need advice

[camjua]

So after a 5 month long drug binge I am finally ready to throw in the towel.... But sobriety is just awful for me now. I get super suicidal and depressed when I'm not high on something. Weed isn't enough anymore, when I just smoke I feel even more depressed and anxious than normal.

Some details. In the last 5 months I have decimated my life. I lost my job, live at home with my mom at 25 again.. And am currently flunking out of college.


This 5 month binge began after a year of complete sobriety from all drugs and alcohol. I even quit smoking cigarettes.

It started with alcohol, then kratom and alcohol... Then molly... Then cocaine.. And drinking every day... Then I got my hands on vyvanse and adderall... I was strung out on amphetamine for about a month.. Also drinking every day in excess... As well as taking cocaine and white trance combined while drinking on amps. When I ran out of amps I started smoking weed again. I then started smoking all day every day again as well as drinking daily. I then would have small binges in incrimates.. Of molly... Ambien.. Xanax... Other benzos... Blacking out for most of the days... Also taking opiates from kratom to oxymorphone. Then found out about propylhexedrine... Started doing that nearly daily with drinking.. Also taking ephedrine and molly... Sometimes cocaine. ..


Overall... I smoked weed daily... Took anywhere from 100-200mg hydroxyzine daily.. And drank daily.. Usually a 40 of alcohol a day sometimes less. The other drugs all were off and on depending on if I could get them. I over the last few weeks have been feeling worse and worse mentally and after a few heavy Molly binges and seeing shit (having the most intense hallucinations of my life) usually from taking propylhexedrine with molly then smoking weed on comedown... Now i even sober see small hallucinations... Like water streams instead of cracks in walls... Or things moving...

I then went on a week long xanax and ativan binge... Along with morphine, dxm and propylhexedrine... On the daily ..

Now I have no benzos left... I took easily over 40mg of ativan in 5 days...along with about 15mg of xanax.. And 8 benzedrex enhalers... I knew I needed to stop because at this point I am so depressed I could shoot myself... And still see small hallucinations... I've also started stealing and ovrrdrafting my accounts and crossing my credit limit.

Where do I even go from here? The last 5 months have been a clusterfuck of different drugs taken in excess on a daily basis.

I have a little weed left but I feel the urge to drink constantly because of this missing empty feeling... An uneasy feeling I have constantly. I even stupidly while blacked out a few nights ago on a combo of weed, xanax, morphine and alcohol smoked a cigarette and am now addicted to cigarettes again after nearly 2 years.... Fucking sucks I don't even remember smoking... But my mind tormented me till I bought a pack.

What are your guys' thoughts. I expect a lot of your a dumbasses... Or that I need rehab but honestly I've been in and out of therapy for years... And have taken every psych med in the book... And it hasn't helped much. I should add I have borderline personality disorder. So guys... On a scale from one to an altar boy, how fucked am I?

 

[bcfly7x7]

Camjua,

First, I don't think you're going to find many, if anyone that thinks your a dumbass here. In one way or another we have all been there. To answer your question, how fucked are you, 3-4. Why so low? Well a major part of recovery is admitting you need help and reaching out for help. Now that you have, I know you have been in and out of rehab, but I would try a different one. It's nearly impossible to do on your own.

As for the weed, you need to.quit that as well, its not helping. If you're going to get clean, that means everything. If you don't want to do rehab, then maybe rapid detox, it's very expensive but you're done in 3 days.

With that being said I really thing because of the mental issues, you need to have a real detox/rehab. You need to have someone that can be there to help you out for an extended period of time. Again, this is my opinion, but to me it sounds like you have tried almost everything else. Maybe try to get on subutex to help with the opiates.

Stay strong, it'll only get better as time goes on.

Bob

 

[Allein]

Your 'as fucked' as you choose to be IMO.

There isnt anyway to give you really specific advice about your individual situation particularly when you clearly have some mental health issues going on.

But if you listed out that menu of drug use anyone with any kind of knowledge of such things would list possible adverse affects as including, depression, anxiety, residual hallucinations ........sound familiar ?

You'll never make any headway in resolving your health and circumstance issues whilst your throwing anything that comes to hand down your throat. The type of drug use your describing sounds almost entirely destructive, it doesn't appear that you have a specific 'habit' and whilst the prospect of quitting this behaviour might not seem attractive now the alternative is likely to be a great deal worse.

