thefinalpush
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Oct 8, 2014
- Messages
- 13
Hello Bluelight,
Firstly i'd just like to say that I've been lurking these forums for about a good 4-5 months now and have now finally mustered up the courage and energy to post. My intentions for this post is to finally explain my situation to like minded people who may have or know someone experiencing similar experiences and symptoms, and also for any help/advice/recovery stories/recommendations that people may have.
So first and foremost, I've fucked up big time. There's no dancing around it, there's no sugar coating it, that's just the reality of the situation and I have well and truly accepted it. Moving forward, I have now begun the road to recovery and am trying my best to get there as quick as I can. Let me start off with some background knowledge about myself and some context. I am a 22 year old male from Western Australia and I am currently 3 months into a Long Term Comedown, however it is very well probably much more than a LTC. I'll keep my history short and brief and summarise it like this:
Age 12 - 16: Very overweight, anti social and unhealthy teenager - Hated eating healthy, only ate unhealthy food, worked at Mcdonalds and would eat it every shift. Binged on sugar and drank next to no water. Overall was a very unhealthy and unconfident teen who never got any pussy and was a nerd. Would spend all my spare time in front of the computer programming/gaming or posting on forums. Was very anti drugs (went to a catholic school) however had very dodgey cousins who I looked up to and respected for some reason (don't know what that reason is lol). Weighed around 91kg on a skinny-fat african frame.
Age 16 - 18: Began smoking weed occasionally with friends and one night when I was 16 I had an epiphany and looked in the mirror and told myself if I wanted to improve my life, I had to be the change. From then onwards I started up a strict exercise regime and diet and followed it to a tee. This resulted in me losing 20 kgs over 8 weeks and dropping down to a skinny frame. This gave me amazing boost in self confidence, girls starting talking to me, guys starting respecting me and from then onwards i vowed to be the best version of myself i could be. I fell in love with weed and smoked it daily and can say it attributed to a lot of my success in some ways (but is now also the reason for some of my pain now-a-days). Looking back in hindsight, this was the beginning of the substance abuse that would unfold. I became very "open-minded" in contrast to those around me and began questioning everything (typical Joe Rogan type stuff if you know what I'm talking about). Besides girl issues (always breaking my heart, which hindsight was just me not understanding them properly and causing myself a lot of grief), life was tops with its normal ups and downs and i was very healthy in regards to my body and diet.
I became very social after losing my weight and made a lot of new friends in many different scenes.
A friend showed me dexamphetamine for study when i was in year 12 and i used it sparingly to achieve great results while still maintaining a full lifestyle. I would say i used about 50 - 70 dexies (5mg) over my year 12 experience. I got a good high school score and was accepted into uni, i decided to study commerce majoring in business info tech and systems seeing as due to my nerdy past, it all made sense and i could get through it with minimal study/effort. I was very intelligent even without drugs, just had shitty focus and concentration.
I began taking the gym seriously, never missing sessions and taking supplements. I stumbled across NO Shotgun which was this intense stimulant that i would take and have the most epic workouts of my life. I was hooked and from then onwards, would never train without a preworkout.
Age 18-20: Once i turned 18 i began hitting the clubs, getting drunk and doing the usual teenage things. I realised at this age that i was still a tiny fish in a big pond and wanted to bulk up. I began "bodybuilding" (i use that term sparingly as i thought it was bodybuilding at the time but but I now realise I was just a gym rat) eating a lot and food and putting on size. I dabbled with steroids for the first time at 19 (for you steroid buffs out there, i took Test E 300mg for 12 weeks, with a nolvadex pct 40/40/40/20) and put on 7 kgs of lean mass, also used clenbuterol for a bit to maintain a nice lean physique. Life was great and i was feeling great. Up until I had a heart break from a girl who i was head over heels for ("the one") and she ended up dating a friend of mine instead which completely rocked my world. I was depressed and it took a lot of self healing to get over it. Also I had my first ecstasy pill at a music festival and fell in love with the drug. My love for trance music was born and so the music drug period began. In summary me and my friends (about 15 - 40 of us) would go out most weekends and pop pills while at Trance gigs and go to music festivals and get cooked all day and have a blast. It was great and an amazing time. I would literally not leave the dance floor and dance hard for like 4 - 5 hours every rave.
