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Plagued by self-hatered

T

THECATINTHEHAT

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 17, 2005
Messages
8,169
Anyone have problems with this?

I can't stop being angry at myself/despising myself. I realise how incredibly self-centred this is but I need to do something about it because it leads to thoughts of just wanting to fuck everything off and give up.
 
Hey Cat,

Yea, when I was using. I hated the man I had become, the father I was and the husband I became. I think my family has seen me cry once, at my grandfather's funeral. I would cry almost every night towards the end, alone. Wondering why I was such a piece of shit. I felt horrible about myself. My confidence was gone, and I just didn't care anymore. Not sure if this is what you're going through, but that was it for me.

If ya wanna chat hit me up on pm. Hang in there cat.

Bob
 
Cat<3

You need to find a way to forgive yourself for what ever you are making yourself miserable about.

if your getting hit with a good dose of guilt and shame then your going to also need to forgive yourself.

Why do we all find the need to be perfect, to hold ourselves to the impossible standards of a god, and the make ourselves miserable when we constantly fail at the impossible goals and standards we set.

I don't know what you plan to do, but Im done making myself miserable. I start each day with a small fuck up, you know just to prove to myself im not pretending to be some boring ass god like dunce. Then I try and do the best I can, while making many mistakes every damn day. But i figure this ia a good investment, as if I learn from my mistakes, i get wisdom. Sometime I try and slide a fast one in, for extra wisdom and make a mistake on "accident", but I always catch myself and return the wisdom when i admit it was a choice.

Your a great guy, quit making yourself miserable. Your worth come from who you are and not where you work, or what you drive, or who or how many people you bed. It comes from who the fuck you are.. and you're a great guy cat. so quit making yourself miserable all the time!!

Paging all humans.. give yourself a break already<3 ease back from the flame you huddle up against, your burning yourself.. come step back away.. im sitting back here away from the torture machine, fucking up, but doing as close to the best i can.. but im not even sweating..

Give yourself a break and come join us, the living beautiful fuckups.. there are a whole bunch of us.. billions, every crazy fucker on this ball is a total fuck up. its alright, its who we are. ;)
 
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Thaks for the replies. <3

I know I'm an alright person as such and although I feel guilty about some of the damage I've caused I'm not caught up in that because I know I can put it right in the future (to an extent, obviously you can't change the past and have to let go of that) if I keep moving forward in the right way.

I don't know what's going on to be honest, I guess I'm grieving for the way I've fucked myself up in a way. I wish I could have the last ten years back. I guess I'm feeling alienated or something, it's hard to explain. I'm angry at what I've done to myself and all the failures. I know I need to let go of that shit but I just can't at the moment for some reason. I get stuck in a spiral where I feel inadequate, so I lose motivation to get off my arse and make the changes, so I get angry at myself, so I feel inadequate...

Trying to actually do some stuff to get me out of my own head (like volunteer work) and I think that will really help. I think I need to have some patience and faith that if I keep doing the right things then my situation will change. Being stuck on a benzo taper doesn't help either, I can't work out what's actually me being nuts and what's down to the taper.
 
you have to address the things that are causing you to hate yourself. hating yourself is a way to vent, i know for myself it's a way to allow myself to continue to fuck up or not do what I know I should- if there is something I want to do that i shouldn't I may just give into the temptation and think about how retarded I am for doing so. if you are using it as a way to justify or continue a certain bad habit, you must address that habit. it feels amazingly good to do so ime.

also I think that I use self-hatred as a way to be "safe" sort of, or not break out of my comfort zone. I tend to have a subconscious fear of being happy from things that have happened in my past. I use it as a defense mechanism so I can stay within my comfort zone and isolated, with thoughts like "people are just going to think i'm ugly stupid and annoying anyways so I won't even try to make friends" I sometimes prevent myself from taking social risks like meeting new people and just beat myself up mentally instead. I think I use self-hatred as an excuse to be a lazy sloth as well, for example, it is easier at times for me to believe that I am just a fuck up and lay around and watch movies all day than it is for me to accept the fact that I am not just a fuck up and that i have a lot of potential. I think the reason is that believing in yourself takes effort, and a lot of times accepting yourself for who and where you are at in life means that you have a long road of hard work ahead of you to get to where you want to be.

Either way it becomes a self-defeating cycle. You hate yourself because you do nothing, you do nothing because you hate yourself so much. Your dreams start to seem unreal and unattainable and very quickly you start to lose hope in yourself and everything around you. You may very well be facing a world of trouble and very difficult circumstances but self-hatred will do nothing but worsen the situation. If you do not believe in yourself, nobody else will. Everybody has their demons to face, and everybody falls down from time to time. Most people do not want to be around someone who is so wrapped up in their own hopelessness because it brings them down as well, makes them feel hopeless as well.. If you only expect bad things to happen, only bad things will happen. In a way it is like the saying "with a hammer in your hands everything looks like a nail". When you are in a bad head space and getting down on yourself, everything looks like a major problem.

If you are on a taper you must accept that you are not on level ground so to speak and do your best to stay positive. You are making improvements if you are on a taper, and it would seem to suggest that you have already been making positive changes. When I was getting off pills I had to keep reminding myself that I did not wake up one day completely addicted to pills- it was a slow and steady process. Recovery is very much the same, slow and steady then at some point down the line you look up and it's amazing how far you've come. This feeling will start build on itself as you heal and gain positive momentum, you just have to believe that you can make positive changes and stay with it.

