veejusbutter
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jan 9, 2015
- Messages
- 1
In the past 8 months I have graduated from college, worked my first real 9-5 office (temporary) job, moved out of my college house and back home with my family, and generally have slept less, exercised less, and taken in more caffeine. This has also been my most active period of drug experimentation, and about 2 months ago it definitely caught up to me. I now feel symptoms of depression, frequent/ constant anxiety, persisting visuals that are definitely worsened by anxiety and stress.
My mother and girlfriend both say they don't recognize me, and feel that I am completely different from my former self. In early october, I attended a concert and tripped on a half tab of 25c, inhaled about .2 of ketamine, and smoked cannabis...I also inhaled 15 mg of Adderral the night before the show. I obviously felt some intense grogginess and cognitive dysfunction on the following day, but nothing out of the ordinary after having such a rough night/weekend. I felt relatively normal after a few weeks, except for the fact that I began to internally question the loyalty of my girlfriend and had trouble concentrating and prioritizing at work. I became hyperfocused on the thought of losing her, and looking back now, I had no logical reason to do so. (Still sorting out what insecurities I may have woken up that sparked the distrust).
2 weeks after the concert I binge drank to near blackout. 3 weeks after the concert night, I embarked on what was probably the most ill-advised psychadelic experience imaginable. Holding in great levels of paranoia about my girlfriend's infidelity that were not founded in reality, generally experiencing stress about recently finishing college and not having a specific career direction, and consuming high amounts of caffeine regularly, I downed 4.8 grams of the most potent (blue) psylocibin mushrooms I've ever eaten. ( I had also taken several .2- .5 gram tastes of the batch in the weeks leading up to the 4.8 grammer. I had some dark, anxious moments during the trip, but overall it was a pretty cool experience. Lasted about 11 hours. Socialized, ate some junk food, talked about music and bullshit. I had a pretty tough time making conversation at the height of the trip, but it did not seem abnormal especially considering the high dose. At some point during this month I started finding it harder to put thoughts to words even while sober, and make quick clever remarks the way I used to, but I figured I was just fatigued from work/stress etc. Days after the trip, I felt somewhat normal, except I became more hyperfocused on thoughts of my girlfriend's infidelity, a notion that I still believe was completely void of factual evidence.
The weekend after the trip was halloween, and on that night I drank lightly and did one line of cocaine. I spent most of the evening with my girlfriend and her friends, and was generally irritable, silent, mildly depressed, and had trouble putting thoughts to words. I was holding on to my girfriends house keys during the evening, and at some point I lost them at a party. For whatever reason, I became hyperfocused on this mistake. I couldn't forgive myself for such a minor (and easily fixable) mistake. Again, I don't know what sort of insecurities my drug use may have awoken in my mind, but I was never the type of person to be so neurotic/ panicky. During the following week of work, I was pretty much a mess. I got nothing done. I was paranoid about my relationship, my future, and my regrets constantly, to the point where I could hardly function mentally in the moment. Again, I just thought I was stressed out because of my new working lifestyle, and general loathe for my job. 10 days after Halloween I had plans to attend a concert with an old friend, and I was not really in a good place. Same feelings of paranoia/anxiety/mild depression. I took a white blotter of LSD for the evening. Much like the 5 gram mushroom trip from two weeks prior, this was extremely ill-advised. I had always been the type of person to do my research on such substances, and I knew the risks, but for some reason I feel that I disrespected the power of hallucinogens in a big way. I know I did. I slept for 3 hours that night and somehow made it to work. I worked through excel spreadsheets for 8 hours while still experiencing pretty intense visuals that made the text on screen wave and discolor. I had alright not been feeling like myself and after that I was honestly never the same. Psychosis, loss of hope, paranoia/anxiety/ stress (still consuming the caffeine), hyperfocusing on the past and my perceived "mistakes", inability to focus at work, and complete lack of interest in spending time with any people or doing any hobbies I used to enjoy. I still spent time with my girlfriend, because at this point, I felt that, not only was I losing her to someone else, but she was also the only enjoyable aspect of my life that remained.
