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Is this the beginning of a long term coke addiction?

S

SarahPotter

Greenlighter
Joined
Oct 8, 2014
Messages
25
I'm desperate for my life/relationships with friends and family to stay the same and not turn upside down because of drugs. I wouldn't say I have an addiction but I go through around 4/5gs coke a week, (and on nights out on the weekend a few lines of k and md will be added to that).
I'm very good at keeping that side a secret from my friends at school and family at home. Me and my mates outside from school do drugs together, but otherwise i'm in the school bathroom rubbing c on my gums and doing lines alone on my bed at home. This probably sounds very sad, but the truth is i'm very happy. I'm doing awfully at school but I don't really care, my friends haven't noticed a change in my behaviour because i've always been known as the energetic lively kid. Mood swings at home are just thought of as hormones by my parents. lol.

Although I'm happy living my life now, all my money is spent on drugs. I work long shifts after school purely to feed my cravings. I can't help but wonder what i'll be doing in years to come. I don't like the idea of me doing this forever, I want to get a good job and be 'normal' and 'clean' but right now i'm not bothered.

Is this how drug addicts start off? Or will I just grow out of it and stop when i'm bored of the lifestyle?

It probably doesn't help that i'm getting on well with a guy who is a drug dealer right now.... I don't want to fuck up my life, but at the same time, I don't want to stop what i'm doing now.

Does anyone have any advice or experience? ANYTHING about cocaine and addiction? I definitely am not addicted just enjoy it, a lot.
 
You are definitly addicted if you do 5g's a week and work overtime to support your habit. I've never done cocaine but this sounds like a classic case of addiction in my semi experienced opinion. Try saving some money, challenge yourself. If you can't stop or cut down using pure willpower you are without a doubt somewhat addicted.
 
I would say you are so happy and confident in your usage because u haven't really tried and stopped yet.take a break and cut the habit out for a few weeks.could u stop if u wanted to? The only way to know is to try and u dont want to get to far in if u cant get out.

coke will always be there but it wouldn't hurt to cut it out for a few weeks just to step back and look at your issue with a clear head.you shouldn't do something like coke everyday its just not good for your psyche in the long term
 
SarahPotter said:
Is this how drug addicts start off? Or will I just grow out of it and stop when i'm bored of the lifestyle?
Click to expand...

For me, this is the key thing that stands out.

I was in a similar position to yourself, but was abusing opiates instead of cocaine. Just like yourself, it first started off as just a casual thing that I enjoyed every now and then, which soon turned into a daily occurrence, and then into a habitual practice and then into a compulsive addiction. I kept it hidden from others and was very content with what I was doing, I got a lot of pleasure out of it. However, I started cutting back in some areas of my spending to keep up with the cost, which inevitably lead to borrowing money and getting into debt.

However, it got to a point in which the enjoyment had completely subsided. The money, the lies, the neglect of my own life... I was beyond bored with it. In fact, I hated it. Yet, it had gone far beyond the stage of just being able to just switch off doing it, on the count that I was just bored of it.

It was at that point, that I realised for the first time that it had become an addiction that I habitually fulfilled, whether I was bored, broke or even bothered. I would lie. I would crave. I would fulfil that habit.

Addiction, as a psychological component of drug use, is powerful beyond comprehension. It makes good people turn bad, honest people turn liars, rich people turn poor. The vast majority of addicts were once in your shoes, and shared the same good intentions.

My advice would be to quit whilst you're ahead, before it's too late.
 
If what you say is accurate, I recommend walking away.

Addiction issues aside, the stuff is terrible for your health.
 
definitely sounds like you have a problem...4-5 grams a week may not be awful, but your usage will begin to skyrocket...i had a bad problem with that for years...then moved on to the rock...ugh, became an awful person, depleted my bank accounts, and had to resort to non legal forms of income...bad scene...do yourself a favor and walk away before it's too late. Haven't touched that garbage in 6 years...not a day goes by where I miss it...good luck!
 
Thanks everyone. If i'm being truly honest with myself, I think i'm in denial about the whole situation. Do I think I can go a few weeks without it? No, I really don't. But i've just told my mum that I want to open an account so that I can start saving for a house when i'm older, half my wages will go there automatically, and I've told her to not let me have any access to it. I'm not sure how this will work out but I think it seems sensible. I've met/seen people who have had their lives ruined by addiciton. I really really REALLY don't want to be one of them. I really appreciate the advice, it's something I needed to hear. I'm already 1 day with no c ...lol long way to go, we'll get there......
 
I'm moving this to TDS so you can get more support.
 
I don't really know how to use bluelight that well so thanks. I'm not really sure what to do, stopping for a few weeks is easier said than done. The replies i've got on here were a wake up call, but here we are 2 days later sat on my sofa doing lines and regretting that talk with my mum. Nevertheless, it's so nice to know i'm not alone and people understand. It's nice to be honest and not have to lie all the time.
 
I do think it sounds very clear what you have to do (stop) but how to do it is the question. Getting support built into your evenings and weekends is important. Do you have friends that do things that don't involve being high?

