ashleyarson
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Nov 9, 2014
- Messages
- 1
I'll start from the begining, this is my life as a polysubstance abuser...
I grew up in a really nice home, raised by my successful grandparents, mom and dad divorced neither wanted responsibility, but was very loved and had a lot more than others. Grandpa was a pastor I went to a Christian school, etc.
Didn't really have any trauma, except I was molested by a female cousin on a trip to disney but because I was so sheltered I didn't realize she was a twisted individual. But it never really seemed to be a deep issue I don't know if I choose to ignore the subject, I'm not afraid to talk about it, nor do I feel ashamed I understand it's common, karma served her when she went to prison she too is a drug addict. She was 15 I was about 7.
Fast forward I stumbled into drugs accidentally. I was 13, again very sheltered my friends sister told me if I took this little colorful strip I'd see things that wasn't there. I said nuh uh and took it and I figured out awhile later it was LSD pretty harsh for a ffirst drug. Had a bad expedience and didn't touch anything again until my grandma gave me a Vicodin a year later when I complained of severe mental cramping, I never forgot the feeling, I felt so warm and comfortable and content. I then manipulated for the drug complaining of pain I did not have, my grandma was the person who condoned my behavior later I spun out of control I started alcohol she couldn't control me and let me live with another. CousIn who was a function alcoholic although her problem was severe, she let me drink she let me smoke weed, I was about 15. Until she got in trouble for contributing to the delequency of a minor when her and her boyfriend got into a domestic dispute I was 17 . Moved back with my grandparents and started shoplifting for awhile that was my high until I went to juvenile detention. Then it was back to alcohol at that time my mom was in some kind of midlife crisis, and was my enabler I always used people's weakness to my advantage I got really good at it, I didn't have a drug of choice my drug of choice was feeling different anything that made me feel different I started drinking heavily snorting cocaine smoking crack hung with a lot of other people like me, seen many friends I got high with die and still did it, I sold myself for crack I stole for my habit, I ended up the most God awful situations anyone could go through. I slept with old men went to severely bad neighborhoods for the drug, eventually I stopped crack after I started hallucinating hiding in the bathroom hearing voices and smoking dope with a locked door behind a shower curtain, so I went back to pain medication doctor shopping snorting and parachuting pills. Was in and out of jail While drinking a lot again, have alot of public intoxication and batteries got really fucked up just a few years ago tripping on LSD snorting cocaine drinking and took a friends norco and kolonopins (he gave them to me I didn't steal them) and decided to do something stupid and we went to jail for a weekend for grand theft auto and bringing stolen property to Georgia his I got lucky because I was not the driver and the girl who was his girlfriend only reported it stolen because she was mad he left with another girl. He immediately left Atlanta on a bus after that I was left down there for a week the man I'm with now regardless of anything I've done has stayed by my side he got me back not so many people are as lucky.
I lost my kids I have two. Not because of drug use actually but because my daughters father was abusive he threw.me out of a window, this is before the man ive been with for 4 years, I don't have kids with him. I was actually a good mother while I drank on occasion I didn't do what I did before or after them, when I lost them I fell apart again and couldn't complete the things department of child services.asked of me. I feel pathetic. My boyfriend now has always got me out of situations he's saved my life I slowed down on the drinking he couldn't take no more, I connived my way back into pills and almost died I overdosed on a lethal combination of Xanax morphine and percocet the emts and Dr told him if they had waited 15 more minutes I'd be dead and I signed mmyself out after the second day and begged for more pills I stayed on pills up until last month I started feeling bad because I've made my boyfriend lose everything he pawed everything he owned because he couldn't stand to see me sick so I quit. Then we moved to another house, and there's a crack dealer downstairs I justify my use by saying I'm trying to stay off pills, he noticed a pattern in me he finally caught on. But still enables me, funny thing is I don't prefer crack anymore and really dont enjoy it. I couldn't tell you why I use it and I really don't use it often, a 20 here. A 30 there not a crack head like I once was. I crave pills. I've snorted heroin but my tolerance was so high for opiates that it did nothing to me and I've never shoved a needle in my arm and probably never will.