Age 20 - 22.
Music days still continuing in full swing. We would travel to different countries to go to trance events and do pills. Ended up finishing my degree (didn't fail a unit surprisingly enough) at 20 years old. Went on a large Europe party trip with two of my best mates to celebrate, which involved a week in Ibiza (for my birthday), Magaluf, Amsterdam etc. Did xtc and coke and weed for like 3-4 days consecutively and for the rest of the trip just smoked weed.) The Europe trip was supposed to be the end of our party days (we were growing tired of the comedowns and also were not happy we were doing so much drugs so we agreed to finish it off with a bang). I did a steroid cycle leading up to the trip (625mg Test E for 12 weeks, PCT was nolvadex 40/40/40/20 and arimidex. Put on 7kg of lean mass, was sitting at 90kg)
Once we got back from Europe our plan had somewhat worked and we were so fried that we didn't go out for atleast 4 months (big improvement considering we were going out every weekend). Just stayed in and smoked weed on the weekends together and chilled. This was good because as we started to slow down, a lot of our friends around us who also were frequent ravers did too. We were so damaged at this point but didn't seem to mind, just wanting to push through and get on with the days. I began taking 5htp as part of my nightly stack (which i would later go on to regret) and various other supplements to help my body heal. I also did another steroid cycle a month after returning (625mg Test E for 12 weeks, Anavar 80mg for 4 weeks, nolvadex and arimidex pct).
November rolled around which is the start of festival season and our biggest rave announced that It would be two days. It had been 4 months since we last rolled so we all agreed to go and have a blast and so we did (had 7 pills on day 1, and 6 on day 2). That festival took it out of us, took almost a week to get back to some sense of normality. We then proceeded to go out to a rave once a month or so but agreed that the days were limited as it was taking its toll on everybody. I was severely adrenal fatigued (did not know what it was at the time but after research and looking back now i do).
I was also taking melatonin 5mg nightly to get to sleep/stay asleep.). I was in a tough way and discovered a supplement called NTBM Bridge, which is a supplement from America that assists in keeping gains while you're in-between cycles. Once i started taking this, not only was i keeping onto my gains but my cognitive function was greatly improved (i was not aware at the time however, so basically this just resulted in me doing even more damage to myself as i thought i was better than i actually was).
Also tried Mushrooms (twice) and LSD (once). Love them but they changed my mindset too much to be in big business (makes me aware that its all corrupt and wrong. We should be healing the earth not pillaging from it).
TL,DR;
- Was an unhealthy overweight teenager.
- Became healthy and fit, began body building and raving.
- Addicted to pre workout, caffeine etc.
- Consumed a lot of drugs (Estimated Figures: approx 800 XTC/MDMA caps. ALOT of weed (3+ pounds), 300-400 dexies, 3 cycles of steroids (testosterone/Anavar), clenbuterol etc... few valium/xanax here and there but not excessive (10 max). lsd once, mushrooms twice.
- Severely adrenal fatigued.
Near the end of the roller-coaster it was a very much "i could die and so be it" but at the same time i was in denial and thought i was healthy and that other people must have done a lot more.
The moment my world changed and recovery began
So as the previous context I've given above outlines, I was severely off the rails yet somehow getting away with it. Working in big business and doing a great job as a graduate business analyst (initially) and having my cake and eating it to. Even though the comedowns had grown terrible and work was a pain at the beginning of the weeks, i was still getting through the days with somewhat of a smile which was a win in my book.... Until August 14th 2014.
To summarise the story i went out and bought two pills from a mate of a mate who i hadn't gotten off before. After having them and a very average time (didn't feel much besides a bit of energy) i went home and fell asleep. When i awoke the next day is when the nightmare (or what i call now, moment of clarity, began). As i lay in bed for a good 6 - 8 hours, filled with anxiety, i connected the dots. I thought of my mum (who's single and has worked her absolute ass of to give me everything (who is totally unaware of my substance abuse) and is totally anti drugs, I thought of my friends who I've let down and those who I've lost along the way due to the person i have become. And i thought of how sustainable this lifestyle was going to really be moving forward and also what path i was to take in the future , if i wanted to have one. To be honest, the above context only tips the iceberg of the lifestyle I was living. We call it the "turbo" lifestyle over here because everything is fast paced. I have done much over the last 3 years that I feel like I am just ready to settle down and live a simple existence.