Its always a tricky situation when no one in your life knows what is going on because while you are protecting yourself (and them to an extent) from having the problem out in the open and up for discussion, etc. you are also denying yourself the support that your family might be able to give you. I understand how much fear and misinformation parents may have but at the same time you are going to be going through one of the most intense struggles of your life and having your family become educated can only help you. Do you have siblings that might be less freaked out than your parents?

It sounds to me like you know what you have to do. Just making the decision to try can be terrifying. My heart goes out to you because I can hear in what you are writing that you know what you need. Be assured that it is entirely possible for you to leave this behind you. It will take courage but you have already shown that you have that by questioning yourself. Check out some of the threads in Sober Living where people are documenting their own struggle to overcome an addiction. You will see that there is no one way to do it, no straight and perfect trajectory. It is a process of self-learning as much as it is about will or self-discipline and that it useful beyond drug use.<3
 
You are for sure already an addict, everything about your post is classic addict thought process. But don't let it scare you too much. You can stop, you're not too far in. Just think about how much easier your life will be if you aren't putting all your time and energy into cocaine. If you don't manage to turn this around now, I can promise you it will get much, much, much worse. <3
 
I have successfully recovered from Crack Addiction which is definitely more addictive than powder cocaine. Its ok that your an addict there are millions of us and billions over the course of history. I really recommend rehab or meetings every night. I know you may think you can stop on your own but what I'm trying to do is prevent the misery of relapses which will most likely happen if you don't seek professional help. Recovering from addiction is not just about stopping cocaine its a soul seeking journey where you learn so much about yourself and find out what led to your addiction and also what major changes you need to make to your thinking and behaviors so that it never happens again. If I had admitted I had a problem with crack early into my addiction and sought help I would have saved myself a lot of misery and money. This is coming from genuine perspective of love, compassion, empathy, and understanding of where you are at. Best of luck in your recovery and if you need any support let me know. Thanks :)
 
Its sounds as if you may already be on your way to an addiction, with a bit of thrown in denial. In my experience, generally the people who question themselves on addiction issues, are addicts.

This isn't to say your not still on the early stages of a spectrum, but some of what others have said in this thread could be taken as an ominous warning.
 
I think I would rather die than tell my parents, if you knew them I think you'd get it...No, I can't speak to anyone I know but I'm thinking of maybe seeing our school councillor. I've been thinking about it for months but i dunno about the whole patient confidentiality thing- even if she's not part of my school, do you think she'd speak to my mum if she was worried? or my teachers? I do want to speak to someone but i'm only just 18 so old enough for them not to tell my parents, right?

I feel like i owe it to my parents NOT to tell them. I love them loads, they wouldn't understand and it would unravel a whole load of other issues that I haven't really addressed on here. I've made a fair few mistakes, lied to them loads, I even let a dealer into my house when they were asleep. Just loads of stuff I don't want to do ever again and they can't ever know about.

I've spent the majority of the day reading threads in sober living, hearing how bad situations became for some of those people does encourage me to slow down. I keep reading your last paragraph over and over, makes me feel better. Thank you. Haven't touched any c today at all yet my nose is still burning like hell hahha :p
 
counsellor confidentiality clause... I should know, I am one.

Harm to self or others. (immediate)
Harm to children including neglect.

Notes subpoenaed to court.
 
Funny how admitting just a small number of the massive mistakes i've made and am making is so relieving. I feel as if a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders- literally. I'm angry and upset with myself for my stupidity and dishonesty but it's amazing what a few replies from complete strangers can do.
 
what does this mean? sorry, even the most basic of law jargon sounds like another language to me.
 
The laws of confidentiality apply in the U.S. but I'm not sure where you are. You are the best judge of whether or not to tell your parents anything (disclosure: I'm a mom) but remember that you do not have to ever tell them everything. By all means talk to your school counselor--again, you do not have to tell them everything--just what is pertinent which is that you have become dependent on coke. It is not an easy addiction to beat for a lot of people (despite some of the comparisons you may read about here) and the sooner you get some kind of program going, the better.

One thing you could consider is telling your parents after you have already put some kind of program in place, are working with a counselor and hopefully maybe even a sponsor. I understand how terrifying it is to contemplate them seeing you differently, freaking out etc. But if the problem gets worse and you need their help down the line, they are going to say, "Why did you not come to us sooner?" You don't need to be ashamed but you can express both your fears and your remorse. The more people you have in your corner the better. PM me anytime if you need to. You can do this but don't fool yourself that you can do it alone with nothing more than willpower. Addiction is a sneaky enemy.

Again, bottom line is that you know best what to do about your parents. For now telling your counselor and putting some strategies in place to keep yourself from using is where your energy should go.<3
 
herbavore said:
Again, bottom line is that you know best what to do about your parents. For now telling your counselor and putting some strategies in place to keep yourself from using is where your energy should go.<3
Click to expand...

This...
 
SarahPotter said:
what does this mean? sorry, even the most basic of law jargon sounds like another language to me.
Click to expand...

It means that confidentiality laws are not absolute and there are circumstances under which confidentiality can (and sometimes MUST) be broken. That said, if you're a competent adult who is not at risk of immediate harm to yourself or at risk of harming others, what can be disclosed and to whom is limited.
 
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