Try to make a commitment to take a break from these drugs even of its only for a month, get some distance between you and the mess your head is in right now, then you might be able to gain some clarity on what you need to do to make longer term improvements.

Keep us updated here, if that helps....good luck

 

[fizzymk]

Im in a similar situation right now too, short story, was prescribed methadone from my pain mgt doctor for over the past 8 yrs, NOT ONE month in all those years did I take the done as prescribed, i would blow thru my script in about 3 weeks and have to w/d on average about 6-10 days EVERY month, a couple yrs ago though I met a heroin connection and I then started supplementing H for the times I was out of methadone.

However last month, I was drug tested at pain mgt and they found morphine, (from heroin) and was discharged, then told me to ween off the methadone over a period of 3 weeks, but when they told me this I was already down to 10 pills left, so I had to taper down very quickly, went from taking about 50-60 mg a day down to taking 10-20mg a day, Right now I have not had ANY methadone for 2 weeks but have been blowing all my money on H, Ive spent about $800. this past week, this past saturday, I promised myself I would not cop anymore H until thursday this week when I get paid, but I woke up this morning feeling AWFUL, only splet for about 3 hrs last night, drug dreams, feeling like I was going to vomit most the time, bad headache, other bodily aches and pains too, It took most of what I had to just get out of bed and take a shower!

Eventually about 2pm today, I was getting very anxious and decided I could not wait 2 more days to get more H, so I really fucked up and called a good friend who i do some part time work for here and there and told her some bullshit story about my car needing a repair and I was short the money, so she lent me $300. which she is expecting me to pay back by this saturday...problem is, my paycheck wont be much at all, havent had the energy to work much. On top of that, I have a car insurance bill due next tuesday, car payment due on the following thursday, but I wont have the money for ANY of this, I have spent all the money I had for bills on dope!

Im not sure what Im going to do, I am feeling good now, but I know once this dope I got tonight is gone, I will be back to feeling awful again, plus with methadone, I know I have MONTHS to go, just to get the point of feeling decent...This is MUCH tougher than I thought it would be, it seems every dime I get, it all goes to dope, but today, I spent money I didnt even have to begin with, I cant imagine what I will be thinking in the next few days when this dope is gone, Ive never done anything illegal, like writing a bad check, in order to get drug money, but with the way Im feeling when Im not on dope, I fear will do something stupid.

I will be honest, I have been thinking suicide...I dont like saying this, but Im almost at the end of my rope, I have had a terrible time going thru the past week with the w/ds, then I start thinking these w/ds will likely last 2-3 months, that gets me very depressed and hopeless.

Suicide does frighten me, but months of w/ds seem worse, only thing really keeping myself from doing it right now, is I dont know what happens at death, and Ive had some people tell me when a person kills themself, the afterlife is NOT what they were expecting and MAY be worse than the w/ds Im going thru, this was from 2 people who had near death experiences and what they told me, sounded ALOT worse than going thru opiate w/ds!!!, but I dont know this is accurate, as no one has actually dies and came back and given a true account of what happens, I would not like to be homeless either.... I have dug such a deep hole with my addiction, something MAJOR is going to happen in the next few days, no other choice.

Im not sure if this helps you or not, but unfortunately, coming off very powerful drugs is something a person really wants to do in order to be successful, Myself, Im not sure I really want to come off, as I like the feeling, w/ds for me only happen because of my finances, not because I have a desire to stop...this is why I think I WILL NOT be successful.

Good luck though.

 

[camjua]

I really do feel like a drama queen since I'm not an opiate addict thank goodness... I just binge on them. Like 3 days ago I binged on morphine then the 2 days before that hydrocodone... But then nothing for like 2 weeks previous to that in the opiate department. I did once have to ween off klonopin which was a fucking nightmare... But I guess taking a months worth of ativan in 3 days wasn't the best idea.

Now I want to be sober again but I feel so damn miserable. Whenever I'd get sober in the past... Life was boring.. And unhappy. Always lonely... And my BPD ruined my relationship with my fiance which is why I relapsed about 5 months ago. She couldn't handle my mood swings and clingyness.

Doctors gave me every med in the book... None helped but benzos... But then I got addicted to kpins and by the time I realized I was addicted my psych doc cut me off to move me over to shitty ass hydroxyzine.

