Here I go again - the Codeine and Kratom Merry Go Round

[Hedonistica]

I've started on kratom again after a break of a couple of months, during which my codeine use has been steadily creeping up.

Can get codeine linctus where I am, but the rigmarole of online pharmacy rotation, sleeping on the sofa to make sure packages arrive, and finding the empty bottles mounting into a mountain has led me back to kratom - at least easily ordered, no limit on quantity, but those factors make it weigh heavily financially once my usage starts to go up.

I've done a lot of therapy, I'm a lot happier than I ever was in the past, have a lot of confidence and high self esteem in lots of ways, but I guess there is still a little bit that opiates/opioids/opiate-likes can get a hold of.

The problem is I am highly functioning, have work I love, and although costly it's more a case of "whoaaa, what am I spending on this crap", rather than impending financial ruin or being on the edge of fucking my life up, but still, there are better things I could spend the money on.

But there's a nagging part of my that's like, I need to stop all this. My biggest problem, perhaps, is not actually wanting to quit. I've gone through hell with withdrawals in the past because I had a lot of motivation to do it (start of a new relationship was one, I got clean and stayed clean for a while but that's all over now). Now it's like, I work hard, I don't have a huge social life (have friends but they are all married or in LTRs so don't see them all that much) so I feel I kind of deserve my little secret treats.

Just wonder if anyone has been through this kind of period with opiates, and decided they want to stop further down the line? Things are very busy for me at the moment - I couldn't fit in a withdrawal anywhere, and I am still actually enjoying using despite the tolerance going up. But it's certainly reached the point where I am using more than I want just to feel OK, which I swore I would never do again, I expect a lot of us have here!

Last time I quit all kratom and opiates for any length of time was New Year's day - it was going well until I got burgled the day after that, smack bang in middle of what were thankfully mild withdrawals, and a week later my kitchen got flooded and then a week after that had a robbery from my garden this time.... Throughout that period of stress and crap I stayed strong, then a crappy little thing happened and I just crumbled. It makes it so much harder to contemplate getting clean again because, well, my mind is convinced bad things will happen and I will end up using again, so why bother going through WD and all that.

Don't really know what I am saying or asking here, perhaps it will seem clearer to others!

 

[Bamagirl88]

I completely get it. And I am too in a similar situation. I keep going back and forth in my head about my TWO choices..either continue down opiod road or stop. Neither one is appealing. When I went to rehab in 12 I had a shitstorm afterwards. I think we fantasize that if and when we quit the heavens will part and a rainbow will appear and angles will sing praises..the truth is life happens. Kitchens flood and we get robbed, or mine, realitive robbed us, and my daughter got seriously injured..and there I was fresh into rehab going...you've fucking kidding me, here I cleaned up to face this? But, those things would of happened if we were using or not. That's life. And addicts lack stress skills. We don't like to feel negative things. Scares us. So our lack of coping skills is really a big part of the problem. And we KNOW we can ESCAPE by popping our doc in our body and it will be ALRIGHT. but is it?

weve got to go thru life just like every other human being. We've got to learn to cope and go learn skills that allow us to move thru the bad times without using. Easier said than done. I can truthfully say that.

and, I think most addicts have anxiety issues and we are scared people. We let fear rule our lives. And we are in the moment people. Does that make sense?

On on my good days I tell myself my mess is still gonna be there when I get back, added by another mess of abusing. So instead of one problem I've got two. Or more.

have you ever attended any recovery meetings? They really really helped me. I'm going back. I learned so much in the rooms. And whatsoever in those rooms gives me some power and skills to use when life throws me a shitstorm.

im sorry for rambling on your thread. I'm at that same crossroad you are...can you see me? I've got that which way do I go look.

 

[VitamaN]

I'm right there with you. Wanna quit... brain wants opiates. Can't shut that part off. Highly functional when I'm on it...
can't do shit without it even when I'm not in W/d. I'm just apathetic and being "lit" gives me a give-a-fuck boost to get up and get on with my day.
I stopped looking for it. Stopped chasing it and it found me . It always does.
Hanging out at a war veterans house and im going through his old medicine bag to try and tell him what exactly the doctor has been feeding him . Anti inflammatory drugs . blood pressure meds. Ibprofin ..... and bam whats this? OXY? What's this, hydrocodone? "You can have em I don't like that crap".
I didn't even say thank you I was too in shock. There was a time I could turn it down. Those days are gone. I'm glad I didn't buy kratom . I talked to my friend about scoring some and he says "that's like saying, I maxed out my credit card so I'm gonna get a new card to pay off my old debt"... smart guy. I didn't buy any.

 

[Hedonistica]

Thanks Bamagirl and Vitaman!

I am utterly shattered at the moment but I will return here soon when I can string a few proper sentences together, just want to say I appreciate your responses

 

[Xorkoth]

That's where I was for most of my 10 year opiate addiction. For the first 6.5-7 years it was kratom, the poppy seed tea (oral opium basically). I was always high-functioning, and for the first 5 or 6 years, I could afford it, though I never saved any money, but I was able to maintain my lifestyle without going into debt.

Eventually things changed, usage increased, and I bought a house. Then I started to go into serious debt. I still functioned, I maintained my job, even got a bunch of raises, and I even started a side career selling my art. But my life was still falling apart. The longer you keep at it, the worse it will affect your life. I barely got out of it alive in the end, mostly because I wanted to die and fantastized about killing myself to escape the pain.

 

[emkee_reinvented]

Well here yet is another one fellow passenger on your merry go round. Or ship like I imagine were all on the same boat.

I stopped my Kratom due to wanting to save every last euro ( yes even that 35 spent on Kratom monthly) and just stubbornness, don't need it. No kinda true but the cost, Switched from Kratom to experiencing lower back pain taking acetominophen/ nsaids and copious ammounts of benzo's. And still miserable after 10 days its been.


I feel for you and eagerly awaiting my next order to arrive. Not that anyone else should.

 

[Hedonistica]

Sorry to hear you went through all that Xokorth. At the moment I own my own house and have a lot of debts, which are mainly from financing the study which led to my new self employed career. Although my use isn't currently increasing my debt, the money I am spending would be probably better of chipping away at the debts. Though again, there is that part of me that doesn't want to be working my bones through just to chip a few rocks off a mountain every month, and that just says fuck it...

I like that there are fellow passengers on the merry go round. Or ship, boat, shopping cart, or other image (thanks emkee!)! I think there is a certain power in confession, which forums like this help to bring out in a safe way (and a bit like the groups that were mentioned above). BamaGirl mentions fear, and I think for a long time it was fear and anxiety that fuelled my use in the crazier days - from the first decades of my adult life where alcohol would be the DOC, to my dabblings with opiates to alleviate existential fear and anxiety as well as get me through stress.

These days I think the part of me that keeps craving is the lonely part - I don't mean in the sense that I have no friends, and wallow in misery every day thinking there is something wrong with me. I actually love my own company, like myself and can spend long periods alone, much as I did as a child, in my own world. Yet I do also thrive on intimacy and human connection. The problem is, the choice is often not mine - my friends are mainly married or in relationships, I work evenings making it difficult to socialize, am not in a relationship at this point in time, and I guess nobody except my therapist knows about my current use. I do know that there is a part of me that wants to unfold and grow but that keeps getting stifled by circumstances, I think it's that part that keeps itself wrapped up in the using, because it doesn't have room to grow at the moment.

I think, anyway! Just some Sunday ramblings. I do find it interesting that since I posted my thread my desire to use has gone down and I haven't used nearly so much. Maybe it's the power of confession, or just knowing that the merry go round has a bunch of other people spinning on it too, which I think it's sometimes easy to forget!