Am I sober? loperamide

[ridethecircusfeel]

Hello, these are a few thoughts that have been lingering around my mind lately.

Was formerly an addict of all sorts, mainly heroin though. Chased the suboxone dragon for awhile but decided to get off of that with loperamide. The thing about me and loperamide is that i managed to get down to a lose dose of 24mg a day but still have back aches, always feel cold, trouble sleeping without taking OTC meds. I've heard it said once that loperamide sort of keeps you half in and half out of withdrawal.

I want to eventually get down to zero everything. I don't want to depend on anything, not even OTC sleep meds. I think OTC sleep meds make you feel groggy throughout the day and something about them is no competition for natural sleep. The point of this thread though is to get opinions from people on whether or not i'm sober. Loperamide in these small amounts produces NOTHING of a high and i prefer to call it dependance rather than addiction. These have been the most sober months of my life if you don't bring loperamide into the equation. I constantly feel that i'm not able to feel sober or naturally happy, and at this point the problem of running out of loperamide is getting tiring and feel really stupid every time i have to ask my mom to pick me up a bottle. I'm not sure what the long term health consequences are. I don't tend to worry about them though I occasionally do. My theory on these pills is that they get me up every day because I recognize that i have an addict personality and have to have something to get me through the day.

Last week I got a large bottle and for a few days would take a megadose and would lay in bed half asleep all day itching and scratching. I didn't like this behavior though, because I felt like I was doing so well on 12 a day and at one point had actually gotten down to about 7 but went back up. I feel like certain times tapering is easier than others. does that sound strange? it all has to do with whats going on in my life at the moment. If I'm busy i tend not to overthink about it but sometimes i'll take 11 instead of 12 and feel the difference (colder, aches, restlesness) so I keep on taking 12.

So anyway. The main point of this thread isn't only about me and my loperamide dependance, does anyone else feel like they got SOBER in terms of lightening up their addictive habits? for instance, you could IV 3 bags of heroin a day and get clean but still occasionally take other pills or drugs and not feel neccesarily sober. Let me know your thoughts.

 

[herbavore]

You are definitely abusing the loperamide. I think you could split hairs forever on the definition of sober and not everyone will have the same opinions but the only thing that matters is your own true voice and you could just go back and read your own post out loud to yourself and you would know what that voice is saying: you need to stop.

I can also tell you a funnty story about taking too much loperamide. I had been traveling in developing countries for about 3 months and when I travel I eat street food, stay in very funky places and I usually have stomach/bowel problems as a result. I would just go into a farmacía and get some loperamide every time I had to get on a bus that was going to go overnight or if I'd had the runs for a couple of days. When I got to Lima Peru, I thought I'd best go make sure it wasn't an actual parasite I was dealing with--just some new bacteria--and so I went to a clinic. They said I was dehydrated and gave me IV fluids while they ran blood and stool tests. When the very straight-faced doctor came back in the room he said, in Spanish, Senñora, you do not have an infection. You do not have a parasite. What you have is inflammation caused by the over-use of loperamide.8) So, that should answer your question about what it can cause. I was only taking 1 pill at a time, sometimes two in one day.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

'Sober' is a purely subjective concept so the only person who has a right to say is you. What other people think doesn't really matter and in a way worrying about whether you are 'clean' or 'sober' is kind of a pointless exercise, ask yourself instead whether you are happy with the part substances have to play in your life. If you are in denial then other people can help you to see the light sometimes, but no one has a right to judge you.

Personally I would say that consuming that much loperamide is a concern and it's certainly got to be playing around with your digestive system something chronic, what I think isn't important though.

 

[phactor]

Clean/Sober is a subjective term and the only person that can determine what it means to you is you. Just like nobody but the individual themselves can determine if they are an addict or not.

Why do you prefer Lope to Sub though? Seems like a much more dangerous trade you made.

Finally, when I was using (and I used for 15) years there were plenty of times I considered myself "doing good" when I was "just drinking and smoking weed" but those moments were fleeting. Eventually I would end up all fucked up on a bunch of stuff. Sometimes, I'd "just drink" for like 6 months but then I would end up really really physically dependent on booze (like dangerously so). I personally was in a ton of denial. The last few years I stopped trying to "do good" or 'figure it out" and just tried to somehow plan my life around using. It didn't work. I was consistently lowering my standards on what I'd be willing to do to keep using. Abstinence is the easiest way for me. I just cannot use drugs successfully, I suck at it

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

NA still doing the trick for you phactor? Glad that's working out for you if so.