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6 weeks clean!

K

kiitah

Greenlighter
Joined
Sep 29, 2014
Messages
14
Hello everyone,

My name is Kit and I'm a 33 year old woman who lives in Phoenix. I'm almost 6 weeks off percosets, from a 3 year daily habit. Frankly it's been pure hell. I was an addict in silence- no one, NO ONE knew I did them. I did them for fun, not for physical pain. Nothing happened that forced me to quit other than it was an expenisve habit and I wanted to be free of them. So far I'm proud that I quit but life is really fucking hell sometimes. I still don't sleep well and sometimes jump out of bed because my legs STILL cramp up at night. I'm married and my husband had no clue about my 30 mg a day habit, but he does know that my legs are keeping me awake. I feel horrible for not sharing this with him (he does no drugs, never has) but I just want to get over it and put it behind me. I've no excuse for doign them other than it was fun. My life is actually pretty good, which is all the more reason to want to quit and "be normal". I don't drink often, don't smoke (anything), but I've had a rich and varied drug history in my life. I've done every drug there is, but was only ever addicted to weed, which I quit 8 years ago. I was clean for about 5 years... and I'm just trying to get to a point where life is fun again sober. Will that ever happen?!

I've found a lot of solace here, just as a lurker, but I'm here to make it official and say hello. I figure I'd do myself a favor to have some friends in recovery because not a soul in the world (except my ex dealer) knows what I am going through. It's a hard burden to bear all alone. So... hi. :)
 
Hello, welcome to Bluelight.

I'm moving this to Sober Living so you can get some help

Good luck with your recovery :)
 
Good work! Keep it up. What are your plans to stay clean now?
 
Hey kiitah,

Congrats on moving on. Today is day 26 for me, I know the leg pain your going through and the restless nights. I think you're probably close to being done with PAWS, im not minimizing your addiction, but 30mg of Percocet is a drop in the bucket. Be thankful thats where it ended for you, I probably have another 11 months before my body evens out. Maybe goto a dr and ask for chlorzoxazone, this will help with the leg issues and its non addictive. Just be honest with the dr why you need it. It has helped me during this time. Again welcome to bluelight, we are here to support and listen. Take our guidance with a gain of salt, not everyone has the same problem, but we unite in one thing, the desire to live a clean and sober life.

Welcome,

Bob
 
Hey kiitah and welcome to BL=D Congratulations on getting and staying clean!!

Here is some good information on PAWS and addiction. PAWS can last for awhile, but most people are out in less than eight months. Have you just considered telling your partner, Guilt and shame are some of the biggest weapons addiction has. They can prevent us from getting suport, drive use, and make us feal miserable. You may want to look into ways that you could forgive yourself:)

 
Great job!!!

I am acutally exactly 6 weeks sober today too!
Am addicted to alcohol, medication (pregabalin) marijuana and amphetamines, i feel so enlighted not to worry all the time about my next fix and being so goddamn sick all the time.

You should focus on everything that working for you now and accept there are still some ups and downs, but who hasnt?

This will go away eventually if you just push through it and believe in yourself.

Maybe, just maybe, its about time to tell your husband? It would make you feel better, no more lies (addicts lie, to theirselfs and their environment, when you stop lieing and start to be honoust it lifts a lotta weights of your shoulder and it actually is an important step forwards in the whole process)

and i agree, talk to a doctor at least, he wont tell anyone and youll get some real support.

Good luck and stay strong you cvan do it!
 
Thank you everyone. Eight months to be fully free of the demons? Wow. Ok, I'll prepare for the journey, not a race.
Yeah, I know that 30 mg a day isn't bad by most addicts standards. I certainly wanted more, but I only allowed myself to do it at a certain time of the day (kind of like the alcoholic who waits until after 5pm) so frankly, while the desire was there to do way more, I just didn't give in- most of the time. I had a good handle on keeping my addiction within certain limits. I had to. I worked full time and was in college full time. I actually felt like drugs helped me focus and contributed to my 3.89 final GPA. How shocking it must be to others who have no idea that someone can be on drugs and not visibly falling apart at the seams.
As far as telling my husband... I just can't. I don't want to. I feel like, why, it is like telling your spouse of an affair ten years later after you stopped and after the person is dead, to boot. It will just cause harm to him. Cause him to mistrust me. Cause him to see my differently. It will irretrievably break something in us, something that won't ever be fixed again, not fully. Once that conversation is opened, it's bound to change us in a way that the payoff isn't worth it to me. I'm just not willing to go there. My way of coping with going through the trials of sobriety may not be the "right way" but it's how I'm going to do it. I don't feel like I need more, really. If my physical symptoms would get better, I honestly think I'm doing ok on the mental aspects of living sober. I am not fond of other drugs, so I've only one demon to slay, and keep slain. I hope this isn't coming off as a brush off... I am sincerely thankful to be able to share this with people who understand (that's another thing, my husband has never done a drug in his life, he just doesn't GET the desire to feel high or altered, we've talked plenty about my colorful youth). I've just come to a point where *thinking about* recovery is a small part of my focus in my life. I'm really ready to just be done with it and find the joy in life without the aid of something making it better.

Tonight while walking my dog, I went to the playground and spent a good 20 minutes swinging. It's really the little things in life, isn't it? :)
 
I'd like to add that you won't necessarily be suffering for that long by any stretch of the imagination, plenty of people suffer no PAWS at all. Be prepared for the long haul, but at the same time don't let it daunt you because you might wake up tomorrow and be absolutely fine.

