December '14 -- SL Getting & Staying Sober Thread

[neversickanymore]

^ hey 12

 

[GenericName12]

^ hey 12

Hey! How are you?

I'm not doing too well. I've finally been sober for quite some time, found a job I enjoy, friends who will hang out with me sober, but it doesn't feel like enough. Having some kind of, 'Why am I here' type crisis. I feel like I'm trying to replace the artificial dopamine rush from drug use. I've been doing a bunch of various things and telling myself it's ok because it's not drugs. Aka excessive masturbation, gambling, and fuck I was so desperate to just feel something I even drank like 10 bags of valerian root tea (basically a relaxing herbal tea) trying to catch some kind of buzz off it. Didn't do shit by the way. But I also tried like 7 other times, the exact same thing. I know it's a bad habit because not only does it not get me high, it's training my brain to seek that dopamine. I also took like 1g of caffeine.. just as an attempt to feel something. It's like the intent to relapse was there but I just didn't want to admit it and I justified it was ok because it's not 'a real drug'. I have to cut that shit out before I train my brain the wrong way. Been having a tough time with the cravings lately. All this shit just makes me crave drugs more and more and more cause it's all the same shit. it's the same rush, the rush we crave, but with a different kind of high associated with it.

Anyway that's how I feel right now. Hope everyone can have a safe and sober new years eve.

 

[phactor]

Had a few strange using dreams, last night I was walking around with a liquid extract of Salvia. My sponsor told me to use it lol! That was strange.

Anyways, I am doing good. Still hitting the gym regularly and its really paying off. I do have to say I have been slacking a bit in the work department though. Gotta get on that.

7 months and 20 days (I think)

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Planning a relapse already.....

wtf is wrong with me

 

[laCster]

Stay strong man... Do you have someone who you can call or be with?

Know that controlling urges is not going to happen. Just let the urges and cravings come and go like puffs of smoke in the wind. Sounds easier than it is I know!!


Day 5 for me!! Having a couple thoughts as well but trying not to be alone tonight

 

[neversickanymore]

Planning a relapse already.....

wtf is wrong with me

Your doing great CAT. You need to find a way to exit out of the cycle. I know your well aware of the addictive cycle but maybe just take a look at it again.

Addiction Guide

A major part of doing this is that realizing that when we picture what a relapse will be like, we are picturing a total fantasy. Reward pathway "memories" are not accurate memories. They are manipulative fantasy intended to drive us to use. FACT.

They always talk about addicts chasing the first high, but never being able to find it. The reason we can never find it is it never existed anywhere, but as a fantasy in our heads. We are sent these amazing "memories" of the experiences we had useing drugs. Its an utter fantasy. Its a promoted delusion. Active use of the drugs that destroy is not heaven its hell.. but we are fead that its is heaven.

The subconscious in our own minds wispers to use how if we use we will feal amazing, it tells us that we should just take a little break, that things will be different known that we can handle it, that we deserve it, that it will make us feal like a God. It fucking lies, lies, LIES. All fucking lies. Its totally full of shit. The truth is that it will not make us feal good, it will make us feal awful. It will extinguish the soul we are rekindling.

We "remeber" a feeling that never existed.. It never whispers about the paranoia, it never whispers how it makes us sick and itchy, it never whispers how our lives go straight into the toilet. It never whispers how we loose the confidence in ourselves, it never whispers of that awful hopeless feal we get in our very core.. then one when we see the drugs are doing nothing positive for us, but we are still driven to do them. The one when our lives are in shambles once again.

Figure out how it works and you will no longer get played. Figure out how it works and you can play it.

Your doing great cat.. don't get played.

 

[w01fg4ng]

I've seen this thread grow with the site for the past 5 years. One thing I had always liked was how humble I felt by the versatility of this website.

Sometimes reading the details of addiction (like in this thread) are triggering in itself and I don't always find it helpful to constantly hash over it. For me, I need other outlets that don't focus so much on talking about drugs and addiction. I look for support everywhere.

Unfortunately, the forum that I went to relax and NOT talk about my drug problems (while still coping with them) is no longer here. There use to be a public Lounge forum on this website that helped me see that everything doesn't have to be so serious all the time. In fact, having fun in a social setting like the public Lounge, has helped me just as much if not MORE than this forum (again no disrespect to this forum).

The Public Lounge provided this website with humility. For me, this is the most important trait for Sober living. Without humility, I'm left with my over inflated ego to make all my decisions.

The Public Lounge truly helped mitigate my humility issues.

It is with great disappointment that I can no longer hold this thread as high as I once thought it to be. For without an easily accessible Public Lounge to have light-heart ed conversations, the Recovery forums seem to be more of a cult than anything else at this point.

I am at over 15 months Sober of Heroin and All Opiates, and I have mostly myself to thank for that, but at this moment I would just like to thank The Public Lounge for everything they have done for me and all the support they have given me.

As for the "Private Lounge" solution, there is no humility in HIDING!

I strongly advise everyone in recovery to reach outside of their comfort zones, go into social settings that you otherwise might ignore. You just might learn something about yourself that you didn't know existed. You really are normal. You are not an outcast. It's more than OK to laugh at yourself, in fact I strongly encourage it.

The ability to laugh at myself has got me farther in my Sobriety than most ANYTHING else.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Stay strong man... Do you have someone who you can call or be with?

Luckily I've put myself somewhere where scoring other than via mail would be very hard so I have a bit of a safety barrier.

Your doing great CAT. You need to find a way to exit out of the cycle. I know your well aware of the addictive cycle but maybe just take a look at it again.

