TDS Don't know which direction to take in life - honestly stuck - need opinions

[dilated_pupils]

I'm hoping I can make this very explanatory because I am in need of some advice and I'm hoping BL can be my adviser. I have given some time to this site in my life trying to help others sharing experiences, in hopes that I'd find myself. I thought at times I'd surpassed the issues I was trying to help others with when in reality I was still facing them.

I guess my issues started at around 18, I ended up finishing high school online and didn't graduate with my friends, and from there on I lost a lot of them. However I did remain friends with some of them (but barley). It came down to a lot of drug use and that was mainly what kept my around any of them, obviously realizing this I tried desperately to get away. At 20 years old I had lost a very good friend of mine and ended up dating his cousin, after doing that for a while I decided it was time to try school again. She was unaware of my major drug issues, and that I still really wanted to use stimulants.

I was doing some things right, exercising here and there, finding good friendships in those aspects of my life, but I never got a job, never worked at all. I'm in my early 20's and I haven't worked, OK I said this is acceptable but I need to be in school, doing something.

So off to school I go, away from home for the first time and I'd say within the first day there I was already at a party, drinking in excess (and I don't very much like drinking) and I ended up getting introduced to cocaine. I started selling it, and doing a lot of it. I'd skip class and only go for tests. My girlfriend who was still at home would come to visit me and eventually she ended it and I am not stupid these days and understand the way I must have been acting was not at all anything positive towards a relationship. I ended that year passing my classes that I didn't drop but I decided not to go back. I had such high hopes originally trying to double major in psych and chem, but failed miserably. I always end up self medicating with stimulants. I have never yet found something that helps me focus and stay in the 'zone' so to speak, although sometimes while high numbers come easier for me, my math is easier and I persevere those feelings of failure that haunt me. I love when that happens but it, just like everything else, never is permanent.

So after one semester of school I go home and for the life of me I can only say I did basically nothing for the next couple years, just being a loner and feeling sorry for myself. I then ended up hanging out with a friend, and was introduced to MDPV... as well as his ex-girlfriend.

After a few months I started dating her and basically living with her. She was into opiates, I was on subs, I was trying to stay clean, she was not. I would use here and there and most the time alcohol was involved. We did have some good times and I started to become closer to her. After about 6 months into the relationship I started using MDPV, as did she with me. We used it daily for about a year (all the way until the end of the relationship). Things were fine if you consider me watching her going to class while I would go shoot up in the bathroom waiting for her to get out because I would always miss my shots.

Eventually after feeling twisted in the head, probably a lot to do with drugs making me psychologically off, and not to mention being with someone who really didn't care that much for their own well being, I had a final conversation and left it as it was and never decided to talk to her again (I'm really leaving a lot out on purpose because some of this stuff I'm not even sure what happened other than I ended up in the hospital and I blamed her for a lot of it).

Then I guess for the next year or so things got worse. I kept using MDPV and eventually violated a probation I was on and ended up going to jail. This happened 3 times all together and I finally got off probation (after finishing 2 treatments, which was the first time I ever put energy into such a thing). The problem here was that I still had my stimulant issues as I know I need them in some fashion or something to help combat and overcome my feelings of failure (yes sounds stupid to say but I'd much rather take a drug each day then keep failing). I then stupidly got put back on probation (this is recent) and although it's very lacking (easy probation nothing to worry about) I still am in the gutter with my hopes. I'm now 26, I haven't held a job since God knows how long, and even without any felonies on my record I've been being turned down for my misdemeanors. During those 21-22 years old ages of mine I also acquired 2 DUI's which I've been unable to pay the fines for so I'm still without my license. Getting a job right now means being able to walk there or have a family member drive me. It feels like crap but I am all about getting my license restored (I owe like $4400).

I'm trying to go back to school now as well but feel helpless in deciding what direction to take. I feel being away from math for so long makes it hard to want to do anything with such, and that really hurts because I enjoyed it when I was younger so much and excelled greatly.

I feel like my choices (which are like pre-destined) are computer programming, or marketing.

I know I need to get out of my parents house so I can feel like an adult, so I can get up knowing I have to do these things to maintain the life I am striving for. My motivation is so terrible, although it is there. It's like every thought I have momentarily pulls be up and awakens me, and then it just mashes up and becomes counter productive and I feel almost ill. I don't know what to do, I feel stuck. Every story in the world about "I've been there before..." wouldn't make me feel better - I want to be me, and I know I'm capable of greater things than feeling alone and depressed for not succeeding.

