I'm only intimate with my partner when we swing

[swingingalone]

Hi there. New to this forum, which I stumbled upon trying to see if I could get some perspective on my situation. I'm not sure if I'm in the right place, but did see another thread on swinging. I have been seeing someone for a little over a year, and he wanted to start swinging. He had previous experiences from past relationships. I was game because I was curious. Now the situation has devolved into the only time we are intimate is when we are swinging with another couple. And because of our busy schedules we rarely see one another for lunch, coffee, etc. So most of our relationship consists of plans to meet up with other couples and when we do finally meet up my partner and I have on 2 of the 3 occasions (this is still new) not ended up having sex with one another. I explained to him that in a relationship where the partners were having regular sex with one another, the swapping of partners makes more sense - you are adding variety, etc. and that's part of the fun. But he and I are only having sex in the context of hooking up with another couple, and even then have not had sex. We have talked about it, but the no sex between us during an encounter has happened twice now. I am beginning to wonder if I am being used as a "straw woman" for him to have sex with as many females as he wants. I'm very upset and need guidance.

 

[Jabberwocky]

You don't mention whether or not you have talked to him about this?
Letting him know how you feel about this would probably be a good place to start

 

[swingingalone]

We did talk about it after the first time we were with another couple and did not have sex. I thought we had agreed that we would spend time with one another during these meet ups but then it happened again yesterday. I do understand that sometimes these things play out how they play out and have a momentum that carry things a certain way and that it may be awkward to stop in the middle to say, "Hey I need to go be with my partner now." And I understand from the other couple's perspective, they are probably primarily interested in being with a new person because that's the whole point, and not knowing our situation, it might be weird if we just focus on each other. The primary problem is that we don't have time alone together. He does not want to go to either of our places to be alone together because it's where our kids live and the one time he came to my place he said he was unnerved because it's the home I shared with my ex-husband. I think he called it hallowed ground. That would leave hotels, which seems stupid to me because we have places to go "ghosts" or not, but even with that he claims he doesn't have money to pay for a room. Anyway I feel like I am probably being used, but this whole situation is so new to me and I'm sensitive to being over sensitive. I was just wondering from the outside looking in what it looked like.

 

[421]

You wonder if you're being used as a straw woman... What's there to wonder, quite clearly you are. Does he consciously see you that way? Maybe not but does that matter?

It's not exactly the same thing but I watched a lecture on Youtube about problems caused by porn, namely how it causes men to have trouble performing sexually. The theory was that the constant novelty of being able to see different women all the time causes dopamine spikes that become addictive and rewire the brain. Instead of a real emotional connection and interaction with another person you end up wanting the novelty. "Arousal addiction" it was called. I could well imagine that the effects of swinging on the brain would be exactly the same if not worse because you are having real sex with novel partners.

The good part is that the effects can be reversed by stopping the behavior. But is your man willing to quit swinging and just be with you? What it really boils down to is, do you want the same things from life or not?

Here's the lecture if you want to watch it yourself:

 

[Mysterie]

^ idk how relevant that is, some people just like swinging, doesnt mean they have a porn addiction..

from what i read it seems like op needs to talk to her partner about what she's saying here

 

[Jabberwocky]

Swingingalone

In order for you to find out for sure if your just a "straw women" to him, you could tell him that you don't want to swing anymore (even if this is technically lying, I think it would be acceptable in this situation, but maybe that's just me) and then give your relationship some time and see how things goes.
If he loves you and your not a straw women to him by any means, when I quess that would be pretty clear to you after some time of not swinging and then you could bring up the swinging again if you want.
If he can't accept it, cheats, leaves you or the likes, when at least you got your questions regarding where he "stands" answered for sure and you can get on with your life without him.

 

[421]

^ idk how relevant that is, some people just like swinging, doesnt mean they have a porn addiction..

from what i read it seems like op needs to talk to her partner about what she's saying here

I think it's very relevant, even though he might not have a porn addiction. But an arousal addiction that's causing him to act more like a breeder bull than a human. Yes they should talk (more), but that might be difficult. He is avoiding building a real intimate relationship with ridiculous excuses, not even just avoiding sex. Either because he is afraid of losing the pleasure that novel partners provide, like a drug addict unwilling to go sober and explaining it with all kinds of self-denial, or then because he doesn't even want a real intimate relationship with another person. Or is afraid of a real intimate relationship, too much pain in the past that he hasn't dealt with or whatever.

 

[swingingalone]

Thanks for the comments everyone. He did tell me he has an addictive personality and even went so far as to say he thought he might be a sex addict. As for avoiding real intimacy ... he has said life has been raw and difficult for him and there is some "sad" thing that he want to tell me about but hasn't. He said he wants to tell me sometime about why he has so little time and energy and why he pinches himself. I have also noticed that his fingers always have bandages on them. I finally asked him about that a couple of weeks ago. He said it was from cooking. But I don't think I've ever seen someone cut themselves that much from cooking. I agree that a conversation is in order. I just needed some perspective because it's hard sometimes to see things clearly when you're right in the thick of things. I think I've probably been mistreated but also think I'm in love with him. As with all relationships it's never all bad. I don't know whether I should tell him that or not. But we definitely need to talk.

 

[tomdpimp]

I think you also have issues that clearly need to be resolved. You are living with your ex and children. Are you moving on?

 

[Smoky]

Is he emotionally available at all, .. with you?