StigmaShadow
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 20, 2005
- Messages
- 275
I am writing this with an unbearable headache. I have just returned to baseline after a "hole" dose of MXE. I have a child. alittle girl. I named here Serenity Autumn. What a beautiful name for such a beautiful little girl. She was born on March 26th 2011. At that time I was deployed in Afghanistan. i remember like it was yesterday getting the news from my sergeant "your girlfriend delivered a beautiful healthy baby last night". i didnt even cry (ill get to this later). i knew that i now had a responsibility to take care of. i have struggled with drug abuse since i was 15. i have suffered from "depression" though I think its commonplace in todays society. it is a shitty world we live in. pay taxes, die, hope you go to heaven, you know? before i deployed i was severely addicted to MDPV and methylone. I IV'd grams upon grams upon grams in hotel rooms upon motel rooms upon hotel rooms upon 5 star hotel rooms, with my babys mother in the other room. i never realized how much i hurt this girl. i am a piece of shit. fecal matter to the third degree. i never gave a fuck about how she felt, all i cared about was that pleasurable rush that was bordering drug suicide. it took the pain away. it made me feel good. i could fuck her for hours and she always just layed there, she never seemed to enjoy it, even when i got sober. she would just lay there and let me fuck her. she never initiated it.
anyways
during my deployment i had already planned on getting right back on the narcisssistic rush train, i had ordered 5 grams of Methylone, 5 grams of Mephedrone, 2 grams of 2c-i, 2 grams 2c-e, 2 grams 2-p. i literally dug my own grave. when i returned home i began using again, but i never got that feeling from the first hit. NEVER GOT THE FEELING FROM THAT FIRST HIT (keep this in mind). eventually I would go on emergency leave to attend my great grandmothers funeral. i remember how sweet she was to me in my childhood. her christmas partys were the best. gag gifts, that was my favorite. i remember opening up a "rogaine" gift, i surely needed it at 12 years old. she had passed away, and i took time off from work to attend her funeral/score heroin/shoot heroin for the first time. i scored a gram of some white. did a big shot and felt awesome. i tried to finish the rest f the bag before returning to home, but the last shot was too big... i woke up in the back of an ambulance, freezing cold, disoriented and scared to death.i just fucked myself again (this is a growing trend, i havent let out my history before this, but i assure you, i am a 100% fuckup)
i was other than honorably discharged from the marine corps. i did two tours overseas. one to iraq in 2009 and one in afghanistan in 2011. despite this, i do not rate the GI bill for college funds/housing payments. i lost that, along with my dignity. i continued to purchase RC's (4-mec, 4-fma, MXE) and IV them (except for MXE) until the day I got on the bus to return to my shitty hometown in the armpit of virginia. i had a beautiful little girl, and a beautiful tattooed punk girl waiting on me, but i didnt give a fuck, i wanted to get high, or die. the drugs continued for about a month, until i ran out of money. no more escaping from reality. at the time i was living with my babys mothers family in a small town with little job opportunity. i couldnt find a good job. couldnt find any job really, then we moved back to my hometown. i had stopped using drugs and began drinking regularly with my babys mother. we drank our depressed lives away every night. i would fall asleep next to her full of regret, full of pain because of what i had done to her. i recall M-holing for the first time. i lay face down in my bed, going through ever happy moment of my life. i can pick and choose what to experience all over again. i choose to go back to high school and relive all the great moments of fucking hot girls and hanging out my best friends. i tell my girl to "grab a pen, i ahve to write this down". she brings me a pen and paper and I scribble "can go back into time
" down on it. wow, it was amazing, I found a cure for this "disease" i never deserved a girl as beautiful as her. fuck my head is killing me. Tiffany was her name. what a shitty name for such a beautiful girl who loved me unconditionally, through thick and thin. eventually my daughter would receive a piece of mail saying that she was denied a contract to a cell phone company. it turns out that my babys mothers mother uses everyone in the house (mom, husband,daughter, granddaughter) social security number to open accounts in things that she needs.i confronted her, but to no avail. no one gives a shit. no one cares. i am sober now and realizing whats wrong. the woman sets me up, makes fake social media accounts to lure me into "cheating" on my babys mother (which i NEVER did). all in all i moved out. it was too much. i have been through too much to go through shit like that.i picked up and left that house, but I continued to be with my babys mother, I loved her.
