• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT | paranoid android

Stupid benzos and the addict

A

AnythingEverything

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 17, 2014
Messages
540
Hey all

I haven't been on for a couple of weeks due to being flat out busy.

I've posted before about being detoxing super slowly from benzos for the last 12 months. I was doing so well but have had a bit of a rough time lately so stupidly bought 120 x 2mg Xanax and went through them in a week. Once I start I just pop them like jelly beans and I can't stop. Benzos have always made me hyper and happy, not drowsy at all so I can easily take them all day long. I've run out and now back down to my miserable 20mg of valium a day from tomorrow.

It's just stupid. My tolerance is still high obviously, on the second day I took somewhere between 40 and 60mg of Xanax plus my valium and my 32mg suboxone. I thought I was doing ok:( I'm scared to go back to my tiny valium dose tomorrow....I actually have some more on the way but I know I'm just causing myself more pain in the future. I warn everyone I see about benzos and here I am again.

I'M SO SICK OF BEING AN ADDICT!!!! To EVERYTHING!!!! During my xanax binge I also discovered a new clothing place I love and spent close to $2k in a week from that shop (Kitten D'amour.)8)

I just want to totally change my personality. Maybe a lobotomy would do it. I'm seeing a new psych plus my drug and alcohol cousellor, doing one NA meeting a week plus seeing my Suboxone dr. I wont tell him about my little benzo binge because I'm scared of losing my weekly pickup and non supervised doses for the suboxone.

Thanks for reading. Noone knows so I just had to get it out.
 
haha! what an euphemistic title! benzos would truly be stupid only if they were repeatedly consuming what hurts them, but it seems here are not the benzos the one who are doing that (haha)

Before anyone rush to judge me and this comment, I want to hightlight how important and relevant is to take responsibility for our actions, as long as we keep blaming someone else, or, even worse, something (including any drugs) for our actions, we won't be able to change ourselves.
So first, it is necessary to admit drugs are not stupid (neither clever) but some people can behave stupidly regarding drugs or anything else.
 
OMG, I have always taken resposibilty for my actions!!!! It was just a light hearted title even though I was feeling quite low at the time regarding my stupidity at stuffing up my taper plan which I have stuck to for a year now:( I let myself got sucked in again.

I am who gets extremely frustrated when people are in constant victim mode (though I ALSO understand that people are at different stages in their recovery).....I've been an addict alol my life and an active one since age 14 and I have never once blamed anyone but myself. I have had over ten years clean and with lots of great recovery in that time nad over the last twelve months so I am definitely not blaming the drugs?!? That would be stupid. Did you actually read my post or just judge the title. I just re read it twice again and it's all about my frustration with myself?!

Not really a helpful of kind response when I was just feeling upset with myself.
 
altho i cant relate at all to benzos )they're my least favorite of drugs)
i have had problems with coke and weed in the past, specifically coke+weed
i suggest inpatient rehab, with it YOU GET OUT OF IT WHAT YOU PUT INTO IT
meaning if you take it seriously it can really help you
 
You sound like a girl.. ur post made me oddly jealous in a weird way because u sound rich. Anyways, good luck with ur addiction. It is okay to make mistakes, as I am about to make one right now.
 
Hey :)

You can do this, if I can then I have every faith from the articulate and intelligent post that that you can.

I managed to get my self into a 200mg + Diaz habit, how I functions at all I just don't know as I was drinking heavily for most of that time. You may have already read this but as it was an invaluable resourse for me I'll link it here as well,

Ashton Benzo manual/

I relapsed a couple of times but it stuck in the end, there's no doubt in my mind that these drugs may be of use for very short term use but daily they end up doing more harm than good. They are very rarely prescribed in the UK anymore and when they do its a max of 2 weeks.

Different things work for different people but I found making up a proper tapper schedule, like the ones in the Ashton manual although I did tapper a bit harder and faster than those ones. Xanax it not a good benzo to use for this as the duration is much shorter than Diazepam, which is what is generally accepted as the one to use. Are you able to source enough pills to cover the tapper ? I guess you have a contact, my advice would be to cease that relationship as soon as you can, I know this is hard but an easy local supply ( I'm just assuming here you don't need to comment) could be a problem is you're having a tough day.

