asherman.. I realize you have a great desire and longing to return to recovery in a non medicated state.
As unhealed addicts we think in polar opposite ways. Something is good or its bad.. it can either help us or it can't.. we are doing this or we are not doing it at all. Unfortunately, this is not the most successful way to think and it certainly does not create the most peaceful or enjoyable life experience.
We choose ho we think and can go about changing how we think. Its not something we can just instantly decide to do.. rather its a processes.. a work in progress.
When we decide to clean up and change our lives for the better thats what we as addicts do.. balls to the wall we try and change and fix everything at break neck speed. Fix everything with one giant grand slam homerun.
In real life things take time to fix.. I know I utterly skipped the desk in the pre birth lobby where they handed out patience before we were born. It probably had a long line and who has patients for that shit.
Steady progress forward and developing, implementing, and adjusting a strong recovery plan is what wins this race. The turtle wins much more then the Hair.. as the hair barrels off at break neck speed and gets a ways down the track.. seemingly way ahead, then it gets lost and wanders off the course boundaries and is forced to start the race over at the very beginning.. over and over.
The turtle does not move fast, but it moves forward all the time and its smart and has a clear picture of where it is and where its going and a well thought out plan on how to get there.
If I were approaching your situation as the turtle would i would be doing a few things.
A1A) I would make ny recovery my number one priority and goal in life. Everything else will come around if you recover, nothing will if you dont.
1) i would decide if i was tapering or CT the subs.
2) I would take one aspect of the problem at a time. So I would detox the opiates before i dove into the benzos.
benzos can be great medications for opiate withdrawal.
3) if I had access to a steady supply of subs I would sit down with my father and draw up a tapper plan where my dose was reduced by one mg every two weeks until i tapered off completely or until i reached a good place to make the final jump. I would make these drawn up doses mandatory with no room for negotiation.
4) if i decided to just CT the subs.. then i would pick a date and get all the medications i need and make any life arrangements needed for the detox. Sitting around laying in bed focusing on how rough we feel and jonesing to use is the worst possible approach. It much better to go do as many things as possible. I detoxed 150 mgpd methadone 260 mgpd oxy and a week into that withdrawals also jumped a 6 mgpd xanax (this was stupid and dangerous and not advisable). I did not sleep a wink for weeks and was in acute withdrawal for months. I did not stop doing shit the whole time. i went to water parks, museums, pro baseball and football games, fishing, camping, movies, etc etc. In doing this i was really distracted and only thought about how awful i felt and about useing two thirds of the time. This shaved one third of my experience off.. it was like getting eight weeks for the price of 5.5. If you did this you would see the light of the opiate tunnel with in two weeks and if you were stabilized on a sub dose for awhile you would not enter said tunnel until day 2 or three.
5) before i did this, while my mind was still working alright i would sit down and draw up two plans.
A) i would draw up and make any arrangements needed for a plan to deal with any PAWS. This would include a gym membership and a workout plan and schedule, a book that i would read about meditation ( i do mantra and some mindfulness), nutritional supplements like fish oil, vitamin D, and a quality multivitamin. something mentally challenging but stress free like lumosity to work the brain out. I would plan on participating in threads on BL that help us alter our thinking like the share something positive from our day thread and the today im thankful for thread. Drugs don't change the world, they just change our perception of it. Life is how we perceive it. How we perceive the world is determined by our thoughts. We control our thoughts. We decide the experience we have in life. We have little or no control over what is thrown our way, but we have total control over how we choose to think about what comes our way.
B) I would draw up and make arrangements for a plan to deal with the addiction. In kicking the drugs your going to deal with the physical dependence. Physical dependence and addiction are very different things. physical dependence means that we need to take a substance constantly to feel ok. Addiction is a subconscious drive to use drugs. Hunger is the drive to eat, thirst is the drive to drink, drug addiction a drive to use the drgs we are addicted to that comes from the exact same place in the brain. We either inherited it from a previous addict relative or created it ourselves through the use of drugs that stimulated the dopamine reward pathway. This plan should certainly include some type of addiction support group and BL as well. Regularly seeing and addiction counselor is highly advised as well or an intensive outpatient rehab can also be very beneficial.
SMART Recovery (Support Group information and discussion)
Twelve-Step Addiction Recovery Support Groups
Varied Approaches to Addiction Recovery
6) learn about benzos and start the proper taper when the opiate struggle has been concluded.
Benzo Information
BENZODIAZEPINES: HOW THEY WORK AND HOW TO WITHDRAW (aka The Ashton Manual)
Benzodiazepine withdrawal syndrome Wiki
Everbody always focuses on the withdrawal, but thats the tip of the iceberg. If people don't plan for and deal with everything else then they usually keep finding themsevs at start again and again. Start is withdrawl and that sucks donkey dick so who wants to do that over and over.