I started going to a talk therapist once a week, and it helped, but only to calm me down for a few hours after each visit. I also had mild persisting visuals that resembled the visuals from my 4.8 gram shrooms trip in late october, but they came and went, and were something I had gotten used to since first experimenting with hallucinogens years before. I could not turn my negative thoughts and feelings around though. By thanksgiving, I had grown extremely unproductive at work, and really did not enjoy anything. I stopped exercising ( I used to be a gym rat), I could barely sleep, I was mostly silent, neglected my diet and hygiene, and pretty much showed every sign of major depression. I got very restless and insufficient sleep because I would stay up ruminating on past mistakes and general "could have should have would have" thoughts. I continued to force myself through excruciating and unproductive days at work, only to come home to what felt like misery (even though I have a very loving family), and to occasionally fake enjoyment around my girlfriend, who I had felt that I lost even though she showed deep sympathy for the recent onset of hopelessness in my life.
My old group of college friends had a drinking reunion scheduled for mid december, which I reluctantly attended, because I knew that forcing yourself to socialize was a good way to battle depression. I felt very insecure in conversation, felt that I had little to say, and felt pretty strong symptoms of social anxiety, which had also started showing up more in my interactions at work. That was the first night of my life that I knowingly and willingly drank to forget/ cope. I hated the unfamiliar levels of anxiety/stress/social anxiety/uncertainty in my life, and I took 12 shots of tequila in less than an hour to forget about. I got kicked out of a bar that night, blacked out, and vomited on the floor of my friends apartment. Woke up the next day with pretty intense, shroom reminiscent visuals. I went to spend the day with my girlfriend the day after and it was disastrous. We tried to nap together, and I literally could not sleep. Not even for a few minutes. When she woke up, I realized that I could barely hold a conversation with my favorite person, and even felt extreme social anxiety around her as well. We tried messing around, and I couldn't get or maintain an erection ( I'm 22!). After several hours of trying to put a mask of playfulness and enjoyment over my internal feelings of deep despair and hopelessness, I left her apartment abruptly, awkwardly, sweating, and with tremors. That was a saturday, and I did not make it to work the following week.
I stayed home from work all week, because I was unable to sleep or even function on a basic level. Even with chamomile and ZZZquil I could not drift off even to a few hours of restful sleep ( obviously I got some small amounts here and there or I would be dead). On Wednesday I went to the doctor, who prescribed me SSRIs. I was honest with him about the drug use, but saying 25c and psylocibin to a primary care physician is like asking your plumber for digestion advice. SSRIs take weeks to kick in, so that obviously was not going to alleviate my insomnia. The next day, I caved, and came out to my family about all of my drug experimentation and the intensity of my anxiety. Ended up going through the whole psych ward charade where they evaluate your sanity, spook you with their fox news interpretation of drug experimentation, and try to push you on to a psychiatrist. The anxiety from the experience exacerbated the persisting visuals, which are still as bad as ever now in early January.
I know this post is extremely long, and not really directed at any one issue, but I don't know what to address first at this point. I'm jobless, my family and girlfriend don't recognize me, and I constantly feel like everyone (adults/ job interviewers/parents/girlfriend) are judging me, when really all they have been is concerned. I refused the SSRIs my doctor prescribed, because I was afraid to take them. I've read that SSRIs can worsen persisting visuals, which spooked me even more. I'm doing talk therapy, but I still feel pretty high levels of social anixety, depressive symptoms, and still find myself unable to stop ruminating in the past. I'm not sure if I've awakened some dormant mental illness, or what my next steps should be. I want to at least try medication, but there are so many factors at play here that I am somewhat paranoid about a misdiagnosis, and I also don't want to fall under the assumption that I can completely close the perceptive doors I have opened just by relying on an SSRI or a benzo. Anyone who has experienced HPPD, psychosis, or anxiety, delusions, or depression induced by hallucinogens I appreciate any recovery/coping advice or personal experiences you may wish to share. PS - I am very aware that I was extremely disrespectful of the power of these substances, and that possibly all of the experiences described above were not advisable given the circumstances of my life at the time. I know that much of what I am feeling is circumstantial anxiety, having just finished college and not having a job, but I hate not feeling like my old self even on a minute level. I feel very blank. I have little interest in things that used to make me happy, I spend most of time researching mental illness and self-diagnosing, and my personality shows levels of introversion and neuroticism which are frankly not familiar. I used to require very little to be happy. My testosterone and libido are shot as well.
