Please help me- heroin addict boyfriend

[Mmmdddmmm0]

I recently found out that my boyfriend of nearly a year has been doing dope. He started doing oxy a couple of months ago and moved onto dope about a month ago. He has had a history of heroin and has been in and out of rehabs- I found out, confronted him and he would just lie and lie and lie. About everything, even though I knew what was really going on. I got sick of it, broke up with him and told him I couldn't be with him if he was going to keep lying, he didn't want me to help him. The next day he calls me saying that it was his first day clean, he's ready to stop, will stop lying, wants me to help him and needs me by his side. It's been 3 days of him being "clean" now and I saw him today. No signs of withdrawal, dilated pupils. He swears he's clean for good now. Am I dumb for believing him? Would he be showing signs of withdrawal? What can I do to help him? Please help me, I'm driving myself crazy over this.

 

[cook]

Sounds like he is in active addiction and getting "clean" for you, it almost always doesnt work and you will be putting yourself at risk.

He should be pretty sick for a week or so if he truly stopped cold turkey, so theres something in there that doesnt add up.

 

[Jan108]

He's lying to you.

My roommate is an addict too (just checked himself into detox this morning actually) and he's 110% honest with me about his habits (tho he lies to his gf about it but she's a bitch and I'd be lying too if I were in his shoes...). He has been addicted to a few things in the past he's told me, but this time it's oxy. He snorts 10+ 80's a day. While I have never had an addiction, that seems really high to me.

He tried to taper off on his own, giving me his drugs so I can dole them out to him. I'm sorry, but if he quit, you'd see it within hours of his last hit (if he's anything like my roommate). My guy gets sick. Really sick. Sweat pours off him one minute, then he's freezing the next, he gets bad restless legs (and arms), he is in physical pain, he pukes, he shits, he coughs, he can't sleep, up most of the night, he gets super depressed, crying, hating life, wanting to either kill himself or go rob someone for $$ for pills... jonesing totally bad, and this is all within hours. 24 hours after his last oxy, he is a total and complete wreck, physically and emotionally.

Not a whole lot you can do. Just be there... be supportive, don't nag and threaten him, that's not going to do him any good, just listen and support. If you truly can't do that, or can't deal with it, then leave and do not contact him. Tell him when he's truly clean for a period of time, then to get in touch. My guy is having issues with his stupid gf. They break up, he tries to move on, she contacts him (same thing, she caught him snorting and walked out), freaks out on him, tries to control him, breaks up, then texts him days later saying she misses him and wants to cuddle, total mindfuck for him, something he doesn't need while he's trying to get clean. He does things that drive me nuts but I don't say anything. He doesn't have anyone who he can go to or get support from so I just shut my mouth and am just there for him. I let him rant, cry, hell, he's even been so depressed that he's come to sleep in the same bed as me so as not to be alone.

If he was truly in withdrawl, trust me, you'd know it, even after only a day. After 3 days there is no way he'd be walking around like a normal, functioning person. At least this is what I've observed in my dealings with my roomie.

 

[ATLL765]

There's no way for us to know better than you would as to whether he's lying to you or not.

As far as withdrawal symptoms: He wasn't using for very long, so for him to feel ok after 3 days seems about right. Usually acute withdrawal from heroin lasts 3-5 days. Not sure what the other poster was saying about being sick for a week. I've been addicted to heroin for 5 years and I've always gotten through acute withdrawal by day 5 at the latest.

It's really hard to say whether he's being sincere in wanting to get and stay clean. You have to decide whether you truly love him and if the relationship is worth dealing with this with him. If you decide it is, you have to be understanding that recovery is a process and a long at that. This doesn't mean you should just accept him lying to you or constant relapses, but it does mean that you shouldn't have a zero tolerance policy on him making mistakes. He will fuck up, that's a guarantee, you shouldn't kill him over that, you should judge him based on how he responds after making a mistake.

If he relapses, does he be honest with you about it by telling you and doing his best to make sure that it's a one time thing and doesn't let himself fall back into addiction?

Is he open with you about how he's feeling and the problems he's dealing with instead of bottling things up?

Things like this are what you need to be looking at. Try to be there and be understanding of what he's going through. Chances are he's going to be a less than ideal boyfriend during at least the beginning of this process. Staying clean is hard and he may suffer from PAWS(Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms) which will leave him feeling depressed, anxious and experiencing less joy from activities he previously liked and just enjoying life less in general. Try not to be angry with him for this because it's something that he has little control over and likely causes him pain as well.

So again, you need to really sit back and think about whether you're truly committed to the relationship and whether he's someone you're willing to deal with these things for. If you do, be prepared for the problems that will arise and do your best to support him, while also making your boundaries clear so he understands that you will not put up with anymore lying about drug use or a lack of effort on his part to stay away from drugs.

 

[Jan108]

That's assuming he's been telling her the truth about how long he's been using for.

ATLL has some really good advice. I have never dealt with an addict before, at least not to this extent and I've seen some of these things from the guy I live with even just after a day. I've seen the depression and the anxiousness here and there, but he always used to find a way to get the drugs, even if it was me giving him money for them just so I don't see him in pain.