Today I plan on drinking and smoking weed to try to numb this pain.. But the worst part about life and why I am scared to go back to sobriety is because sober is was miserable most of the time.. Where as drugs... I'm happy sometimes.. Whether its false happiness or not at least its something. I used to be an anime nerd.. A gamer.. Very active...a pianist... An artist... Ever since drugs though... All of those things bore me and I've tried every hobby in the book. Nothing ever was enjoyable except drugs. And when sober... Sober friends bore me to death... While druggie friends are shitty and sketchy. So essentially I'm fucked to a life of miserable depression and finding no joy in anything... Or chasing highs and dealing with crippling lows. After over a year of sobriety.. My life still sucked...and no amount of dbt or therapy could help the fact that I hate myself. My bulimia even returned full force right after relapse.

 

[fizzymk]

^^^^ that is strange you can binge on those opiates and then take a break for a couple weeks, most people cannot keep that kind of control...hats off to you!!...This shows you have remarkable control.

I know exactly what you mean about interests though, before I started using regularly, I had alot of interests, mainly into custom cars, trucks, etc. rebuilding engines, designing custom interiors, doing fiberglass work to create some really sharp things...I used to spend alot of times on internet forums dedicated to this hobby, but all that came to a crashing halt once my drug use became a REAL addiction and a real problem, I still have the general interest, but I know where all money is going, so no extra to use on this hobby, and I cant even see myself doing this kind of work anymore without a drug in my system...seems like I need some kind of opiate to even remotely be interested in doing such things, my life is basically a boring nightmare, which includes trying to get as much money as I can daily so I can cop heroin...once I get the dope and use, I feel OK and actually feel like doing things I like, but as soon as the dope runs out, I m back to having ZERO interest in this hobby or anything really.

My point being, living life as an addict is not really living, just existing.

 

[camjua]

^^^^ that is strange you can binge on those opiates and then take a break for a couple weeks, most people cannot keep that kind of control...hats off to you!!...This shows you have remarkable control.

I know exactly what you mean about interests though, before I started using regularly, I had alot of interests, mainly into custom cars, trucks, etc. rebuilding engines, designing custom interiors, doing fiberglass work to create some really sharp things...I used to spend alot of times on internet forums dedicated to this hobby, but all that came to a crashing halt once my drug use became a REAL addiction and a real problem, I still have the general interest, but I know where all money is going, so no extra to use on this hobby, and I cant even see myself doing this kind of work anymore without a drug in my system...seems like I need some kind of opiate to even remotely be interested in doing such things, my life is basically a boring nightmare, which includes trying to get as much money as I can daily so I can cop heroin...once I get the dope and use, I feel OK and actually feel like doing things I like, but as soon as the dope runs out, I m back to having ZERO interest in this hobby or anything really.

My point being, living life as an addict is not really living, just existing.

My hobby that was the most important to me was animals. I loved aquariums ... I know everything practically about freshwater and saltwater aquariums... And reptiles... I sold all of my animals for drugs.

See... No no... I never had access to do opiates regularly. I would be an opiate addict if I could get them consistently. I'd get a hand full of norcos here... And a few morphine there... Kratom is all I to this day can get regularly because its legal. Trust me... If I could take opiates all day every day I would. They are just so fucking hard to find. I look for them constantly. All I can consistently get is weed and Molly. Weed is fucking stupid, I only do it because I'm miserable without it... But it doesn't fill any void.. So when high on weed I just seek other highs... And molly is too expensive and the crash isn't worth it... If I had it my way.. I'd live off amphetamines, opiates and benzos. My favorite drugs of all are benzos. I love feeling nothing... Just calmness. I don't need to be fucked up... I like to be.. Obviously Hahaha but I'd be content with just being on benzos 24/7 but I just ran out of xanax today and have no connection. Since I got my xanax by stealing them from someone I love.

The most fucked up part about it all.. Is my family took me back in after my breakup and I lost my apartment... And they have spent thousands of dollars .. No less than 200 a week... Giving me money for seeing my therapist... Going to groups... Medicine (after an attempted suicide on psych meds I had a heart attack) and I don't even take my heart meds or my prilosec.. And suffer agonizingly from gerd ... Because I spend all that money on drugs. I spend their hard earned money... That is supposed to be getting me better... On drugs. My mom gave me a hug yesterday and said how proud she was of me for sticking with all my groups and therapies... That she would pay any money in the world to see me get better and how proud she is that I'm off drugs for 2 years now (she still thinks I'm sober)... She cried and said how financially we are suffering a lot but that its worth it "to see her son get better and be happy" ... I walked out of the room and got in my car and cried my ass off. A 25 year old man. Deceiving and selfishly living such a disgusting lifestyle. I then immediately went out and took xanax, ativan and drank till I blacked out. My family would pay anything to see me better because my suicide attempt scared them so badly. And I use that love to buy drugs. I deserve to die. But I have to get better for her. If I get sober for good... Even with all their money I wasted... It would be okay because its what is most important to her.

