Octsober, The october 14 gettn and stayn sober thread

[BlueSaffron]

Sometimes I can't imagine coping with sobriety either. But the alternative is even worse, so I keep trying.

 

[Get2Think]

I've made some desperate attempts at survival this month such as finally getting on the methadone program and filing for unemployment. I was set to loose everything and had nowhere to go so I was planning on ending up at salvation army or teen challenge or something. But being able to get Methadone for free with my medical insurance should allow me the financial stability to barely survive. My credit score will still suffer and there are gonna be bills I simply cannot pay. But Im hoping as I get more strength and more distance from the dope, I can really engage in working hard at one or 2 part time jobs.

Since being on methadone I've been drinking more alcohol than usual. I could tell I was replacing one drug (heroin) for another (alcohol). But last night after drinking 2 bottles of wine and then impulsively engaging in very risky behavior I woke up this morning with all my money gone, and extremely grateful to not be dead or locked up. It made me re-think this whole alcohol thing, because even though it's a pretty inexpensve habit, it still is an everyday thing and it just isn't healthy nor how I want to live. Just because im on Methadone doesnt mean I should just stop going to AA meetings or caring about recovery. I want to get back into weight lifting, reading my daily devotionals, my church, AA/NA meetings, and working. That is what methadone should support me in doing, not drinking during the day everyday pretending likr i dont mind being broke as hell.

 

[straightrazor]

Since being on methadone I've been drinking more alcohol than usual. I could tell I was replacing one drug (heroin) for another (alcohol). But last night after drinking 2 bottles of wine and then impulsively engaging in very risky behavior I woke up this morning with all my money gone, and extremely grateful to not be dead or locked up. It made me re-think this whole alcohol thing, because even though it's a pretty inexpensve habit, it still is an everyday thing and it just isn't healthy nor how I want to live. Just because im on Methadone doesnt mean I should just stop going to AA meetings or caring about recovery. I want to get back into weight lifting, reading my daily devotionals, my church, AA/NA meetings, and working. That is what methadone should support me in doing, not drinking during the day everyday pretending likr i dont mind being broke as hell.

Did you drink much when you were on heroin? If you are determined to stay on methadone you might want to consider upping your dose to the point where it covers your cravings. If you are on an adequate methadone dose you shouldn't really be craving alcohol the methadone should cover it. It kind of defeats the purpose of getting on methadone at all if you aren't on it to the point where it actually covers your cravings for other intoxicants. Just my $.02

Good luck on establishing some form of normalcy in your life. I definitely don't think you should stop working on AA/recovery stuff simply because you are on methadone, the whole point of the drug is to use it as a crutch to recovery not a band-aid to addiction

 

[Get2Think]

Thanks for the input. I've only been on Methadone for a few days on a fairly low starting dose of 40ml. And unfortunitly I've been using H on top of it, although not as much as I was before the done. I know for a fact the alcohol makes me fiend for the H so I need to just let everything but the done fall to the wayside.

 

[wanting]

Last night I dreamt that I was looking for something in a desk drawer and found a couple hydrocodone pills. In my dream, I had no reaction and just shut the drawer and walked away. I'm taking that as a good sign--58 days off pills for me today.

 

[njirem]

i think that is a good sign
when your subconscious is walking away from the drugs you are on the right track i suppose.
The 58 days alone are a statement to yourself that you have the strenght.

The last deeam of drugs i had was taking drugs against my will, had a bad feeling about it, didnt want to do. Panicked when it started to work and then i woke up.
I was so relieved to be awake and not high...felt very good

 

[phactor]

Just went to the gym and lifted for the first time since getting clean and HOLY SHIT DO I FEEL GOOD! Haven't had this good of an endorphin rush in a long time.

Every time I get clean I get pretty big but lose lots (not all) of it when I use. This time its not going to happen because well... using is something I do not do anymore.

5 months clean and serene for me tomorrow!

