So I cut my sub dose down - it was one of my NYE resolutions. I don't want to sit here doing subs all my life, if I"m going to waste money and be addicted to a drug I'd rather it be one that got me high honestly. But I don't want to be a heroin addict anymore, so I need to just cut out all drugs entirely. And I'm doing it, but today is my first day on the lower dose (1.5 mg) and I'm feeling it more than I thought I would. I just feel really really really sober/a tiny bit dopesick. I can't enjoy anything. I'm worrying a lot. And I know this is temporary but god, does it fucking suck.
Sometimes I want to use, but now I know and can talk myself through what would happen if I used. I used to just see it as nirvana - like god if I could just do some dope I'd feel so much better, and that's as far as I took it. Now I make myself go all the way through it in my brain and be HONEST. Ok I'd go score. Come back. Do the dope. I would feel relaxed and less anxious but that beautiful floaty euphoria? I haven't had that in a while, and I'm sure not going to have it with subs in my system. So then I'd do more thinking I can break through. It wouldn't work. And then I'd just start to feel like a drugged out zombie, I'd look in the mirror and see my eyes all pinned, and I'd think about how out-of-reality I am in that moment, how pathetic it is to be snorting up some brown goop that's made out of god knows what and been god knows where, just to get a little relief from anxiety (because thats all it really does if I"m honest). I'd feel how my body feels numb, and I'd think about how I got to spend the weekend with the guy I love recently but I was kicking dope and loaded up on gabapentin and subs and I feel like I didn't really connect with him how I wanted to because I was a stupid drugged out mess. And then I'd just feel super sad and be like "ok this is IT. This is the LAST time I cop".
So once I go through that in my mind, I usually really don't want to cop anymore.
Right now it's 1:21 am. I should try to go lay down and sleep, but I so want to take 2 more mg sub. Sitting here fighting with myself about it.
It all just sucks, that's all. It sucks so much. I would give almost anything to just know what it is to feel NORMAL again. I honestly don't have a clue.
Sorry to be a downer to start the new year. I'm clean of H, so that's something, right?
eta: I went to go see my ex's sister in the hospital today. She has brain cancer. It's taken her eye and part of her brain and some flaps of skin on her arms that they used to patch her up after the last surgery. she's on fentanyl and roxy and four other pain meds, steroids, cancer drugs, anti nausea drugs, anti vertigo drugs, and she's undergoing radiation. she's been in the hospital the past few days because she's so nauseated and dizzy she can't eat or drink or get up out of bed.
Despite a few minor health problems, I am, *knock on wood*, healthy. It makes me feel like nothing more than a gigantic idiotic selfish asshole to be risking my life and pissing it away doing heroin with this really cool person who deserves NONE of this is having her life siphoned away slowly bit by bit. It was a slap in the face tbh, a wake up call. I could be having a beautiful life, and I'm wasting it because I'm afraid to get off drugs and face life sober. It's time to bite the bullet and just do it.
No more subs, I'm going to bed.
everyone