A few days later, motivated as hell to turn my life around and point it into a new direction, I started my detox and stopped taking all my gym supplements except 5htp and l-tyrosine (I initially tried to stop this cold turkey as well but was hit with heavy depression and anxiety so i did a 2 week taper off and have been off ever since, Big heads up: 5htp everyday for a year is a bad idea lol).. What followed was 6 weeks of adjusting which definitely was one of those "gotta get worse before it gets better" type things.
I bought a liver detox kit from the health store which smelt potent and used that daily alongside fish oil, a multi vitamin and vitamin C. I cleaned my diet right up and began eating nothing but clean healthy food, with a massive serve of vegetables every night, and drank bottles and bottles of water every day. Eating bananas throughout the day to assist with the low serotonin helped a lot. The first 6-8 weeks was very tough and filled with depression and anxiety but after the 8 week mark, the depression subsided a bit. I still however have the majority of the symptoms i commonly see described on bluelight as a Long Term Comedown (which makes total sense when you look at the extent of the usage I was doing). Fatigue is another issue and because of it i have not been to the gym in close to 4 months.. i have however been going for jogs when i can, but they tend to make my symptoms better right after (Runners High) but then my LTC symptoms are a lot worse the next day, which i think may be from the adrenal fatigue. Brain fog is the symptom i hate the most though as it always causes me anxiety and i feel like i am a dumber version of myself. I panic so much at work when under pressure and can't multi task without forgetting stuff.
I have been to see a naturopath who gave me a probiotic to take for a month (finished it last week), a detox kit which is supposed to help flush the metabolites stored in my body out, and some herbal adrenal tablets to help with adrenal fatigue. I saw a little bit of improvement but nothing big.
I haven't touched ecstasy/mdma since beginning my detox (12 weeks) and have had an 11 week break from weed, in which when i did smoke again was just a tiny bit from a vaporiser and then half a joint a few days later. My detox has somewhat taken a bit of a pause as I am on a 3 week holiday in Amsterdam and struggle to find healthy options to eat but will try my best. One thing is for sure and I am committed to not take any large steps backwards (going to barely smoke weed this time around) and will not be taking anything naughty. This trip was planned by myself before shit properly hit the fan as a relax/naughty trip to get up to no good and relax by myself. It has now however taken a different turn and It is more spiritual and about trying to work on healing my soul.
My overall goals for the detox:
- Allow my body to restore to homestasis - This in my opinion may be done soon, but would take around 3 - 6 months, so I am half way there now.
- Begin the repair phase. This will involve going to the doctors and getting bloodwork checked (check my testosterone, estrogen etc as this may be a cause for the fatigue and see if there is anything they can do about it), and depending on my long term comedown symptoms around that time, may involve getting help with my anxiety/depersonalisation and other symptoms. I want to try and avoid SSRI's/anti-anxiety meds as much as I can but also understand that it might be unlikely as of the damage I've caused.
- If i can somehow relieve myself of the LTC symptoms and minimise my anxiety, i will be a happy man and able to get on with life and just try my best to live like a normal person.
If you've made it this far, thanks for your time for reading. I have been through hell these past 6 months and have had minimal people to talk to who understand. Majority of people tell me its in my head and not to worry about it, even after i tell them about my usage. Also, before you post and say WTF was I thinking or that i deserve it, I just want to make it known that i honestly do not know. Looking back now it appears so obvious that i should have stopped very long ago, but getting caught up with the wrong crowd and being so drugged up on both narcotics and over the counters, plus adrenal fatigue severely impaired my judgement and personality. I was once such a young and wholesome boy but with few change of events, turned into a monster.
I have quite a few friends who have done up in the high hundreds of pills/caps (600+) and they are doing alright now.. I've heard we get the worst pills from all Australia as we're so isolated which makes sense.
I will update this with my progress for other people in similar situations going through it and will take note of things that help and that do not.