I've had a lot of good times using, I've had fun but now i am non functioning, even when clean I have seizures and kidney problems and mental problems I'm bipolar severly Adhd and suspect I'm slightly schizophrenic and I suffer from agoraphobia I'm afraid to leave the house by myself I don't know exactly what I'm afraid of but I'm terrified. The anxiety is so severe I can't handle normal people things. I feel alone even though I am not, my boyfriend would love to see me healthy and active and happy without drugs but I fear I'm stuck. That's the best was I can describe it is stuck.
My dream one day is to get clean and help other addicts because I know how it feels to not have many understand I was so bad off that other drug addicts didn't understand. But I feel I will never be better, so this is my story. Maybe it will help someone. Maybe someone who is just starting out in life, I am far from a bad person as it may sound like above. I have a good heart, I just did bad things, if I could tell.my younger self what I know now, I'd tell her everything I just said here. I'm 29 years old, I'll be 30 in December, I have no job no education no ambition and the life had been sucked out of me. I have nothing my boyfriend who chooses to stay with me for what reason I don't know has nothing I it's all in a pawn shop, he has no car anymore he sold it, he is not a user of any kind of drug or even alcohol not even marijuana he gets angry with me a lot but has never givin up on me. Not many addicts are this lucky... I wasn't either until I met him, I have come along way. He encourages me when he brags to people on how good I am doing. But I could do better I feel, I have a lot of guilt built up and most of my feelings are negative. If I could tell any young girl who thinK's drugs and alcohol are glamorous and things like this will never happen to them, I thought that to... this is the dark side of addiction I have actually been lucky compared to some I've known. They are in caskets In cemeteries after doing less drugs than I have at times.
I am breathing, alive and while I don't feel good there still is hope and that's what I live for, the day I can walk out of my house by myself without drugs or alcohol and while I had an extreme addiction and still battle it today I haven't givin up. I have gotten better, while some may disagree. It's steps, you take that make a difference and I really want it now. My life was hell and I created it. I do take responsibly it's my life that's the road I chose and it's no longer enjoyable.
I grew up in a really nice home, raised by my successful grandparents, mom and dad divorced neither wanted responsibility, but was very loved and had a lot more than others. Grandpa was a pastor I went to a Christian school, etc.
Didn't really have any trauma, except I was molested by a female cousin on a trip to disney but because I was so sheltered I didn't realize she was a twisted individual. But it never really seemed to be a deep issue I don't know if I choose to ignore the subject, I'm not afraid to talk about it, nor do I feel ashamed I understand it's common, karma served her when she went to prison she too is a drug addict. She was 15 I was about 7.
Fast forward I stumbled into drugs accidentally. I was 13, again very sheltered my friends sister told me if I took this little colorful strip I'd see things that wasn't there. I said nuh uh and took it and I figured out awhile later it was LSD pretty harsh for a ffirst drug. Had a bad expedience and didn't touch anything again until my grandma gave me a Vicodin a year later when I complained of severe mental cramping, I never forgot the feeling, I felt so warm and comfortable and content. I then manipulated for the drug complaining of pain I did not have, my grandma was the person who condoned my behavior later I spun out of control I started alcohol she couldn't control me and let me live with another. CousIn who was a function alcoholic although her problem was severe, she let me drink she let me smoke weed, I was about 15. Until she got in trouble for contributing to the delequency of a minor when her and her boyfriend got into a domestic dispute I was 17 . Moved back with my grandparents and started shoplifting for awhile that was my high until I went to juvenile detention. Then it was back to alcohol at that time my mom was in some kind of midlife crisis, and was my enabler I always used people's weakness to my advantage I got really good at it, I didn't have a drug of choice my drug of choice was feeling different anything that made me feel different I started drinking heavily snorting cocaine smoking crack hung with a lot of other people like me, seen many friends I got high with die and still did it, I sold myself for crack I stole for my habit, I ended up the most God awful situations anyone could go through. I slept with old men went to severely bad neighborhoods for the drug, eventually I stopped crack after I started hallucinating hiding in the bathroom hearing voices and smoking dope with a locked door behind a shower curtain, so I went back to pain medication doctor shopping snorting and parachuting pills. Was in and out of jail While drinking a lot again, have alot of public intoxication and batteries got really fucked up just a few years ago tripping on LSD snorting cocaine drinking and took a friends norco and kolonopins (he gave them to me I didn't steal them) and decided to do something stupid and we went to jail for a weekend for grand theft auto and bringing stolen property to Georgia his I got lucky because I was not the driver and the girl who was his girlfriend only reported it stolen because she was mad he left with another girl. He immediately left Atlanta on a bus after that I was left down there for a week the man I'm with now regardless of anything I've done has stayed by my side he got me back not so many people are as lucky.