BUT... our situation is different I think. It started off by him renting a room in my house, then we became friends, he got comfortable with me and would talk to me about everything, his idiot girlfriend, his drug habits, bad things that have happened to him growing up, all kinds of things. We just started trusting each other and confiding in each other and yes, we have slipped up and fooled around and there are some feelings involved on both sides but we did start as friends who were open about everything so I think that's the difference for me. I've not lied to him, and as far as I can tell, he's not lied to me. I've lent him money for drugs, but he always has paid it back when he said he would, even if it left him broke.

I have seen what he gets like when he tries to stop, or at least taper down some and I have to be honest, it's NOT pretty. Not in the least. You need to decide if you can handle it. I have cleaned puke off the toilet, off walls, puke out of towels he's puked in in his bedroom because he was too sick to make it to the bathroom, I've seen him not shower for days, not eat, have heard him up all hours of the night sketching out and I have to say, if this was sprung on me, as a lie that I found out about and the continual lying, I'm not so sure I'd stick around. Just being honest. The only reason I do stick around is because he IS a good guy, he's never lied or stolen from me (he knows where I keep my weed and he'll call or text me if he's out just to ask if he could have some, at least he's an honest junkie I guess...) and he's been good to me, he treats me well and and is very respectful and he's someone I've grown to care about (as a friend, first and foremost) and yeah, there are times when I wanted to kill him but it goes with the territory I suppose.

If you don't think you can deal with it, then walk right now. I see my guys girlfriend - dunno what else to call her, they've been split for awhile, that's how he ended up at my place, but even before that, they've not had sex in over a year, but she keeps fucking with his head and it messes him up some bad. The guy has enough on his plate to deal with and she's just making things worse. Of course, he's letting her, but he still loves her so what do you do there? I just feel bad for him because he has tried to end it lots of times and she keeps messing with him every few days and I see the effect it has on him. If you want to help him, you need to be there for him 100%, none of this on/off crap, not when he's got so much going on (if what he's saying is true).

Mine checked into detox this morning. He says he's had enough, he wants his life back. He's tried it on his own and just can't do it. He'll be in for 7 days. I can't wait till he gets out. I know that he'll still have major struggles, but hopefully these next 7 days will be enough for him to be able to do it on his own for the most part afterwards.

Sorry, I got carried away here. Your post just reminded me of the shit going on in my house with his gf and all the arguing and stuff, and also what I've experienced firsthand with him. I'm no expert, by any means, but I just wanted to respond based on my experiences with an addict (to this degree at least anyways).

 

[Mmmdddmmm0]

Thank you guys for all your advice, I appreciate it so so so much. I really do love him and want to help him get through this. It's just hard when he seems kinda like a different person, but I understand it's the drugs. I've told him a million times that he doesn't have to lie to me, that if he relapses it's okay I'm not going to leave him, I just want to know so that I can try to help him thru it. I've dealt with addiction in my past, but with Xanax and coke so I kinda understand (not fully, everyone's addiction is their own). I just don't know how to get him to stop lying to me. EVERY single thing I've found it, I've found out on my own, confronted him calmly, he denies it, then admits it any where from a minute to a day later. What the hell can I do for him to trust me? Because it just sucks driving myself crazy worrying over him, I just feel like a crazy girlfriend and sometimes I feel like I'm part of the reason why hes using dope as an escape.

 

[cook]

He might lie because he is ashamed or afraid. But addicts lie all the time, its so common it is kind of part of the disease of addiction. Dont become his mom or take too much responsibility over his decisions, its not your fault. And accept that you may be not able to heal him.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency

That is how people close to addicts usually get intro trouble themselves.

 

[nygiants1313]

Hey i can tell you from personal experience you need to walk away for good. Otherwise i promise theres a good chance you will waste precious years of your life. Im in and out if using still but know im addicted for life and will most likely lose the good fight. Most likely he will never quit for good, possibly taking your credit down and just pls go

 

[LilikoiMoon]

Hey i can tell you from personal experience you need to walk away for good. Otherwise i promise theres a good chance you will waste precious years of your life. Im in and out if using still but know im addicted for life and will most likely lose the good fight. Most likely he will never quit for good, possibly taking your credit down and just pls go

This is good advice, but I'd like to add a few things.

Take it from a life long, struggling addict, who became addicted to pain meds after the murder of my toddler son.

Addicts should get clean for themselves, for their health and well being first, then try to act on demands by those they love.

Addiction is a life long struggle. You're not clean overnight, but in time, you can get clean. I always recommend therapy to aid addicts, it really helps to find your triggers.
I see a therapist once a month now mostly but since this is the month/anniversary of my son's death, I've been going twice weekly.

Quitting cold turkey almost guarantees relapse. Not finding an outlet for those emotions and keeping old contacts aids in relapse.

Years of addiction changes your brain chemistry. I truly believe this. Your pleasure zone knows no pleasure but feeding that zone your drug of choice.

