I'll explain my situation towards guys.
It all began when I was 13 and realized I get turned on by gay porn. I would occasionally (once a month) masterbate to gay porn ever since I was 13. The orgasms were usually quite intense, more intense than most of my orgasms to females and I would only be aroused by oral sex. Gay anal sex never particularly aroused or disgusted me. The idea of making out and hugging/dating males disgusts me. I also would have intense dreams of giving oral sex to my brother, all the time. I feel those dreams had a deeper meaning of my denial, and since my brother and I share a room I feel it symbolized my keeping of attraction to men in the bedroom. I would wake up with intense disgust and shame from these dreams. One day I had enough of these dreams so I forced myself to stop having them. I let them stop bothering me and they went away. I stopped having the dreams for 3-4 months until it was replaced by a new kind of gay dream, but it was much less intense. This new dream would just be me denying being gay, or rejecting men trying to make out with me. Because of these dreams and the gay porn, I developed intense worry and anxiety daily. Now I never had the urge to try anything sexual with men in real life. When I see a man, I do analyze whether he is good looking or not. I do not feel anything sexual or think anything sexual. I only think they are competition, and the better looking guys are more competition. This intense competition eventually led to an obsession over male facial aesthetics and my facial aesthetics, and I would constantly compare other guys to me. I would also analyze women's behavior towards certain guys. I was obsessed with this for a few months, and would regularly read forums about it. Sometimes when girls tell me the guys they are attracted to I am surprised by it, but not by others. I notice the attractive guys in the hallways in school every time they walk by. When I am around gay men, I will feel uncomfortable depending on the situation and what's on my mind. Sometimes, I am not worrying about being gay so I do not notice the gay men around me and feel just fine. When I am worrying about the possibility of me being gay, I would grow uncomfortable around men. When men touch me I do not feel anything. I do not feel an attraction towards males in school, but after accepting the fact I may be bisexual I realize the attraction may be there, but just unacknowledged. That's all with my situation with guys.
Now to explain my situation towards females.
I realized I was attracted to females at age 8 when looking up naked girls on the internet. I was very intrigued and aroused by them. I had my first sexual encounter with a girl when I was 14. I was an avid porn watcher, and would masterbate daily ever since I was 12. I had extreme attractions towards certain girls and would develop crushes on girls all throughout middle school. In high school, I became better looking and thus attracted more girls. After receiving more attention, my sexual encounters skyrocketed. I had many sexual encounters with girls, and would never have a problem keeping an erection. I developed an obsession towards girls in general, and I feel the confusion of my sexuality may have inflated it. During my sophomore year of high school, my thinking was literally 90% women and 10% schoolwork. I would masterbate so much that I began to have much less intense orgasms, to the point where they didn't even feel good anymore. I also had sexual dreams with girls frequently. Much more frequently than the gay dreams. Whenever I decided to masterbate to gay porn, which was very rare for me (once a month) I would have a much more intense orgasm. I had a few relationships, and I fell in love with those girls very quickly. I grew over-attached and could not get over them for a very long time.
During my junior year and early senior year, I would lose my virginity and make out with random girls every weekend. The making out with girls always easily aroused me. I had no trouble whatsoever keeping an erection, even if I was in a period of frequent masterbation and non-intense orgasm. I loved attention from girls, and I have a particular taste. I like girls with tanner skin and brown eyes. I still had extreme attractions to very particular girls, and would choose to masterbate to them a lot. I would usually picture there faces on the porn stars bodies. Too much information, so be it. I think I need to get everything across, so I am sorry if I make you feel uncomfortable. Also, I always notice hot/attractive girls very quickly and feel a natural pull towards them. I also love when girls touch me. Now that's all I have to say about girls.
Moving on, now what made me admit to being bisexual?
Today I had another intense orgasm to gay porn. This resulted in the usual shame, guilt, worry, and anxiety. Because of the constant worry and anxiety, I felt that enough was enough and would cut to the chase and admit I was bi. I took the worrying and anxiety just as denial from being gay. Because of my experiences with girls then sudden unwanted experiences with guys, I would bounce back from thinking I am straight or gay. The confusion of bouncing back and forth drove me to grow anxiety and worry all the time and I want to end it. I just want a final conclusion. I just feel so disgusted and horrible about the notion of me being attracted to men because I loathe the idea of me dating a man (I would never date a man), and I dislike the entire lifestyle and would hate being a gay male, I also hate the entire idea of being gay and casual hook ups with men. I do not like anything about it, I prefer the straight life so much more. I feel strongly negatively towards being gay. Even if I am truly bisexual, it will no longer bother me anymore because I still will keep my preference to women. I only will continue to act on women, because I do not think acting on men would have a positive result emotionally, and I have no urge to do so.
Ultimately, am I a gay male in denial, a true bisexual, or a confused straight guy?
Also to add on, I forgot, when I am drunk I am completely straight. The anxieties and worries go away. I feel it's because I choose to portray my focus on women more while drunk.