I lost my kids I have two. Not because of drug use actually but because my daughters father was abusive he threw.me out of a window, this is before the man ive been with for 4 years, I don't have kids with him. I was actually a good mother while I drank on occasion I didn't do what I did before or after them, when I lost them I fell apart again and couldn't complete the things department of child services.asked of me. I feel pathetic. My boyfriend now has always got me out of situations he's saved my life I slowed down on the drinking he couldn't take no more, I connived my way back into pills and almost died I overdosed on a lethal combination of Xanax morphine and percocet the emts and Dr told him if they had waited 15 more minutes I'd be dead and I signed mmyself out after the second day and begged for more pills I stayed on pills up until last month I started feeling bad because I've made my boyfriend lose everything he pawed everything he owned because he couldn't stand to see me sick so I quit. Then we moved to another house, and there's a crack dealer downstairs I justify my use by saying I'm trying to stay off pills, he noticed a pattern in me he finally caught on. But still enables me, funny thing is I don't prefer crack anymore and really dont enjoy it. I couldn't tell you why I use it and I really don't use it often, a 20 here. A 30 there not a crack head like I once was. I crave pills. I've snorted heroin but my tolerance was so high for opiates that it did nothing to me and I've never shoved a needle in my arm and probably never will.
I've had a lot of good times using, I've had fun but now i am non functioning, even when clean I have seizures and kidney problems and mental problems I'm bipolar severly Adhd and suspect I'm slightly schizophrenic and I suffer from agoraphobia I'm afraid to leave the house by myself I don't know exactly what I'm afraid of but I'm terrified. The anxiety is so severe I can't handle normal people things. I feel alone even though I am not, my boyfriend would love to see me healthy and active and happy without drugs but I fear I'm stuck. That's the best was I can describe it is stuck.
My dream one day is to get clean and help other addicts because I know how it feels to not have many understand I was so bad off that other drug addicts didn't understand. But I feel I will never be better, so this is my story. Maybe it will help someone. Maybe someone who is just starting out in life, I am far from a bad person as it may sound like above. I have a good heart, I just did bad things, if I could tell.my younger self what I know now, I'd tell her everything I just said here. I'm 29 years old, I'll be 30 in December, I have no job no education no ambition and the life had been sucked out of me. I have nothing my boyfriend who chooses to stay with me for what reason I don't know has nothing I it's all in a pawn shop, he has no car anymore he sold it, he is not a user of any kind of drug or even alcohol not even marijuana he gets angry with me a lot but has never givin up on me. Not many addicts are this lucky... I wasn't either until I met him, I have come along way. He encourages me when he brags to people on how good I am doing. But I could do better I feel, I have a lot of guilt built up and most of my feelings are negative. If I could tell any young girl who thinK's drugs and alcohol are glamorous and things like this will never happen to them, I thought that to... this is the dark side of addiction I have actually been lucky compared to some I've known. They are in caskets In cemeteries after doing less drugs than I have at times.
I am breathing, alive and while I don't feel good there still is hope and that's what I live for, the day I can walk out of my house by myself without drugs or alcohol and while I had an extreme addiction and still battle it today I haven't givin up. I have gotten better, while some may disagree. It's steps, you take that make a difference and I really want it now. My life was hell and I created it. I do take responsibly it's my life that's the road I chose and it's no longer enjoyable.
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