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Fired Up! The February 2015 Getting and Staying Clean and Sober Thread

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It's been a bad couple days for me - just super depressed, I dont know if its the sub reduction or what. I don't want to do anything, ANYTHING. I just want to curl up in a ball on the bed. Trying to pull myself out of it now - I almost never get like this and it freaks me out when I do. I just feel kind of lost lately. On the plus side I had training for my job yesterday and I start monday. It's no great job or anything but it's a paycheck at least, and I'm still looking for something better. I just feel like I have nothing to look forward to, or get excited about, nothing makes me happy. Like you know how you wake up and go to work and if its a shit job you kind of slog through it, looking forward to getting off and hanging with friends or having dinner or whatever. My whole day feels like that work slog. Like damn, now I have to get up and take a shower. Shit, now I have to go do errands. Fuck, now I have to make dinner and find some way to fill the hours before I can go to sleep. I hate feeling like this - I'm the type of person who usually enjoys life - like if I get stuck in traffic I dont get mad, I just turn up the music or whatever. Like I said, I don't know if it's the subs or what, but it's just the shittiest feeling, because this is NOT ME.

I don't even really want to do dope. Usually I'd be like "damn I'm down, some dope would really hit the spot", but I just don't even think it would, it'd just give me another thing to be depressed about.

Trying to pull out of it. Just everything feels - empty.

Doesn't help that I'm crazy, 100% in love with someone I can't have...
 
Hey d-nihl im doing ok i am clean for going on 15 days now and i really ment evreything i said in that post eventho i used again after that.
I still feel like shit i cant sleep nor can.i take any benzos for sleep due to my past where.i.took benzos for a while but.just at night to sleep but im still scared to take anything.since ive allready.suffered thru 15 days
I think the cigs is harder then.the fucking.heroin i only smoked half a.cig today but goddamn evreytime i see someone on.the street smoking.i wanna smoke
As for the other side for you it is right.around the corner just tuff out the next couple days and hopefully you will feel golden i guess my.body is.just that fucked that.it takes.me so long to heal but dont give in no matter what tou got this keep.your eye.on the prize your almost there.good job!
 
totach said:
Thanx for the encouragment captian and myloveishim bluelight is currently my support system since my new job consists of long hours i leave at 10am m get home at like 10pm
Its good tho much better then sitting at home thinking bout copping all day i dont plan to keep this job for a long time but i think for now its good for me eventho i also dont like it
I cant even really join a gym with those hourse cuz im so tired now when i get home like yesterday i went to.bed at 1040 cuz i was so tired but i woke up at 1145 wide awake and kicking my legs like a lunatic
Fuck man i cant wait to get some sleep its the worst symptom insomnia that is
By the way captian i do watch alot of netflix at night im not much of a reader as you can prob tell by my horrible grammer and writing btw english is not my first or second language thats why i suck at it im sorry for that.
That is why i break down my posts cuz i suck at punctuation ;)
Anyways off to work wish evreybody a great clean day!
I also wanted to add that i am trying to also quit smoking and only had one cigarette a day for the last 2 days coming from a pack a day its almost as hard as dope to not smoke but i allready feel a change in my breathing so i hope i continue with that also
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well if you work at it, you'll really pick up at English. Don't give up. I only know 1 language, but I'm glad I know English. Most of my favorite novels have an English translation; or are in English. If I wasn't an English speaker, it would be very difficult for me to have read my favorite novels, aside from the ones which have been translated. But even then, it's hard finding a digital PDF of non-English.

also CONGRATS on the 12-hour/day job! I wish I still had that type of ability in me.

laCster said:
@CH

thank you! i cant tell you how relieving it is to know i didnt get high yesterday
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Keep it up man. Don't give up on yourself. You're worth it.