It all began when I was 13 and realized I get turned on by gay porn. I would occasionally (once a month) masterbate to gay porn ever since I was 13. The orgasms were usually quite intense, more intense than most of my orgasms to females and I would only be aroused by oral sex. Gay anal sex never particularly aroused or disgusted me. The idea of making out and hugging/dating males disgusts me. I also would have intense dreams of giving oral sex to my brother, all the time. I feel those dreams had a deeper meaning of my denial, and since my brother and I share a room I feel it symbolized my keeping of attraction to men in the bedroom. I would wake up with intense disgust and shame from these dreams. One day I had enough of these dreams so I forced myself to stop having them. I let them stop bothering me and they went away. I stopped having the dreams for 3-4 months until it was replaced by a new kind of gay dream, but it was much less intense. This new dream would just be me denying being gay, or rejecting men trying to make out with me. Because of these dreams and the gay porn, I developed intense worry and anxiety daily. Now I never had the urge to try anything sexual with men in real life. When I see a man, I do analyze whether he is good looking or not. I do not feel anything sexual or think anything sexual. I only think they are competition, and the better looking guys are more competition. This intense competition eventually led to an obsession over male facial aesthetics and my facial aesthetics, and I would constantly compare other guys to me. I would also analyze women's behavior towards certain guys. I was obsessed with this for a few months, and would regularly read forums about it. Sometimes when girls tell me the guys they are attracted to I am surprised by it, but not by others. I notice the attractive guys in the hallways in school every time they walk by. When I am around gay men, I will feel uncomfortable depending on the situation and what's on my mind. Sometimes, I am not worrying about being gay so I do not notice the gay men around me and feel just fine. When I am worrying about the possibility of me being gay, I would grow uncomfortable around men. When men touch me I do not feel anything. I do not feel an attraction towards males in school, but after accepting the fact I may be bisexual I realize the attraction may be there, but just unacknowledged. That's all with my situation with guys.
Now to explain my situation towards females.
I realized I was attracted to females at age 8 when looking up naked girls on the internet. I was very intrigued and aroused by them. I had my first sexual encounter with a girl when I was 14. I was an avid porn watcher, and would masterbate daily ever since I was 12. I had extreme attractions towards certain girls and would develop crushes on girls all throughout middle school. In high school, I became better looking and thus attracted more girls. After receiving more attention, my sexual encounters skyrocketed. I had many sexual encounters with girls, and would never have a problem keeping an erection. I developed an obsession towards girls in general, and I feel the confusion of my sexuality may have inflated it. During my sophomore year of high school, my thinking was literally 90% women and 10% schoolwork. I would masterbate so much that I began to have much less intense orgasms, to the point where they didn't even feel good anymore. I also had sexual dreams with girls frequently. Much more frequently than the gay dreams. Whenever I decided to masterbate to gay porn, which was very rare for me (once a month) I would have a much more intense orgasm. I had a few relationships, and I fell in love with those girls very quickly. I grew over-attached and could not get over them for a very long time.
During my junior year and early senior year, I would lose my virginity and make out with random girls every weekend. The making out with girls always easily aroused me. I had no trouble whatsoever keeping an erection, even if I was in a period of frequent masterbation and non-intense orgasm. I loved attention from girls, and I have a particular taste. I like girls with tanner skin and brown eyes. I still had extreme attractions to very particular girls, and would choose to masterbate to them a lot. I would usually picture there faces on the porn stars bodies. Too much information, so be it. I think I need to get everything across, so I am sorry if I make you feel uncomfortable. Also, I always notice hot/attractive girls very quickly and feel a natural pull towards them. I also love when girls touch me. Now that's all I have to say about girls.
Moving on, now what made me admit to being bisexual?
Today I had another intense orgasm to gay porn. This resulted in the usual shame, guilt, worry, and anxiety. Because of the constant worry and anxiety, I felt that enough was enough and would cut to the chase and admit I was bi. I took the worrying and anxiety just as denial from being gay. Because of my experiences with girls then sudden unwanted experiences with guys, I would bounce back from thinking I am straight or gay. The confusion of bouncing back and forth drove me to grow anxiety and worry all the time and I want to end it. I just want a final conclusion. I just feel so disgusted and horrible about the notion of me being attracted to men because I loathe the idea of me dating a man (I would never date a man), and I dislike the entire lifestyle and would hate being a gay male, I also hate the entire idea of being gay and casual hook ups with men. I do not like anything about it, I prefer the straight life so much more. I feel strongly negatively towards being gay. Even if I am truly bisexual, it will no longer bother me anymore because I still will keep my preference to women. I only will continue to act on women, because I do not think acting on men would have a positive result emotionally, and I have no urge to do so.
Ultimately, am I a gay male in denial, a true bisexual, or a confused straight guy?
Also to add on, I forgot, when I am drunk I am completely straight. The anxieties and worries go away. I feel it's because I choose to portray my focus on women more while drunk.
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![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