Putting demands of "you better get clean overnight, or loose me" is too much on an addict. Until they get in a healthy place after withdrawals, which can take a good deal of time, they are unable to balance love of that drug over the love they have for you.

Withdrawals are uncomfortable, so bad at times it can make you suicidal. Methadone and Suboxone can help take that away, but you really don't want to be on them long term. Well, that's my opinion, any way.

Bottom line, time for you to do some soul searching. If your BF has a history of addiction, chances are, he's going to remain on that roller coaster ride for a long time to come, no matter what he feels for you.

If you are willing to aid him in sobriety with REALISTIC expectations, then offer to go to counseling, addiction support groups, methadone clinic, etc, then take a step back, act as a friend instead of a GF. Only then can you determine if you want to waste your life with an addict.

Lastly, a majority of overdoses and OD deaths occur when you go through all the above, after bouts of sobriety, when tolerance is low. This is why it is so important to take many steps to avoid emotional turmoil during sobriety, it's a major trigger to make you relapse.

 

[pill_billy]

Lastly, a majority of overdoses and OD deaths occur when you go through all the above, after bouts of sobriety, when tolerance is low. This is why it is so important to take many steps to avoid emotional turmoil during sobriety, it's a major trigger to make you relapse.

that is soooo true... it had only been 2 weeks since i did any H and i got a bun and put 2 folds in a shot and did four shots over 8-9 hour period when i went to do the last on i overdosed and thankfully woke up with a rig full of blood... i think i did half of the shot and fell out when i pulled back to see if i was still in the vein...

 

[mostly-human]

No way of knowing how long his WD would last for, without knowing exactly how much and what quality he was using. That said - a couple months of weaker opiates followed by a month of here and there heroin use, one could quite reasonably be fairly ok after 2-3 days.

Also, dilated pupils certainly indicates he is NOT on heroin - it constricts your pupils to a fucking pinpoint.

That said, speaking from my own experience, I would say you can probably expect this shit your entire life if you stay with this guy. I'm honestly not saying to break up with him, but understand what you'e getting into.

 

[mostly-human]

This is good advice, but I'd like to add a few things.

Take it from a life long, struggling addict, who became addicted to pain meds after the murder of my toddler son.

Addicts should get clean for themselves, for their health and well being first, then try to act on demands by those they love.

Addiction is a life long struggle. You're not clean overnight, but in time, you can get clean. I always recommend therapy to aid addicts, it really helps to find your triggers.
I see a therapist once a month now mostly but since this is the month/anniversary of my son's death, I've been going twice weekly.

Quitting cold turkey almost guarantees relapse. Not finding an outlet for those emotions and keeping old contacts aids in relapse.

Years of addiction changes your brain chemistry. I truly believe this. Your pleasure zone knows no pleasure but feeding that zone your drug of choice.

Putting demands of "you better get clean overnight, or loose me" is too much on an addict. Until they get in a healthy place after withdrawals, which can take a good deal of time, they are unable to balance love of that drug over the love they have for you.

Withdrawals are uncomfortable, so bad at times it can make you suicidal. Methadone and Suboxone can help take that away, but you really don't want to be on them long term. Well, that's my opinion, any way.

Bottom line, time for you to do some soul searching. If your BF has a history of addiction, chances are, he's going to remain on that roller coaster ride for a long time to come, no matter what he feels for you.

If you are willing to aid him in sobriety with REALISTIC expectations, then offer to go to counseling, addiction support groups, methadone clinic, etc, then take a step back, act as a friend instead of a GF. Only then can you determine if you want to waste your life with an addict.

Lastly, a majority of overdoses and OD deaths occur when you go through all the above, after bouts of sobriety, when tolerance is low. This is why it is so important to take many steps to avoid emotional turmoil during sobriety, it's a major trigger to make you relapse.

Fantastic advice, by the way. Depressing, but bang-on.

 

[ssc2015]

I will say this, before I ended up becoming addicted to opiates my husband was addicted to h and pain pills. He would always lie to me about using but of course I knew..i was very smart when it came to these kinds of things..but I was always calm about it and I was really understanding..and after a little bit of time he soon began to realize he could be honest with me because he knew I wouldn't judge him. Now we have a very great relationship. I now though have a problem but we are both working together to get ourselves clean. We are both taking subs at home. I will say this be careful, I know you have said you had your problems in the past, by dont get yourself caught up in an opiate addiction..i swore ip and down I would never become addicted to anything and now I'm addicted to opiates and these withdrawals suck! But if you really do love him you will stick by him no matter what..he will have relapses but just stand by him and help him get through it..it will be difficult, but you will be able to get through it together ..

 

[ssc2015]

Just stay positive and let him know everything will be okay..ive watched so many people I love go through addiction and I've also lost my mother due to addiction..I'm not telling you what to do, but maybe counceling will be helpful and going to aa meeting..my husband was 7 months clean and he went to aa meeting every single day for 7 months until he broke his arm and then he relapsed..i wish you luck and keep your head up and stay positive �� things will get better..it may take a little time but I will get better.