Thank you bearlove, thank you in advance to anyone who reads it and has some advice, and sorry about the length just want to cover everything
Its been 10 months and I am beginning to truly believe that the damage I have caused is going to be permanent. I have made some bad decisions in life but this one tops the list. Despite the amount of time since the incident I still have trouble being in the same room and talking to even my closest friends as I am not longer to hold a decent conversation, take information in or fight off the anxiety. I am posting here to asks for any advice or if anyone can put me in touch with a person a organisation that can offer assistance as I am desperately in need of help now. This is my final shot and although the old saying goes suicide is never the answer, but sometimes I think it is better than living life like a human vegetable.
And despite how that sounds I have not got or had at any point since the incident, depression. I am simply over waiting for results or changes in circumstances that seem unlikely to eventuate, which has been heightened but the lack of help I have received. Although a friend put me on to this website and from what I have read you all appear to be an amazing community with some genuinely caring people so I thought it would be stupid not to reach out to you for help.
Just a small back ground, I am a 29yr Australian commercial pilot, whom put my career on hold at the beginning of 2014 to work in Europe as a coach driver as I love travelling and wanted to follow my passion and show others Europe which I love.
Before the incident I was an extremely social, quick witted person whom loved to learn as much as possible.
What happened:
Hugely long story about a massive life transformation which resulted in massive social and financial loss to chase something I wanted badly. After failing a required test resulting in the possibility it was all for nothing I decided to go home and drink a litre of Rum in March this year.
After which I was invited to a party of a friend in London and was offered cocaine, and despite initially refusing eventually gave in as everyone in the party was having some and I was drunk, tired and just wanted to forget the day. The night continued and MDMA and amyl nitrates or alkyl nitrite were also passed around. By the end of the night I would have sniffed approximately 10 smallish lines each of both Cocaine and MDMA and sniffed the bottle of amyl nitrates a further 10 – 12 times as well as drinking approximately another 8 500ml cans of beer.
This was spread over approximately 12 hour period.
The next morning I woke up feeling terrible, but had kind of expected that. And although the sickness started to subside by the 3
rd day the clarity of my thoughts nor my balance had not returned to normal. Worse was probably my slurring speech and high anxiety. This was 10 months ago and I am still suffering from the side affects and really trying to resolve the issue and am desperate for assistance.
What effects have occurred:
- slight dizziness
- headaches when trying to read, or learn something
- difficulty with speech and pronunciation including slurred speech
- difficulty remembering the words to songs
- difficulty constructing correct sentences
- difficulty remembering the phrases or the correct words to say
- increased social anxiety due to the above
- constant feeling of fatigue and sleepiness
- short and long term memory loss
- no longer interested in studying and nothing excited me anymore
- feels like I have approximately 65% of my original intellect, but this is up from about 50% earlier this year. It has been an extremely slow process however it does not feel like it will ever return to the way it was.
Words on a page are the same as when you relax your eye and they blur. That is now the norm.
Was an extremely relaxed person now I get frustrated and agitated quite easily which can become a temper. Possibly because I can’t think on responses or how I should respond, when I used to be very quick witted.
Am finding myself becoming more and more reclusive even from my closest friends, in their company I have anxiety and trouble making conversation and find myself just wanting to leave. Then when I get home I ask myself what’s the point of being here. I am finding no joy in anything I am doing now. Whereas before you couldn’t stop me doing a million things and seeing a million people always wanting to learn something new.
The best way I can describe it is like being in a constant hangover from an extremely big night. I can’t think straight, or remember what I am doing, I am dizzy and just want to be alone and away from everyone.
Difficult to be around people in particularly in one on one situations as my brain speed is not fast enough to hold a decent conversation. Also because it is difficult to take in new information I tend to tune out of conversations and become bored and wanting to be by myself again. Then if I am in a large group I get anxiety as I don't want to be put on the spot to answer any questions as I am not sure I will be able to come up with a suitable answer quickly enough.
What I have done since the incident:
- 1 week after visited a GP in London who was no help
- approx 2 days after I went to the ER of a hospital and was told if no signs of improvement were observed then to come back from a CAT scan.
- Went back a week later for a CAT scan and spoke to a consultant, whom suggested I come back in a week for a MRI
- Came back a week later and had the MRI, however they could not give me the results.
- Went to work in Europe for the next 4-5 months and despite constant phone calls no one could give me the results.
- Came back in London in early October and was finally given results which stated
no significant intracranial abnormality shown. However a developmental venous anomaly is incidentally noted in the left corona radiate, draining to the thalamostriate vein.
- No one was available to tell me what this meant.
- Came back to Australia and visited a GP whom referred me to a Neurologist.
- Neurologist cost $400 and was not interest in what I had to say, instead treating me with content as if I was a drug addict.
- Sent me to get MRI and MRA scans which cost a further $200.00
- Received a phone call from his secretary stating that everything seemed fine. No explanation about what had occurred or suggestions about what I can do in the future.
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Instead I have taken it upon myself to get 3 tablets of fish oil, 4 ginko biloba and multi vitamins, Rhodiola Rosea and creatine powder every day to improve cognitive function. I also have trained on lumosity 3 times a week and started juggling to try and improve brain speed.
It has been almost 3 months and nothing seems of this and still no obvious signs of change.
What I want out of this:
- Determine what might have happened to my brain to make it react this way.
- If there are any public institutions I can go to speak to someone about improving my cognitive function preferably in the public sector in either London or Australia. Or if anyone has any suggestions at all about what I should do I would be more grateful then you would ever know. I would wish this upon anyone as all my dreams I once had are fizzling away and I am just getting over life.
Thank you in advance