Sorry for spilling my life here. I have no one really left that is willing to listen. Most of my friends are all addicts and fucked up like me... Or they've disowned me.

I had a rough childhood and ended up developing bpd through abuse and once introduced to drugs it triggered it. Before drugs I was a college bound kid. Straight A's ... Hell bent on being the first doctor in my family. Had lots of hobbies and loves... But I did cut and had major self esteem issues.. But once I got into drugs... That's when shit spiralled out of control.

My rock bottom was suicide. Then I survived... Got a decent job. Got sober... Found a girlfriend.. Got engaged... Lived a sober life... Of insecurity... And constant fear of being cheated on and abandoned.. You know
.. Typical BPD shit.. Then when I left her because ... After a long battle in and out of psych wards.. Lots of meds.. And lots of therapies.. I just couldn't stop being so insecure , jealous and controlling... So my fiance was miserable.. After one last attempt through an intensive outpatient dbt program... I did okay for a while.. Then I returned to being my old crazy self within a few months... She was unhappy all the time... So I made the ultimate sacrifice. She said she would never leave that she loved me too much to go... But I knew I made her miserable... She was always so unhappy. So I dumped her. It was the most selfless and painful personal experience I've yet to encounter. Even being a rape victim as a child. She thanked me later for letting her go and she found someone new now. But... When she left... I relapsed.. And here we are ... My life... Jesus Christ its like a depressing teen drama. Except I'm much worse of a person than any ficticious character I've seen... Who does this to their family? I'm a fucking monster.

Also I agree living as an addict is just existing and surviving... But in my experience once you've been a drug user... Even sober life becomes just pretending to enjoy life again to people around you.

 

[Hummer]

There is a saying, that a healthy body is a healthy mind. Try every time you get the urge to use, exersize. You may have to force yourself for starters, but it will get easier, I`m
lucky to have a treadmill. Yoga`s only cost is a book and a lot cheaper than rehab, hope this helps.

 

[edgewise1]

Don't be sorry about spilling your life here, because if you are going to spill it anywhere THIS is the place to do it! BL people know what you are going through because many of us have gone through something similar, and you will not be judged here.......well,for the most part that is. But you do not stop posting because one or two people get on your case.

My hobby is knife collecting and I still do it. I am a chronic pain patient and get my drugs the "right" way if there is such a thing as the right way! I'm still an addict any way you cut it and I thought about suicide several times as my only way out, especially when it cost me a 25 year marriage, more money than I wish to remember, and my health to a degree. But I didn't do it. Then one morning I woke up and had an epiphany, everything was going to be alright. Not saying that this will happen to you, but it could.

I won't pretend that I like sobriety because I don't, and that is just as plain and simple as I can see it!

The bottom line is to make a real decision to quit, it is made up in your mind that you want to stop. You can't do it because someone else wants you to quit, it has to be because YOU want to quit. Without that it will be useless, with it you stand a chance.

I realize this is easier said than done, and I did it for nearly a year before I decided that I could not live life sober. But thank God you are not me, and you have to decide for yourself what you want to do.

Good luck my friend! We will be pulling for you.

 

[camjua]

Thanks so much for the kind thoughts. I appreciate it so much. Just posting all that was like a big sigh of relief... Like I finally got that off my chest.

I am surprised to not be getting told how selfish and childish I am. And how stupid I am to mix what I did...

Dumbest combo I ever did was about a week ago. With no tolerance to any of these drugs keep in mind... I took... 50 mg ephedrine, 500mg of Molly(which means god knows what), 2 benzedrex inhalers... 3/4ths a bottle of red wine, like 4 average bowls of weed and 4mg lorazepam and I ended up spending half the day feeling like I was on top of the world...then the other half was hallucinating so hard I was watching cartoons on walls... Hearing shit.. Having entire conversations with people that weren't there... I then ended up taking 200mg seroquel... And passed the fuck out... Keep in mind at that point I'm pretty sure I was nearly breaking my teeth from clenching so hard.