Does anyone have any similar stories of abuse and recovery to share?
Firstly i'd just like to say that I've been lurking these forums for about a good 4-5 months now and have now finally mustered up the courage and energy to post. My intentions for this post is to finally explain my situation to like minded people who may have or know someone experiencing similar experiences and symptoms, and also for any help/advice/recovery stories/recommendations that people may have.
So first and foremost, I've fucked up big time. There's no dancing around it, there's no sugar coating it, that's just the reality of the situation and I have well and truly accepted it. Moving forward, I have now begun the road to recovery and am trying my best to get there as quick as I can. Let me start off with some background knowledge about myself and some context. I am a 22 year old male from Western Australia and I am currently 3 months into a Long Term Comedown, however it is very well probably much more than a LTC. I'll keep my history short and brief and summarise it like this:
Age 12 - 16: Very overweight, anti social and unhealthy teenager - Hated eating healthy, only ate unhealthy food, worked at Mcdonalds and would eat it every shift. Binged on sugar and drank next to no water. Overall was a very unhealthy and unconfident teen who never got any pussy and was a nerd. Would spend all my spare time in front of the computer programming/gaming or posting on forums. Was very anti drugs (went to a catholic school) however had very dodgey cousins who I looked up to and respected for some reason (don't know what that reason is lol). Weighed around 91kg on a skinny-fat african frame.
Age 16 - 18: Began smoking weed occasionally with friends and one night when I was 16 I had an epiphany and looked in the mirror and told myself if I wanted to improve my life, I had to be the change. From then onwards I started up a strict exercise regime and diet and followed it to a tee. This resulted in me losing 20 kgs over 8 weeks and dropping down to a skinny frame. This gave me amazing boost in self confidence, girls starting talking to me, guys starting respecting me and from then onwards i vowed to be the best version of myself i could be. I fell in love with weed and smoked it daily and can say it attributed to a lot of my success in some ways (but is now also the reason for some of my pain now-a-days). Looking back in hindsight, this was the beginning of the substance abuse that would unfold. I became very "open-minded" in contrast to those around me and began questioning everything (typical Joe Rogan type stuff if you know what I'm talking about). Besides girl issues (always breaking my heart, which hindsight was just me not understanding them properly and causing myself a lot of grief), life was tops with its normal ups and downs and i was very healthy in regards to my body and diet.
I became very social after losing my weight and made a lot of new friends in many different scenes.
A friend showed me dexamphetamine for study when i was in year 12 and i used it sparingly to achieve great results while still maintaining a full lifestyle. I would say i used about 50 - 70 dexies (5mg) over my year 12 experience. I got a good high school score and was accepted into uni, i decided to study commerce majoring in business info tech and systems seeing as due to my nerdy past, it all made sense and i could get through it with minimal study/effort. I was very intelligent even without drugs, just had shitty focus and concentration.
I began taking the gym seriously, never missing sessions and taking supplements. I stumbled across NO Shotgun which was this intense stimulant that i would take and have the most epic workouts of my life. I was hooked and from then onwards, would never train without a preworkout.
Age 18-20: Once i turned 18 i began hitting the clubs, getting drunk and doing the usual teenage things. I realised at this age that i was still a tiny fish in a big pond and wanted to bulk up. I began "bodybuilding" (i use that term sparingly as i thought it was bodybuilding at the time but but I now realise I was just a gym rat) eating a lot and food and putting on size. I dabbled with steroids for the first time at 19 (for you steroid buffs out there, i took Test E 300mg for 12 weeks, with a nolvadex pct 40/40/40/20) and put on 7 kgs of lean mass, also used clenbuterol for a bit to maintain a nice lean physique. Life was great and i was feeling great. Up until I had a heart break from a girl who i was head over heels for ("the one") and she ended up dating a friend of mine instead which completely rocked my world. I was depressed and it took a lot of self healing to get over it. Also I had my first ecstasy pill at a music festival and fell in love with the drug. My love for trance music was born and so the music drug period began. In summary me and my friends (about 15 - 40 of us) would go out most weekends and pop pills while at Trance gigs and go to music festivals and get cooked all day and have a blast. It was great and an amazing time. I would literally not leave the dance floor and dance hard for like 4 - 5 hours every rave.