My mother and girlfriend both say they don't recognize me, and feel that I am completely different from my former self. In early october, I attended a concert and tripped on a half tab of 25c, inhaled about .2 of ketamine, and smoked cannabis...I also inhaled 15 mg of Adderral the night before the show. I obviously felt some intense grogginess and cognitive dysfunction on the following day, but nothing out of the ordinary after having such a rough night/weekend. I felt relatively normal after a few weeks, except for the fact that I began to internally question the loyalty of my girlfriend and had trouble concentrating and prioritizing at work. I became hyperfocused on the thought of losing her, and looking back now, I had no logical reason to do so. (Still sorting out what insecurities I may have woken up that sparked the distrust).
2 weeks after the concert I binge drank to near blackout. 3 weeks after the concert night, I embarked on what was probably the most ill-advised psychadelic experience imaginable. Holding in great levels of paranoia about my girlfriend's infidelity that were not founded in reality, generally experiencing stress about recently finishing college and not having a specific career direction, and consuming high amounts of caffeine regularly, I downed 4.8 grams of the most potent (blue) psylocibin mushrooms I've ever eaten. ( I had also taken several .2- .5 gram tastes of the batch in the weeks leading up to the 4.8 grammer. I had some dark, anxious moments during the trip, but overall it was a pretty cool experience. Lasted about 11 hours. Socialized, ate some junk food, talked about music and bullshit. I had a pretty tough time making conversation at the height of the trip, but it did not seem abnormal especially considering the high dose. At some point during this month I started finding it harder to put thoughts to words even while sober, and make quick clever remarks the way I used to, but I figured I was just fatigued from work/stress etc. Days after the trip, I felt somewhat normal, except I became more hyperfocused on thoughts of my girlfriend's infidelity, a notion that I still believe was completely void of factual evidence.
The weekend after the trip was halloween, and on that night I drank lightly and did one line of cocaine. I spent most of the evening with my girlfriend and her friends, and was generally irritable, silent, mildly depressed, and had trouble putting thoughts to words. I was holding on to my girfriends house keys during the evening, and at some point I lost them at a party. For whatever reason, I became hyperfocused on this mistake. I couldn't forgive myself for such a minor (and easily fixable) mistake. Again, I don't know what sort of insecurities my drug use may have awoken in my mind, but I was never the type of person to be so neurotic/ panicky. During the following week of work, I was pretty much a mess. I got nothing done. I was paranoid about my relationship, my future, and my regrets constantly, to the point where I could hardly function mentally in the moment. Again, I just thought I was stressed out because of my new working lifestyle, and general loathe for my job. 10 days after Halloween I had plans to attend a concert with an old friend, and I was not really in a good place. Same feelings of paranoia/anxiety/mild depression. I took a white blotter of LSD for the evening. Much like the 5 gram mushroom trip from two weeks prior, this was extremely ill-advised. I had always been the type of person to do my research on such substances, and I knew the risks, but for some reason I feel that I disrespected the power of hallucinogens in a big way. I know I did. I slept for 3 hours that night and somehow made it to work. I worked through excel spreadsheets for 8 hours while still experiencing pretty intense visuals that made the text on screen wave and discolor. I had alright not been feeling like myself and after that I was honestly never the same. Psychosis, loss of hope, paranoia/anxiety/ stress (still consuming the caffeine), hyperfocusing on the past and my perceived "mistakes", inability to focus at work, and complete lack of interest in spending time with any people or doing any hobbies I used to enjoy. I still spent time with my girlfriend, because at this point, I felt that, not only was I losing her to someone else, but she was also the only enjoyable aspect of my life that remained.