I get my own apartment, eventually. T comes over weekly to spend the night get drunk and play video games, but she never seems to want to bring the baby, never wants to do anything as a family, only with her family. i begin noticing this, and it disturbs me. eventaully i become tired of drinking all the time and doing the same shit over and over. i press her to move out with me. to become a family. i am sober now, i am ready to be a father and a husband. we begin the paperwork to get her on my lease, and to move out together. all three of us. i am so ecstatic i can barely stand it! this high beats any high i ever got from a needle. i love these girls, they are my everything. soon T would confess to me, that her mother will "rip her family apart if she moves out". can you believe that? her mother threatens to kick her father and her grandmother out of she moves in with me. one night she comes over with her booze and tells me "i dont think i want to move out with you". i am crushed.... IT BEGINS HERE. i am furious. ANGER HATE RESENT. i tell her to call her mother to pick her up. i am so mad i dont know what to do. needless to say, we breakup, and the booze sex visits stop. I attend my daughters 3rd birthday party, its awkward, we are no longer together, but here i am bringing my little girl a pinata and some presents. im a good father right? wrong. my babys mother begins dating a "friend" from high school who she meets on social media (i must add now, that i met this girl the same way, relationships are just a click away nowadays arent they?) wow. thats low as fuck, whatever though. i start calling to ask to see my little girl, no response. eventually i am told to leave her alone. i am emotional at this point. why
6 months later, i am going through the courts to get visitation of my child. during one of the proceedings she states that im not on the birth certificate (i was in afghanistan when she was born remember) and that i might not even be the father. wow. my jaw dropped in court. i payed 140 dollars for a DNA test to find out if im even the father. i wont get teh results until i go back to court on january 30th, if i even make it that long. so these past 6 months i have been dying to see my little girl, dying to make things right with my babys mother, but i know its too late. its far too late. ive burned too many bridges. last night i was let go of my job, i had a good factory job makin good money, with good insurance, and even life insurance. my hair follicle test came back positive for marijuana (even though used the "gold" shampoo from the local headshop). as soon as i was pulled into my supervisers office i knew what was going on. im a fucking loser. i go to a friends house to do a huge dose of MXE, which leads to a complete mental breakdown. i am crying infront of people i dont know, begging them to make her take me back, but no one has a clue what the fuck im talking about. for once i am the guy that everyone has to baby sit. i intended on having the same MXE hole experience I had right when I got out of the military, but it didnt happen like that. i was too emotional going into the trip and it lead to a "train wreck" if you will. i started writing this last night with a pounding headache and just woke up to finish it, my apartment is trashed, my drawing and sketches i drew on deployment are scattered across my room as if i were looking for something. when I know now there is nothing left. im too tired to start crying again, it didnt help anyway. my tears turned from tears of grief into tears of rage. i have been ANGRY and HATEFUL this past year, and I dont know why. I am no longer the person I was many years ago. I have become someone else, someone full of hate, someone who thinks everyone owes me something, someone without a reason to live anymore. I am tired of trying so hard and being rewarded with nothing. i havent even listed some of the most heinous shit ive done to people i love, im too embarrassed. i committed those acts without the intention of ever manning up and letting people know. god i cant. i really pity people who believe a divine being just sits on his throne and watches people like me destroy themselves unintentionally.
anyways
during my deployment i had already planned on getting right back on the narcisssistic rush train, i had ordered 5 grams of Methylone, 5 grams of Mephedrone, 2 grams of 2c-i, 2 grams 2c-e, 2 grams 2-p. i literally dug my own grave. when i returned home i began using again, but i never got that feeling from the first hit. NEVER GOT THE FEELING FROM THAT FIRST HIT (keep this in mind). eventually I would go on emergency leave to attend my great grandmothers funeral. i remember how sweet she was to me in my childhood. her christmas partys were the best. gag gifts, that was my favorite. i remember opening up a "rogaine" gift, i surely needed it at 12 years old. she had passed away, and i took time off from work to attend her funeral/score heroin/shoot heroin for the first time. i scored a gram of some white. did a big shot and felt awesome. i tried to finish the rest f the bag before returning to home, but the last shot was too big... i woke up in the back of an ambulance, freezing cold, disoriented and scared to death.i just fucked myself again (this is a growing trend, i havent let out my history before this, but i assure you, i am a 100% fuckup)
