I've had a girl sit on my dick naked and my dick was limp as can be. I also grabbed tits and ass and just got a little aroused but that's it. I do tend to get a little more libido as I hit the two week break mark though. Oh and also i noticed if i redose 5-6 hours after my initial dose, i'll still roll but sometimes i'll get crazy negative weird closed eye visuals when i try to sleep. And also my brain sometimes thinks really negative, I just think really crazy thoughts sometimes, like I wonder if any jumps off this bridge to kill themself and stuff like that.

I'm not going to lie, I know i'm mentally addicted to ecstasy and molly, I always think about my next roll constantly not a day goes by where I don't. If i end up saying i'm only going to take a point of molly, I usually end up taking 3-4 throughout the night to keep the magic going, sometimes redosing up to 7x a night(which works btw, you just get less and less out of each redose and you feel brain dead as hell) and 5-6 hours after my initial dose. Or if I take 1 e, which already knocks you on your ass, i sometimes end up taking 2-3 so I can keep the intense peak going, and never let the magic fade, sometimes rolling up to 6-8 hours which is rare. I also know i'm an addict, so I most likely wont be able to take a long break , even though I should take a very long break. i'm already in a dark place from rolling, but I will try to limit my use to just raves which is about once a month which is a huge improvement. And hopefully i'll get my shit straight and one day just keep the rolling to every 2-3 months. I usually start to feel a lot more normal and happier around the two week break mark which is when it's a lot more easier to not feen for E but my main problem is when I drink with my friends who abuse E as much as I do, half of the time we end up rolling. I honestly am happy with my life, even though I could be better, i'm still glad I started rolling, I honestly think the only thing getting to me is the depersonalization because it's the worst it's ever been right now, and life is just passing me before my eyes.

My question is how long do you think it'll take for me to make a full recovery? Or for my brain to at least feel not clouded and e tarded and for the depersonalization to go away? Considering the fact that i'm still going to roll once a month. Besides my E abuse, drinking 1x a week, and smoking 1-3x a week, and maybe doing coke or something else 1x a month, I typically live a healthy lifestyle. I go to the gym 5x a week doing bodybuilding, eat pretty decently, take top brand multivitamin, fish oil, protein, and vitamin C. I also get around 7-9 hours of sleep everyday as well and go to school full time so I get a little brain work in as well(whenever I do study lol) Thanks in advance, and sorry that everything is scattered everywhere, my brain is just scattered right now.

 

[myr]

Hi, thanks for sharing your story. The first step is always realizing the fact that your substance use doesn't serve you. It got you and enslaved you. It is suprising that you get any effects from it. I do hope you'll manage to reduce your usage because the symptoms you're eyperiencing will likely get worse and it will lenghten your recovery. If I were you, I'd abstain from it till I'm back to being normal.
It is hard to say when will you get better, but probably months to a year. I have rolled 4 times in 2 months and already have problems with my memory, so I'm taking 2 months break and resume to dropping only once a month tops.

 

[K-Dazed]

Stop rolling period dude until you feel better. Your story sounds near identical to mine. I did MDMA 100+ times over a 2 year span and it took me 4 years to get to a point I would consider normal. My problem is what I'm scared you'll fall victim to -- I continued to use drugs. Not MDMA, but everything else I continued for a while after I stopped doing MDMA and wanted to get better. Only once I stopped smoking/doing stimulants and living healthier did I get results I wanted (I still did Ketamine and LSD occasionally during this time, which wasn't beneficial). Give your body a break man.

 

[deadendgame]

I feel for you dude. I took stims too. Won't tell you which ones, but it's stronger than caffeine for sure. In addition to caffeine, I been on other shit as well and I been doing it for two years. Honestly, I worry too about when I'll make a full recovery. I also had many suicidal thoughts too. Have you had those? But as much as I want life to end, if you gave me the opportunity to jump bridge, I'd be too scared to do it. So the only thing you can do is keep living on and make enough income to support yourself. It seems like you already did so good for you. I can't say the same for me unfortunately. I can't even find a job and when I do, I can't keep it very long due to my condition. How is molly? It must feel amazing. I want to take it someday and have sex with a beautiful girl because that would be like heaven. Well, best of luck to you dude. Live your life to completion.

Yeah, also, you have to just wait it out. Unfortunately there is no other way. The E already did much damage to your brain and possibly some irreversible damage, but in time, you'll get back some strength. There might be a way to expedite the process like exercising and shit but I don't know. I been hit hard too. Now I'm retarded as hell.

 

[KOANaddict]

In point form, you do these, you'll feel better in time.

- Excercise daily.

- Maintain hydration 2L water / day minimum.