I started going to a talk therapist once a week, and it helped, but only to calm me down for a few hours after each visit. I also had mild persisting visuals that resembled the visuals from my 4.8 gram shrooms trip in late october, but they came and went, and were something I had gotten used to since first experimenting with hallucinogens years before. I could not turn my negative thoughts and feelings around though. By thanksgiving, I had grown extremely unproductive at work, and really did not enjoy anything. I stopped exercising ( I used to be a gym rat), I could barely sleep, I was mostly silent, neglected my diet and hygiene, and pretty much showed every sign of major depression. I got very restless and insufficient sleep because I would stay up ruminating on past mistakes and general "could have should have would have" thoughts. I continued to force myself through excruciating and unproductive days at work, only to come home to what felt like misery (even though I have a very loving family), and to occasionally fake enjoyment around my girlfriend, who I had felt that I lost even though she showed deep sympathy for the recent onset of hopelessness in my life.
My old group of college friends had a drinking reunion scheduled for mid december, which I reluctantly attended, because I knew that forcing yourself to socialize was a good way to battle depression. I felt very insecure in conversation, felt that I had little to say, and felt pretty strong symptoms of social anxiety, which had also started showing up more in my interactions at work. That was the first night of my life that I knowingly and willingly drank to forget/ cope. I hated the unfamiliar levels of anxiety/stress/social anxiety/uncertainty in my life, and I took 12 shots of tequila in less than an hour to forget about. I got kicked out of a bar that night, blacked out, and vomited on the floor of my friends apartment. Woke up the next day with pretty intense, shroom reminiscent visuals. I went to spend the day with my girlfriend the day after and it was disastrous. We tried to nap together, and I literally could not sleep. Not even for a few minutes. When she woke up, I realized that I could barely hold a conversation with my favorite person, and even felt extreme social anxiety around her as well. We tried messing around, and I couldn't get or maintain an erection ( I'm 22!). After several hours of trying to put a mask of playfulness and enjoyment over my internal feelings of deep despair and hopelessness, I left her apartment abruptly, awkwardly, sweating, and with tremors. That was a saturday, and I did not make it to work the following week.
I stayed home from work all week, because I was unable to sleep or even function on a basic level. Even with chamomile and ZZZquil I could not drift off even to a few hours of restful sleep ( obviously I got some small amounts here and there or I would be dead). On Wednesday I went to the doctor, who prescribed me SSRIs. I was honest with him about the drug use, but saying 25c and psylocibin to a primary care physician is like asking your plumber for digestion advice. SSRIs take weeks to kick in, so that obviously was not going to alleviate my insomnia. The next day, I caved, and came out to my family about all of my drug experimentation and the intensity of my anxiety. Ended up going through the whole psych ward charade where they evaluate your sanity, spook you with their fox news interpretation of drug experimentation, and try to push you on to a psychiatrist. The anxiety from the experience exacerbated the persisting visuals, which are still as bad as ever now in early January.
I know this post is extremely long, and not really directed at any one issue, but I don't know what to address first at this point. I'm jobless, my family and girlfriend don't recognize me, and I constantly feel like everyone (adults/ job interviewers/parents/girlfriend) are judging me, when really all they have been is concerned. I refused the SSRIs my doctor prescribed, because I was afraid to take them. I've read that SSRIs can worsen persisting visuals, which spooked me even more. I'm doing talk therapy, but I still feel pretty high levels of social anixety, depressive symptoms, and still find myself unable to stop ruminating in the past. I'm not sure if I've awakened some dormant mental illness, or what my next steps should be. I want to at least try medication, but there are so many factors at play here that I am somewhat paranoid about a misdiagnosis, and I also don't want to fall under the assumption that I can completely close the perceptive doors I have opened just by relying on an SSRI or a benzo. Anyone who has experienced HPPD, psychosis, or anxiety, delusions, or depression induced by hallucinogens I appreciate any recovery/coping advice or personal experiences you may wish to share. PS - I am very aware that I was extremely disrespectful of the power of these substances, and that possibly all of the experiences described above were not advisable given the circumstances of my life at the time. I know that much of what I am feeling is circumstantial anxiety, having just finished college and not having a job, but I hate not feeling like my old self even on a minute level. I feel very blank. I have little interest in things that used to make me happy, I spend most of time researching mental illness and self-diagnosing, and my personality shows levels of introversion and neuroticism which are frankly not familiar. I used to require very little to be happy. My testosterone and libido are shot as well.
Last edited by a moderator:
