i had around 5 months clean (no drugs at all, completely sober), used heroin/meth/cocaine, then i had 3 months clean ( again nothing at all), then used heroin 3 times and oxy a couple times. stayed off for around 3 months but still used kratom, oxycodone and hydrocodone on and off during those 3 months but i always had time between i was getting high. maybe it was 3-5 days before i used kratom , maybe 2 weeks, but no longer than that. my life was going good, or so it seemed. it was going a hell of a lot better than it had ever gone before and it was the most sobriety i had since i had started using drugs 7 years ago (even if it was a couple days or a week). my relationship grew so much with my parents, they finally trust me! i liked myself alot more and i applied back to school, got a better job, but i had no social life and i was very lonely. just worked alot. no meetings, nothing else but work and sleep.
eventually, i got bronchitis, and got a codeine script, then started to use fentanyl. i would use a week or two at a time, then stop for a 7-10 days, then use again. my dealer lived right next door with the hydrocodone and fentanyl, and eventually she moved away. thats when i contacted someone i knew with heroin. i used it, FELT soooo guilty!! and sware i would never use again... then two weeks later i was using it again. then i deleted all my numbers and vouched to just use kratom. well 2-3 weeks later i got high again and found an actual dealer. since then, i have used heroin 2-3 times a week, then have a couple days off. eventually it grew into using 4-5 times a week. i am moving in a week and i told myself that once i moved away i would delete the numbers, which has been my reason to use so much this past month.
christmas eve i scored meth and heroin, and finally came down the day after christmas. i dont know what it was, but i felt so broken mentally after coming down, i have never felt so depreesed in my life before. i wanted to come clean to my parents and tell them and ask for help, but i wanted to continue on with my plan to go back to school in 2 weeks and move into an apartment downtown near school and i was afraid that they would send me back to rehab or not let me go. the day after cristmas my grandfather died, and i got caught trying to steal my dads xanax (i feel sooo fucking stupid!!!) to try to help me sleep or i dont even know why. i ended up breaking down and crying and telling him that i have been using heroin again. i just couldnt lie about it anymore. my mom's father just died and we are waiting to tell my mom in a day or two because she is so devasted i cant hurt her anymore. but she is going to be sooo fucking hurt when she finds out i have been using again. i dont know if she will kick me out on the streets or what will happen.
the thing is i am so confused on what i want. i dont want to keep living the life i have been for the past 7 years, each year getting shittier and shittier. day by day, my only friend being drugs. day by day my only responsibility being getting high and nothing else. i had nothing else in my life, or so it felt like, other than heroin. i dont know if it is withdrawal, or if it is coming down from meth and sleep deprivation, or what it is, but i feel sooo fucking depressed. the shitty thing is i know that another shot of heroin will make it all better for tonight. but then i think about my family and my life and i get so sad i start to cry. i cant keep going on like this. i am only 21 years old and i feel so defeated. i dont want to wake up one day, and realize my life passed me by while i was shooting dope. in my gut i feel that i want to be sober, i want to experience all of life pleasures and meet a girl and have kids and travel abroad and study what i want and everything else. even the bad times, but then my mind tells me just one more time. just one more shot of dope.
i am so scared i will use again, and it is such a stressful time. going back to school, moving to a new place, moving to a new job, grandfather dying, parents finding out i am using, quiting dope. i wish i would have never used drugs in the first place!!!! will i ever get off drugs? am i doomed to a life of misery? it is all i have ever known since the age of 14. i dont know what to do. i just want to be like other people. how do they not think about doing heroin every day? how do they just have one glass of wine?
it is day 3 off opiates, and i feel so guilty because i went to my friends house to ask if he had any heroin when i said i wasnt going to use anymore! that i was done!! thank god he said he didnt have any, and i have no money to hit up my dope dude. and i am not about to go hustle, thank god i havent got back into pan handling, i dont know how everything is going to be okay. i keep trying to say it will be alright, i will be alright. i have stayed sober before, but always in jail or rehab or halfway house. but my dad lost his job and my parents have already sent me to 12 different rehab places. i have been to 4 different suboxone doctors, too many therapists and too many psychiatrists to count, been on every depression and anxiety drug there is. so that is out of the question.
just tell me it will be okay. i try not put emphasis on my thoughts and emotions because they are messed up right now. but the monkey on my back is still fucking with my head!! ughhh!!!!!
eventually, i got bronchitis, and got a codeine script, then started to use fentanyl. i would use a week or two at a time, then stop for a 7-10 days, then use again. my dealer lived right next door with the hydrocodone and fentanyl, and eventually she moved away. thats when i contacted someone i knew with heroin. i used it, FELT soooo guilty!! and sware i would never use again... then two weeks later i was using it again. then i deleted all my numbers and vouched to just use kratom. well 2-3 weeks later i got high again and found an actual dealer. since then, i have used heroin 2-3 times a week, then have a couple days off. eventually it grew into using 4-5 times a week. i am moving in a week and i told myself that once i moved away i would delete the numbers, which has been my reason to use so much this past month.
christmas eve i scored meth and heroin, and finally came down the day after christmas. i dont know what it was, but i felt so broken mentally after coming down, i have never felt so depreesed in my life before. i wanted to come clean to my parents and tell them and ask for help, but i wanted to continue on with my plan to go back to school in 2 weeks and move into an apartment downtown near school and i was afraid that they would send me back to rehab or not let me go. the day after cristmas my grandfather died, and i got caught trying to steal my dads xanax (i feel sooo fucking stupid!!!) to try to help me sleep or i dont even know why. i ended up breaking down and crying and telling him that i have been using heroin again. i just couldnt lie about it anymore. my mom's father just died and we are waiting to tell my mom in a day or two because she is so devasted i cant hurt her anymore. but she is going to be sooo fucking hurt when she finds out i have been using again. i dont know if she will kick me out on the streets or what will happen.
the thing is i am so confused on what i want. i dont want to keep living the life i have been for the past 7 years, each year getting shittier and shittier. day by day, my only friend being drugs. day by day my only responsibility being getting high and nothing else. i had nothing else in my life, or so it felt like, other than heroin. i dont know if it is withdrawal, or if it is coming down from meth and sleep deprivation, or what it is, but i feel sooo fucking depressed. the shitty thing is i know that another shot of heroin will make it all better for tonight. but then i think about my family and my life and i get so sad i start to cry. i cant keep going on like this. i am only 21 years old and i feel so defeated. i dont want to wake up one day, and realize my life passed me by while i was shooting dope. in my gut i feel that i want to be sober, i want to experience all of life pleasures and meet a girl and have kids and travel abroad and study what i want and everything else. even the bad times, but then my mind tells me just one more time. just one more shot of dope.
i am so scared i will use again, and it is such a stressful time. going back to school, moving to a new place, moving to a new job, grandfather dying, parents finding out i am using, quiting dope. i wish i would have never used drugs in the first place!!!! will i ever get off drugs? am i doomed to a life of misery? it is all i have ever known since the age of 14. i dont know what to do. i just want to be like other people. how do they not think about doing heroin every day? how do they just have one glass of wine?
it is day 3 off opiates, and i feel so guilty because i went to my friends house to ask if he had any heroin when i said i wasnt going to use anymore! that i was done!! thank god he said he didnt have any, and i have no money to hit up my dope dude. and i am not about to go hustle, thank god i havent got back into pan handling, i dont know how everything is going to be okay. i keep trying to say it will be alright, i will be alright. i have stayed sober before, but always in jail or rehab or halfway house. but my dad lost his job and my parents have already sent me to 12 different rehab places. i have been to 4 different suboxone doctors, too many therapists and too many psychiatrists to count, been on every depression and anxiety drug there is. so that is out of the question.
just tell me it will be okay. i try not put emphasis on my thoughts and emotions because they are messed up right now. but the monkey on my back is still fucking with my head!! ughhh!!!!!
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