Age 20 - 22.
Music days still continuing in full swing. We would travel to different countries to go to trance events and do pills. Ended up finishing my degree (didn't fail a unit surprisingly enough) at 20 years old. Went on a large Europe party trip with two of my best mates to celebrate, which involved a week in Ibiza (for my birthday), Magaluf, Amsterdam etc. Did xtc and coke and weed for like 3-4 days consecutively and for the rest of the trip just smoked weed.) The Europe trip was supposed to be the end of our party days (we were growing tired of the comedowns and also were not happy we were doing so much drugs so we agreed to finish it off with a bang). I did a steroid cycle leading up to the trip (625mg Test E for 12 weeks, PCT was nolvadex 40/40/40/20 and arimidex. Put on 7kg of lean mass, was sitting at 90kg)
Once we got back from Europe our plan had somewhat worked and we were so fried that we didn't go out for atleast 4 months (big improvement considering we were going out every weekend). Just stayed in and smoked weed on the weekends together and chilled. This was good because as we started to slow down, a lot of our friends around us who also were frequent ravers did too. We were so damaged at this point but didn't seem to mind, just wanting to push through and get on with the days. I began taking 5htp as part of my nightly stack (which i would later go on to regret) and various other supplements to help my body heal. I also did another steroid cycle a month after returning (625mg Test E for 12 weeks, Anavar 80mg for 4 weeks, nolvadex and arimidex pct).
November rolled around which is the start of festival season and our biggest rave announced that It would be two days. It had been 4 months since we last rolled so we all agreed to go and have a blast and so we did (had 7 pills on day 1, and 6 on day 2). That festival took it out of us, took almost a week to get back to some sense of normality. We then proceeded to go out to a rave once a month or so but agreed that the days were limited as it was taking its toll on everybody. I was severely adrenal fatigued (did not know what it was at the time but after research and looking back now i do).
I was also taking melatonin 5mg nightly to get to sleep/stay asleep.). I was in a tough way and discovered a supplement called NTBM Bridge, which is a supplement from America that assists in keeping gains while you're in-between cycles. Once i started taking this, not only was i keeping onto my gains but my cognitive function was greatly improved (i was not aware at the time however, so basically this just resulted in me doing even more damage to myself as i thought i was better than i actually was).
Also tried Mushrooms (twice) and LSD (once). Love them but they changed my mindset too much to be in big business (makes me aware that its all corrupt and wrong. We should be healing the earth not pillaging from it).
TL,DR;
- Was an unhealthy overweight teenager.
- Became healthy and fit, began body building and raving.
- Addicted to pre workout, caffeine etc.
- Consumed a lot of drugs (Estimated Figures: approx 800 XTC/MDMA caps. ALOT of weed (3+ pounds), 300-400 dexies, 3 cycles of steroids (testosterone/Anavar), clenbuterol etc... few valium/xanax here and there but not excessive (10 max). lsd once, mushrooms twice.
- Severely adrenal fatigued.
Near the end of the roller-coaster it was a very much "i could die and so be it" but at the same time i was in denial and thought i was healthy and that other people must have done a lot more.
The moment my world changed and recovery began
So as the previous context I've given above outlines, I was severely off the rails yet somehow getting away with it. Working in big business and doing a great job as a graduate business analyst (initially) and having my cake and eating it to. Even though the comedowns had grown terrible and work was a pain at the beginning of the weeks, i was still getting through the days with somewhat of a smile which was a win in my book.... Until August 14th 2014.
To summarise the story i went out and bought two pills from a mate of a mate who i hadn't gotten off before. After having them and a very average time (didn't feel much besides a bit of energy) i went home and fell asleep. When i awoke the next day is when the nightmare (or what i call now, moment of clarity, began). As i lay in bed for a good 6 - 8 hours, filled with anxiety, i connected the dots. I thought of my mum (who's single and has worked her absolute ass of to give me everything (who is totally unaware of my substance abuse) and is totally anti drugs, I thought of my friends who I've let down and those who I've lost along the way due to the person i have become. And i thought of how sustainable this lifestyle was going to really be moving forward and also what path i was to take in the future , if i wanted to have one. To be honest, the above context only tips the iceberg of the lifestyle I was living. We call it the "turbo" lifestyle over here because everything is fast paced. I have done much over the last 3 years that I feel like I am just ready to settle down and live a simple existence.