BlueSaffron said:
It's been a bad couple days for me - just super depressed, I dont know if its the sub reduction or what. I don't want to do anything, ANYTHING. I just want to curl up in a ball on the bed. Trying to pull myself out of it now - I almost never get like this and it freaks me out when I do. I just feel kind of lost lately. On the plus side I had training for my job yesterday and I start monday. It's no great job or anything but it's a paycheck at least, and I'm still looking for something better. I just feel like I have nothing to look forward to, or get excited about, nothing makes me happy. Like you know how you wake up and go to work and if its a shit job you kind of slog through it, looking forward to getting off and hanging with friends or having dinner or whatever. My whole day feels like that work slog. Like damn, now I have to get up and take a shower. Shit, now I have to go do errands. Fuck, now I have to make dinner and find some way to fill the hours before I can go to sleep. I hate feeling like this - I'm the type of person who usually enjoys life - like if I get stuck in traffic I dont get mad, I just turn up the music or whatever. Like I said, I don't know if it's the subs or what, but it's just the shittiest feeling, because this is NOT ME.

I don't even really want to do dope. Usually I'd be like "damn I'm down, some dope would really hit the spot", but I just don't even think it would, it'd just give me another thing to be depressed about.

Trying to pull out of it. Just everything feels - empty.

Doesn't help that I'm crazy, 100% in love with someone I can't have...
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It's because you have to go through the whole of the withdrawal eventually

stop taking suboxone now, if you can

of course if you are going to relapse otherwise, then stay on suboxone

but just bite the bullet, you can do it Blue <3
 
Thanks C.H. I know I need to just do it. I'll try to just take 1 mg when I wake up this am (been on 1.5 a few days, so I can't just stop now). Maybe 3 days at 1 mg and I'll cut it again to .5 and see how that goes. You're right, I can't keep avoiding it, I've been avoiding it for years, when if I'd just gone through it I would've been all better by now. I need to remember that.
 
Well I had a bad relapse last Friday that I enjoyed but now i'm paying for it. I Went on 4 day binge on MXE, AL-LAD, and Etizolam. I'll be honest that combination wasn't used to get me high but instead I took it for self-medication purposes and for one long weekend it did the trick. My depression and anxiety were completely gone. Fast forward to right now I still have 25 etizolam left but as soon as I ran out of MXE my depression came back full force. I'm thinking of getting on wellbutrin ASAP because taking a benzo on it's own causes extreme depression for me. But keep in mind i'm very much against Big Pharma medication.

I just got sick and tired of being miserable while I was sober, I couldn't live my life at all how I wanted to with my horrible anxiety and that invariably led to depression. The problem is that the drugs only gave me a temporary solution. Now that I still have anxiety meds available I will be going to AA/NA meetings everyday and I will get a therapist plus a psychiatrist. I will also work on finding a job and go to the gym everyday. I'm not sure what happens when the etizolam runs out in a few weeks. Hopefully W/D will be non-existent since I have an abundance of gabapentin and phenibut available. God my GABA receptors are totally fucked and likely will be for years. My depression right now is fucking horrible and i'm having 24/7 MXE cravings plus the occasional opiate craving. Luckily I am broke but I am a drug-addict I know how to come up with money quick. So yeah I need some help right now struggling with staying sober I just rather be high and temporarily happy instead of being miserable all the time if i'm being perfectly honest. Actually what I really want is to be completely sober, psych med free, and happy but i've been cursed with this terrible anxiety disorder that just won't let that happen.

P.S. I can really relate to your post from yesterday BlueSaffron. I've been a happy person my whole life but these last couple years the drugs and just life in general have turned me into a cynical depressed SOB. Hoping it's just the winter blues and we both pull out of this funk soon! Glad you're feeling better today the mood swings can be a bitch.
 
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Another day opiate free… Over 6 months. I feel a vast difference calmness in my brain, like it actually might be reset almost… The depression has finally lifted for the most part. Life certainly isn't easy but it's so much better, even with the physical pain. I can't believe I made it out of that horror. I truly thought I was going to die! I think I do want to keep living too! Yay!
 
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BlueSaffron said:
Thanks C.H. I know I need to just do it. I'll try to just take 1 mg when I wake up this am (been on 1.5 a few days, so I can't just stop now). Maybe 3 days at 1 mg and I'll cut it again to .5 and see how that goes. You're right, I can't keep avoiding it, I've been avoiding it for years, when if I'd just gone through it I would've been all better by now. I need to remember that.
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The only reason I say what I do, is because I stayed on suboxone for 6 years

I'm glad I did, it gave me a long enough time to never desire heroin - haven't touched it in 2 years maybe 3? I only did it a handful of times after getting on suboxone

but the buprenorphine PAWS I am experiencing is utter hell

you won't have to go through that if you don't stay on it for 6 years though; but keep in mind it's different for everyone.