i was other than honorably discharged from the marine corps. i did two tours overseas. one to iraq in 2009 and one in afghanistan in 2011. despite this, i do not rate the GI bill for college funds/housing payments. i lost that, along with my dignity. i continued to purchase RC's (4-mec, 4-fma, MXE) and IV them (except for MXE) until the day I got on the bus to return to my shitty hometown in the armpit of virginia. i had a beautiful little girl, and a beautiful tattooed punk girl waiting on me, but i didnt give a fuck, i wanted to get high, or die. the drugs continued for about a month, until i ran out of money. no more escaping from reality. at the time i was living with my babys mothers family in a small town with little job opportunity. i couldnt find a good job. couldnt find any job really, then we moved back to my hometown. i had stopped using drugs and began drinking regularly with my babys mother. we drank our depressed lives away every night. i would fall asleep next to her full of regret, full of pain because of what i had done to her. i recall M-holing for the first time. i lay face down in my bed, going through ever happy moment of my life. i can pick and choose what to experience all over again. i choose to go back to high school and relive all the great moments of fucking hot girls and hanging out my best friends. i tell my girl to "grab a pen, i ahve to write this down". she brings me a pen and paper and I scribble "can go back into time
" down on it. wow, it was amazing, I found a cure for this "disease" i never deserved a girl as beautiful as her. fuck my head is killing me. Tiffany was her name. what a shitty name for such a beautiful girl who loved me unconditionally, through thick and thin. eventually my daughter would receive a piece of mail saying that she was denied a contract to a cell phone company. it turns out that my babys mothers mother uses everyone in the house (mom, husband,daughter, granddaughter) social security number to open accounts in things that she needs.i confronted her, but to no avail. no one gives a shit. no one cares. i am sober now and realizing whats wrong. the woman sets me up, makes fake social media accounts to lure me into "cheating" on my babys mother (which i NEVER did). all in all i moved out. it was too much. i have been through too much to go through shit like that.i picked up and left that house, but I continued to be with my babys mother, I loved her.I get my own apartment, eventually. T comes over weekly to spend the night get drunk and play video games, but she never seems to want to bring the baby, never wants to do anything as a family, only with her family. i begin noticing this, and it disturbs me. eventaully i become tired of drinking all the time and doing the same shit over and over. i press her to move out with me. to become a family. i am sober now, i am ready to be a father and a husband. we begin the paperwork to get her on my lease, and to move out together. all three of us. i am so ecstatic i can barely stand it! this high beats any high i ever got from a needle. i love these girls, they are my everything. soon T would confess to me, that her mother will "rip her family apart if she moves out". can you believe that? her mother threatens to kick her father and her grandmother out of she moves in with me. one night she comes over with her booze and tells me "i dont think i want to move out with you". i am crushed.... IT BEGINS HERE. i am furious. ANGER HATE RESENT. i tell her to call her mother to pick her up. i am so mad i dont know what to do. needless to say, we breakup, and the booze sex visits stop. I attend my daughters 3rd birthday party, its awkward, we are no longer together, but here i am bringing my little girl a pinata and some presents. im a good father right? wrong. my babys mother begins dating a "friend" from high school who she meets on social media (i must add now, that i met this girl the same way, relationships are just a click away nowadays arent they?) wow. thats low as fuck, whatever though. i start calling to ask to see my little girl, no response. eventually i am told to leave her alone. i am emotional at this point. why
6 months later, i am going through the courts to get visitation of my child. during one of the proceedings she states that im not on the birth certificate (i was in afghanistan when she was born remember) and that i might not even be the father. wow. my jaw dropped in court. i payed 140 dollars for a DNA test to find out if im even the father. i wont get teh results until i go back to court on january 30th, if i even make it that long. so these past 6 months i have been dying to see my little girl, dying to make things right with my babys mother, but i know its too late. its far too late. ive burned too many bridges. last night i was let go of my job, i had a good factory job makin good money, with good insurance, and even life insurance. my hair follicle test came back positive for marijuana (even though used the "gold" shampoo from the local headshop). as soon as i was pulled into my supervisers office i knew what was going on. im a fucking loser. i go to a friends house to do a huge dose of MXE, which leads to a complete mental breakdown. i am crying infront of people i dont know, begging them to make her take me back, but no one has a clue what the fuck im talking about. for once i am the guy that everyone has to baby sit. i intended on having the same MXE hole experience I had right when I got out of the military, but it didnt happen like that. i was too emotional going into the trip and it lead to a "train wreck" if you will. i started writing this last night with a pounding headache and just woke up to finish it, my apartment is trashed, my drawing and sketches i drew on deployment are scattered across my room as if i were looking for something. when I know now there is nothing left. im too tired to start crying again, it didnt help anyway. my tears turned from tears of grief into tears of rage. i have been ANGRY and HATEFUL this past year, and I dont know why. I am no longer the person I was many years ago. I have become someone else, someone full of hate, someone who thinks everyone owes me something, someone without a reason to live anymore. I am tired of trying so hard and being rewarded with nothing. i havent even listed some of the most heinous shit ive done to people i love, im too embarrassed. i committed those acts without the intention of ever manning up and letting people know. god i cant. i really pity people who believe a divine being just sits on his throne and watches people like me destroy themselves unintentionally.