Do you do any exercise? Lots of people find that engaging in a good amount of exercise and eating a healthy diet really pulls them through that last little struggle. I guess it's kind of common sense, try and start giving your body some love if it hasn't been getting it and of course it will thank you!

...and yes, it is about the little things. All that stuff that you don't notice when you're focused on drugs.:) Keep on going, sounds like you're doing awesome to me.
 
I also wouldnt worry for the paws to be that long, just exercise a bit more and eat healthy and youll be back to normal. And I think youre right, keep it to yourself if you can find your way out by yourself. You arent really breaking any trust in the relationship or being unfair, its just not necessary or any upside to telling him. For someone who hasnt been there, its almost impossible to explain this side. With so many stereotypes and cliches his perspective would be affected. You seem to have a handle on it, keep it up, youre doing awesome.
And just want to say this also, you say how you managed to control it and perhaps it even helped you with stuff. I d just like to warn you that this can take years and years. Ive known people who were ok for 10 years. But never met anyone who eventually didnt totally scr*w up their life if they did not quit. Not one. Eventually it takes its toll, depending on ROA, tolerance, lifestyle. And of course the longer you use the more messed up your brain chemistry will be and the more long term consequences, also emotionally unbalanced and unable to keep them in check with depression often alongside, etc..

Be happy you are where you are and appreciate what you have, I wouldnt risk it anymore with opiates. They just scr*w you up too much emotionally, make you forget what life is really about and while give euphoria they bring an exceptionally heavy dark energy .
 
Definitely, opiates are not something I want to get hooked on again. The physical act of withdrawing has been so awful, never mind the mental aspect. I don't want to have to go through this ever again, so that's my #1 motivation right now. I bet as time goes on and I have more distance between my last use and "today", I'll have more altruistic reasons for not starting back.

I do exercise. I always did, even when I was on pills (I actually loved dosing and going for hikes and bike rides... ug). I find that I don't have the same "oomph" as I did before. Is there somethign I can do to naturally give me some get up and go to be motivated for my workouts? I'm just DRAGGING so, and at 6 weeks clean (today!) it shouldn't be paws as much as it's I'm used to artifcial stimulation to get me going. Opiates always gave me TONS of energy. I never could understand how people could take them and barely keep their eyes open (now if I took 40 mg instead of 30 I could get the nods at a movie, maybe, but in general, they amped me. ) Any suggestions for putting some kick in my step? I'm avoiding caffeine except in the morning becuase my nights are so fucked up already.

Thank you for responding. :)
 
when you have no motivation its time to find something that actually motivates you, rather the maintaining addictive behavior by using a substance to get you going.....

Go on the search for new things, find out what works.
Go jogging, swimming, dancing whatever.
Try some instruments, visit a museum or start volunteer for something that is in line with your interests.

Getting sober means not only to quit using, its about changing you enitre lifestyle that was built around your addiction.

Reward yourself from time to time for doing so good, reward yourself by taking controle of your life.

Good luck, youre doing great!
 
Aloha kiitah :) congrats on your recovery and welcome to bluelight. You will find alot of great resources here, i too lurked, for many years actually! But i find it by far to be way more helpful being a member :)
There are a bunch of natural supplements you can take to help your sleep issues and the decreased energy ! I could tell you what has helped me in the past wile coming off the same drug! however we all have a different biochemistry so the best thing you can do is go to a health food store or vitamin shop! the staff there can steer you in the right direction. Also if you can not confide in your husband for whatever reason is not my concern; however it is really good to confide in someone that you know in person maybe a good friend or even a medical doctor. that way you have someone to talk to if you really need them. congrats again your doing really great! Aloha from hawaii
 
oh and according to no telling you husband, i respect that, and the arguments about stereotypes and not understanding are true.

Though i have to tell you, as he is your husband, he plays his part in your addiction even if he doesnt know it, nor do you realise that.
There is a drama-triangle (savior, victim, prosecuter) and he is one of those.
By not involving him he does play an important role in the whole process, the fact alone you have to live a lie and keeping your whitdraw and suffering a secret, this triangle will stand until you both realise what part you have and what needs to be changed.
I hope you tell him at least afterwards, because when this triangle holds, the problems remain, and the addiction can (or will) return.
I think he has the right to know his wife is an addict...
 
Thanks all. I do volunteer- it's my full time, unpaid job. I am heavliy involved in philanthropic issues. I'm fortunate that I was able to quit my paid job and do my passion full time, even though as of now it's unpaid. I've always been very active, all my life (ironically!) I've always taken my health and nutrition seriously, I know, an oxymoron because I enjoyed pills for fun, but it's true. I tried very hard to maintain a healthy body via eating and exercise no matter what. That never changed. How and what I do hasn't changed, I'm always really busy, but the difference is, I'm not taking 4 percoset in the early evening like I was before. As the say, something like idle hands are the devil's playground... or something like that, I'm fortunate to be busy as hell all the time. :) I don't find the psychological issue of staying clean hard, it's the not sleeping well that's getting to me. I will take your advice and go the the holistic store and get some supplements. You can never be in too great of health! I know I'll feel GREAT when I get all this crap out of my system. I did confide in a friend who is 130 days clean from herion (never been a party friend, just a facebook friend) and we're developing a supportive friendship.

Oh, and my husband knows he married an ex addict. My drug use from teenager to college was no secret. That's as far as I'm willing to go with it with him. We've only been married two years. I am sorry, not trying to be argumentative, but I don't see how he is part of a triangle of savior, victim, prosecuter. He has played no part in my taking pills, and our relationship has always been great, before pills, during pills and after. I never used them to flee my life. I started recreationally and it just went on way too long, because physcially it sucked to quit.

Thank you for your advice. :)
 
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