 

[wanting]

i think that is a good sign
when your subconscious is walking away from the drugs you are on the right track i suppose.
The 58 days alone are a statement to yourself that you have the strenght.

The last deeam of drugs i had was taking drugs against my will, had a bad feeling about it, didnt want to do. Panicked when it started to work and then i woke up.
I was so relieved to be awake and not high...felt very good

Thanks, njirem! When I woke up, I felt like the dream meant something. Just a few weeks before, I was ripping my house apart looking for pills that might have fallen under a chair, or for places where I used to hide them. If I had found them then, I would have happily blown 30+ days of sobriety. To know that my subconscious is letting go made my conscious mind feel more at peace. I think I'm at the place where I can say that I'm definitely going to make it.

 

[njirem]

true that!
Being addicted and all the stress that comes along with it is pretty traumatic, people tend to forget about that sometimes.
Once sober, you dont need to only heal your body and life, but your brain and spirit too.
There will be other nights when you might have nightmares about using, be prepared for them, they're just nightmares, thats how you have to look at it.
Like craving is just craving, and bad days are just bad days.
Dont think 'i can't', think 'i can'.
How the brain functions is that it picks up on how you deal with emotions and adapts to that, they actually transform to how you deal with situations and feelings.
The longer you think 'i can be sober, i am sober, i stay sober', your brain will grow to a brain that needs sobriety, it will lay new pipelines through your body and will send the need for sobriety to all your bodycells.
If you just push through, keep on pushing, no matter how hard life may get in the future, if you do, being sober is going to be the only choise you have because your brain says so.
It will happend, and i think that you are definetely on the right track, with dreams like that and positive vibe in your message.

So start today, no more

I think I'm at the place where I can say that I'm definitely going to make it.

but

IM KNOW IM AT THE PLACE WHERE I CAN SAY THAT IM DEFINITELY GOING TO MAKE IT!!!!!

 

[wanting]

Fantastic advice, njirem! I have noticed my stress-thoughts turning to pills, and it makes me feel sorry for myself. I'm stopping that right now. Pills were the worst decision I ever made. Quitting them is the best. I'm going to make it...I AM making it through every day. My future is my own. it doesn't belong to the pills.

 

[njirem]

now thats the spirit

 

[phactor]

Just got back from the gym, shit is going so well now in my life its almost unreal. I am not letting my guard down or anything like that, I am still working a program, going to meetings, the steps etc but this time feels really real. I am happier today at 5 months and a day then I ever was when I had been clean previously (and I have had years clean before). I am so much braver, willing to take risks, easier to get along with, more pleasant then I ever have been before.

I am just really happy and grateful and I can tell that is attracting people to me. Its a great feeling and I am still learning how to harness it.

Like I said, I always thought I was really shy and quiet, people have always told me that. However, it turns out that it was mainly the guilt, shame and drugs that were keeping me from being myself. I have a ton to learn still, but I finally feel like I am "getting it". Took me 31 years, but shit is starting to connect for me.

Not sure what it is, but I have to think a lot of it is commitment, acceptance and putting the fucking work in that I need to in order to stay clean. It isn't always easy, but its a hell of a lot easier then using.

So grateful for everyone in my life, including all of you on this thread and forum. I really cannot do it without you guys!

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Still working towards that first clean day, been about nine months of trying now. It's really starting to drag.

Wish I was in a situation where I could just stop dead and cluck it out but that's not really possible.

 

[njirem]

Just got back from the gym, shit is going so well now in my life its almost unreal. I am not letting my guard down or anything like that, I am still working a program, going to meetings, the steps etc but this time feels really real. I am happier today at 5 months and a day then I ever was when I had been clean previously (and I have had years clean before). I am so much braver, willing to take risks, easier to get along with, more pleasant then I ever have been before.

I am just really happy and grateful and I can tell that is attracting people to me. Its a great feeling and I am still learning how to harness it.

Like I said, I always thought I was really shy and quiet, people have always told me that. However, it turns out that it was mainly the guilt, shame and drugs that were keeping me from being myself. I have a ton to learn still, but I finally feel like I am "getting it". Took me 31 years, but shit is starting to connect for me.

Not sure what it is, but I have to think a lot of it is commitment, acceptance and putting the fucking work in that I need to in order to stay clean. It isn't always easy, but its a hell of a lot easier then using.

So grateful for everyone in my life, including all of you on this thread and forum. I really cannot do it without you guys!

I hear you, im in the exact same place.

Like all the pieces of of the puzzle finally fall into place, like the journey is over and destination is reaced.
As if the weights is lifted of my shoulder and the walls around me that kept me from reaching out to Life is broken down at last.

To me, personally, it feels like enlightment, in a spiritual way, as if im a grown up now instead of a kid.

Like im born again and now for real.

I am not going back, i know that for shure, i just know it and i feel it, i dont need to fight anymore, the battle is over and i won.

Had to endure so many countless days and night of misery, its like there is just nothing left, no more horror in store, its sold out, case closed.

I feel strong, wise, smart...happy emphatic and open to the world.

We should be glad we went through all this, it really made us stronger, what can hit us now?
Death? Disease? Insanity? Pain? Misery?
hahaha ive been there, and im back, bring it on sucker ill beat your ass

congratz to you!

 

[Just A Guy]

It's good to read such elated, confident, and motivated posts.

For me, however, pride comes before the fall. lol

There's a sweet spot between hubris and humility (got that line from the title of an essay I read once) that, once I've found it, gives me the clarity to recognize the threats and the wisdom of how to overcome them.

 

[phactor]

For me, however, pride comes before the fall. lol

There's a sweet spot between hubris and humility (got that line from the title of an essay I read once) that, once I've found it, gives me the clarity to recognize the threats and the wisdom of how to overcome them.

It very much has in my past experiences as well. And of course I had a God awful day yesterday so shit is very much not perfect lol. Didn't use over it but I did have a slight "poor me, why can't I drink a beer like other people wahh" moment though.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Personally, I don't know sweet fuck all except I'm going to do my best to move towards where I want to be in life. As long as I'm doing that I can hold my head high.

 

[wanting]

It's good to read such elated, confident, and motivated posts.

For me, however, pride comes before the fall. lol

There's a sweet spot between hubris and humility (got that line from the title of an essay I read once) that, once I've found it, gives me the clarity to recognize the threats and the wisdom of how to overcome them.

I can't speak for anyone else here, but I've been engaging in negative self-talk for so long that I need something to counteract that. We have only each other and ourselves to climb up out of depression/self-loathing/pessimism. I've had too much of that. I welcome the cheerleading. njirem's words hit home with me, and I've been consciously working to not let the "user" voice drown out the more positive voice. If that means the positive voice has to become a little loud, well, that works for me. I don't think of this as hubris, but rather an attempt to finally put optimism into the equation.

 

[wanting]

When I was in the worst part of my withdrawals in August, I spent my days (and all my strength) planning for a short vacation with my family. My stepdad is 91 and in end-stage Parkinson's. He probably won't see another summer. My mom turns 80 this year. I planned the get-away so that I would celebrate 60 days sober during the trip. I figured that I would feel mostly better by then, and I wanted to spend time with my family with a clear head (versus taking extra pills to deal with them). Got back yesterday. It was amazing. I found that I could enjoy my family without pills, and while I still am dealing with PAWS, they were less noticeable without all my usual triggers around. I feel relaxed and better than I have in YEARS. Better than when I had plenty of pills. Better with FEELINGS than numbed-out and foggy. It feels like someone pressed a reset button in my head. I'm starting to feel like the person I was before I started taking pills...and that's a good thing. Thanks to all the people here who helped me make it through!

 

[straightrazor]

I think it is 7 weeks off benzos now and close to 5 weeks off of opiates. I still haven't been able to quit smoking weed but I've cut it down a good bit, for whatever reason I still feel the need for that crutch.