A few days later, motivated as hell to turn my life around and point it into a new direction, I started my detox and stopped taking all my gym supplements except 5htp and l-tyrosine (I initially tried to stop this cold turkey as well but was hit with heavy depression and anxiety so i did a 2 week taper off and have been off ever since, Big heads up: 5htp everyday for a year is a bad idea lol).. What followed was 6 weeks of adjusting which definitely was one of those "gotta get worse before it gets better" type things.
I bought a liver detox kit from the health store which smelt potent and used that daily alongside fish oil, a multi vitamin and vitamin C. I cleaned my diet right up and began eating nothing but clean healthy food, with a massive serve of vegetables every night, and drank bottles and bottles of water every day. Eating bananas throughout the day to assist with the low serotonin helped a lot. The first 6-8 weeks was very tough and filled with depression and anxiety but after the 8 week mark, the depression subsided a bit. I still however have the majority of the symptoms i commonly see described on bluelight as a Long Term Comedown (which makes total sense when you look at the extent of the usage I was doing). Fatigue is another issue and because of it i have not been to the gym in close to 4 months.. i have however been going for jogs when i can, but they tend to make my symptoms better right after (Runners High) but then my LTC symptoms are a lot worse the next day, which i think may be from the adrenal fatigue. Brain fog is the symptom i hate the most though as it always causes me anxiety and i feel like i am a dumber version of myself. I panic so much at work when under pressure and can't multi task without forgetting stuff.
I have been to see a naturopath who gave me a probiotic to take for a month (finished it last week), a detox kit which is supposed to help flush the metabolites stored in my body out, and some herbal adrenal tablets to help with adrenal fatigue. I saw a little bit of improvement but nothing big.
I haven't touched ecstasy/mdma since beginning my detox (12 weeks) and have had an 11 week break from weed, in which when i did smoke again was just a tiny bit from a vaporiser and then half a joint a few days later. My detox has somewhat taken a bit of a pause as I am on a 3 week holiday in Amsterdam and struggle to find healthy options to eat but will try my best. One thing is for sure and I am committed to not take any large steps backwards (going to barely smoke weed this time around) and will not be taking anything naughty. This trip was planned by myself before shit properly hit the fan as a relax/naughty trip to get up to no good and relax by myself. It has now however taken a different turn and It is more spiritual and about trying to work on healing my soul.
My overall goals for the detox:
- Allow my body to restore to homestasis - This in my opinion may be done soon, but would take around 3 - 6 months, so I am half way there now.
- Begin the repair phase. This will involve going to the doctors and getting bloodwork checked (check my testosterone, estrogen etc as this may be a cause for the fatigue and see if there is anything they can do about it), and depending on my long term comedown symptoms around that time, may involve getting help with my anxiety/depersonalisation and other symptoms. I want to try and avoid SSRI's/anti-anxiety meds as much as I can but also understand that it might be unlikely as of the damage I've caused.
- If i can somehow relieve myself of the LTC symptoms and minimise my anxiety, i will be a happy man and able to get on with life and just try my best to live like a normal person.
If you've made it this far, thanks for your time for reading. I have been through hell these past 6 months and have had minimal people to talk to who understand. Majority of people tell me its in my head and not to worry about it, even after i tell them about my usage. Also, before you post and say WTF was I thinking or that i deserve it, I just want to make it known that i honestly do not know. Looking back now it appears so obvious that i should have stopped very long ago, but getting caught up with the wrong crowd and being so drugged up on both narcotics and over the counters, plus adrenal fatigue severely impaired my judgement and personality. I was once such a young and wholesome boy but with few change of events, turned into a monster.
I have quite a few friends who have done up in the high hundreds of pills/caps (600+) and they are doing alright now.. I've heard we get the worst pills from all Australia as we're so isolated which makes sense.
I will update this with my progress for other people in similar situations going through it and will take note of things that help and that do not.
Does anyone have any similar stories of abuse and recovery to share?
. 