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Needle Marks or Something Else and Venting!

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SadandHeartbroken

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Hi guys! I am very new here, a non-drug user and recently found out someone that I love has been IV'ing Dilaudid and Heroin. I know this person used to eat pills but i didnt know it would come to this. Naturally, this is devastating to me. I am sick to my stomach constantly and my anxiety is through the roof because of all this. I lost 6 pounds in the last 3 days and I am a small person to begin with. This person stopped for 2 weeks, went thru withdrawals at home, etc. Said all they need is my love and support to get clean. Fast forward to last Sunday 01/18/2014. I notice a bump on the back of their hand. It's very swollen and red. They immediately said it was a bug bite and that they wouldn't be stupid enough to inject in their hand. Well it's been a couple days now and it hasn't healed up much and now when I inspect it (when they are asleep) I see two TINY dots in the middle of the bump. So either A: they got a spider bite or B: they found some money and needles and is using again. I found a huge stash of used needles, a burnt spoon and hundreds of little tiny baggies with white residue in them and a bunch of white, empty gel caps with white residue as well. I got rid of everything with their knowledge . However, they are now hiding this particular hand as much as possible and tucking the sleeve over it. This person is on rx benzos that are prescribed to them so I know those could be contributing as well to the "high" look as well. People tell me that the person close to me has been asking them for money etc. I'm just at a loss of what to do. I feel so betrayed and hurt. I love this person and hurt for them as well and lastly I am SCARED for them.
 
There is just no way for this dance to ever be anything other than confusing. A person hiding an addiction is going to lie. That makes you, the recipient of the lies mistrust everything, because truthfully how are you supposed to judge? The paranoia and suspicion on your part and the shame and guilt on the other person's part make this a really tricky area in any relationship. Is this your partner you are talking about or your son or daughter?

There are many ways that you can support someone while they figure out how to climb out of the hole of addiction but so much depends on the individual relationship you have, etc. The bottom line is this (and this is true no matter what relation the person is to you): it is not your struggle and you can't fix it. You can do everything possible to create safe trust, you can help in both practical and psychological ways, you can take care of yourself so that you are actually able to help but in the end you cannot control the outcome.
 
Yes...this person is my spouse. The love of my life. Been with them for over a decade. The whole thing is just awful and I don't know if I can ever trust them again.
 
don't vilify him. this is much worse for him than it is for you. all you can do is give him your support and encouragement in the right direction. adding negativity into the equation with questions of trust and betrayal is not helpful.
 
I agree with you 100% that it is important not to vilify him or let all the pain turn into resentment and hate but it does not sound like the OP is doing that at all. I cannot agree that it is worse for him than for her--it is just different but the agony and feelings of helplessness are the same. I think there is very good reason to call addiction a family disease.

OP, trust is certainly at the crux of everything and there are really concrete ways to address it. Try not to say "never" because it shuts a door in your mind; if you can say, "right now" instead, it honors the truth of the situation and leaves the door open for change. Let your partner know that you love him and that you want to get through this together but let him know your limits, one of which should be no lying. If he relapses, no lying. If he is not feeling ready, no lying. If he wants your support and loyalty he has to be willing to trust you, especially when things are not going well. So you need to make sure that when he does open up and reveal something that you can remain calm and know that recovery from addiction is one of the hardest fights a person will ever be in.

Lastly, you need all the support you can get. Read everything you can about addiction--it can be confusing but it will help you to not personalize everything. Al-anon helped me. I didn't agree with some of the things I heard there but I got a lot out of it anyway. The main thing I got out of it was to keep myself healthy--physically and psychologically. When you see someone you love getting kicked in the gut every single day in front of your eyes and when you know that you are completely helpless to save them, it becomes crystal clear what you do and do not have control over. You have control over your own life. Period.
 
I have been in a situation similar to this one and I promise I gave all my 100%. The problem, as we all know it, is that one reaches his/her limits at some point in the relationship. That can take several months or many years actually. After all this is a disease right? So it doesn't matter how much I give, respect support. We'll get to the bottom, but then us two!
 