  • Draw up that schedule, the link has all you need mark off the days so you can see how far you've come.
  • Look for a way of getting the pills ( and a few extra in case you have to hold your dose) you need for the taper and cut off easy access to more
  • Exchange that Xanax for Diazepam, it will be significantly less uncomfortable using Diazepam and you'll a much higher chance of success.
  • If you're having a rough week try really hard to never increase the dose, simply hold that does until you are ready to move on.
  • Drink as little alcohol as possible, it's easy to excnage one problem for another

When you're free of this stuff you will feel so much better, both physically, mentally and in the way you think about yourself. Using a well planned taper remove risk of seizures and whilst it's a far from easy process you should be fine to carry on with whatever daily life stuff you need to do.

Get this started sooner rather than later, you obviously have the motivation so build upon it. Let us know how you're getting on, if you don't manage it the first time don't beat yourself up the primary thing is that your still trying, regroup and just start again.

My thoughts are with you <3
 
I just recently got 4 fucking grams of clenzepam or however u spell it. Going thru relationship changes and this adds to the addiction. And because I get it at like removed price a MG didn't help
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Greetings and salutations to the OP AnythingEverything (cool username btw!)...

I hope things have improved for you as far as not buying anymore strong and quickly dispersing benzos such as Xanax and engaging in the associated compulsive behaviours that seem to go hand in hand with bingeing on sedative drugs such as benzos is concerned (been there done that in in identical fashion to you).

Allein's post was very informative and I recommend you follow the advice contained therein to the letter.

Compared with a big bag of Xanax bars I totally understand how 20mg of diazepam daily doesn't feel like much at all, but if you could just somehow sever contact with your Xanax hook-up that would really (obviously) help you and your quest to come off benzos totally and in a few weeks you should be able to feel that 20mg of diazepam again.

Speaking from bitter experience benzo addiction is no fucking joke and the relevantly lowly status of benzos in comparison to other drugs of abuse (for example, in the eyes of most prosecuting bodies) is extremely misleading.

A close friend of mine is a Doctor and told me that in his opinion benzos are far more addicting than coke and heroin and indeed one can die from benzo withdrawals whereas that's a pretty unlikely eventuality when withdrawing from drugs such as coke and heroin.

AnythingEverything, you're most welcome to PM me with any further questions you have or if you just fancy a chat. Drop me a PM anytime.

And I hope the materials that Allein recommended you check out (The Ashton Manual) prove helpful to you in trying to kick benzos for good. If you have a daily supply of 20mg of diazepam you're well on the way as it's far and away the best benzo to cut down in tiny increments (due to its long-lasting half-life and also the fact it comes in quite small dose sizes such as 5mg tabs and 2mg tabs which can then be cut to size, so to speak!) in order to make the benzo withdrawal experience be as painless as possible.

Speaking once again from experience AnythingEverything, to kick an addiction from a serious and hardcore drug like benzos (and STAY clean from like drug) takes somewhat of a multidisciplinary approach, IMHO......

It takes severing ALL your contacts (tough I know if said contacts are online), securing a steady but gradually diminishing supply of diazepam to wean your physical body free, somekind of talking therapy such as counselling or group therapy or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) - perhaps approach your local drugs charity for advice or speak to your GP - and some people find the imposed discipline of going to NA meetings each week (and having, for example, a sponsor for one-to-one help in staying clean) to be conducive to the overall success of this mission.

But NA is not for everybody. It wasn't helpful to me. Anyway, that's just me 2c, one man's opinion AnythingEverything, and I hope you find something of use in my post.

I wish you the very best of luck!
 
Last edited:
I withdrew from valium and it was horrible and its not as potent as xanax, you need to take care because its a very insidious drug. One of the worst to abuse in terms of life long negative effects
 
Just to add;

I came off 200 plus mg of Valium plus a small amount of opiates and medium alcohol last year or the year before inpatient over two weeks and it was hell, for weeks after I was debilitated.