Addiction Guide

A major part of doing this is that realizing that when we picture what a relapse will be like, we are picturing a total fantasy. Reward pathway "memories" are not accurate memories. They are manipulative fantasy intended to drive us to use. FACT.

They always talk about addicts chasing the first high, but never being able to find it. The reason we can never find it is it never existed anywhere, but as a fantasy in our heads. We are sent these amazing "memories" of the experiences we had useing drugs. Its an utter fantasy. Its a promoted delusion. Active use of the drugs that destroy is not heaven its hell.. but we are fead that its is heaven.

The subconscious in our own minds wispers to use how if we use we will feal amazing, it tells us that we should just take a little break, that things will be different known that we can handle it, that we deserve it, that it will make us feal like a God. It fucking lies, lies, LIES. All fucking lies. Its totally full of shit. The truth is that it will not make us feal good, it will make us feal awful. It will extinguish the soul we are rekindling.

We "remeber" a feeling that never existed.. It never whispers about the paranoia, it never whispers how it makes us sick and itchy, it never whispers how our lives go straight into the toilet. It never whispers how we loose the confidence in ourselves, it never whispers of that awful hopeless feal we get in our very core.. then one when we see the drugs are doing nothing positive for us, but we are still driven to do them. The one when our lives are in shambles once again.

Figure out how it works and you will no longer get played. Figure out how it works and you can play it.

Your doing great cat.. don't get played.

I dunno, pretty sure a diconal speedball feels as good as I remember it! The rest I agree with though, certainly none of the times I have used recently have done what I want them to do. My life ends up totally fucked very quickly as soon as I go near certain drugs as well, it's not even like it takes me a long time to fall back in to a habit. Certainly there's an imbalance in the way in which the good and bad are remembered, I guess it's kind of normal for people's brains to overrember as it were good times and block out the bad whatever the subject matter is.

There's definitely something wrong with my reasoning. For some reason there's still a voice in my head that tells me I can have a single use up or just 24 hours or whatever even though there's no evidence to suggest that is true whatsoever. I've been going through this ridiculous back and forth in my head for fucking years now and I just don't seem to be able to accept the reality of what happens when I use. I dunno wtf is wrong with me tbh, I want to accept it but my head just wont.

Well, I'm still with it for the moment. One blessing is that I've got absolutely zero desire or compulsion to cane alcohol at the moment, I've had a few drinks here and there but one or two glasses of wine and my body seems to stop me from drinking any more. It's a chore to drink really, which is a feeling I've never experienced before.

 

[wanting]

Thank you, bluelighters, for your support. I am almost 5 months off pills thanks to all of you. It was tough getting through the holidays, but I babied myself and slept a lot, and made it through. Happy New Year! I'm optimistic...for a change.

 

[herbavore]

I've seen this thread grow with the site for the past 5 years. One thing I had always liked was how humble I felt by the versatility of this website.

Sometimes reading the details of addiction (like in this thread) are triggering in itself and I don't always find it helpful to constantly hash over it. For me, I need other outlets that don't focus so much on talking about drugs and addiction. I look for support everywhere.

Unfortunately, the forum that I went to relax and NOT talk about my drug problems (while still coping with them) is no longer here. There use to be a public Lounge forum on this website that helped me see that everything doesn't have to be so serious all the time. In fact, having fun in a social setting like the public Lounge, has helped me just as much if not MORE than this forum (again no disrespect to this forum).

The Public Lounge provided this website with humility. For me, this is the most important trait for Sober living. Without humility, I'm left with my over inflated ego to make all my decisions.

The Public Lounge truly helped mitigate my humility issues.

It is with great disappointment that I can no longer hold this thread as high as I once thought it to be. For without an easily accessible Public Lounge to have light-heart ed conversations, the Recovery forums seem to be more of a cult than anything else at this point.

I am at over 15 months Sober of Heroin and All Opiates, and I have mostly myself to thank for that, but at this moment I would just like to thank The Public Lounge for everything they have done for me and all the support they have given me.

As for the "Private Lounge" solution, there is no humility in HIDING!

I strongly advise everyone in recovery to reach outside of their comfort zones, go into social settings that you otherwise might ignore. You just might learn something about yourself that you didn't know existed. You really are normal. You are not an outcast. It's more than OK to laugh at yourself, in fact I strongly encourage it.

The ability to laugh at myself has got me farther in my Sobriety than most ANYTHING else.

Good post. I think the whole state of the public vs private Lounge is still being worked out. I agree that laughing at yourself is a great way to become comfortable with yourself. For some people the cruelty factor that can exist in the Lounge has an opposite effect but I believe that the diversity of the site is what makes it good for everyone--we don't all share the same tastes, we don't all have the same needs so it stands to reason that diversity is a necessary component to a healthy community.

I think reaching outside your comfort zones is beneficial whether you are in recovery or not. Especially in Th U.S. we are becoming a society where people will only talk to people that already agree with their world view. No wonder we have a polarized and paralyzed government we are a polarized, paranoid society!

As far as The Lounge goes I have stated my concerns in the feedback thread in Support. I hope that we can all come to some kind of general consensus about it. Humility creates good dialogue. Arrogance creates useless and destructive infighting. I find that when I feel my opinion to be falling on one side of an issue or another is exactly when I need to shut my mouth and start listening. That's what I'm trying to do now and I hope a lot of others will, too. Thanks for a constructive and positive post,w01f.

 

[neversickanymore]

December is in the bag and 2014 is in the books.

Congratulations to everyone who made positive progress against their addictions or in their lives.

Onward and upward for 2015.

NSFW: