I haven't been by in a while...been super busy..kinda.
Slipped up 3 weekends in May, and I convinced myself, "there's no point in being sick.." That just meant I wanted to keep getting high.lol. I am about to jump off of subutex... We have 4mg left, so unless some falls out of the sky, that's it. The girl we're getting it from....yeah, long story. Suffice to say, she lives right by us. Cops are just sitting out at the end of our street, across from hers, just to make an obvious presence.. basically telling her... "da fuck?!? are you serious?" Stupid, stupid.
But yeah, other than that, everything has been good. I guess I kinda am the motivator for my family to work, so if I don't work, they don't do anything...and I don't get any jobs for us, yet..so bad. Bossman couldn't afford to pay me if I passed my test, so he didn't let me take it this month, without telling me..but whatever..If I don't pass it in January, I should stop working in this field.
Music is picking up...haven't bothered doing any real recordings...just record with my phone. Just jamming with people lately...good enough for me to do this I think...my girl has been getting a lot better on drums, but she always throws down on synth.. I actually screwed up the last thing I posted...recorded the loop before that moment...so it didn't flow at all.lol..kinda had to change tempo right there..but my friend Ricky and I are working on something...he's a bad ass bass player..so good at controlling and following..
www.soundcloud.com/suspect-k
My daughter, who is about 13.5 months old has been getting down on some jam sessions since her first birthday.. as soon as we moved out, she started walking, and stopped crawling completely...then, on her 1st birthday, it was like everything changed, and she was part of Earth's civilization..if you get me..she is involved in EVERYTHING...she really wants to play my stringed instruments, but far too cumbersome for her. She's definitely got my family "chaotic engineer" and athletic gene..and I can already see a mirror into where my addictions first started.lol.. Hopefully with alcoholic(I never drank/drinks) parents we can raise a child aware of the dangers of the world, and maybe extinguish some of the curiosity elements about using...cuz that's the main reason I did everything..curiosity..only a few things I fancied. I need to figure out a good balance...to give proper awareness, and not be manipulative...as little as possible at least..
She was my first inspiration, but I decided I would get sober for her, not me, before I knew her... I don't know why, but I had to do that in May, because I know for sure it would've happened sooner or later- I was a very "dry drunk." I should have allowed for medical assistance while at detox almost 2 years ago...but oh well..all I can do is taper as much as possible, and at least I won't be trapped in an old children's polio hospital for a month kicking buprenorphine this time... I hated just about every moment of it... and it was a little different each time.. I don't know what it was the first time, but it was very reminiscent of something psychedelic..
but yeah... Every day is going to be day 1 for me, for now on..regardless how long I abstain.. I was so proud of my 17/18months for my parents/and others....not for myself.. I'm proud to be very joyous today, and also glad to be surrounded by great friends and family..today, I will engage with, and make everyone I am around smile as much as possible..and I'm going to sign up for winter classes...sticky note for that one!
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