^^reason I say that story is not to brag or seem crazy... Its to paint a picture of how genuinely wreckless I have become with my drug use.

 

[camjua]

UPDATE: So last night I drank a 40... and smoked a bunch of weed... took 50 mg of ephedrine and omg the ephedrine helped sooooooo much.... till 4 AM when I started feeling like my heart was gonna explode and felt super anxious..

Though that wasn't the worst part. The worst was I woke up at 5:30 AM to a close friend of mine searching my pockets... I pretended to be asleep... then I heard him unzipping my backpack and I moved my leg and pretended to just be waking up... I stood up and looked down and my backpack was open.. and my wallet was out on the floor. I asked him why the fuck my shit was open... and he claimed he had no idea. I then after smoking a cigarette confronted him and told him I felt him feeling my pockets and I saw him messing around in my backpack... it was super fucking shitty...

He was one of my closest friends. We are still "cool" but I feel like a fucking hypocrite to judge him for attempting to steal from me... yet a week before I stole xanax and morphine from my grandmother... I'm so ashamed. I am trying to stay sober today... I've only smoked a little weed and smoked a few cigarettes... my father called me out on my car smelling like weed...so I came clean. He was surprisingly unfazed. He just said I shouldn't smoke pot lol. If only he knew of the myriad of other drugs I've been strung out on.

How embarrassing though.. a grown ass man having to explain to his parent why his car smells like weed lol... it's so pathetic it's almost breathtaking.

What I really want to know.. is how long after being sober do drugs and alcohol truly lose their appeal and you begin to enjoy sober life again? I can't enjoy a fucking thing in this world.. not even animals... or hobbies I used to love even slightly amuse me anymore. How long after quitting drugs on average usually does it take before the anhedonia subsides? I've been using drugs and alcohol off and on for about 8 years now. Longest sobriety was 1 year from alcohol... about 1 1/2 years drugs besides nicotine, caffeine and other non recreational drugs.

 

[WatchaKnow702]

I would like to know that too?! I been on and off drugs for about 7 years. I have done almost everything in the book.
Its easy for me to get sober but staying sober is the hard part. Everything seems boring if I'm not high.
I lost my job, house, friends, and even a girl I truly loved(took her leaving me to realize how much I loved her) We still talk and see each other on occasion but she isn't going to wait forever for me to get my shit straight.

I just want to be done with "Drugs"!

I'm sick and tired of all the Bullshit drugs have cost me. I want to get my life straight and prove to everyone(specially my Ex) that I can be sober and not have to lie all the time to try and cover up my drug use.

Drugs bring out the evil in people it seems.

 

[camjua]

God I wish I even had the option to get my ex back. She has a new boyfriend... So I fucked that up. :/

 

[bcfly7x7]

I would like to know that too?! I been on and off drugs for about 7 years. I have done almost everything in the book.
Its easy for me to get sober but staying sober is the hard part. Everything seems boring if I'm not high.
I lost my job, house, friends, and even a girl I truly loved(took her leaving me to realize how much I loved her) We still talk and see each other on occasion but she isn't going to wait forever for me to get my shit straight.

I just want to be done with "Drugs"!

I'm sick and tired of all the Bullshit drugs have cost me. I want to get my life straight and prove to everyone(specially my Ex) that I can be sober and not have to lie all the time to try and cover up my drug use.

Drugs bring out the evil in people it seems.

Canjua and watcha,

This is nearly an impossible question to answer, but I'm going to try so indulge me. So I'm not sure of your ages, but the decision making part of the brain isn't fully developed until about 25. Thus making you more susceptible to make bad choices and also using skews the brains thought process. After that part of the brain is fully developed, you're better equipped to make good decisions and hopefully cravings reduce. Why do we fuck up so much between 13-23, this is the primary reason.

However as addicts we are different, so we need to do our best once sober to find something to fill that void left by drugs and alcohol. For me, my passion is golf and skiing, I'm 36 btw, these things along with success in life and love fill that void for me.

