phazoKnight
Greenlighter
- Joined
- May 29, 2014
- Messages
- 19
I can count a little over five months since the last time I had anything pumped into my blood intravenously. I'll be honest, though, things may seem better to me, in terms of psychological help...but the emotional aspect hasn't gotten any better. Maybe worse. I can complain all I want but that will get me nowhere.
I feel like I unintentionally ripped ties from others, and then they deliberately ripped ties from me (key word: feel). Ironic melancholy. It was all out of my hands, though. Could I have done anything to stop all of that--that spin in my life I created that threw everything I had askew--from happening? To only make it all seem like it was done in vain? Maybe. Should I have? That depends. Do I want to hold on and suffer? Or do I let go?
The answer's pretty obvious.
It's like admitting you've gone too far ashore, when you really want to keep sailing to the great beyond, and subsequently dropping that anchor to stop. Then, (after tossing the anchor because it was rusting) heading back, one paddle at a time. Crew members may have left you, and the people who saw you leave from the shore may have given up on you, but you paddle on, anyway.
Because I can control what I do; that inner locus of control, you might say.
No shit, you fucking dumbass. You were told this before but you realized when it was too fucking late.
Yes, yes. But now that it's all done and gone, it can be practically called bullshit. Water under the bridge--shit down the toilet. Why waste energy on something that won't value your efforts--time--something that practically doesn't exist?
Because I can't turn back time. It's not even there.
I digress.
Of course, the damage has been done. Go figure.
That doesn't mean the people I harmed aren't still morbidly unaware, misled, and ignorant. They're people that are morbidly unaware, misled and ignorant whom I owe amends to now.
I can weep about a bunch of things. I could be weeping right now. What will it do? Maybe trigger a few pity tears here and there, but, really, I'm the one just getting the floor wet and slipping.
I'm not discounting feelings--oh, they're fucking there. Irrational, stupid and mundane. My view on love now has a dimensional split in between it and I'd honestly rather focus on the other shitty feelings than risk throwing my world into an inter-dimensional collapse/rip. I've thrown a towel on it. For the moment, it's a chemical imbalance I choose to not pursue. (Why throw myself onto another person, thing, whatever, when I clearly have to work on the road I'm on? I don't have a safety net, unlike other privileged fuckers. And that's fine. Everyone's world is different; one is shittier than the other.
But enough of that. It's typed down and it no longer occupies space in my mind.
I still get people telling me to stop taking my medication and "just be happy." My mind has stabilized and, surprise, my fucking focus problem turned out to actually BE ADD (turns out my dad has it, so that fucking explains a lot). So, more shit to put aside while I think for a few moments.
But what can you do? Simple. I can be happy for others. Throw the spite away because it's a grenade and I can accidentally pull the pin. Acknowledge that people care for me, or don't give two shits about me.
I still feel sad sometimes. I can't help but cry. That's my own little upheaval that I need. For myself. Because, as a wise man told me once, "Make yourself number one." Does that mean be completely selfish? Fuck no. It means I can be selfish, but if helping others and knowing I have shit to do for my sake and the relief of others, it can satisfy me; therefore, it is by all means, still being selfish. I'm just not trying to be self-centered.
"Fake it till you make it." How do you fucking do that? I can choose to be happy, but that doesn't eradicate inner demons. I want peace but a void sucks it up and dematerializes it to nothing.
And now I'm fucking here. A week after five months, and things don't feel all right. Back in school, still not a part of. Things might not feel better for the moment. But I still feel like wanting to die. Can I help it?
I feel like I unintentionally ripped ties from others, and then they deliberately ripped ties from me (key word: feel). Ironic melancholy. It was all out of my hands, though. Could I have done anything to stop all of that--that spin in my life I created that threw everything I had askew--from happening? To only make it all seem like it was done in vain? Maybe. Should I have? That depends. Do I want to hold on and suffer? Or do I let go?
The answer's pretty obvious.
It's like admitting you've gone too far ashore, when you really want to keep sailing to the great beyond, and subsequently dropping that anchor to stop. Then, (after tossing the anchor because it was rusting) heading back, one paddle at a time. Crew members may have left you, and the people who saw you leave from the shore may have given up on you, but you paddle on, anyway.
Because I can control what I do; that inner locus of control, you might say.
No shit, you fucking dumbass. You were told this before but you realized when it was too fucking late.
Yes, yes. But now that it's all done and gone, it can be practically called bullshit. Water under the bridge--shit down the toilet. Why waste energy on something that won't value your efforts--time--something that practically doesn't exist?
Because I can't turn back time. It's not even there.
I digress.
Of course, the damage has been done. Go figure.
That doesn't mean the people I harmed aren't still morbidly unaware, misled, and ignorant. They're people that are morbidly unaware, misled and ignorant whom I owe amends to now.
I can weep about a bunch of things. I could be weeping right now. What will it do? Maybe trigger a few pity tears here and there, but, really, I'm the one just getting the floor wet and slipping.
I'm not discounting feelings--oh, they're fucking there. Irrational, stupid and mundane. My view on love now has a dimensional split in between it and I'd honestly rather focus on the other shitty feelings than risk throwing my world into an inter-dimensional collapse/rip. I've thrown a towel on it. For the moment, it's a chemical imbalance I choose to not pursue. (Why throw myself onto another person, thing, whatever, when I clearly have to work on the road I'm on? I don't have a safety net, unlike other privileged fuckers. And that's fine. Everyone's world is different; one is shittier than the other.
But enough of that. It's typed down and it no longer occupies space in my mind.
I still get people telling me to stop taking my medication and "just be happy." My mind has stabilized and, surprise, my fucking focus problem turned out to actually BE ADD (turns out my dad has it, so that fucking explains a lot). So, more shit to put aside while I think for a few moments.
But what can you do? Simple. I can be happy for others. Throw the spite away because it's a grenade and I can accidentally pull the pin. Acknowledge that people care for me, or don't give two shits about me.
I still feel sad sometimes. I can't help but cry. That's my own little upheaval that I need. For myself. Because, as a wise man told me once, "Make yourself number one." Does that mean be completely selfish? Fuck no. It means I can be selfish, but if helping others and knowing I have shit to do for my sake and the relief of others, it can satisfy me; therefore, it is by all means, still being selfish. I'm just not trying to be self-centered.
"Fake it till you make it." How do you fucking do that? I can choose to be happy, but that doesn't eradicate inner demons. I want peace but a void sucks it up and dematerializes it to nothing.
And now I'm fucking here. A week after five months, and things don't feel all right. Back in school, still not a part of. Things might not feel better for the moment. But I still feel like wanting to die. Can I help it?