I'm going through something similar with a friend/more than friend/whatever you want to call it. I have been supportive, I have lent money (always got it back when promised), I am feeding him, driving him to pick up drugs when he's too high to drive himself, listening to him rant and rave about his on/off again girlfriend, about work, listening to him talk about killing himself, about all his problems, soooo much negativity.

It's fucking exhausting dealing with this. SOOOO exhausting. There are nights when he doesn't come home, so I'm worried he's finally made true to his word and done himself in, so I don't get much sleep that night, or he's with buddies shooting something up (he rails fentanyl but told me does needles on occasion too). when I don't hear him moving around in his room when I'm getting ready for work, I'm terrified he's OD'd in my house, that kind of thing... I try to be supportive but I'm quickly getting to the end of my rope with him. It's starting to cause issues in my life which I don't want or need.

I am still supportive but it's getting old, fast. I no longer jump when he needs something, I no longer go out of my way to ensure he's fed (because I can't afford to support him as well, especially given the money he spends on drugs, he can certainly afford some groceries, right? Oh wait... food is not a priority when he has money in hand). Granted, he's good to me, rarely lies to me, does little things for me, but this is really starting to wear on me too.

I have decided I'll still be there to help because I care for him, but I can no longer let his issues affect my life. You need to do the same because it'll suck you into that big black hole too. It's different when you're married and have a life together, harder to detach I guess and I'm sure he's got all kinds of guilt over it, otherwise why would he be lying, but you seriously need to look out for yourself too because before you know it, you'll be seeing the effects of the stress this is causing. It's a downhill spiral for sure. I'm so sorry you're going thru this. This is my first time ever dealing with an addict so close and hands on, I don't think I'll ever do it again just due to the stress it's causing me :(

Look out for #1, yourself, first and foremost. Apologies to any I've offended here with this but this is truly a hard thing to deal with and knowing what I know now, I doubt I'll ever put myself in this position again. At least not get as involved as I am now.
 
Oh, I´m so sorry to hear about that..You seem to be such a full of love wife and so much to give. I really, really hope he sees your efforts, feelings and choose his ways..
Your post really touched me. Don´t ever let this change who you are though..
By the way, you haven´t offended no one here.
Be well!:\
 
I have the unique perspective of being able to see your situation from both sides. Let me begin by saying I know how the worrying feels and the fear it brings and I am so sorry that you are going through this. It hurts so bad! It seems to me, from my point of view as a recreational user, who is also an addict (popped opiates for years and was very addicted - I stay away from that but now I occasionally use amphetamines) that at times like this you have to really be able to see yourself, and him, as two individuals. You are very strong! I mean, you have to give yourself credit for coming here to seek suggestions and ideas. That in itself is awesome. I had so very many walk away from me when I was using / abusing opiates. So, as Erikmen said, don't loose yourself in this - it's healthy to step back when you feel the need. Go somewhere and just breathe when you have to! Because the sad but true truth is, no one can make an addict quit until they decide to. From our perspective, as addicts - we do see your pain, and we do see what we put you through - and when we're comfortable, when we're high - one of the things that runs through our minds the most, is how it's NOT going to be like this forever. How we're going to get things under control, make it up to our loved ones, etc. Then we crash - and wake up with our first fix on our mind..... Right now, the addict I worry about has disrespected me in many ways, numerous times, including stealing from me - and yet, I strive to be understanding, remember all the down right F'ed up things I did to get money for my opiates when I was using, all the lies I told and try to be supportive - every time I go over this in my head, I feel sick about it. It's a sucker punch to my self respect - and yet when you care, you tend to let that slide, and keep hoping for the best. I know damn well I can't change him. In this sense, we are in the same boat. I need to set boundries - and stick to them, I need to protect myself as an individual and still try to remain strong and supportive to him. I do think though, that we both need to make sure we take care of ourselves and establish our comfort zones - and really not allow them to cross the line when it comes to the things that make us upset - perhaps you will not drive him to pick up drugs,(just borrowing from your initial post - of course this would be whatever you choose) and I do not let my BF alone in the the house because of the stealing. It's very hard, no doubt about it! But when you see that you can produce a little change, even a tiny one - it feels good, and you start to reclaim yourself again! I wish you all the luck in the world with this situation. I wish for you both healing,health and strength. And I'm checking in every day or so if you ever need someone to talk to or just to listen :\
 
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