hey all. first id like to say im new to this site...so hey! but i wanted to share some stuff that...i havent shared with anyone else. and kinda need some support/advice.
so i'm what the other junkies would call a "noob" i havent been using for very long. 9 months really, to be exact.
I was a binge drinker. partier, overly emotional sometimes crazy girlfriend. i was blonde. pretty (maybe still am) and ya know. suburban girl next door.
BAM my grandma dies on christmas.. i meet this dude. lets call him Todd. Todd comes from a rich family, and is also spoiled. Todd also is prescribed Xanax, which was very appealing when i first met him. So Todd and i hangout every single day. drinking, smoking weed, having a good time, just hanging out. after a short month of this my dad goes in a coma. So i really see this "todd" as an angel. slowly, truth comes out from todd. he starts lying, sneaking, stories of his past are outragous (my borther is in the mafia my birth dad was in the mafia iwas in a huge drug mob) blah blah. he also becomes abusive. at the time, my dad was in a coma. i didnt want to turn the drama to myself. When my dad finally wokeup however, this Todd and i blew out of control. he tells me he used to have a meth lab. and this was a shock. After a year of him abusiving me emotionally and mentally, (hospital twice, one time occiptial fracture on the back of my head becase i "jumped" out of a car) he leaves me, drops me for this chick and him and her do heroin.
MY dumbass. decides to do heroin too. because, i was really attached to this son of a bitch because i dont know. women are fucked up. i also lost my friends, family, computer, cellphone after cellphone, self confidence, and sanity from being with him. he wouldnt let me do anything without him. neither of us worked, because he never wanted me out of his sight, i didnt trust him, but i didnt tell him what to do (i cant do that he tells me what to do)
SOOO this is the point now, just wanted to sum that up. I DO DOPE.
first time was great. didnt snort it. shot it. for the first few weeks of it i was vomiting and nodding everyday. i was doing as much as everyone else. i died one day too. i obviously dont remember it. we were close with the dealer. from the feb i started to now. we have been homeless. we have felonies. we started a drug with no job, which was stupid. Everyday i wished i never did it but getting FOR REAL sick (not the sick i thought in the beginning which was just anxiety and not itching my body like crazy and being high) the sick where you kinda feel like your skin is a dirty pair of crusty panties.
so now not only am i controlled, addicted to, and having a hard time getting away from todd. now there is a drug. he also would use it against me. he would control the dope. he would split it. he would hold it. i COULD NEVER deal out my own shot i could NEVER touch the dope and i could NEVER do it without him. If he spilled his shot. that means, he gets my shot.
but that changed as months went on when he realized its evil to let me get sick like that for no reason.
My family is heart broken.
But I AM SO BROKEN. i sit here, knowing i have detox tommorow ( i was supposed to go today but i shot up like an hour before i went because i have to wait 24 hours to be admitted and i was seriously considering having someone drive their car over my foot so i could go to the ER)
Todd is out and about. doing dope. cheating on me. trying to get some girl to date him for her money. and it hurts. not only does that hurt. but i have never ever really gone through a whole detox because i get all anxious about being away from todd (kinda like a securtiy even though hes abusive its all i know) and fear of how i have literally nothing in my life anymore. I also know my parents want to ship me off to a rehab in like TN and we are basically near PA for a month. The bottom line is this Todd is someone who i love (i think??) but all he has ever done is hurt me. not love me. and ruin my life.
I love heroin. This drug, i dont understand. Sure, the high is good. but nothing like when i got high off xanax where i felt my vision was impaired and i couldnt walk straight. dope just makes u kick it and fall asleep. but i love it so much. i am really depressed and lost right now. i know i need to just suck it up detox and figure out some way to get back into a normal way of living, but sometimes i think id rather just die.
I don;t know how to accept that he doesnt love me. I dont know how to make myself realize that realistically, i will never WANT to stop doing heroin. people always say with cigs and stuff u gotta wanna quit but nobody really wants to. you kinda gotta not just do it for yourself sometimes and do it for the people around you as well
its so hard for me right now to see that theres more in this world than Todd and my dealers and the small world i live in, but i know there is so much more.
im sure at least someone has gone through something like this before. just asking for some input. withdrawal really scares me. i know its :not that bad: but it REALLY is to me. and suboxone doesnt work for me. i swear. and yeah i realize it doesnt take it all away but it doesnt even kind of. its not because im taking it too early either.
right now i just hate everyone. because nobody who hasnt done heroin really just doesnt get it and the only reason i know that for sure is how i felt about heroin before i used, is exactly how people respond to me about it now.
so i'm what the other junkies would call a "noob" i havent been using for very long. 9 months really, to be exact.