- stop rolling indefinitely.

- seek out natural antioxidants such as fruits and vegetables. Eat a shitload of them. Your local health store will also carry antioxidants such as astaxanthin, Coenzyme q-10, and lutein.

- some brain supplements wouldn't hurt. Rhodiola rosea, ginkgo biloba, etc

- maintain a positive mindset about your recovery and use it as a learning experience, not a degrading experience.

- try and sleep for minimum 6 hours a night.

- energy drinks on those mornings you feel like garbage are more harmful than beneficial

- don't eat like shit, don't smash a bag of candy, eat fruits and vegetables, intake a decent amount of protein daily, attempt to cut shit with ridiculous amounts of added sugar out.

Some other solid suggestions in here too just keep at it don't roll anymore for a bit.

You are at risk of serotonin syndrome, as you more than likely have little no serotonin even left in your brain after that many rolls. After 3 months your levels should be approaching baseline should you continue forward with a healthy lifestyle.

Last thing... Don't just accept the fact that you're all fucked up now.. Cause you're not. You're still alive. Just think of it as a chance to prove to yourself how much will power and dedication you have.

Ps if you are thinking about supplementing your serotonin, I'd advise against the use of 5-htp. Long term use can cause heart problems as the 5-htp is synthesized in your liver sending serotonin neurons all over your body, including your heart valves. Shit can get clogged up. I'd say take tryptophan as it is synthesized to 5-htp -> serotonin after is passes through the blood brain barrier.

Pps Def antioxidize. You've got mad free radicals floating around your brain and body. When you're rolling that often you fuck your brain into dumping dopamine into your 5ht2-a serotonin receptors. This is toxic as hell because the dopamine neurons bind and turn into hydrogen peroxide, and that will definitely effect you negatively. Antioxidant helps get rid of that.

So yee. Take it easy. Be healthy. Antioxidize.

 

[KOANaddict]

I'd consider axing the booze too. Just focus on yourself and your schooling dude.

Meditation could become your new best friend.

 

[McBird]

It doesn't matter what other ways you supposedly look after your body; doing that much drugs is not a healthy lifestyle and you will never fully recover if you continue using at the pace you say you plan to. If you continue like you say you will, it will get far, far worse and sooner or later you will experience extremely serious mental/emotional trauma potentially for many years. You need to stop doing drugs and you need to do it for an extended period of time. Period.

 

[Mr Dibs]

Bro, if youre dick aint working its time to take a break.

 

[E head]

Yea I agree with you all I know I need to stop rolling for a long time.. but it's hard when everything feels so boring in life cause the rolling and your brain's already dead that you don't even care if you roll again because it's already dead. The thing for me is once I reach past the 2-3 week mark which Is where I feel about 80 percent normal and a lot happier, It's a lot easier for me to say no to rolling, but once I start again, even if I say it's just gonna be one time and then break I end up just rolling multiple times after that one time because my brains just in the dumps again that I don't care really and I usually feel decently fine after a couple hours after waking up. I ended up double dropping for the first time as well for the first time yesterday and got fucked in the ass and even took another after that(3 total) which I' only end up doing that much at events.. and that put me in a place today where I just wanted to roll again,, not caring about the consequences even though that was my second roll this week.. How do you guys fight the urge to not roll when you already been binging? And do you guys have any tips on how to do meditation as well? I feel like that could benefit me. Also i've noticed antioxidants do make a ton of a difference in protecting your brain from rolling, multiple times have I taken 1000-2000mg of vitamin C and within couple minutes sometimes I could literally feel the free radicals floating around in my brain feel different or more protected or my brain zaps feel a little bit different as well.

deadendgame I feel you on the suicidal thoughts. I don't get them often but once in a while I will get them cause i feel like a piece of shit sometimes and worthless because I'm 20 and I never even had a job(besides a very side job like 1x a month), and i go to school, but last quarter I ended up failing 2/3 of my last classes so I just waste my parents money and they feed me and everything and take care of me good while I'm just over here blowing up on them, not even studying and just eating sleeping and doing drugs and partying and lying to them about a lot. Sometimes I think i'm better off dead and I just want this battle against drug addiction to stop. What I noticed helps though is laying off the weed for a while if you do smoke because for me I noticed when i have the weed cloudiness in my head even from smoking a day to couple days before I tend to think and over analyze things a lot more than I should and I feel like it slows down the recovery a lot more. Yea I look forward to rolling and having sex with a girl as well but the thing for me is when i'm rolling my dick can't hard for shit so i've had opportunities pass me by so untill I get some viagra to use when rolling my hand will suffice for now, tbh it is fucking amazing beating it when rolling,even if my dick is half limp, tho it takes a lot longer to climax or almost impossible, every stroke just feels like i came somewhat and when I actually came one time I literally had fireworks go off in my head so I can't even imagine how better that would be in a pussy lol.

 

[socalrollin]

yea dude i hate to say it but your wrecking your brain and your going to regret it big time one day. you need to completely stop drug use especially mdma for a long long time before you feel "normal" again. it took me 3-4 years to get over the symptoms my mdma abuse caused. its been 8 years since i first started rolling and im still not the same person i was before, but im happy and content with my life. to be honest i don't even have the desire to roll anymore after finding out what damage it can do to your mind, and experiencing the dark places a damaged mind can take you. i would say complete abstinence for 30 days should put you back in a pretty good mental state, but continued use is just going to diminish that state. im guessing your in your very early 20's by the time your in your 30's im betting your impression of good ole mdma will be a bit different.

ps. how the hell do you body build at the gym 5x a week in this mental state? it is not possible.

 

[E head]

socalrollin weird you say all that because a lot of it is already spot on. I know i'm going to regret all the damage I did to my brain one day, and I already somewhat do, but not enough to keep me away from rolling. I'm still content and happy with my life as well, but I could be happier and originally I was never too happy of a person. And I definitely know what you mean by dark places the rolling can take you, it's not a happy or good place to be at all and I would never want someone to be in that place.
For me usually it takes about 2-3 weeks for me to be in a pretty good happy mental state, and I feel like I have at least 80 percent of my serotonin back by then. My impression of MDMA is already a lot different, right now I don't crave it anymore and don't even really think of doing it at all, looking for a job helps because you want a clear mind and not feel stupid or shitty when you do the interview. After all the rolling I've done, now it's just like any other drug, just to feel good, get high and dance to the music, nothing is really magical anymore and it's nothing I look forward to as much as I did back then when I first started.
And for your gym remark about it not being possible, I will admit once in a while when I feel the shittiest of the shittiest, I will skip the gym for a day or two because i'm just straight exhausted already. But that's rare and most of the times after rolling if i get enough sleep my body feels fine enough after eating and taking a nap to go the gym, sometimes I feel like i'm already about to faint before I step in the gym, or my normal walking footsteps will sometimes be clumsy and very weak like i'm drunk, and sometimes after sets I feel like ii'm bout to black out for half a second when I get up like after benching or any other exercise but I always push through it and feel better after working out. So it is possible, just make sure you eat a lot and get a good amount of sleep before heading to the gym.

 

[squid30]

Like KOANaddict said, plus:

Eat medium-chain fatty acids (coconut oil) every day. Eat some superfood every day (hemp seeds, goji berries, etc etc) in place of one of the least healthy things you currently eat (anything containing hidrogenated oils, sugar/HFCS, wheat, etc). Make sure you give your brain a daily dose of omega-3 fatty acids (krill oil or fish oil).

Buy these antioxidant supplements (highest to lowest importance): vitamin C, MSM, astaxanthin [strongest fat-soluble], NAC [glutathione precursor], CoQ10. There are many others that would also help, but these are probably the most effective.

Vitamin D3 and vitamin K2 would be helpful as well, as most people are deficient in these essential nutrients.

If you feel that you crave it so strongly that you become apathetic (due to serotonin downregulation), try low doses of 5-HTP (the serotonin precursor), from 25 to 100 mg once in the morning (or perhaps tryptophan is a better idea as KOANaddict pointed out, but the downside to that is that it might mess with your thyroid/metabolism). If you do this though, you definitely must not take molly the same day. I'd say if you go the 5-HTP/tryptophan route, first make a commitment to quit molly "cold-turkey". Treat 5-HTP/tryptophan like a nicotine replacement therapy.

But most importantly is your mindset. What are you thinking about? You want to gradually replace the recurring "craving" thoughts with more helpful thought patterns.

Don't assume that ideas like "permanent brain damage" or "depersonalization" are empirically true. Everything changes, nothing is set in stone, neuroplasticity can reverse any undesired neurological pathways. Try replacing the molly craving with something more benign for you, notably cannabis. Start thinking that the cannabis high IS the molly roll.

Low doses of dissociatives might be an idea as well, which, if you've never had a dissociative experience before, might help you get a clearer idea of the experience you are calling "depersonalization". Magnesium is also something to try - it's a very mild dissociative (an NMDA antagonist just like ketamine & co.)

Low doses of alcohol are also a valid idea, but only in a very temporary fashion, I'd say.

Oh, and learn to meditate. If you're gonna have another roll, come up on it in meditation. If you are in the state of meditation, what you need to do, and what you really want, will become clear(er) to you.