Does anyone have any recommendations that may lead me in the right direction? I mean, do you think I should go explain this to an adviser at a school and see what they can do? I know there are tests they offer to tell you what you'd be good at, but in all honesty maybe I'm afraid it will say something very ordinary and I don't want to be 'ordinary' I want to be exciting and I know I can be. If it means anything I have a much better personality than I have come off as in recent years. I have been depressed over things I've still yet to fully understand and albeit that sounds almost insane in itself, when the day comes I will whole heartily admit that it was the drugs completely and nothing but the drugs and my stupidity.

So once again I ask anyone who can offer a friendly hand and some advice to help guide me into some open direction where I'm free to choose but my choices are more geared towards who I am. I want to do what I'm good at whatever that may be, rather than do nothing and feel guilty for not playing my role. Please BL, much love to you all for reading this & I wish you all a happy holiday.

-dp

 

[Mysterie]

i can relate quite a lot to parts of your story.

u seem to have this deep rooted anxiety and fear about your future and career and security concerns, in the sense of being able to make money whilst staying true to yourself.

i wonder if you can try and narrow your scope of vision, to maybe just thinking about what you can do today, to reach some goals you have for yourself (programming or w/e).

as for the job situation, join the club. i wonder if you have put much effort into finding work though? spent time putting in applications or thinking outside the box of what work you could do? (short term though, you could do something part time and build up qualifications for the careers you want to pursue.)

do you think you are over drugs now, or would you pick up a habit if you were around people you knew who used?

atm i have no job and live with my parents but i'm 21, and i seem to go from feeling pretty good about life, to just depressed to the point i am no longer functioning. but i have no kind of structure like a job, which makes me interact with people, and get me out of the house in order to balance things. routine is good for me i find, writing down in the morning what i want to achieve today, maybe in a loose timetable structure, it feels good to be able to know i could take that first small step, to do something i set out to do.

and don't stress to hard about other people around you at 26 earning 60k a year or whatever with girlfriends. what matters really is learning how to fall in love with life. if u feel secure within your self, there isn't as great a need to try and control the future, but life is chaotic in the sense that we can't impose our will upon what is to come, but its better to accept whats happening right now and try to flow with life's ups and downs.

 

[dilated_pupils]

Well I did just go look at job applications and all of them mainly require the ability to drive, or are to far to find a ride to. However I did apply to one, so I'll see how that goes. And when you ask if I've really been looking, I guess I haven't. I'm past the whole "I'm too good for this" stage, but in all sincerity I don't even feel like I am good enough for anything anymore. I wasted so many years doing absolutely nothing I can't even get a basic job. I don't even know any trades and my father owns a business related to one - he's never included me at all and unfortunately I don't see him trying to train me. Wouldn't really be the life I want anyway. I need to get to school ASAP that is all I know at this moment. I do keep believing things will 'fall together' and something will take me off my feet into the world I knew was possible. A place where I'm happy, there is a chance to meet many women I'm interested in, all while pursuing the ideals of life I always thought possible. It sucks though you mentioned

u seem to have this deep rooted anxiety and fear about your future and career and security concerns, in the sense of being able to make money whilst staying true to yourself.

That is very true. Sometimes I feel like I'm putting myself in submission by accepting anything that is offered to me. I know we as a species as smarter than we give our selves credit for, and I feel like the only reason I'm not succeeding is because I'm told I have not done this or that so I have no experience at it. I sincerely think if someone gave me the opportunity to be trained for even just a day I could work with that knowledge and gradually (as in progressively) improve. I think that would be true in almost any avenue. I guess the drugs help me overcome those feelings and shine like it's true, but it dies quick when you feel put down for using the drugs. It's a very very sharp double edged sword. I should go into some sort of business for myself or do something that provides proof beyond doubt that what I'm saying is very possible. If I want to get this done I guess that's what I'd have to do.

And about the drugs, I don't think they are what has hindered me socially - they have personally hurt me because I've made my own decisions. I also feel the same about others. I think with a full time job I could use on and off nothing serious nothing every day all day, and I'd be fine. But I am willing to not do so in order to get a good job if that means anything.

-dp