I then got a largish oxy habit for which I am now on 32mg of suboxone for.

I also got back on the benzos after inpatient and was taking 200 or more of Valium or the equivalent of Xanax or lorazepam or a
Combo plus a heap of psych drugs and alcohol and I am on a slow, supervised taper and am now down to just 16mg of Valium a day. I was worried this little binge would really set me back but I am back on my normal Valium dose and am ok apart from a bit of extra anxiety.

Thanks, I am very familiar with the Ashton manual and would recommend it to anyone wanting to reduce slowly (the only way to do it Imo.). My taper is even slower as I've been tapering for a year now but it's been fairly painless and this is the first time I have gone off track.

I don't habe ANYONE who will prescribe me extra benzos, warnings pop up on my
File on all the Drs computers and everything has to go through my suboxone dr. I don't have any Benzo contacts left, just one heroin contact still in my life. I just have to stay away from online purchases.

I will never, ever do inpatient detox for benzos again, it was way too quick last time and left me debilitated. I've done longer term rehab in the past but cannot now with 5 children, a business and lots of debt. My husband and I both need to work or our life will seriously go down the toilet. So I use a psych, atods counsellor, NA meetings and any other resources I can. I used to be part of a very large NA fellowship when I lived in the city and was able to do lots of meetings and stayed clean for 12 years) so I do get a lot out of NA. I now live in the country and have one meeting a week available to me (an hour away.). I am a bit uncomfortable because of the whole suboxone thing:(. Please don't judge but I haven't told them I'm on it and I NEED meetings and to be around fellow recovering addicts and I don't have many resources available to me out here in the sticks :(. Plus 32mg is not something I wm going to just stop...

I am back on track now with just my suboxone and small amount of Valium and anti depressants. I will just have to learn from this mistake and move on and keep going on the forward track I was on for the past 12 months (and the 12 years I had totally clean and sober:) I was addicted to anything and everything from age 14-21 (meth/heroin/pot/alcohol/party drugs) then stayed clean while having my children for 12 years and relapsed about 3 years ago:
 
Last edited:
Allein said:
Hey :)



  • Exchange that Xanax for Diazepam, it will be significantly less uncomfortable using Diazepam and you'll a much higher chance of success.
  • If you're having a rough week try really hard to never increase the dose, simply hold that does until you are ready to move on.
  • Drink as little alcohol as possible, it's easy to excnage one problem for another

When you're free of this stuff you will feel so much better, both physically, mentally and in the way you think about yourself. Using a well planned taper remove risk of seizures and whilst it's a far from easy process you should be fine to carry on with whatever daily life stuff you need to do.
Click to expand...

I can tell you what happened to me - 4 years ago I wanted - NEEDED to get off klonopin because I was in a town where no doctor was going to prescribe it. I had tapered down from 4mg a day to 1.5 mg a day and did well before moving 2000 miles from my doctor. The only doctor who was willing to help me, switched me from Klonopin to Diazepam and that is when all hell broke loose. Trust me I love the floaty feeling of valium and xanax. But this was not fun AT ALL. It was there but was not reaching the part of my brain that the klonopin reached and I was in hell within 48 hours. I became unglued. I couldn't sleep - I regretted asking him to help me taper off because he was putting me in such dire hell that I started drinking. When I requested that he put me back on my klonopin and help me taper from that he refused. This is when the severe ringing in my ears started (I still have it to this day) - I am back on klonopin and I moved back - 2000 miles - to return to my doctor who thankfully reinstated my prescription. It was so horrible - those weeks - I never want to go through that again. I was down to .5 mg per day and if I hadn't started drinking again after the drug change over to valium I think I would have succeeded.

What I am trying to say is - in MY case - tapering off of the drug that your brain is used to might be the most gentle thing to do. I learned the hard way and rebounded. So please check out the ashton manual and learn what taper means - and what half-life means - and don't be afraid. Nothing will happen to you that you can't manage as long as you stick to your guns. I wish I had. rant over! LOL
 
I read this thread and decided to take a look at
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benzodiazepine_withdrawal_syndrome#Withdrawal_process

Benzos are one of the few drug familes I never took for recreation, so I have little first hand knowledge of them. But, damn, benzo withdrawal seems crazy. So many crazy complications. I had once heard anecdotaly that 25% of heavy benzo users quitting cold turkey end up dead, but never believed it. However, I'm much more inclined to believe it after reading that wiki page.