I was a binge drinker. partier, overly emotional sometimes crazy girlfriend. i was blonde. pretty (maybe still am) and ya know. suburban girl next door.
BAM my grandma dies on christmas.. i meet this dude. lets call him Todd. Todd comes from a rich family, and is also spoiled. Todd also is prescribed Xanax, which was very appealing when i first met him. So Todd and i hangout every single day. drinking, smoking weed, having a good time, just hanging out. after a short month of this my dad goes in a coma. So i really see this "todd" as an angel. slowly, truth comes out from todd. he starts lying, sneaking, stories of his past are outragous (my borther is in the mafia my birth dad was in the mafia iwas in a huge drug mob) blah blah. he also becomes abusive. at the time, my dad was in a coma. i didnt want to turn the drama to myself. When my dad finally wokeup however, this Todd and i blew out of control. he tells me he used to have a meth lab. and this was a shock. After a year of him abusiving me emotionally and mentally, (hospital twice, one time occiptial fracture on the back of my head becase i "jumped" out of a car) he leaves me, drops me for this chick and him and her do heroin.
MY dumbass. decides to do heroin too. because, i was really attached to this son of a bitch because i dont know. women are fucked up. i also lost my friends, family, computer, cellphone after cellphone, self confidence, and sanity from being with him. he wouldnt let me do anything without him. neither of us worked, because he never wanted me out of his sight, i didnt trust him, but i didnt tell him what to do (i cant do that he tells me what to do)
SOOO this is the point now, just wanted to sum that up. I DO DOPE.
first time was great. didnt snort it. shot it. for the first few weeks of it i was vomiting and nodding everyday. i was doing as much as everyone else. i died one day too. i obviously dont remember it. we were close with the dealer. from the feb i started to now. we have been homeless. we have felonies. we started a drug with no job, which was stupid. Everyday i wished i never did it but getting FOR REAL sick (not the sick i thought in the beginning which was just anxiety and not itching my body like crazy and being high) the sick where you kinda feel like your skin is a dirty pair of crusty panties.
so now not only am i controlled, addicted to, and having a hard time getting away from todd. now there is a drug. he also would use it against me. he would control the dope. he would split it. he would hold it. i COULD NEVER deal out my own shot i could NEVER touch the dope and i could NEVER do it without him. If he spilled his shot. that means, he gets my shot.
but that changed as months went on when he realized its evil to let me get sick like that for no reason.
My family is heart broken.
But I AM SO BROKEN. i sit here, knowing i have detox tommorow ( i was supposed to go today but i shot up like an hour before i went because i have to wait 24 hours to be admitted and i was seriously considering having someone drive their car over my foot so i could go to the ER)
Todd is out and about. doing dope. cheating on me. trying to get some girl to date him for her money. and it hurts. not only does that hurt. but i have never ever really gone through a whole detox because i get all anxious about being away from todd (kinda like a securtiy even though hes abusive its all i know) and fear of how i have literally nothing in my life anymore. I also know my parents want to ship me off to a rehab in like TN and we are basically near PA for a month. The bottom line is this Todd is someone who i love (i think??) but all he has ever done is hurt me. not love me. and ruin my life.
I love heroin. This drug, i dont understand. Sure, the high is good. but nothing like when i got high off xanax where i felt my vision was impaired and i couldnt walk straight. dope just makes u kick it and fall asleep. but i love it so much. i am really depressed and lost right now. i know i need to just suck it up detox and figure out some way to get back into a normal way of living, but sometimes i think id rather just die.
I don;t know how to accept that he doesnt love me. I dont know how to make myself realize that realistically, i will never WANT to stop doing heroin. people always say with cigs and stuff u gotta wanna quit but nobody really wants to. you kinda gotta not just do it for yourself sometimes and do it for the people around you as well
its so hard for me right now to see that theres more in this world than Todd and my dealers and the small world i live in, but i know there is so much more.
im sure at least someone has gone through something like this before. just asking for some input. withdrawal really scares me. i know its :not that bad: but it REALLY is to me. and suboxone doesnt work for me. i swear. and yeah i realize it doesnt take it all away but it doesnt even kind of. its not because im taking it too early either.
right now i just hate everyone. because nobody who hasnt done heroin really just doesnt get it and the only reason i know that for sure is how i felt about heroin before i used, is exactly how people respond to me about it now.