I think finding an activity in which you can really give back to other people and help those in need, or one in which you can really build and hone in your skills is key to getting sober. For me, I am a singer and multi-instrument musician. When I was strung out I had a lot of cool ideas but lacked focus. Since I have quit a daily opiate and cigarette habit I have had to force myself to become more focused on singing. It is a daily effort, at times very monotonous but I have kept it up for a little over a year now and it becomes a source of greater and greater inspiration. Music is my passions, but singing also happens to be a way to constantly, but ever so slowly, improve myself. Little by little daily, and if I miss a week it is obvious how much I have regressed. I think the same is true with one's own character- if we let ourselves slip and take the easy way out we do not become stronger but instead weaker.

Biggest thing is to hang in there and hold onto hope. Emotions will pass and time can heal if you allow it. If you don't believe in yourself, nobody else will.

edit: i know i've said a lot already but I just want to add that finding ways to forgive yourself, forget about it, and get out of your own head space will do wonders. For me, nothing will ever make me truly forget some of the dark places I've been in my past, but there are ways to keep me from spinning around in the same darkness day after day. Neil DeGrass Tyson(sp??) says something like 'you will be amazed how far the simple philosophy of learning something new about the world and easing someone else's trouble will take you'.
 
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I agree very much with neversickanymore's advice. I should be dead about ten times by now because of all the dumb shit I've done in my life and that's not even considering my pill habit. I have a tendency to beat myself up over my bad decisions I've made and the consequences that I have to live with. But torturing yourself over this stuff is pointless, it won't undo anything. Every day of your life is a fresh slate, you have the opportunity to make the most of it
 
I know.

Knowing that it's a futile activity and stopping your brain from going there are two different things though, sometimes I just can't help getting stuck in that spiral. I do my best to snap myself out of it but sometimes I can't do it and I just have to hope it will subside soon.
 
I was stuck in a state I would call "delusional unhappiness" for a long time.

It took finding the right person to help get me out of this sort of mindset.
 
Regarding activities I have a number of things I do to snap myself out of it, doesn't always work though. Can't do the one thing I am dying to atm.

Regarding finding people who can snap me out of the mindset, that's not a good route for my head to go down because I just end up convincing myself that no one is or will be interested.
 
I haven't had that kind of anger towards myself, my attitude was blaming people around me and how this person didn't do this properly or this person is a big idiot etc etc which leads to me snapping and having anger issues.

I find watching comedy movies to be helpful nowadays maybe this will be of help?
 
Yeah I do that sometimes. Was feeling shit the other day and put on one of my fave stand up sets and by the end I realised I'd been laughing so much I felt better!

%)
 
Yes, I spend too much of my time hating myself. Mostly for hurting my family when I was using heroin. I guess the concept of "living amends" helps me. The only thing I can do now is to not do the same shit I used to anymore -- to live as a better person to them. To just do better now.

I think I also have some self-hate from childhood issues (my mom trying to off herself and being in a coma for months when I was a kid), being a bipolar asshole, feeling unloveable. I see a therapist and take a mood stabilizer which help somewhat with the self-hate. I know I could try harder to help myself,like try to make friends more.

Maybe you can relate to what I've said.
 
Cat I completely understand the feeling ur going through because I have encountered it few months ago what I want to tell you is that the only thing being angry at myself taught me is that to stay stuck in one point try to see positive stuff and bright side in everything and especially in yourself it would really help you.I recommend as well consulting a psychanalyst to know more about methods to get over this feeling
Good luck
 
Are you sure your studying the right things.. are you on the right path.. I think if you were on the right path and studying subject matter that you are interested in then going to classes would involve allot more enjoyment.. also could mean that going to work eventually might involve happiness as well.
 
I enjoy the classes, this is what makes it even more frustrating. I'm just slipping back in to the pattern of not wanting to wake up in the morning and trying to avoid life.

I don't know why, I had such a good and productive weekend and now I'm slipping back in to bad patterns.
 
another possibility is taking on to much to early.. would it be beneficial for you to take a year off and relax a bit, get some chill job and focus on recovery.. allow full cognitive function to return and the emotional response including the stress response to return to normal?
 
I already did that when I was clean last year, the lack of direction or purpose was making me really unhappy. I ended up relapsing on a different drug quite badly, but then settled down a bit and decided I wanted to go back to school. It could be useful but I think the same thing would happen.

It's a bit late now anyway, I've rolled the dice already as it were. Up to me to make the best of things. Today is a new day with new opportunities anyway, time to crack on.:)
 
Cat, I know exactly what you mean by self loathing and self hatred. For me it ultimately boiled down to me having to much time on my hands and no motivation or direction.

I decided to take a job working construction, spending 2 weeks at a time out our town, working 10+ hours everyday with the same construction crew. Now I'm making good money and I certainly don't feel isolated anymore as I've bonded with the guys I work with. It also forces me up early everyday and by the end of the day I'm so worn out that i sleep 5 to 6 hours every night.

I'm not going to do this the rest of my life but right now working hard and enjoying the company of my band of misfits is exactly what I need to not feel miserable all the time.
 
Got off my arse and put positive action in today, as a result I feel much better. Need to work out what it is that's going on in my head that keeps on holding me back from putting the positive action in because I know I can do it. Maybe I'm just lazy...8(
 
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