I have nothing to add, other than my awe of benzo withdrawal.
 
Ugh. So I did fine and just went back to my normal Valium taper for a few weeks there, then when I stafted on the bupropion I felt so awful that I caved again and got 129 2mg xannies:(. I swore I wouldn't do it again grrrrr. Taking about 20-30mg a day at the moment but trying to have some days off (with not much success). I'll have to taper the Xanax this time before going back to my Valium taper because I doubt I'll get out of it as easily this time and I do not want to go through acute benzo withdrawals ever again.

Feel stupid once again for stuffing up my benzo taper which I have been doing for over a year now/(. I'm just zonked all the time and start nodding all over the place when I sit down. I'm fine if I'm moving but yeah everyone is obviously suss on me and I don't want to go through all that again.

Still on my 32mg of suboxone too. And just ordered some phentermine for some reason. Stuck in addict mode once again:((
 
How far off the taper you were following are you and how difficult realistically would it be to start heading in the right direction again? Not experienced in benzos but I feel you should plan from your current situation and not yet the past year be seen as a failure.
 
Well I was down to 20mg of Valium a day from about 300 so I was doing well but that is strictly supervised and I pickup weekly from the chemist with my suboxone. It was all good and rosy until I chanhed anti depressants and felt awful and found this Xanax source. Until then I only had one heroin source in my life and she is a fair few hours from me and every time I've been tempted it hasn't worked it or hubby has gotten wind of it.

So now I'm back to taking around 20mg of Xanax a day (0.5mg of Xanax is around 10mg of Valium so even if I was taking one 2mg pill everyday that's still doubling my daily prescribed amount and I'm taking like 10 give or take.....I lose track.)

So I'm a long way off as in dose but not in length of time as this time it's only been about a week. Last time I got away with it and went straight back to my taper amount without any nasty withdrawals. I don't know how I'll go this time
And what is going to stop me just getting more?? I go to one Na meeting a week and have a counsellor and psych but I feel I can't even really share at NA because of the suboxone and the Valium taper:((. Sick of being an addict, I'm more petrified of going back to my eating disorder, that scares me more than the drugs. I'm lost again.
 
You don't know how you'll go this time unless you make a start. Prolonging it will only make it harder you said yourself it's only been a week compared with many weeks of being on track. But next time you use the Xanax seriously consider tapering what you have left and cutting the source if that's possible? Nothing but your own strength will stop you just getting more and if you are truly sick of yourself and want to change your personality then channel that desire into action.

Last time you had no nasty withdrawals, sounds worth a shot.
 
Yeah I've always wanted to change everything about myself. That's the problem and why I've struggled so long with addiction and other mental illness. People tell me how much I have offer. My kids and my business are the fruits of that but I feel so horrible inside from stuff that has Happened to me since I was 7 uears old (now 36), I fear I'm never going to recover. The source is pretty hard to cut. Only if I give control of wll my money to my husband can I do it. I'm feeling ok right now with 18mg of xanax under my belt plus q few valium for good measure and my 32mg of suboxone, sitting at work in the sun watching my kids swim.

My fear of my eating disorder coming back is what is tying me to the drugs. I've nearly gone back to heroin so many times but have always made the right decision now since Ive had kids, with street drugs anyway and it's only been the last three years I've struggled with the pills. But given the choice of the two addictions, drugs or ed, drugs will win everytime/(. I need to learn how to live without an addiction and j don't know how
 
I have a friend that suffered from a pretty severe eating disorder for most of her life. She finally got free of the compulsive behavior by working with the authors of a book about emotional eating. PM me and I will send you the information. She also credits being on an anti-depressant with her recovery from the eating disorder. (I would never recommend an AD because of how often they do not work and for the other problems they can cause but it is worth exploring with a doctor if you keep going back to your DOC.)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top