I have a lot of faith in you Blue, you seem like you have an amazing heart and soul, and I know you'll get through this <3

Smoky said:
Another day opiate free… Over 6 months. I feel a vast difference calmness in my brain, like it actually might be reset almost… The depression has finally lifted for the most part. Life certainly isn't easy but it's so much better, even with the physical pain. I can't believe I made it out of that horror. I truly thought I was going to die! I think I do want to keep living too! Yay!
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<3 smoky <3

amazing news; I have exactly 4 months off suboxone today

you're an inspiration to me smoky, keep up the amazing work
 
Congrats captian on the 4 months that is amazing.
I have 16 days today still not sleeping but the tossing and turning is calming down alittle which is good.
My job consists of me sitting down alot for extended periods of time and i do not like that at all so its bothering me but i feel like it is helping me stay clean so for now i am just going to go with the flow.
I get paid today which is alittle scary for me cuz its bin quite a while since ive gotten paid and not spent any money on drugs.
Its almost like i dont even wanna get paid i feel pretty confident tho that i will not cop.

Hey Escape dont be hard on yourself as long as your mini binge is over and you did not touch any opiates i dont ser a setback im sure it takes alot of self control to do those drugs and not take a opiate so i can allready see you.have alot of self control shabbat shalom! To you
Hope evreyone has a great weekend
 
Nice work CH =D



Im going to make another run at tobacco on sat.. done with this nasty shit... going to think up my battle plan today.:X
 
Smoky said:
Another day opiate free… Over 6 months. I feel a vast difference calmness in my brain, like it actually might be reset almost… The depression has finally lifted for the most part. Life certainly isn't easy but it's so much better, even with the physical pain. I can't believe I made it out of that horror. I truly thought I was going to die! I think I do want to keep living too! Yay!
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My deepest and most sincere congratulations Smoky!

I am trying hard, not sure yet I will succeed though.

Have jumped from 80 mg methadone to zero, gradually! Many years on Mdone.

On my 6th day w zero opiates I collapsed at work. And had to take 10 mg SOS + 10 in the morning.

On and off now, but mostly clean. It's been 20 years...
 
Erikmen said:
My deepest and most sincere congratulations Smoky!

I am trying hard, not sure yet I will succeed though.

Have jumped from 80 mg methadone to zero, gradually! Many years on Mdone.

On my 6th day w zero opiates I collapsed at work. And had to take 10 mg SOS + 10 in the morning.

On and off now, but mostly clean. It's been 20 years...
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shit hope your okay there erikmen, ive heard that happening to people before...I think its related to blood pressure.

best of luck to you, at day 6 you gotts be almost broken thru. keep it up.
 
Damn had a horrible urge today...once a day I have a horrible urge, where Its almost decided that im gonna hit someone up in my head already, I put it off for 15 mintues..and I still kinda do, but not as bad, and I still don't want any cigs.
 
Damn man im also having some really bad cravings today and it is scaring the shit out of me
In my like 8 year history on bluelight i do not think ive once made a post saying that since usually once the thought pops into my head im usually out the door especially if i have money
But this time is different i do not want to throw away all ive worked for i know it hasent bin long but my family seems so happy for me i have a job i cant throw that away
Is it normal for me to feel like this? I will not get high today thats a fact but will i have these cravings tomorrow? I know these sound like dumb naive questions but like i just mentioned ive never bin one to say no to cravings the only stretches of clean time ive had was either court mandated or in rehab or sober living when im at home and get a craving its over but i am fighting it right now.
I hope evreyone else is doing better then i am
 
Man yesterday was tuff for me thank god i made it another day sober im very greatful i feel much better today if i woulda caved i woulda felt like shit today.
Off to work in a few hours i wish evreyone a great weak!!!
 
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