With that being said, it's a process, it takes time. As addicts we are looking for instant pleasure. You need to remove that stigma from your mind. Accept it takes time, ever hear the saying, "anything good is worth waiting for", it's very true. If we are being honest here, and lets be, the reason we use primarily is to escape or numb us from something in the world or our lives that seems uncontrollable. Sure the high is nice, but it isn't permanent. So what do we do, we take the easy way out. Life sober isn't horrible, you just think so because you're to afraid to live the rest of your life without a fix. The world is amazing, but if you continue to hide from it and not embrace it, you'll never find life fulfilling. Trust me, life as a fucking zombie is far worse than what life deals out sober. So, to me it's about replacing physically and mentally the idea of life sucks unless im high, with finding those passions in our life. So do me a favor, grab your sack, buck up and give it an honest shot. Remove the negativity and replace is with positive morals, values, respect and health.

My best to both of you,

Bob

 

[camjua]

Canjua and watcha,

This is nearly an impossible question to answer, but I'm going to try so indulge me. So I'm not sure of your ages, but the decision making part of the brain isn't fully developed until about 25. Thus making you more susceptible to make bad choices and also using skews the brains thought process. After that part of the brain is fully developed, you're better equipped to make good decisions and hopefully cravings reduce. Why do we fuck up so much between 13-23, this is the primary reason.

However as addicts we are different, so we need to do our best once sober to find something to fill that void left by drugs and alcohol. For me, my passion is golf and skiing, I'm 36 btw, these things along with success in life and love fill that void for me.

With that being said, it's a process, it takes time. As addicts we are looking for instant pleasure. You need to remove that stigma from your mind. Accept it takes time, ever hear the saying, "anything good is worth waiting for", it's very true. If we are being honest here, and lets be, the reason we use primarily is to escape or numb us from something in the world or our lives that seems uncontrollable. Sure the high is nice, but it isn't permanent. So what do we do, we take the easy way out. Life sober isn't horrible, you just think so because you're to afraid to live the rest of your life without a fix. The world is amazing, but if you continue to hide from it and not embrace it, you'll never find life fulfilling. Trust me, life as a fucking zombie is far worse than what life deals out sober. So, to me it's about replacing physically and mentally the idea of life sucks unless im high, with finding those passions in our life. So do me a favor, grab your sack, buck up and give it an honest shot. Remove the negativity and replace is with positive morals, values, respect and health.

My best to both of you,

Bob

Problem with this argument is I went over a year without alcohol and almost 2 without drugs... I got a decent job, apartment, girlfriend etc. That void was never filled and in that year I tried a lot of different hobbies... Old and new hobbies... And I found nothing enjoyable. Its not about "manning up", what's the point of life.. If you find nothing enjoyable? I find sex, drugs and alcohol enjoyable. I don't even enjoy music anymore. When I get in my car, I usually forget to even put on music. I used to go to concerts, shows, raves... And am a pianist. I used to love music. It was my life. Now, not even music is enjoyable. All I enjoy is being high and when I quit... I don't even miss drugs... I actually really don't like the crashes, anxiety and side effects most drugs have on me. I also don't like people who use drugs heavily usually because I find them boring and sketchy... Its just that once I got into drugs... All... Not some... All my previous hobbies and interests... Became boring ... Even depressing or frustrating..

I am horrendously envious of even all of my drug using friends because even the heaviest addicts I know.. Still have interests and hobbies... Like my best friend is as risky of a drug user as I am... Yet he loves playing the guitar.. I just want to enjoy sober things again. That's all. I don't miss drugs.. Nor do I miss the drug lifestyle... I don't miss the people.. And I don't miss even feeling high once I quit.. It is just that life is not enjoyable almost at all when I'm sober while as at least being high on certain drugs makes me feel some sort of enjoyment and even old hobbies or new ones I can actually enjoy once high. But even after a year of sobriety I couldn't face life anymore not enjoying anything. No hobbies... Resulted in me over eating.. And developing an addiction to my relationship. I attempted mountains of therapy to learn to enjoy hobbies again... And I couldn't do it. I'd find myself trying something or doing an old hobby I thought I'd find fun... And get bored.. Depressed or agitated within 10 minutes. Even mundane tasks seemed unbearable.

Another issue is my constant envy of life before drugs. In high school I was very happy.. Friendly.. Positive.. And had lots of friends. I was thin.. Driven.. Attractive and people constantly commented on my passion. I loved animals, music, politics, writing, art, video games, anime, manga, was learning Japanese and got straight A's. I was in debate clubs, anime clubs.. Played dance dance revolution competitively.. Had scholarships.. Went to social gatherings and was constantly invited to events.. Went to protests and walked for causes etc. I was an extremely active teenager.

Now? I'm overweight.. A binge eater.. An alcoholic.. Drug addict..smoker.. Extremely negative and flunking out of college for the 3rd time. I have only about 5 friends.. I am passionless.. And even walking up stairs is a task.. I don't even sometimes go to the bathroom and will hold it because I'm too lazy to walk across the hall. You can imagine how distressing this is for me after how I used to be. Drugs stripped away who I was and replaced me with a complete opposite version of my old self. I wish I could go back and have never tried pot.. And never started that spiral down. It took me about 2 or 3 years of heavy use before I developed anxiety.. Which then resulted in the true loss of the entirety of my old character. Before drugs I had no concept of what anxiety or depression even were. Now? I'm an anxious depressed mess.

I apologize for the depressing whiny long essay but I feel it necessary to paint a picture of why my distress is to the extent it is and why I often contemplate suicide as my inevitable end... Since if I hadn't gotten into drugs at this point I'd most likely be nearly a doctor... Have kids and a life... Then again.. Its possible if I never got into drugs I would have been hit by a bus at 20. Who knows.

 

[partydisklasersex]

Ha in my book, you're pretty normal. Just take it easy, it sounds like you know how to calm it down, but you just don't want to.

 

[camjua]

Ha in my book, you're pretty normal. Just take it easy, it sounds like you know how to calm it down, but you just don't want to.

Haha I hope this isn't normal! But I do want to tone it down I really do. I've been cutting down a lot. This is day 2 of no drugs other than one bowl of weed smoked between me and my friend this morning. Its just hard. Especially with propylhexedrine at every CVS and target. That shit is fantastic I don't care what anyone says. One of my favorite stimulants.. And as cheap as it is it's difficult to ignore.

 

[Bebenear]

I wish I could still smoke weed. I loved that earthy relaxation it gave me. Especially when sitting outside on crisp day.


Too bad I started getting paranoid on it. Honestly I'd be set for life if I could still use that.

 

[camjua]

I wish I could still smoke weed. I loved that earthy relaxation it gave me. Especially when sitting outside on crisp day.


Too bad I started getting paranoid on it. Honestly I'd be set for life if I could still use that.

I thought the same... But its not true. Weed sucks. It really does. The euphoria is mediocre at best... It makes you look and act stupid.. The high is not impressive or interesting.. And it makes your anxiety and paranoia worse. Even if it makes your anxiety better when you're high, your anxiety when sober will usually be worse. Plus it's addictive as all hell. Like you said, any drug that makes you want to use it for ever... Is probably not the best drug to be fucking with. Almost all of my stoner friends, their lives have been crippled by their use of pot. Spending thousands of dollars on it... And not one is motivated and working a decent job. Its a drug like any other, and you're infinitely better off without it. I used to miss it too... Now that I started smoking again... And it no longer gives me panic attacks.. I've already spent at least a thousand dollars on it... In the past 4 or 5 months. And I already have a noticably worse memory... Am more paranoid... And I feel like I have to smoke to function... But it doesn't even fill the void. Think of it as smoking cigarettes. I smoke weed, just to no longer feel agitated.. Then I am on to looking for a better high because it doesn't even do much. The "high" from weed is my sober.

Of course, this is all just my opinion. But I wish I hadn't gotten back into it. I didn't miss it when I had to quit because it caused me panic attacks... And now it just reinforced that. Plus the fact it has a stupid culture around it, a shit ton of ignorance around it (it cures cancer, foot fungus and can make you fly) make it that much less tolerable to me. For god sakes... The high is mediocre at best yet its promoted by stoners as safe, harmless and not addictive... Plus the best "herb" ever because remember kids, its not a drug. ~.~ so annoying.... Especially when my one friend claims he can quit whenever he wants and its not addictive... Yet I caught him red handed trying to steal from me... Because he wanted to get high so he claims... Plus watching stoners desperately scrape pipes, pick through the carpet for stems and bitch and whine about needing a bowl is quite the interesting phenomena. I just want to know why pot got such a privileged reputation compared to other drugs... Many others being less addictive, having better highs and being all around better in my opinion...

~end of rant

 

[Hummer]

As you probably know there is a mental addiction and a physical addiction, have never had a physical addiction to weed, can`t say I have not with other drugs.
Am 54 years of age, had a major stroke about 9 years ago and found out afterwards, that stress and lifestyle had a lot to do with it. Stroke, I do not wish on anybody,
but it does happen.